I’m 48M and for the past 4 weeks my wife and daughter have been away visiting family abroad. I’ve not yet had a chance to discuss this with my wife due to the time difference, but in any case it would be nice to get an unbiased opinion from those of you here.
Yesterday I decided that rather than stay in watching Netflix, I’d indulge in a night of live music at a nearby pub. I’m a lifelong introvert, but do enjoy live music and can usually convince myself to have a bit of a dance. As I arrived, the band was just stopping for a break. I went to the bar to order a drink, and as I waited to be served, a woman in her late 30s came up beside me and said “Oh, you’re tall”. Now, it’s not the first time I’ve heard this given that I’m 6ft3. She immediately apologised for saying that, before telling me that her ex was 6ft6. We probably spoke for about five minutes, after which she went back to her group of friends (she mentioned there were 6 of them out together).
The band started playing and I decided I’d enjoy myself and have a dance. I’m not a good dancer and I’m terribly self-conscious. I noticed that the woman I spoke with earlier was also on the dance floor with her friend group which comprised of 3 women and 3 guys (it’s only about 5m x 3m). I didn’t speak with her again, but one of the male friends in her group, Jack (name changed), spoke with me over the course of the night.
Once the band finished, I ordered one last drink. Jack spotted me and asked if I wanted a cigarette. I don’t smoke, but was happy to chat. As we were talking, the woman I had spoken with earlier came out from the pub with her friends. She told Jack they were leaving, at which point I said “Bye” to her. I said this to be polite and was taken aback by what happened. One of her friends, a well-built man, said “Don’t!” while I’m sure I heard one of her female friends say “Oh, she’s not having a good..”, and I couldn’t hear the rest. I was shocked, and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. The stocky man then said “Don’t know what I’m talking about?! I’ve been watching you all night, you’re a creep!”. The irony of that sentence wasn’t lost on me, but I don’t like confrontation and I wasn’t about to point that out. Not to mention that I clearly didn’t want to escalate the situation. I shook my head in disbelief as they all headed off. I stood there for a while, finishing my pint, both surprised and upset as to what had just happened.
I should probably just chalk this down to alcohol-induced behaviour. I’d like to just focus on the enjoyable experience I had listening to the music and dancing, but all I am really thinking about is how upsetting that comment was and whether I’m in the wrong for saying goodbye when I probably didn’t need to. I’m probably being overly sensitive here and just need to move on, but I’m curious whether you think I’m the A-Hole for overstepping an unwritten social boundary here.
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I’m 48M and for the past 4 weeks my wife and daughter have been away visiting family abroad. I’ve not yet had a chance to discuss this with my wife due to the time difference, but in any case it would be nice to get an unbiased opinion from those of you here.
Yesterday I decided that rather than stay in watching Netflix, I’d indulge in a night of live music at a nearby pub. I’m a lifelong introvert, but do enjoy live music and can usually convince myself to have a bit of a dance. As I arrived, the band was just stopping for a break. I went to the bar to order a drink, and as I waited to be served, a woman in her late 30s came up beside me and said “Oh, you’re tall”. Now, it’s not the first time I’ve heard this given that I’m 6ft3. She immediately apologised for saying that, before telling me that her ex was 6ft6. We probably spoke for about five minutes, after which she went back to her group of friends (she mentioned there were 6 of them out together).
The band started playing and I decided I’d enjoy myself and have a dance. I’m not a good dancer and I’m terribly self-conscious. I noticed that the woman I spoke with earlier was also on the dance floor with her friend group which comprised of 3 women and 3 guys (it’s only about 5m x 3m). I didn’t speak with her again, but one of the male friends in her group, Ian, spoke with me over the course of the night.
Once the band finished, I ordered one last drink. Ian spotted me and asked if I wanted a cigarette. I don’t smoke, but was happy to chat. As we were talking, the woman I had spoken with earlier came out from the pub with her friends. She told Ian they were leaving, at which point I said “Bye” to her. I said this to be polite and was taken aback by what happened. One of her friends, a loutish well-built man, said “Don’t!” while I’m sure I heard one of her female friends say “Oh, she’s not having a good..”, and I couldn’t hear the rest. I was shocked, and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about”. The stocky man then said “Don’t know what I’m talking about?! I’ve been watching you all night, you’re a creep!”. The irony of that sentence wasn’t lost on me, but I don’t like confrontation and I wasn’t about to point that out. Not to mention that I clearly didn’t want to escalate the situation. I shook my head in disbelief as they all headed off. I stood there for a while, finishing my pint, both surprised and upset as to what had just happened.
I should probably just chalk this down to alcohol-induced behaviour. I’d like to just focus on the enjoyable experience I had listening to the music and dancing, but all I am really thinking about is how upsetting that comment was and whether I’m in the wrong for saying goodbye when I probably didn’t need to. I’m probably being overly sensitive here and just need to move on, but I’m curious whether you think I’m the A-Hole for overstepping an unwritten social boundary here.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’d like to know whether I overstepped a socially acceptable boundary by saying goodbye, given that it clearly irritated one or more of the group of friends she was with.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Did you spend the evening staring at her and the group noticed ?
Bath
She hit on you, it sounds like you didn’t reciprocate, so she went back and told her friends you’re a creep. You being there by yourself unfortunately played into this dumbass narrative.
NTA.
NTA
Her guy friend obviously has a protector fantasy and had already decided to make you a target. Men say all kinds of things they shouldn’t to women in bars but “bye” is not one of them.
Info:
Did you keep looking at her and it was noticeable?
Did she actually say you were a creep? Or was it just the guy
NTA. She started the small talk, you kept your distance, and you gave a polite goodbye. A jealous drunk in her group played bouncer and invented a boundary to justify causing a scene. Forget it and keep enjoying the music.
NTA and you’re way overthinking this
NTA. My guess is since you were alone they thought it was awkward because it isn’t their social norm (out with a group of 6) and either she tried to hit on you or be friendly, and it somehow escalated to thinking you were a creep. Likely again, because you were alone. Not saying it’s fair. I wouldn’t overthink it.
Not sure what you did to provoke that comment, but honestly the way it is written is kind of weird. Possibly the ahole or you were just weird.
You’re fine sweet, this is a them issue not a you issue.
Either the woman was chatting you up and you didnt notice. She obviously struck out so told her group of friends you turned out to be a creep
Or the guy who said it fancies the woman and this was his way of warning you off while being her protector.
Not your problem, nothing you did was wrong, In fact HUGE well done for dancing by yourself, going for a drink by yourself etc, so many people struggle with this. And for just being a pleasant guy, makes a nice change here.
You are NTA but I hope you realize that it is unusual and creepy for a man to go to a bar alone and hit the dance floor. It is seriously weird. I don’t get the slightest impression that you ARE a creep but you definitely would have set off my radar and I would have been keeping an eye in you.
NTA. And also ignore the misandrists on here telling you that you shouldn’t go to a pub alone, shouldn’t dance, or are accusing you of staring at a woman when they weren’t even there. Saying “bye” is also fine.
NTA
NTA The people in that group were weird.
There are some TA in the comments.
It isn’t creepy for a single person to go to a bar.
It isn’t creepy for a single person to dance at this bar.
A single person in a bar can be there just for the music and even dance to it, like OP. Not creepy.
A single person might be there to pick up someone. That isn’t creepy.
A single person might go to a bar to just be around people, to not feel alone for a couple of hours, to have a beer or a cocktail without having to buy a six-pack or a full bottle.
Seems like too many people think single people should stay home, stay in their hotel room while traveling. What is up with that?
You are 48. You didn’t say how old they were. But I’d chalk it up (never heard “chalk it down”) to generational differences. Younger people tend to think all sorts of things are “creepy” that older people wouldn’t bat an eyelash at. (Truly, the words “creepy” and “creep” are used, specifically.) And I don’t mean younger people are more apt to call out sexual harassment; I mean they tend to think totally normal social interactions are inappropriate. For example, they don’t like when people smile at them or try to make small talk at the cash register. They think “I don’t owe you a hello or my time.” It’s weird. But I guess they think us older people are weird (or “creeps”!)
NTA. I’m not sure what the customs are like where you live, but I’ve been in countless pubs with live music, and it’s very rare for someone to be dancing by themself. My guess is that she thought you might have come onto the dance floor to approach her, or that it was just odd to see someone dancing alone. You didn’t do anything wrong whatsoever, but I suppose one of them may have thought that was creepy.
INFO: How/when/what did Jack talk to you about and what prompted him to come over and speak to you while you were dancing if you weren’t paying any attention to their group?