My husband and I have been together for eight years and married for two. We both always wanted kids, but he changed his mind last year.
He said he realized he doesn’t want kids and just grew up thinking that was how things should be (become an adult, work, have a family). He is also worried about finances; I would say we are “lower middle class”. He’s also been dealing with depression for some time now, and recently started therapy.
I’m currently trying to figure out how important it is for me to have kids.
My question to you all is, how did you know you wanted kids?
Thank you for any advice!
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You won’t get over this, think about moving on
So… I’m a bit like him. I always thought I’d go to university, meet someone there, get married, have kids.
I went to university and had a string of crap relationships. Then I decided to just live life and when I meet someone I meet someone.
So a few years later I met my now husband. By this point I was pretty much convinced I don’t want kids. Husband said “maybe one day”. I said ok I can live with that. Since then I reverted back to not wanting kids and he is on the same page.
Finances are a big factor for sure but for me the dealbreaker is how big of a lifestyle change it would be. No sleeping in on weekends. Very little, if any, spontaneity in the beginning.
The lack of sleep would kill both of us. We both have demanding careers we aren’t ready to leave. His parents are awful and my family is in a different country so we don’t have the proverbial village either.
And we don’t feel like anything is missing. We want to do things that doesn’t leave room for a child. Consider these things and also consider the fact that it can absolutely be the depression talking right now.
You say you always wanted kids. You’re not just going to change your mind like that. It sounds like your future plans are incompatible. It’s very sad but a split is inevitable.
I wasn’t in a great relationship when I fell pregnant with my son. I wasn’t sure I was ready.. but I knew I wanted to keep him. I’ve raised him as a single parent and now he is 18 and he blows my mind. We are close and enjoy each other’s company. He makes me see the world differently.
I was 32.
I hope your husband was gentle and asked how u felt regarding his decision.
I love being a mum. Just to 1.
Do what feels right.
I just knew I guess. The home I grew up in had its up and downs but we were a loving though dysfunctional at times family. I always imagined what it’d be like to have a husband who adores me and little mini me’s running around. I’m now married to the love of my life and my son will be a year in October. He’s a handful but I love him more than anything. Try to find the root of his new decision and decide whether you want kids or not. If so, is there any way to move forward with the relationship?
This is one of those things where if you do want kids, and he doesn’t, there’s likely no wiggle room to make this work.
If you’re not sure about having kids, that is different. But I’d ask yourself if you’ve always been a little unsure, or if you’re only telling yourself you’re undecided now because of fear that this signals the end of your marriage.
In terms of when people “know”, I have a different perspective as someone who never “knew” either way. My view on this is that, frankly, this “knowing” phenomenon feels misguided. I don’t doubt there are some people who truly “know” they want a child. However, most people who say they know actually don’t think very much about whether they truly want children, about why they want a child, and what could happen if they pursue having a child. They don’t run through the different possible outcomes in their head and really sit with it, including scenarios like having a high needs child that changes your life irrevocably (end of your career, full time caretaker, poverty potentially, etc.).
In essence, among the “I just know” people, are also people that frankly do not live in a state of mental and emotionally flexibility that is required of the life changing uncertainties around having a child.
If you are serious about not knowing how you feel and take this on seriously, I’d maybe go with your husband to couples counseling to help guide you on this specific subject. I’d also do actual research, read books, or watch media that focuses on explaining all the potential situations of having a child you would need to prepare for. Even to start, sit down with him to go over your finances and calculate approximately how much you would need to raise a child comfortably and the gap between that amount and your current projections.
I didn’t think I wanted children until I went through a breakup. My whole world sort of ended, and I realized that I wanted there to be more to my life than just what I lived. I wanted to leave a legacy of children to help make the world a better place.
That was an “intellectual” decision, though. I didn’t decide to actually have children until my wife and I had sort of done everything that a young couple can do together and I realized that anything beyond this would just be a repeat of what we already did. It was time to bring someone else into the equation. It was time to have kids.
I was like him.
I always just figure I’d have kids at some point when the time was right because….thats what you do with your uterus, right? 😬🙄
And had I gotten married in my early-mid 20’s, I probably would have had them.
But as I didn’t get married til I was 33, when the topic of kids really came to the forefront and I gave it careful consideration, I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted.
By that time, I was established in my career, traveling internationally for work, enjoying my time consuming hobby in a way I hadnt been able to afford when I was younger (horses), was enjoying my relationship, etc.
I realized that in order to be the kind of parent I’d want to be, my career would have to take a big step down, no more travel, hobby would have to downgrade significantly, and the things my partner and I enjoyed together would largely be put on hold for the next 20-25 years. Not to mention the strain on my body and risks for me given a diagnosis I got at 27 for a chronic illness.
Plus most of my friends had kids as “expected” and while they loved their kids, they weren’t much loving parenthood and all it entailed.
I don’t dislike kids. I do a lot of volunteer work with kids. Things I couldn’t do if I had kids of my own. I also have nieces and nephews that I can enjoy (and give back). And I have stepkids.
I dunno. If you really want kids then if I were in your shoes, step one would be to book an appt with a fertility specialist to be evaluated to see if you’re in good shape. Because if you’re not, it wouldn’t make sense to leave the relationship.
If you’re in great reproductive shape, then leave and find someone who wants (more) kids.
I’d just caution you that as women tend to date men a bit older than them, your dating cohort/pool is likely to include mostly men who already have kids from a previous relationship. So before you jump ship, is step parenting something you’re interested in? It’s rewarding but it can be challenging.
I was someone who grew up very on the fence about being a parent. There was a lot of chaos in my family of origin between my parents & the kids, and I didn’t want to relive that. But at some point, I changed. I felt like someone was missing in my & my spouse’s life, and that someone was a child. I knew people with babies & little kids, and while I saw the disruption (lack of sleep, changed schedules), I also saw the joy. When I thought of our future, there were kids there.
All the data is against having kids. You’re inviting relatives you don’t know to live with you for decades! Who would do that? Kids are expensive, they might not be healthy, the world is a dumpster fire. But all of that has been true forever, and yet people take on that risk all the time.
I am generally a pretty rational person and try to make decisions based on data. However, I’ve discovered that when it’s hard to make a big life decision, the right thing for me to do is usually the thing I want to do. The heart knows what it wants. When I thought of the future I wanted, I had kids in that future. Fortunately my spouse felt the same.
From what I have seen, people who want kids are never happily talked out of it. They always regret not having kids. I have known only one person who didn’t want kids flip and be truly happy when they did, so I wouldn’t count on that. Best luck to you. Don’t be afraid to want the life you want.
I’m a woman and by my mid-20’s I was sure I wanted kids. Was also lower-middle class at the time. It was a gut-level knowledge that would not let me go. There was no back-and-forth in my brain about pros and cons. I was sure.
Fast forward a couple of decades – I’m a mom of 4 and no longer lower-middle class. 😎
You need to leave him and soon
I don’t think you should give up on wanting children.
You’re no longer compatible. I would leave.
I just knew. There’s no justification, or anything like that. No “I want kids because XYZ”. You just want them or don’t want them period.
I had only two relationships where I didn’t want them, and it turned out I don’t want kids from these particular people. I’m not saying this is what happened with your husband, people are allowed to change their minds. But there’s really no compromise here, you can’t just have half a kid. Just be sure that if you wish to stay with him, you won’t regret it some day.
That is soo much I’m sorry OP. No advice just hugs. 🤗
I didn’t want children until I met my husband. We had ours kids young, and now are enjoying being young enough to enjoy life together doing the things we love. Children aren’t for everyone, sometimes it’s better to be a fabulous Aunt than a parent. I must admit I enjoy my time with my grandchildren way more than I enjoyed my own children. I was always too tired to always appreciate the time with them. I sometimes think I may have enjoyed my own children more if I had them later in life, but then would I enjoy my grandchildren as much as I do now? In short there’s no “right” answer. Good luck OP in making your decision xx
It’s ok to divorce over this. It’s a very reasonable reason to marry, and there’s not much compromise on this. It’s easier to divorce now than after you get pregnant or his depression gets worse or your finances even more entwined.
“We want different things in life” is not unreasonable.
The worst would be to be stuck with no kids and a depressed man who expects you to nurse him.
Well, you’re incompatible. You either stay in your marriage with no children in your future or you get a divorce and go find someone to give you what you want. It’s sad your husband should have said something sooner and not wasted your one prime years to have children. Do what you want but he betrayed you in the worst way by giving you hope and then changing his mind.
Good for him to deconstruct the pressure we grow up with, what’s “normal”. I was iffy on kids til about 29, then it just…happened. I know that’s not helpful.
Think of the good AND the bad. It’s expensive. You could have a kid with disabilities. it’s fun. You love them like crazy. Working with a kid is tough. etc.
If you still want them, you’re not compatible. It’s no one’s fault.
The thing about kids is can you afford them, and do you have help.
That’s pretty cruel, eight years and he changes his mind, anyway remember that minds can be changed again, as a father when you have a child it changes you overnight, you have to think about that child over yourself.
There is zero compromise on this issue. If he has changed his mind, then youbtwobare fundamentally not compatible. Having a kid when he doesn’t want one will end your marriage, and make him resent you. You never having kids, and want them, will lead to you resenting him, and full of regrets.
No one will ever be happy in a marriage where two people want different things.
Nuanced comment: you aren’t in the income class where you will be jet setting off to Ibiza every weekend or enjoying the finer luxuries in life, so…youll just be together…without a family…watching tv every night for the next 70 years? Is that what you want? I’m not saying its easy to afford kids but everyone makes it work. The money comes from somewhere.
I would go find someone who wants kids and build my dream life. Your husband needed therapy years ago, and I hope he gets the support he needs, but if you want a family, taking action sooner rather than later is in your best interest.
He dragged his feet for 6 years before marrying you. Don’t let him take any more time.
You should follow your life dreams and goals. He changed his mind but that doesn’t mean you have to.
I knew I didn’t want kids because:
I don’t want to do all of the work that raising a child requires. I don’t want my sleep to be terrible or my life to be all about taking care of another person. Once you have a kid, you no longer come first, even to yourself. I’ve seen how that impacts romantic relationships too.
Having a child is a gamble. There is zero guarantee the child you have will be healthy or well adapted. No one sets out to raise a child that joins a gang or becomes addicted to drugs. Good parents have kids that do bad things all the time.
My husband and I are childfree, we have lots of financial goals and travel annually. We have a friend group of about 60 people and they are 50% childfree. Every weekend we do something fun with them.
Growing up, I didn’t think I would want kids. It’s not like as a child or teenager I pictured having them or anything, but in my early 20s I just felt like, an urge? Like, I wanted to have kids like how I want to eat when I’m hungry. You know that song Call Me Maybe? The part where she says “before you came into my life, I missed you so bad” – that was how I felt about my kids. Then, I had my kids and like a light switch, I didn’t feel that way anymore. It’s the quest thing. I can’t really describe it, but I wanted kids enough that I arranged my life to have and raise them.
Being a parent has been incredibly rewarding and I feel really lucky that this is how my life has turned out this far. I have teenagers now and each stage has been its own kind of wonderful – sure some of it sucks but even the sucky parts feel like a privilege.