I love him so much. He was the first man to treat me like a princess, to say in the very beginning that his job is to take care of me and make sure I have everything I need for a happy life, that he would feel accomplished in providing just that. It’s so hard to find men like this! We’re 3 years into the relationship. We met when he was travelling around as a digital nomad and he literally moved countries to come live with me permanently. We get along well. But his job is not the highest paying, which is ok for now, but he already said loud and clear that he doesn’t have any plan of pursuing a career or going after a higher pay. He talks about buying 400k houses and having a family, but his income doesn’t match that. Mine doesn’t either but I’m working my ass off to climb the corporate ladder – something I feel sometimes he resents. He says all the time I shouldn’t care so much about my job & my career.
So now I feel completely lost because I love him, but his lack of drive is such a big turn off and I feel like it might be a serious problem when we decide to have kids and whatnot… any advice for this?
TL;DR love my boyfriend but he hates working hard/grinding/looking for a better career.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
He’s not financially compatible or realistic with you. Definitely don’t have kids with him unless he finds a higher paying job.
Love and words aren’t enough to sustain a relationship, unfortunately. And things rarely get better after having kids. The stress of kids will likely make pain points even worse.
Four things:
Communication. Express your concerns without seeking reassurance or putting the words you want to hear into the mouth of a person who loves to make you happy and will know just what to say. Let him speak for himself. Listen without comment, and give yourself time to think about whether he can be trusted as a decision maker.
Questions, specifically Socratic questioning: Honey, how are we ever going to afford a house like that? Let him explain. If his explanations aren’t practical and realistic, as in, “Oh, didn’t I mention I’m heir to an oil family?”, then go back to item number one.
Know your hopes and dreams, and your limits. Once you have learned his explicit plan, see how you feel about it. It’s hard to negotiate with a people-pleaser because they will (consciously or subconsciously) hide things that don’t bring a smile to your face, but you have to know his vision for the future. His lack of drive is a legit concern. If, deep down, he pictures you breaking your back to climb the ladder, with pauses to bear children he will take care of (possibly working from home part-time, possibly leaving the workforce altogether), is that a vision you share and endorse? If you have any reservations, any questions about timeline or number of kids, any concerns about cash flow or savings or anything, go back to item number one.
Set boundaries. If you realize that you imagine a happy marriage involves living within one person’s income and using the other income as a safety net, or don’t want kids, or want to stay home to raise them, or whatever, don’t compromise on those things even if you are open to negotiate timeline or other flex points.
Counseling might be a good idea — it’s for happy couples as well as unhappy ones — but definitely take a communication course.
Good luck.
It sounds like you two have fundamentally different values when it comes to work and financial goals. He’s happy where he is, and you want growth. Neither is wrong, but if you stay, you’ll either have to adjust your expectations or resent him long-term. Have a serious talk about finances, kids, and lifestyle. If he dismisses your concerns, that’s your answer.
It’s not that he’s not ambitious. He is content with his current job. That’s absolutely fine!
If you have worries about money then you should talk about this with him. Find out how you can both bring enough for future plans.
Also, let’s not forget many families have been built and raised with love, with fsr less money.
Hope you guys figure it out.
Its absolutely fine if he doesn’t want a high paying job. And it’s great if you do.
However unless you are happy supporting him this relationship is never going to work.
Some people work to live. He’s “some people”.
The problem is that he isn’t supportive of your career pursuits.
My partner works to live. I have a reasonably lucrative career. It affords us a good life. If we both made 6 figures, we could have an even better life. But I’m content with the situation as is he.
You’re not. And the more you take on in your career the more likely this is going to cause conflict.
This will get much rougher if you have kids and he’s not earning much.
If you’re climbing the corporate ladder and pushing, you’re probably interested in having a nice/decent house in a place with good schools. And you probably have reasonable lifestyle expectations for vacations, eating out, etc. All normal things your corporate peers do.
If bf is disinterested in this path and doesn’t earn enough to support it, you will start to resent it real fast when your expenses skyrocket due to kids and it’s basically all on you. When your peers are able to take a few years off work while the husband supports the family, but you can’t do that, it also will breed resentment against your partner.
I’ve made a few assumptions in the above analysis, but if I’m directionally right, I don’t think you guys are a fit. It would probably be better to find a new man who is aligned with the life you want.
Communication. Couples therapy will help with this immensely. I’m the high motivation, higher earner in my relationship and it’s taken a year of couples work to find healthy communication and boundaries around that situation. The difference in mine is he wants to earn more, but keeps striking out. Try having these communications about what is needed from the both of you for your ideal future together with a third party mediator, such as a therapist, to effectively get you onto that path together.