My father got into a terrible car accident about a year ago. He’s paralyzed from the waist down, has brain injuries, and in general has been a really tough time for my family and especially my mom. All of my wife’s siblings (3 sisters and a brother) live within a half hour of us and we see them all the time for birthdays, kids sporting events, holidays, etc.
I’ve started to remove myself from family events because not ONCE has anyone outside of my MIL and FIL asked me in-person, over the phone, or text how my dad’s doing, how my mom’s handling everything, or how I’m doing. It seems like they are acting like this is event never even happened. I just can’t figure out why the support is not there.
We’ve always been pretty close and like I said all live in the same area. The selfishness they’ve shown through this has been mind blowing and I’ve started to detest them as people. I avoid family events as much as possible now and it’s starting to impact my marriage negatively. My wife keeps saying that maybe they think I just don’t want to talk about it, but that seems like such a childish way to handle a tragedy IMO. Even worse, one of her sisters, who’s a stay at home mom, made it known to my wife about a week and half after the accident that she thought it was unfair that my MIL/FIL (who are retired and in good health) were having our 4 kids stay overnight at their house while my family and I were at the hospital most of the time. She then started spewing this to the rest of the siblings and a couple seemed to take her side. Pretty sure she was just mad she couldn’t use my MIL/FIL to watch her kids while she shops and goes out with her friends.
We’ve had probably 20 family events since the accident and no one has provided any words of support. Not even one comment from any of them. I feel like the’ve shown their true colors. AITA?
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My father got into a terrible car accident about a year ago. He’s paralyzed from the waist down, has brain injuries, and in general has been a really tough time for my family and especially my mom. All of my wife’s siblings (3 sisters and a brother) live within a half hour of us and we see them all the time for birthdays, kids sporting events, holidays, etc.
I’ve started to remove myself from family events because not ONCE has anyone outside of my MIL and FIL asked me in-person, over the phone, or text how my dad’s doing, how my mom’s handling everything, or how I’m doing. It seems like they are acting like this is event never even happened. I just can’t figure out why the support is not there.
We’ve always been pretty close and like I said all live in the same area. The selfishness they’ve shown through this has been mind blowing and I’ve started to detest them as people. I avoid family events as much as possible now and it’s starting to impact my marriage negatively. My wife keeps saying that maybe they think I just don’t want to talk about it, but that seems like such a childish way to handle a tragedy IMO. Even worse, one of her sisters, who’s a stay at home mom, made it known to my wife about a week and half after the accident that she thought it was unfair that my MIL/FIL (who are retired and in good health) were having our 4 kids stay overnight at their house while my family and I were at the hospital most of the time. She then started spewing this to the rest of the siblings and a couple seemed to take her side. Pretty sure she was just mad she couldn’t use my MIL/FIL to watch her kids while she shops and goes out with her friends.
We’ve had probably 20 family events since the accident and no one has provided any words of support. Not even one comment from any of them. I feel like the’ve shown their true colors. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m not attending family events with my in-laws anymore due to them providing no support after my family went through a tragedy. Am I the asshole for removing myself from events with that side of my family?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
The only clear A here is the sister who complained about missing free babysitting. Your wife is right; her siblings may feel like you don’t want to get personal with them. That doesn’t make them a-holes.
Maybe they don’t feel as close to you as you think. I would suggest approaching them first and letting them know that you could really use some support from them.
First off, I’m very sorry for what your family has been going through, a lifelong disability is hard on everyone, and support is needed all around.
The funny thing about ‘surface’ people is they say ‘oh anything I can do to help’ but they don’t mean it. They like easy stuff like someone broke their leg. They’ll bring over muffins one day, ask how their leg is doing because it will be over soon. Those are the magic words. OVER SOON. Every day gets better, cast comes off…it’s a surface wound no harm done.
The second it’s something serious, like a lifelong disbility, a mental illness, something like that, those surface people go away. They aren’t interested in pitching in for something that has no end, or is sad or depressing, or difficult to talk about. It’s not ‘fun help’, it’s ‘hard help’ and they’re not interested.
INFO – how often does your wife’s family ever see your mom/dad? Do your parents live close to you? Often it’s out of sight out of mind as well….? Is it just emotional support you’re looking for or are you asking them to step up to offer more, like visits or something else?
Sounds like they’ve shown their true colours. Your wife’s excuse is a cop-out….she should connect with her family and tell them you absolutely DO want to talk about it and they’re being rude in ignoring it. She could bring up your dad at a family event, like give an update so everyone is well aware that you ENJOY the opportunity to share this part of your life.
I would hesitate cutting them out….that’s a lifelong decision and will make things hard in your marriage for usre. Best is to deal with it in some way…even say one day, during a conversation, that ‘we’re finding it hard most days but talking about it helps’ or something so it teaches them that they can be doing better. They might not be a group you love and respect, but they’re family to your wife, so consider that it’s not just a friend you can toss aside.
Very best of luck to you and your family.
NTA. It sounds very disappointing that family have not met your expectations. Have you reached out to ask people to visit?sometimes people just don’t know what to say, and are waiting to be asked to help. Then again, these people may just be selfish.
Op-NTA. I’m so sorry, your Family is certainly going through a trying and emotionally charged time. My heart goes out to you all. Your Siblings-In-Laws certainly are a closed hearted bunch…. gotta say, if I was the Wife I would query WHY they have zero empathy, sympathy, or even a single care about the Tragedy happening in your Family. If I was either your Wife or YOU and heard SIL complaining about your children being with their Grandparents so that you could be with your Dad in Hospital, well, She would never hear from me again, not for anything. The level of complete selfishness and entitlement is staggering. Why hasn’t your Wife said anything TO THEM? As I said, my heart goes out to you and your family, seems like you won’t get anything of care or comfort from her side other than the Grandparents. Updateme.
Can I ask a serious question. This isn’t meant to be sarcastic at all I’m asking seriously. If they had said to you hey how’s your dad or how’s your family would that have made everything ok. Is it that they didn’t ask or that you feel they should have done something more. I’ll be honest my brothers partner I haven’t spoken 2 words to her siblings or her parents. I’ve met them said hello but that’s it. They are my brothers in laws not mine. I ask about my brothers partner and I’d have asked her hey how are you doing but that’s about it. So would them asking have changed anything. Seems like there’s more to it
What was your emotional connection with the siblings like before this? Some families are “close” in that they spend a lot of time together but they aren’t soul close and don’t share meaningful conversations/connection. If it’s always been that way, it might be that your needs have changed and the relationship hasn’t changed with you. In that case, they aren’t terrible people, it’s just that you are learning they aren’t going to be your close emotional support people and you will need to find that elsewhere. There may be a bit of transference happening with you where you are understandably angry with the situation and universe but since that doesn’t help, and you can’t turn that towards your family of origin, you are directing it at the siblings.
Sounds like they haven’t even missed you. Normal reaction would have been if they asked if you needed anything, any help, or how you were doing. This is not on you, ntah.
NTA – I understand how you feel. The exception is, it was me that was ill and my husband’s family. I would suggest counselling with your wife. It will help her understand how hurt you are. If you feel comfortable, bring your MIL and FIL in it eventually.
My ending – husband eventually saw what was going on.
When I started reading I was thinking that sometimes people don’t know what to say so they say nothing, which is worse I know but they feel awkward around the whole situation but then I read SIL comment complaining about her parents watching your kids and that’s just messed up. If you needed help with your kids and she’s a SAHM, she should have jumped in to help, so ya, I can see why your feelings would be hurt.
NTA. Sounds like you’re just trying to match their energy
I don’t make excuses for people’s behaviors, not my job. Seems like most people take it on as a full time job.
As I have navigated major life changing events my circle of friends and family has grown smaller. I don’t have extra time, energy and/or emotions to donate to the ungrateful, stupid, and/or uncaring.
One daughter was in a car accident, at 21 years old, that left her a paraplegic with many brain and emotional issues. It was touch and go for weeks, she was hospitalized for months. Her own biological father would not see her because it was too much negative energy.
I am polite but i don’t waste my precious time putting up with people’s shit. I cull them and don’t look back. I look forward so I can identify true friends.
Info
Prior to the accident – how much contact did your sibling in laws have with your parents/family? Did y’all do a lot of activities and events as a combined family? Did your parents and siblings become close friends after your wedding?