To preface this, I have been dating my gf for 8 months now, closing in on 9 months. We have our ups and downs, and I’m seriously in love with her. However, I found something out that happened between her and her boy best friend. So now I’m not sure how I move forward.
For privacy sake, the boy bestie’s name is Byron, and my gf name is kristina. They’ve been best friends for almost 4 years now (way before she and I started dating). They talk every day and see each other as siblings, his family practically adopted her and helped out with getting into university. So they’re tight.
But I’ve always held this belief that a man and a woman can’t be strictly friends and not catch feelings. This morning, I snooped through her phone (don’t crucify me, I know it’s wrong), and I only did it because she lied to me about another guy, but that’s another story. So while I was snooping I discovered that the two of them found each other attractive and for a time were fuck buddies. Why this bothers me? Well, I had my reservations about him before and expressed them to her. She told me nothing happened between them and that she only saw him as a brother. Even though he didn’t share the same sentiment. He repeated asked her and even told her it would be easier to date him since his family already likes her, but she didn’t budge.
It really just sucks knowing that Byron, who I will see for the rest of my life with Kristina, has been with her intimately like that. It rubs me the wrong way. I shouldn’t be angry or upset because this was before I showed up, but why didn’t she open up to me about this in the first place? I’m confused and contemplating breaking up with her over this (even though we got promise rings and everything). Her friends think we’re engaged, and everything is really messing with me.
Side note: She had a toxic ex before me, and so I asked her if she ever cheated, and she told me no. She never on anyone, with anyone. So I looked through her phone (she said I was free to do so unlike now) with this dude she was speaking with during her time with her toxic ex and found out she was actually cheating I don’t blame her because her ex was seriously bad. But why lie to me about that? So thats what sparked my renewed distrust with her and Byron.
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She lied to you your face. A big lie. What else is she lying about? Probably a lot. Exit left.
You’ve stumbled onto something pretty big here, if I were you I’d tread carefully with how you handle this, but try calm yourself down a bit before saying anything, go for a walk, clear your head, then when you’re alone with her, bring it up calmly and try not to make her feel like you’re accusing her of anything, just simply tell her that you feel uncomfortable that she lied to you and ask for an explanation, once she’s responded or reacted then you’ll know what to do, if she’s calm and communicates with you then maybe you can work past it, if she gaslights you then I’d say it’s best to break things off and move on, good luck and keep us updated
I think your belief is wrong, and it cheapens the idea of both friendships and relationships.
That said, if you have no trust, you have nothing. Break up, and next time you feel the need and good reason to snoop, either talk to her or skip straight to break up.
This is something you are going to have to live with. It is very common with good people. She has past lovers. Many of them will be around.
It is a good sign to remain friends with your exes.
She didn’t tell you because she couldn’t trust your world be mature enough to accept that reality in perspective. So the challenge is to prove you are capable of proceeding respectfully knowing she has been intimate with others.
This will happen with many future lovers. Honor her choices by respecting their current friendship. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.
I think that if you have issues with your partners having close male friends, you’ll have a pretty hard time finding a partner. Also, people are friends with their exes, and this only gets more common as you get older. Getting used to it will help you.
The lying from her is another issue though, and this is where it isn’t acceptable. Rather than making it about her having guy friends or what she did with his guy, address the real problem: that she said she had no history with him when that wasn’t the case. But try to do it as calmly as possible.
The lying alone should’ve been a deal-breaker. Break it off now before you get too entangled.
She lies and cheats. Enough said!