I (26F) and my husband (29M) have been married for ~1.5 years now, together for 7. Some background, we live in a really rural and isolated area for his work, and have for the last 4 years. I absolutely hate it. I feel isolated and depressed here. He loves it, he’s thriving in this environment, and is okay with the isolation.
I recently was accepted in a law program of my DREAMS. However, it’s 3 hours away in a big city. It feels perfect for me, I have always wanted to do something like this, I can’t stand living here anymore, and basically all of my friends live in this big city anyway. My husband is upset, he doesn’t want to leave here and live in a big city, he’s worried what it mean for his career (rightfully).
I feel like I’m at a crossroads here. I feel in my heart this is something I absolutely have to do for myself, and staying would mean resentment and a lot more depression for me. Neither of us want that. However, leaving, means leaving him. Yes, we could do long distance, but I think we both realize that that’s a bandaid for likely a life long issue now. I don’t like this kind of life, he does. He’s my best friend in absolutley everything. He’s the first person I call when anything – good, bad, boring, happens. He is my favorite person. He is the kindest, sweetest, funniest man. But I don’t know that any of that is enough to live a life I don’t want to live for forever. Maybe it could be? Maybe the meaning of life is finding your person and all the extra bullshit is meaningless? I don’t know.
I asked my therapist for the first time yesterday, “Will I be okay if I leave?”. I can’t believe I’m even here, thinking about this. I have no idea what to do. You strangers probably won’t either, but i just feel lost.
Why is being an adult so fucking hard?
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You don’t have the maturity to talk about long term goals before marriage, this was likely meant to be a long term relationship that you confused for marriage
His career and happiness is not more important than yours. You have already lived like this for 4 years now so I don’t think it’s too much to ask for his support in return. Three hours is not impossible and you can still (I assume) spend time together in the weekends.
Do not give up on your dream, as you will always resent him for it.
Sounds like ya’ll want/need vastly different things. He is thriving in a rural area in his chosen business and you sound as if you would thrive in the city. Follow your dream job. People change so much between 18-25. If your marriage is meant to be, you’ll work it out even if separated. Tbh, it just sounds like ya’ll grew in different directions. No harm ,no foul.
what did your husband say when you talked to him about it? I mean, given yall are married, you did talk about what would happen if a big career change/opportunity happened to either of you, right? or did you both assume a magical solution would appear? it seems extremely crucial to talk to your husband/wife about this. because now you’re in this situation. I’m not saying you should have asked for permission, but you see how discussing this beforehand would have made coming up with a solution easier right? I dont think yall are compatible lifestyle wise. he likes the quiet living atmosphere, you like city life atmosphere
You’ll resent him and your life if you don’t achieve your goals. I had to make a similar choice and I chose the man. Eventually we both realized it was the wrong choice but now we have a family and grandchildren. Leaving him now would destroy my children and grandchildren. Daily I hope there is another life after this.
I think you both have to negotiate some kind of compromise. Breakup is out of the question, it will be unhealthy for both of you if anything. But sacrificing your carrer opportunity will also hurt both of you and your relationship. Because you will always regret this in the future. And he will always feel guilty about it.
First of all, a 3-hour drive is not such a long distance. In a worst case scenario you can do it on a daily basis. Second of all, how much time does this program take? Is it like a 5-day study or you can somehow configure the schedule? Can some of the courses be taken remotely? Consider renting an appartment in the city where you’re gonna stay in those days when your presence is required in the univercity or whatever. And those days when your presence is not required you can spend with him in his house. e.g. you stay in the city during weekdays and go back to him in the weekends. You can also consider moving to someplace in between so that the ride to the city takes 1.5 hours instead of 3.
There are definitely some options here that can be taken so that you retain your relationship AND do not waste your career opportunity at the same time. Work them through together. This is not gonna be an easy lifestyle but the situation is completely managable without any extreme actions.
I’m curious, how did the two of you end up in that area to begin with?
Dang this is hard, and I feel like there isnt a perfect solution or the “correct” answer. Either way you are losing something important to you, and that’s not a good feeling. My only suggestion is to do some serious introspection and decide which of the two important things is worth losing in the long run. Is this love of a lifetime? Can you see yourself with anyone else? Is your career going to give you enough fulfillment when you look back on the lost relationship? Vice versa.
Im not advocating for staying in a marriage at all costs, but you two did take vows on your wedding day. Through thick and thin, you two are meant to work things out together. Something like a career change or opportunities happen all of the time in marriages, and it’s something most couples overcome. Why not do long distance for a little while? See how it goes? It may end up being doable. Why not discuss moving a bit closer to a city? Doesn’t have to be deep in the rural area, but a good countryside where you are 15 minutes away from the city area? I feel like there are a lot more options that can be discussed than just ending a marriage over a job opportunity.
So you’ve given him and his career 4 years of your life, in an isolated place, while unhappy. He doesn’t seem to care that you hate it there. Now you have a great opportunity and he can’t do the same sacrifice for you? Then I guess you deserve to be with someone who considers your happiness and your career as important as theirs. It’s not him.