Hi everyone,
I (28M) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (28F) for about 10 months. Things are generally very good, but there has been a major issue since the very beginning that we can’t seem to resolve, and I need some outside perspective.
Early on, I learned that a guy in her friend group (let’s call him Leni) had feelings for her. We found this out through my girlfriend’s best friend, Lisa, who has been her closest friend for about 7 years. I didn’t mind at first, as long as boundaries were respected. But at a New Year’s Eve party at Lenis house, something happened that really shook my trust.
At the end of the night, my girlfriend suddenly disappeared. I eventually found her behind a closed kitchen door with Leni. They weren’t kissing or anything, just standing there quietly. But when I walked in, it felt incredibly uncomfortable and disrespectful. Later, she told me that Leni was upset because she might not have as much time for him now that she’s in a relationship.
For me, this crossed a huge boundary. I felt it was wrong of him to isolate her like that, and I was hurt that she didn’t shut it down immediately. I told her I wasn’t comfortable with her meeting him privately anymore, and she agreed – but only after a huge fight and a near-breakup. Because of the exhausting fight for loyalty and since then, my trust hasn’t really recovered.
The problem is: Leni is the main “organizer” of their friend group, and most gatherings happen at his house. My girlfriend insists that if she avoids those events, she’ll lose connection to her best friend Lisa and the group in general. But for me, it feels painful that she still goes to his house as if nothing happened, especially for things like his birthday, where everyone is literally celebrating him.
We’ve had countless arguments about this. We’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times because of it. I love her, and she loves me, but I feel like my need for loyalty and safety in this situation clashes with her need to maintain her friend group.
I want to be clear: this is not about jealousy in the sense of being afraid she’ll cheat. It’s about my need for exclusivity, clarity, and loyalty in a relationship. When a boundary like this is crossed, I need my partner to take a clear stance and show me that I come first. When that doesn’t happen, I feel unsafe and the trust between us erodes.
So here I am, stuck in this loop:
• Am I being unreasonable for not wanting her to attend parties at his house?
• Is it fair to expect her to distance herself more strongly from him, given what happened?
• Or do I need to accept that this is part of her life, and if I can’t, maybe we’re just incompatible?
I would really appreciate outside perspectives, because at this point I feel trapped between wanting this relationship to work and constantly feeling hurt.
Thanks for reading.
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No woman is worth this much drama
Just end it and move on. Too hard
> We’ve had countless arguments about this. We’ve broken up and gotten back together multiple times because of it.
She is fighting for that man more than she wants to be with you. She’s never gonna choose you over her friends. Once you accept that, the choice is easy. There are other women out there who will choose you first. She’s not the one.
This is self inflected OP
You know the answer that she is not the one
At 28 years old ,our understanding of boundaries, relationships is set. You are doing the pick me dance for someone that doesn’t love you nor respect you
Hmmm u walked upon them both behind a locked door for god knows how long? And the vibe was awkward and uncomfortable when you caught them out. Bro does that not paint a picture. It’s obviously clear as day that something happened behind those doors. You guys nearly broke up over the fact she was with another man behind a locked door. She has no leg to stand on. I would be more concerned about what happened behind closed doors
The way this reads, Leni is her boyfriend and you are her side piece. If you are OK with sharing continue on with her. If you want a monogamous relationship you won’t find it here.
You are a fool..All it was, was a private conversation which, believe it or not everyone is allowed to have.
See a therapist about your insecurities and control issues.
When you say locked, do you mean locked or closed? If it was locked, then how did you walk in? I am a bit confused by that part…
Your relationship was doomed when you and your gf found out that this guy had feelings for her and she then decided to be alone with him to hear about his complaints of them no longer spending as much time together.
That guy and herself put her into a position where it’s just no longer possible for her to spend as much time with him. Turn the situation around, how would she feel if you isolate yourself into a room with a girl that has feelings for you and complains to you that you both can no longer spend as much time together because of your girlfriend? And what expectations would she have towards you afterwards if she would remain with you?
You need to set your own boundaries and dealbreakers. Then you inform her about them and that’s all that you can do. The only other thing that you need to decide is what you will do if she won’t accept those boundaries. It’s then on her to either accept them or not to and in turn then to accept the consequences.
Make a decision for yourself, it’s all that you can do.
It’s clear that you come after his friends, and after that guy. Ask yourself two questions.. and answer what to do..
I’ve learned to with my gut. I caught a gf cheating and after following my gut and some light sleuthing determined that she hooked up with a friend in her friend group.
This is way too much work and struggle over a girl that frankly showed her hand by not being honest and by becoming defensive and combative over “nothing.”
If you really mattered to her, she wouldn’t feel caught in this tug of war between you and this friend. Her friends can hang out with her outside of his organized get togethers.
This is some high school shit. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t value your time and doesn’t respect the boundaries of your relationship.
Cheese and rice man. Why is it so hard for you to simply accept this not the right situation for you. Is she the only girl in the world? Sometimes it’s just not the right time or place with that person. I guarantee you if the shoe was on the other foot your GF would have told you just that as she walked out the door.
You are creating unneccessary drama in your relationship and in general distrust your girlfriend by being controlling. If you can’t stand who she is friends with and can’t trust that she is able to rebuff his advances: break up.
That new years situation: Most likely he shot his shot – and your girlfriend rebuffed him and chose you. Would you have liked it more if that hadn’t happened behind a closed door with soem privacy for them but instead right in the middle of a party for everyone to see?
What do you even expect? That your girlfriend doesn’t have private talks with other people, especially other men? That other men do not approach her? You need a reality check if that is what you want.
You’re basically on again off again over a guy that has feelings for her because she apparently can only be friends with people that go to parties at his house and these friends are never allowed to do anything else but things at this guys house. Think about that. Normal friends would understand it if she said “this guy confessed feelings for me while in a relationship so I’m not going to his house” yet she won’t do this. Strange.
Why don’t you confront him and tell him you know and not to hit on your girlfriend?
This is an issue to the extent that she is actively trying to hang out with him – a dude that likes her. If I were you I would not forbade anything but I would go with her, leave her alone and judge her reaction. The world is probably full of Lenis and Len might not be going away but how your GF handles it is what is important does she walk into it or distance herself and hang with others (is she next to him) are they in active communication before/after? Basic trust is needed but the devil is in the details for situations like these and while you can and should judge you should not need to police her behavior. If she fails – talk to her (as you probably already have but without making it a fight) and if the behavior repeats you simply breakup because that is your boundary.
“I want to be clear: this is not about jealousy in the sense of being afraid she’ll cheat.”
Boy, you cannot be that blind. She is literally choosing him over your relationship. It is that black and white.
“and she loves me”
No she doesn’t. Did you even read what you typed? A WOMAN SUPPOSEDLY “IN LOVE” would not hang out with another male that has feelings for her, PERIOD!
She is not and will not take your relationship as seriously as you are, she is proving that to you. Snap the F out of it OP! Jesus Christ, smh.