Original post here –
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/CwZ1pA6eDO
A few days ago I put my concerns onto reddit and got pretty much the answers I was expecting, and the answers I knew were true but didn’t want to be. I confronted him about being distant and it pretty much ended with him saying he thinks he needs to be alone, he’s been dealing with alot mentally and feels that he’d be dragging me down because of it, which I explained to him is so so silly but he’d made his mind up a while ago.
We had a 3 hour long phone call which was mostly just going round in circles, I asked him a few times if there was someone else and he adamantly said no, but I’m still not sure. He’s said he’d be willing to meet up in person in a few days to talk some more but I know in my heart he’s done with the relationship, he basically said he’s struggling to see a future where it works out with us, I don’t really know what that means to be honest.
So I suppose now I have a new question. How do I deal with this feeling? It feels like my world is ending and frankly it’s making me feel so pathetic, I don’t have many friends, I never have, so he felt like my pillar in all that’s going on in my life, I thought things were fine, good even, but now I just feel confused and betrayed, I don’t know where to go from here, any advice would be appreciated, and if anyone has experienced anything similar please share you’re story if you’re willing, it might make me feel less alone.
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any therapists near you maybe try one so you can unpack the feelings and emotions. You need to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.
I think you should let him go. Let go of him and the stress that he may have cheated. You’re too young, and not married with kids. There is no reason to keep his questionable energy around, especially if he wants to be single. It seems that you’re trying to give 90% hoping to get back to 100% in this relationship, while he is giving less than 10% trying to go to 0%. Good mental health equals mental wealth.
Breakups can be and most often are very emotionally taxing experiences. You cant just get over these emotions instantly. So unfortunately you are destined to suffer in one way or another. Nothing can really cancel these emotions out. But there are ways to soften up the fall, to ease up this breakup period. Here’s my list of things to help yourself recover as fast as possible with taking as little emotional damage as possible:
While inevitably thinking of him or remembering some good times you had always try to refocus your thoughts on all the bad things associated with him. Like how he cheated on you breaking your trust. Or some of his bad habbits, bad traits. Try to think of him as a bad person, a bad person that has done bad things to you, as a reason of your suffering. You are definitely adviced to exxagerate these kind of thoughts. The reason being that you need to balance out your feelings of loneliness, of longing him, missing him, of regret. You will definitely experience them but you can combat them with resentment, anger and blame. Later on you will be able to have a more rational look on things but right now its not about rationality or logic, its only about emotions.
You need to get rid of everything associated with him. Gifts and trinkets mostly. Maybe some memorable clothes or other personal belongings. Everything that can trigger your memories of him and that can be easily removed. You can send it right in the trash can or just store it all away in some remote corner of the attic. The main thing is not to encounter these things in your daily life so that you dont trigger any memories of him. You need to think about him as little as theoretically possible.
Therefore you need to break any contact with him at least for some time. No talking, no messages, no meeting him, nothing. This is extremely importaint because every time you interract with him you are going to suffer. You are going to prolong your breakup period and all the negative emotions that it brings you. Which must be avoided at all costs. Worst case scenario your brain starts to encourage thoughts of a potential reunion poisoning you with them and prolonging your suffering for an indefinite period of time.
And the last but definitely not least you need a new social environment. New people, new encounters, new friends, new experiences. You need to distract yourself from a broken relationship. This can be done in many different ways. Like engrossing yourself in work, or in a hobby. Or like finding a new hobby, a new group of people. The less time you spend alone the better. You can meet someone online or go to a local bar, or a tabletop game club, or just a regular night club, or even try something extreme like bunjee-jumping or paragliding. Of course you dont have to try and go out of your way just to fill the gap left by your previous relationship. But you definitely need a good disctraction.
Well thats about it. Some of these advice may seem harsh, but they definitely are effective. I personally used these methods several times and they worked. Of course there certainly are some generic advice like “You’ll find yourself someone better” and “He is not the only guy in the world”. And these things are all true and fine. But they don’t really matter to you at the moment because of all of these emotions. So what you need is to strategically influence your emotions the best ways you can.