Starting off, my wife is the love of my life but when she drinks, she can’t stop. I know this is not new or uncommon, but I can’t but be shocked at how quickly she consumes wine. She stops drinking at some point, but when she drinks I already know it’s gonna be at least 2 weeks of non-stop drinking every single day. And by drinking every day I mean she drinks 2 bottles of white wine on her own every single day.
I work from home, she doesn’t work at all and I’m 100% okay with that; I hold a traditional belief that I should be taking care of her in all aspects so if she doesn’t want to work, no problem. The only reason I bring this up is that my work week looks like this: work 10-12 hours every day, finish work and go buy groceries (and wine if she’s on a drinking cycle), come back home and cook our meals every day because she doesn’t like (and to be honest she can’t) cook. I’m not playing the victim or want to come across as chauvinist but I work, I cook, I buy the groceries, take out the garbage and vaccuum on the weekends. If we buy something online, I’ll put it in my name so she doesn’t have to leave home and I can pick it up from the post office if it’s not delivered. I’ve told her that I don’t think way we each get to enjoy free time is at all balanced since she handles the laundry and the dishwasher during the week, takes care of our pets and does the dusting for 30min on a Sunday. Rough math, as an average, I end up having 1h (if I’m lucky) of free time so the last thing I want to do is spend it arguing or hearing how much of an uncaring person I am. I already told her I feel embarassed for being the one who buys wine, that I’m pretty sure the people at the wine store think I’m the alcoholic since I go there every day to buy at least 2, if not 3, bottles of wine which I’m not even drinking. Sometimes I think “screw it” and I buy a bottle for myself but it’s embarassing to a) being perceived as an alcoholic and b) be the one buying the alcohol that I know will just turn her into a different person from the person I fell in love with and married.
She definitely doesn’t see herself as an alcoholic, drinking 2 bottles (sometimes more) every single day is just being “undisciplined” in her eye, but not an alcoholic because (quote) “I do stop from one day to the next and I don’t drink for a while”. Which is true and when she stops, she will stop for months but I know someone can still be an alcoholic even with the occasional break from their binge behaviour. So for her it’s okay, she’s “in control”. The problem is how she behaves: the more she drinks, the less she eats; the less she eats the drunker she gets. To the point that I can tell from the way she slurs, how much of a hellish evening I’m gonna have. Lately she’s been saying she doesn’t know why we’re still together, that we should just go our separate ways. That I don’t understand her ever, that she can’t have conversations with me and that always act like I know better and am judgemental. It is true we don’t have conversations, but to be fair all she wants to talk about are how animals are suffering (she’s a vegan) and how hypocritical people are. I don’t mean she brings it up, I mean she talks about it from Morning to Evening, every single day, so at some point I don’t want to engage anymore, I even told her it’s not good for her mental health considered how altered she becomes with instagram stories about animal suffering.
The mornings after (plural since she goes on a binge for 2 weeks minimum) she can’t remember her evenings after a certain point, she apologizes and says she doesn’t mean it and says she really needs to stop. But the hangover is so strong that she ends up asking me to go buy some wine or beer and the cycle starts again. I’m getting to a point that I don’t know what I can do: asking her to stop doesn’t work, being quiet and “suck it up” just isn’t an option anymore (I tried) and talking with her about it doesn’t really seem to do anything.I’m getting tired, I’m getting old and quite frankly when I imagine us going our separate ways sounds like I’d just I need to start doing the dishes and laundry. We haven’t made love in years, we don’t have any intimacy so thinking about it as I write (and not to sound like a douche) what is the point? I seem to have very little to gain and a whole lot to lose, what’s in it for me? Today she drank 2.5 bottles of wine in about 4 hours.
With all the hoopla around gender wars nowadays, I don’t want to sound like a chauvinist but really… I work, I cook, I clean, I buy the groceries, I take out the trash and still end up feeling like I’m the bad guy. But at the end of the day, I love my wife; but at the end of the day, she is telling be (in between bottles) she is not happy and she’d rather be alone. She doesn’t believe in therapy so that’s not an option. We’re just drifting along in life together but there seems to be no destination or direction. I just feel that if she wants to leave (and I’ve told her multiple times), then leave but don’t wait for me to leave her. I’m not sure anymore if I should fight for it nor not.
Do I just leave?
Comments
I would…
Professional here. Your wife has a substance use/abuse issue. To be equal in matters, your behavioral patterns enable her as I’m sure you’ve recognized by now as your text indicates you’re no fool. If anyone here says to go or not go, I’d take that with a grain of salt. You must decide what you want, bearing in mind that may not be the result. Should you choose to stay, a long and hard path awaits you, which is also dependent on her desire to stay or go, which is also muddled by current substance use. It’s a complicated and layered situation here with no easy answers. I’ve worked with folks, not too dissimilar from yourselves, ranging from cocaine, to crack, to heroine, to alcohol, one sided to dual sided use. It’s one hell of a trip, on this side of the veil and for the couples themselves. Talk with her, in a window of sobriety, use your knowledge of her from your history to feel her answers about recovery, not intellectualize them, and should they align with yours, if yours be healing as well, then seek a skilled professional. I’ve harrowed this hell my friend, in your position and on the other side, and all I can say from here is Godspeed.
She’s absolutely an alcoholic. And it won’t get better until she recognizes this. But it seems she doesn’t think it’s an issue, and doesn’t think she needs help with it. Blacking out and not remembering things you said/did the night before, needing more booze to ease the next day hangover, 2 week benders where she consumes multiple bottles of wine in one day isn’t normal behavior. This won’t get any better. She doesn’t even think she has a problem. I’d say she’s doomed, let her have her wine and lose you. The talk of “going your separate ways” on her behalf over and over again should be enough. And lack of sex. This marriage is done. And she needs to see a substance abuse counselor this lady is a full blown alcoholic. She can’t stop once she’s had that first sip, she goes on benders. That’s not “I can stop”. Binge drinking is still alcoholism.