My (35F) husband (38M) just had a really uncomfortable disagreement. I told him I was tired and heading to bed, I went upstairs and took care of myself. But shortly after, he realized wanted to go to bed too, and ended up walking in on me, in the bathroom cleaning off a toy.
He immediately looked upset and asked me if I had just used it. I said yes, and based on his resction, asked if that was a problem.
His response was that if I had told him I was horny he would have immediately come upstairs so we could have had some fun together, he wanted to know why I hadn’t tried to initiate with him first before taking care of myself? And wouldn’t I rather fuck my husband than use a toy all by myself?
I told him I wasn’t in the mood for sex, that I just wanted to take care of myself and go to bed, but he pressed on, that he just couldn’t understand how a toy is better than him.
I tried to explain its not a matter of “better”, but sometimes I just want to be responsible for my own orgasm. I didn’t want a long, drawn out sexual event. Didn’t want to have to worry about pleasing someone else, or foreplay, or having to “perform”. I just wanted to get off and and go to sleep.
He told me that was a pretty selfish of me, that he didn’t realize that sex felt like a chore at times. Then he compared it to him choosing to get fast food over eating what I cooked for dinner, and wouldn’t that be insulting? I told him, no, I wouldn’t be insulting. If he’s not in the mood for what I cooked, that’s valid, it’s not a huge deal to get something else.
He still seemed so offended, said he’d never choose his hand over his wife. I told him that I was sorry for hurting his feelings, that I wasn’t choosing a toy over him, and that I think this is just an “agree to disagree” situation and there’s no use arguing about it and that I just wanted to go to bed.
Now we’re in this awkward silence. He’s still upset but Idk what to do or say. I made it clear to him that I just don’t think I need to run it by him before I give myself an orgasm, and while I understand why he might feel a bit disappointed, but it’s not indicative of my desire/attraction towards him, so its nothing to take personally.
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I understand both sides. I dont have good advice cause this is tricky. But yes as a woman i agree sometimes I prefer to cum by myself quickly like in 5 minutes especially if we are fighting . My partner gets upset if I try to initiate sex if we haven’t cooled down from a fight
as they say – “sex is alright, but you can’t beat the real thing …”
Tbhhhh Im entirely on his side😭, you could’ve communicated that you were horny but not wanting to do any work. If he said no, and you used your toy and he got mad then yea thsts all his problem. But like girl. You chose a peice of plastic over your husband😭
I mean, surely there have been times when he’s just quickly taken care of things himself rather than gotten into a whole sexual thing with you, right? He must understand the quick release, even if his feelings are a bit hurt.
HIs quick release isn’t better than a whole sexual thing with you, but sometimes, it’s just a stress reliever or something so you can sleep at night or whatever.
His feelings are just hurt, but this whole acting like he doesn’t understand seems disingenuous to me, unless he doesn’t understand that women need that sometimes, too.
Give him some morning head. Problem solved.
These are two completely different things and he shouldn’t feel threatened but a toy. As a female, sex can be “too much” at times when you just want to finish and go to sleep. He needs to get over it.
Lol the last part tells me all I need to know lady, you’re losing it. You just gotta accept it
Instead of seeking validation, insight and/or feedback from reddit strangers, consider couples counseling. Been together 11 years, but there are some obvious communication challenges and likely other issues that impact your relationship. Seek professional help. If you already have help, then refine treatment.
Lady ask yourself this, what if he just went out to go fuck some one else cause you’re too busy fucking your self?
I mean…That’s kinda wild.
So yea guy’s into an argument… yea bounce…to go to sleep. Sleep in a different room
Then all of a sudden…you’re horny and masterbate? He finds yea masterbateing after an argument?…
Fucking Reddit brings the most wild stories together…
100 💯💯💯💯 percent trippin. I was with my girl 15 years, just recently shit hit the fan. Before that, sex 2-3 times a week with maybe a dry week in between and id always hit her up or feel the mood out before I took care of “myself”. She would get so pissed if I jacked off and did not take her into consideration.
He has every right to feel annoyed, you should have hit him up first imo. Especially because maybe he was really into you tonight and you go off without him haha.
I totally get it, sex is a shared social activity and requires at minimum consideration of the other person’s needs, and usually takes a loooot longer for the woman to get off. Sex for anywhere from 10-30 minutes or whatever it is in your case is a lot more mental and physical energy than just using a toy and being ready to sleep in 5 minutes.
Masturbation and sex serve similar but different purposes, and what might for some people be a “2nd best” option is for others an equally good or even better option depending on the circumstances. I can see why your husband might be hurt but for me the two acts are very different, sometimes you’re just too tired for the full thing.
Sex sometimes less than once a week, you tell him you’re tired and then go please yourself. That’s a dead bedroom and you’re confused why he is upset. I totally understand sex can be work and sometimes you just want to get one off, but your communication was awful.
Just my opinion, hope all goes well.
To be honest his feelings aren’t hurt because you took care of yourself more then likely. It’s a lack of feeling close. This is what most women don’t understand sex for men is more about connection to the partner especially in a committed relationship. The truth is he probably see it more as a rejection of his love then simply the act of getting off.
Does my partner take care of her self alor yep do I get upset no. My drive is lower then hers. There has been times where we have had sex and she has said she had a great time and still got the toy after. No issue. She just wanted more.
Bruh these comments are wildly different from another post of a man using a flesh toy to get off because his wife is busy taking care of everything else…. Everyone was on his side and yet here people are bashing you for the same reason. 💀
Is your husband satisfied with the amount of sex you guys have? Are you satisfied with the amount of sex you have? Because if you’re fine with the amount and he isn’t, then he finds you masturbating, I can see why he’s upset. I would never choose to jerk off if my wife was willing when I was in the mood.
i completely get what you mean, but i’m also not surprised there are men in their fee-fees sounding off in the replies here. you just wanting to get off real quick before bed without worrying about someone else’s pleasure is not a big deal.
it’s not equivalent to him going off and fucking some other woman, as some comments are trying to imply, it’s the same as him giving himself a handy in the morning or smth.
even if you love someone and are sexually attracted to someone sex can be a whole thing and sometimes you don’t wanna deal with the whole thing just to get the orgasm. however some people take that super personally, as your husband has. he has different thoughts on it than you do, and his feelings aren’t invalid, they just clash with yours. if you don’t think having a conversation w clearer and rested heads will help him understand your side and that it doesn’t affect your attraction or desire or intimate feelings toward him, i might recommend some kind of couples/sex therapist
There are lots of things wrong here LOTS! He might be wondering “Who was she thinking of?” Did that cross anyone’s mind? I bet it sure did his!
Damn, tough situation here. I’m not sure if what I say here counts as ‘good’ advice. Making a clear note here that I’m neither married and nor have I ever been in such a situation to begin with. So whatever I say, add 2 pinches of salt (bae) or go for the whole 32 oz if necessary.
As a complete outsider, the few suggestions I contemplated were:
It sounds more like a miscommunication error that can evolve into a serious misunderstanding. Given the note OP provided at the end, I can only surmise that her and her partner should have a fairly solid foundation regarding mutual sexual intimacy. From OP’s perspective and her description regarding why she flew solo, her choice seems quite reasonable! Sex is after all meant to be a mutual interaction and not two f**k toys using each other to relieve primal urges (maybe a tiny tiny fraction of the whole but never more if done right). Additionally one knows oneself best so if OP wants a simple quickie to relax before bed, then she’s damn well justified in choosing so.
In light of point 1, from the perspective of OP’s partner and as a male, I can kind of see why it struck a nerve. I can only guess here (biased by my own limited experience) that he feels he got left out of what could have been a mutually pleasant experience without realizing that he was being left out to begin with. This might be a stretch here on my part but I would again guess that this particular feeling of being left out might be the deeper emotional wound, which was further compounded by some deeper insecurity which got triggered like a chain reaction (I don’t know OP’s partner naturally so I get that there are quite a few assumptions on my part) resulting in the outburst that you perceived. The deeper triggers (which OP’s partner may or may not have recognized for themselves) could have been masked under the guise of OP choosing a toy over him.
Having laid out the general picture here (supported by rickety and possibly ill-placed assumptions), moving forward, it would be best to give each other some space at the moment (exhausted minds should avoid sensitive conversations which require focus and empathy in order to be properly handled), and choose a time the following day whenever both of you are relaxed and not pre-occupied by other matters and have a follow up on this initial conversation. To OP directly, you might want to inquire from your partner why his perspective is constrained to a binary outlook where you either choose the toy or him and see if there’s some deeper emotion masquerading under this disguise. Additionally, I would suggest that you should try and communicate (hopefully helping him step outside this limited perspective) why it’s not so simple as choosing a toy or choosing the husband. From what OP wrote, it sounds like she treasures and respects the sexual sanctity of her relationship and should try to get that across to her partner.
As I read what I wrote, I realize that OP will have to take up a larger share of the mental burden of working through this and I apologize for that. I will be rooting for the both of you and hopefully, as you have a more settled conversation with your partner, he will help you share this mental burden until it’s no longer a burden. If handled well, this can be an opportunity for the both of you to form an even stronger and far more intimate of a bond with each other.
Wishing you guys the best of luck 🤞🏽, I apologize for any inaccuracies in my advice and assumptions.
Lol, I’m totally on a OP’s side. I’ve noticed men sometimes treat sex as their confidence boost and feel threatened when women need easy to achieve pleasure from time to time. It’s much harder for girls to reach climax, it takes a lot of time. Unless it doesn’t substitute for every sexual activity, I feel everyone should have a right to masturbate once in a while, like – does being in a relationship suddenly become an instant ban for touching yourself on your own? Daaaaamn
If I were in this situation I would simply tell him it’s kind of like the other way around – sex with him is the fun, exciting and special activity. Masturbation is more similar to a chore (or maintenance).
To expand on this I’d explain along the lines of my body physically being horny, but not being emotionally and mentally horny. I’d rather take care of the physical component myself quickly and not have to try to get myself emotionally and mentally horny so that we can have satisfying sex as a couple.
Good luck OP, I hope it turns out alright
Are we missing the fact that they just had a fight? Why would she all of a sudden switch to “I’m horny”?…
Have you asked him? Sex sometimes less then once a week might not feel like a dead bedroom to you but it might to him. Sex is for many men not just orgasm, its connection. Actions speak louder then words.
Maybe try some therapy so you both can practize more empathy?
I could understand that. With masturbation, there’s some things you could do alone that you can’t do at sex.
And with having sex, you have to get the other person’s in the mood, think about what turns them on, focuses on their pleasure, etc. There’s more pressure on it.
I’d say he just have to get over it, it’s not like you were doing this to the point of costing your bedroom activities or anything
Updateme!
I’ll never understand how people can get upset at each other for masturbation when they still have a healthy sex life going.
Edit; Jesus CHRIST, this thread is full of immaturity.
Imagine finding him with a sextoy after declining sex with you lol
Here’s the thing. If I were having sex once a day and then my wife was also pleasing herself at some other time during the day, then I would certainly have no issue with that and I would shut the F up about it.
Sort of a “we had dinner, but now she wants ice cream” situation. No harm no foul. I would feel free to do the same in whatever manner I chose as well, if I wanted to. I probably wouldn’t, but I could.
Once a week is not enough for most men’s libidos to be doing it however, in my opinion.
I would’ve been feeling the exact same way as your husband.
I’m wouldn’t expect you to throw yourself at him after a fight/disagreement. But by the tone of your post, you suck. The fact you felt the need to annotate your post to mention 11 years of marriage and a cadence of 1x per week, makes me feel like you think that should be sufficient and your husband shouldn’t have expectations beyond that. Almost a transactional kind of vibe from your post. I hope I am wrong, but it feels like the issue is deeper than this scenario.
I would also be upset but it is not for the same reason.
You are part of the problem, your communication is extremely poor.
Clearly you have not told your husband that you wanted a quick orgasm and not a long session, maybe he can help you orgasm quickly.
Imagine you were having sex once a week, you are horny on the day but your husband would rather masturbate than have sex with you and your husband thinks that having sex once a week is not a dead bedroom.
I bet you, if I can talk to your husband, he will not agree with your statement about your bedroom.
I bought toys for my fiance because sometimes I cannot keep up with her sex drive but she has never used her toys before asking me to help her out.
We have sex twice a day, sometimes just once and some days, I just help her for a quick orgasm.
An important part of our awesome relationship, WE TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT OUR NEEDS.
For being creatures who are supposed to be tough, men sure do have fragile egos when it comes to sex…g
You didn’t had the mental energy to provide for Someone else. Also sex can be long and Messy, Not ideal when you just want to orgasm and sleep.
He take it personally, but does Not understand your point of view. He’s Not jealous of the vaccum because it’s quicker to clean than him using a broom?!
Hopefully he will buy a flesh light soon