I (26 F) have been with my partner (26 M) for 6 years since we were both 19 years old. Many things about our relationship are so positive and solid. He is generally kind, attentive and caring. We have been seriously talking about getting engaged and getting married in the next 1-2 years.
Over the years, I have been more confused and disappointed by how he approaches my birthday. For context, I have seen him throw literally dozens of simple birthday parties for our friends- many of them surprise parties! He loves to host and to cook for our friends and families. Multiple times a year he plans in advance for birthdays. He creates group chats and takes initiative to cook, get decorations, and bring people together. It’s nothing super over the top (dollar store decorations etc) but he puts thought and effort in.
The only problem is this hasn’t really ever applied to me. Our birthdays are pretty close together. Usually myself and our friends go all out for him- I have planned surprise trips and adventures that he would enjoy and all of our friends have enthusiastically celebrated him to reciprocate the care he shows for everyone! Sometimes I have gotten the feeling that he is somehow upset by me going all out for him? He complains about how tiring my plans have been (a surprise day trip to a spa with all of our friends.. but we did get home late…). And then a few days later when my birthday rolls around, it’s like he is sick and tired of birthdays and can’t really be bothered to celebrate mine.
The very first year we were together he took me to the local botanical gardens and then out to dinner which was very sweet. But since then I haven’t felt very prioritized. A big part of me feels like being disappointed is silly, childish and selfish. But it’s not like he isn’t a birthday person and doesn’t celebrate anyone’s birthday; I’m the exception to the rule!
I have discussed feeling disappointed with him multiple times over the years. The final straw for me becoming really upset was when he threw an elaborate surprise party for his buddy’s GIRLFRIEND but didn’t plan anything for mine. He said he wanted me to get to do what I want to do on my birthday and that he’s up for whatever I want.. but puts no effort in. The next year he threw me a “surprise” party during which he mostly ignored me.
This year for months leading up to our birthdays he that he didn’t want to anything crazy for his but we should go “all out” for mine. For the first time I didn’t plan anything for his but helped his buddy plan a very laid back (weekday) kickback with wings and friends. He seemed content and thanked me for not doing too much..
Since he had said multiple times he didn’t want much but we should focus on my birthday this year, I was hoping things would be different. However, I still was partially braced for disappointment.
I spent all afternoon with three of my closest girlfriends and was planning to spend the evening with him. He did take me out for dinner.. but was pretty quiet, ate quickly, and then got a stomach ache. It was a slightly more expensive dinner- which of course he paid for- but honestly he always picks up the tab so it wasn’t anything unusual. When we got home he said he was tired and didn’t feel great so we cuddled and he fell asleep quickly.
In the weeks leading up to our birthdays, he asked me what present I wanted (I would have been thrilled with a simple surprise bouquet of flowers) but I guess him asking was better than nothing at all? Unfortunately he didn’t actually follow through. After dinner, he told me a card and present were “coming” but who knows. He had weeks to prepare.
I’m bummed but not really surprised. I used to really enjoy my birthday. It felt light hearted and a way to celebrate with the people that matter most in my life. I am starting to get really tired of feeling like it’s the worst day of the year for how he treats me.
At this point I’m not sure how much expressing disappointment will do. He said he would do more but didn’t. He is truly super attentive and goes out of his way for me for the rest of the year. It’s so confusing. I don’t think it’s as simple as him secretly not liking me- I feel like there’s something else under the surface. I know he loves me. But it is one of the only things making me feel uncertain about the future and I’m not really sure how to ask what the heck this is about and tell him I’m disappointed yet again. How can I tell him that this actually is a big deal and that it’s making me question the future?
** Edit: what do you do to make your partners birthday special? Would love to hear from both men and women
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It sounds like you’ve both been disappointed in your birthdays. Maybe he doesn’t want to go all out for his birthday either? Maybe it’s time to sit down together a few months before both of your birthdays and ASK how he wants to spend his birthday and then you can say how you would like to spend yours.
You are entirely capable of having your own birthday that you plan and do. You know, without him. Skip his birthday the next year and plan your own activity without him bringing invited.
Then when he asks what’s up, just be honest. “The past few years you’ve been told how important this was to me and you failed, we’ve talked about it and you’ve made no real effort to make me feel important on my birthday. So I’ve decided that I’m responsible for my own happiness here and you can enjoy the day to yourself.”
If this is the only thing he’s got as a strike against him in your relationship; he’s worth keeping.
If this is a pattern of neglect outside of your birthday, then just move on.
Could it be that he has issues in the relationship that he isn’t voicing?
I’m in a somewhat similar situation in that my partner will continuously ruin Christmas every year for one reason or another (but always make it my fault), and I think that it might be a projection of other issues onto the one day they feel that they SHOULD be putting effort into, but their unvoiced issues make them literally just not want to do that.
It’s a sort of “I feel forced to make you happy and care about your needs foremost on this occasoon, and I will reject this because I don’t feel heard” type of thing, I think. At least that’s how it feels to me, though I need to talk to my partner about this too lol.
It feels like your boyfriend or my partner are trying to even a score somehow, by ruining days that should give us happiness and that have certain expectations for them and their efforts.
I think you should definitely either show your boyfriend this text or talk to him directly about it and get straight to the point that this is actually a pretty big deal and that it ruins your perception of him for the rest of each year because you feel unloved on the day when he should show you how loved and appreciated you are. His behavior literally translates to “I don’t love you”, and he should have a good old fashioned think about this. Good luck (to us both lol)!