I (21f) moved away from my family 3 years ago to study and since then I’ve been living in a flat that my parents own. The flat has 3 bedrooms so I decided to get roommates so that it wasn’t as expensive, and also to have some company which I find better than living alone.
I’ve had the same roommates for the past 3 years and we very quickly became best friends but they both left to go study abroad. I looked for new roommates and found these two girls that I’ll call Mary and Haley. They both moved in about a month ago. We got to know each other and I became good friends with Haley, but not as much with Mary because she’s more reserved so she tends to stay in her room.
I have 3 rules for the flat: no loud noises after 11pm on weekdays because we all have school or work; if one of us is not sleeping at home she tells the others (so that we don’t worry); and when someone is showering you have to wait for the end of their shower before you can take one. That’s because the plumbing in the flat is old and doesn’t work super well so when two people shower at the same time the person that was showering first gets cold water. And then obviously, keep the place clean, but that doesn’t really have to be said. I’ve had these rules with my previous roommates and everything went well.
Mary doesn’t really respect the shower rule. Normally, what we do is we scream “shower” before getting in, and then we scream “over” when we’re done. But there were a few times when Mary went into the shower before the other person was done. I completely understand that she wasn’t really used to the rule as much as I was so it probably wasn’t intentional, and it was really hot so taking a cold shower wasn’t a problem, so I just casually reminded her but I didn’t really say anything.
Yesterday, I was coming home from work a bit late and it was raining really hard so when I got home I went straight to the shower. I really wanted a nice hot shower because I was really cold and tired, but not even 2 minutes after I got in the shower the water turned cold. I had shampoo in my hair so it wasn’t ideal. I got out to see why it was cold and I heard another shower running, it was Mary. I had to wait until she was done to go back in the shower and finally have hot water.
Today I sort of confronted her about it and told her that it was kind of annoying and that it would really be better if she followed the rule. She told me that I was controlling and was trying to monitor when they showered and everything they did. I asked Haley if she felt the same way and she said no, and I also don’t feel like I try to control anything, or like the rules that I have are unreasonable. Mary left right after the argument and hasn’t been responding to our texts. I really want to fix it but I’m also not sure if I’m in the wrong or not.
Sorry if this is not clear, English isn’t my first language and the characters are limited so if you need clarification I’ll answer in the comments.
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I (21f) moved away from my family 3 years ago to study and since then I’ve been living in a flat that my parents own. The flat has 3 bedrooms so I decided to get roommates so that it wasn’t as expensive, and also to have some company which I find better than living alone.
I’ve had the same roommates for the past 3 years and we very quickly became best friends but they both left to go study abroad. I looked for new roommates and found these two girls that I’ll call Mary and Haley. They both moved in about a month ago. We got to know each other and I became good friends with Haley, but not as much with Mary because she’s more reserved so she tends to stay in her room.
I have 3 rules for the flat: no loud noises after 11pm on weekdays because we all have school or work; if one of us is not sleeping at home she tells the others (so that we don’t worry); and when someone is showering you have to wait for the end of their shower before you can take one. That’s because the plumbing in the flat is old and doesn’t work super well so when two people shower at the same time the person that was showering first gets cold water. And then obviously, keep the place clean, but that doesn’t really have to be said. I’ve had these rules with my previous roommates and everything went well.
Mary doesn’t really respect the shower rule. Normally, what we do is we scream “shower” before getting in, and then we scream “over” when we’re done. But there were a few times when Mary went into the shower before the other person was done. I completely understand that she wasn’t really used to the rule as much as I was so it probably wasn’t intentional, and it was really hot so taking a cold shower wasn’t a problem, so I just casually reminded her but I didn’t really say anything.
Yesterday, I was coming home from work a bit late and it was raining really hard so when I got home I went straight to the shower. I really wanted a nice hot shower because I was really cold and tired, but not even 2 minutes after I got in the shower the water turned cold. I had shampoo in my hair so it wasn’t ideal. I got out to see why it was cold and I heard another shower running, it was Mary. I had to wait until she was done to go back in the shower and finally have hot water.
Today I sort of confronted her about it and told her that it was kind of annoying and that it would really be better if she followed the rule. She told me that I was controlling and was trying to monitor when they showered and everything they did. I asked Haley if she felt the same way and she said no, and I also don’t feel like I try to control anything, or like the rules that I have are unreasonable. Mary left right after the argument and hasn’t been responding to our texts. I really want to fix it but I’m also not sure if I’m in the wrong or not.
Sorry if this is not clear, English isn’t my first language and the characters are limited so if you need clarification I’ll answer in the comments.
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> I think maybe I’m the asshole because the rule is a bit strict and can be annoying
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – kick her TF out
You established 3 simple rules. She knew the rules when she agreed to rent. Now she says the rules are controlling. That is an issue you bring up before agreeing to live BY THOSE RULES. She either needs to apologize and start living by the VERY SIMPLE (and rational shower rule) or you need to look for a new roommate. NTA
NTA, because there is a real problem when two showers are going at the same time, you’ve explained it and have a system in place to deal with it.
It may be that she doesn’t mind because she’s never experienced being the first shower and losing hot water when a second shower is turned on.
I can only suggest that you provide her with that experience once or twice. Then have a house meeting and go over ground rules together and see if all agree in then, want to add any, remove any and vote. Majority rules.
That’s better than saying you set the rules because your parents own the place. It will feel like she gets an equal say. Which is fair.
NTA.
It’s not at all unreasonable to want to have hot water for a shower, especially once cold weather comes. I could understand forgetting maybe once or twice after just moving in, but she should have remembered it by now. You’re not asking them to always let you shower first, it’s more a matter of first come, first served.
NTA- you should start getting in the shower after her so she understands where your coming from lol
clearly the answer is to take a shower while she is already in there and let her figure it out why its not a great idea -NTA
NTA. That rule is literally about practical plumbing issues, not trying to control anyone’s life. Mary just needs to understand the reason behind it.
From now on whenever you hear one of the roommates who feels this way go into the shower, start turning on your shower for a bit while they’re in there, so their water turns ice cold. Just keep doing it to them over and over until it personally affects them, and they see how crappy it is.
NTA. You aren’t trying to control when she showers. You just want a heads up so you don’t have to take a cold one.
NTA, it sounds like she’s doing this on purpose
Every time she is in the shower, turn on the other one so she gets cold water.
NTA
No way TA
Nta.
Either she needs “educated”…ie wait for her to start a shower and turn on the washer so that she gets only cold water, or… evict….
NTA
Why don’t you just turn off the shower and turn it on again? Then you get the hot water and she gets the cold.
NTA
You established rules, as the primary owner/leaseholder, and the roommates are your tenants. They agreed to the rules to move in, so they must follow the rules. Further, your rules aren’t unreasonable.
NTA