My husband 40M makes close to $400k a year. My earning potential is roughly $130 but I spent a decade miserable in my career path. During IVF my department was let go and then fell pregnant. My husband has been guilt tripping me to go back to work whilst pregnant because all of his friends’ wives work. I tried to explain that in the cities he wants to live in (SF for example), after childcare my take home pay will be less than $50k. I don’t want to take time away from my baby for a job I hate for no financial gain. Further, I’ll start a new job pregnant and have to leave within 6 months where I won’t qualify for federal mat leave. I see no benefit in that. Plus, he contributes nothing domestically and never has. So I already know I would have to fill the gap. I find it painful that he doesn’t want to provide for his family and would prefer a lifestyle (per his example of mutual friends) where we both work 80+ hour weeks. Curious other POV on this?
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How did you two get married AND have a kid? There is no mutual respect, let alone love.
Please. Leave him and raise the baby alone. You will be so much happier and free of a stupid man telling you what to do.
It is ridiculous to go back to work while pregnant. This is a DISCUSSION, and it should be a discussion, for something years down the road if he’s not contributing to the domestic space.
It is worth bringing that up now as a buffer I would think.
I do not think that childcare + less than 50k is “nothing” but ultimately there needs to be a focus on family and children raising is hard. My son’s mom just went back to work and he’s 5.5, she’s only doing online work because she doesn’t want to miss anything.
There’s no need for her to work but she wants to stay connected to the adult world and have some independence which I can respect. We’re in a lucky enough position to have a lot of family to help with childcare and obviously the remote work lets mama be as present as she wants
There was a lot of deliberation to get to that point and not every mom wants to get back to work. There are no wrong paths as long as everybody is healthy and happy.
How long have you been married? Did you ever discuss kids? What did that look like to both of you? What does he envision for a division of parenting labour? Is there a compromise here where you find part time work?
Have you laid out the estimated costs of getting domestic help and daycare in comparison to your (potential) salary?
But real talk, gently, why are you having a child with a man who doesn’t seem interested in being a husband or father?
I would try a compromise simply because I think it’s likely you will be a single parent one day and will need a decent income.
I’d try and get a contract job or series of jobs that last the length of your pregnancy. But I’d also insist that he steps up at home. He can’t have it both ways. If he expects you to be in paid work he also needs to contribute to the unpaid work
He makes 400k? I wouldnt be doing shit if my husband made half that besides passion projects. Stabd your ground hell be fine.
Why is childcare coming out of only your pay? He will have the exact same need for childcare as you.
If he doesn’t do any domestic chores, he should be paying for his portion in the form of hired help.
omg why did you marry this jerk and even decided to have a kid with him. you settled for less
Lol, you went out of the way to artificially have a baby with a man like that. How do you guys go out of your way to appease villains like this? Wad a baby THAT important?
Jesus why didn’t you talk abt this before doing IVF?! Do not go back. If he wants a divorce and won’t provide file for child support and alimony. I hate men with passion these days. I don’t give a shit abt anyone besides me and my kids. I love my bf, but he better know who has balls in this relationship, cuz if it’ll be me I will not date anyone.
What do you meAn your husband doesn’t contribute “domestically”? He doesn’t put in money for the mortgage and other bills or he doesn’t do any chores?
He contributes nothing domestically??? He makes insane money and forces you to go back to work during a geriatric pregnancy when you’re miserable? Do you hear yourself? This is nuts
He should realise after having IVF this child is doubly precious and be supportive and give you a break whilst you’re pregnant!
He sounds a total ass, you might be better off divorcing him and claiming alimony and child support! 😏
Did your husband actually want a kid? What were the conversations you had on this topic before you got married? Did you plan for kids and talk about what kind of upbringing you’d want kids to have (for you to stay at home, for how long, feelings about daycare/nannies etc?)
To me it sounds like there are some deeper issues here. If he was picturing a DINK lifestyle and it felt to him that both of you agreed to that, it’s a big shift to go from DINK to “single income and supporting a child”, especially if none of his friends are in that situation. In a HCOL city, making just under 400K doesn’t actually go that far.
I wouldn’t marry a man with this mindset but I also know of couples where the man made it clear it was important for him that his wife continue working after kids, and they decided on that before engagement. In some cases it’s not purely financial; sometimes men have seen their moms lose their sense of self as stay-at-home-moms, or experience difficulties getting back into the workforce etc.
Interesting, why not parent from home and do a bit of remote work? When your child is in school, go back to work…
Are the working wives also pregnant after IVF in their 40s while working? I’m betting no. I’m betting their kids are older, or they don’t have kids, and he’s comparing apples to wrenches.
He makes $400K and still wants you back at work? Never mind all the mental strain and physical pain you went through in the IVF process, and you still have the pregnancy itself to go through. May be try explaining to him and that if he really wants this baby it’s best you take care of your health for the next few years during pregnancy, child birth and nursing a newborn? Work will always be there for you, but the time to bond with a new born happens just once in your lifetime.
Why would you be the only one financially supporting childcare?
I mean I do think both parents should work, but I especially think you should work so you can be prepared when you realize you need to divorce him.
You should go back to work because this man doesn’t like you that much. And you can’t afford to lose your career when he leaves you
As I woman I feel the need to day for actual fuck sake, go back OP and read your post and grow a spine and realise you deserve better than this.
That’s wild. I mean no offense but being a 42 year old mom is HARD not that any mommin isn’t hard but. Wild.
There’s nothing wrong with raising another human being and it’s honorable work. He makes a more than decent living and trying to force you to work is saying something big and you should pay attention to what it is. First off, he doesn’t value you. Why did he agree to ivf if having and raising the child isn’t a priority for him? The time for the discussion on whether you return to work isn’t while you are pregnant. It just isn’t.
Also – very few, and I mean VERY FEW – moms have a village. No one in my family EVER offers help. Plenty of Criticism but a helping hand? None. So make sure you can take care of one child on your on before thinking abt a second one. My cousin spent all her 401K and her mom’s pension and had to go through 3 IVF’s, she finally got pregnant. Last time I saw her she was throwing the toddler on her husband and her mom’s arms all the time and looks like she was fed up. Motherhood should be tested before people were allowed to conceive. Not saying you’ll be fed up – but I’m 90% sure you’ll never sleep a whole night again. I haven’t and it’s been 14 years lol
He doesn’t sound like he cares. After age 36 every woman is considered high risk pregnancy.
He needs to step up and let you take this time. BTW no one hires a pregnant 42 yr old female because most women take 8 weeks min maternity leave. Discuss with your doctor.
My friend had a high earning husband who pressured her to return to work, claiming some BS financial struggle. It was a set up. He was having an affair and wanted her employed before he filed for divorce, so he’d get easier terms for alimony. My friend only got it for 5 years.
Sorry to add something so negative to this conversation. I just don’t trust the OP’s husband, because their kid will get shortchanged on time with the parents, and OP will struggle with responsibilities and stress. He’s not being kind to either of them.
Divorce him, get alimony and stay home and raise your kid. That will force him to contribute.
This is just…. so unsexy. I’m getting the ick just from this post alone.
My husband supported his family when he made $50K a year (granted, that was in 2010, but still) and he worked to the bone doing construction and side jobs. WTF is Mr. $400K’s deal….???
How was this not discussed prior to marriage
He would be paying for a Housekeeper and a nanny… if you have to go back to work.
Why is it that only your income will go towards daycare? It’s his child as well.