So my twin brother (21M) came back from his summer job up north a few days go. My mom was deeply affected by this since he was 18 hours away from home and living on his own for the first time and kept minimal contact with us. I (21M) thought things would be back to normal once he came back, ig I was wrong. Yesterday at dinner he pulled me aside told me he and his friend from uni already signed and paid for a 4 month lease on an apartment downtown closer to his campus and would be moving in 2 weeks from now.
He hasn’t told our parents yet and when I do ask him when he plans to let them know he just keeps saying “maybe today or tomorrow” and “I’m waiting for the right time.” Meanwhile my mom thinks everything is going back to how it was before. She’s even planning a family trip before the summer ends and she’ll be heartbroken when she finds out.
He also told me not to say anything to them which leaves me carrying the burden of this secret while he avoids confrontation. I feel guilty watching my mom believe things are normal when they aren’t.
AITA if I tell my parents before he does?
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So my twin brother (21M) came back from his summer job up north a few days go. My mom was deeply affected by this since he was 18 hours away from home and living on his own for the first time and kept minimal contact with us. I (21M) thought things would be back to normal once he came back, ig I was wrong. Yesterday at dinner he pulled me aside told me he and his friend from uni already signed and paid for a 4 month lease on an apartment downtown closer to his campus and would be moving in 2 weeks from now.
He hasn’t told our parents yet and when I do ask him when he plans to let them know he just keeps saying “maybe today or tomorrow” and “I’m waiting for the right time.” Meanwhile my mom thinks everything is going back to how it was before. She’s even planning a family trip before the summer ends and she’ll be heartbroken when she finds out.
He also told me not to say anything to them which leaves me carrying the burden of this secret while he avoids confrontation. I feel guilty watching my mom believe things are normal when they aren’t.
AITA if I tell my parents before he does?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my brother swore me to secrecy and if I betray him and go behind his back to break the news to my parents then he’ll feel hurt/betrayed and could possibly ruin our relationship.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YWBTA.
This isn’t your news nor is it your problem to fix. You can urge your brother to tell her, explain she’s making plans etc and why not tell her right away? But ultimately it’s up to him. He obviously caught the independance bug and likes that life. You won’t be far behind…:) Be happy for him but yeah, don’t spill the beans.
Your brother told you because he wanted you to know and because he trusts you to keep it a secret.
If you were to go behind his back and tell your parents, nothing would change except your brother wouldn’t trust you anymore.
There’s no reason to tell your parents.
Edit: yes, you would BTA
YTA
Um, things are normal? 21-year olds usually move away from home? This is how life is supposed to go? No shade towards those who do differently, but your brother is behaving like a perfectly normal 21-year old. It’s not your place to say anything, and I think you need to start looking yourself at what it means that your mom seemingly wants things to always remain “normal,” at least according to her definition of normal. YTA.
YWBTA. Its not your info to tell
YWBTA. Look. I get it. Your brother is TA for avoiding telling your parents, and it hurts to see your mum happy thinking both her sons are back under her roof, when you know what is going to happen.
But this is between your brother and parents. He is an adult, and he can do hard things. All you can do is tell him that the longer he avoids telling them, the harder it will be later.
In my opinion I think it is best that the news comes from your brother than from you. While I understand the guilt you feel from letting your mother stay unaware. You shouldn’t feel responsible for the effects of this information being withheld, your brother is the one responsible for that. You have a kind soul for feeling for your mother, and what you can do is encourage your brother tell her sooner rather than later. Hope this pans out well ❤️
YWBTA.
This isn’t your drama to get in the middle of, and if you do you’ll only push your brother further away than your mother clearly already has. Your brother is 21. That’s an age where it’s normal to move out and develop a life outside of your parents. That he felt the need to secretly sign a lease, and that your mom would be “heartbroken” for him to move out, is a sign that your mom’s holding onto his (and your) childhood too tightly.
Supporting your kids as they move away from you, emotionally and physically, is hard. It has to be done, though. Let your brother and your mother navigate the new norm together. It’ll show you what to expect when you’re ready to leave, too.
YWBTA. That’s not your news to share and it sounds like he has good reason not to if she got worked up about her 21 year old living on his own for the first time.
>she’ll be heartbroken when she finds out.
Ok, and? Don’t have kids if you don’t expect them to grow up.
>while he avoids confrontation
I genuinely feel like people on Reddit need to learn what confrontation means. Are you suggesting that your mom will become hostile if he tells her? Again, look up the meaning of this word. Simply telling someone something is not “confrontation,” so any “confrontation” that happens would be all on her.
Don’t make excuses for a parent’s helicoptering and/or emotional enmeshment. Absolutely do not enable it.
If you want to be a mama’s boy homebody, that’s your choice. But don’t act like your brother is doing anything remotely inappropriate. And again, I suspect if you reflect on your mom’s behavior, you’d realize it’s unreasonable.
YTA. Why are you acting like this is horrible? You get children are SUPPOSED to want to move out, right?
People need to ask you to keep a secret BEFORE they tell it. I don’t like keeping secrets so I’d tell them not to tell me. So NTA from me.
YWBTA
It’s not your place to tell your parents, he also asked you to keep it a secret. So if you do tell them you not only lose his trust, it will be less likely he will tell you anything in future.
Keep it to yourself.
YWBTA if you tell before he does. He’s an adult, and it’s his news on his timeline. You aren’t obligated to lie or be his messenger, but don’t preempt him. Tell him you won’t cover for him or answer for him. If your parents ask, say “That’s his news. Please ask him.” Then stay out of it.
Why in the world would you ever tell? He’s 21 years old. You absolutely would be the asshole
YTA. Your twin is seeking independence which, apparently, your mother isn’t ready for. Stay out of his business and get prepared for your mother to try to guilt you into never moving away from home. If you’re smart, you’ll start looking for a roommate so that you, too, can begin the process of becoming independent.
YTA
He’s 21.
You also give off vibes like your mum is super into your lives. He took a job 18hours away and barely contacted any of you.
That’s a little telling.
YWBTA and sounds like your family is a bit enmeshed. Growing up is a fact of life, it isn’t a tragedy and I feel there is some backstory to why your brother is afraid to tell your parents about that.
YWBTA if she had such a negative reaction before to him leaving, there is a reason he isn’t telling her now. Your moms feelings aren’t your responsibility and this family dynamic does not sound very healthy. She is a grown woman, if she’s this bad about him leaving how do you think she’ll react when it’s your time?
Your parents should be proud of you growing up and being stable living on your own, not trying to force you to stay in the same position in life with them forever. Things never go back to the way they were because they were never supposed to. You grow up, you move on and make your own life, that’s how it’s supposed to go. That’s what your parents did, and their parents, that’s how life works.
Do not hinder your brothers growth, especially if you might have to deal with these same issues in the future.
YTA. Gently because you don’t seem to realize this, but something about your home life is something he’s trying to get away from. No one takes a job that far away, purposely maintains minimal contact and immediately arranges for a way back out under cover of night if everything is “fine”.
I think your brother telling you is a bad move because it puts the burden on you and the consequence for not saying something if it comes out you knew. The only reason I can think of is that he either trusts you and didn’t think it through or he’s telling you in case you possibly wanted an out too.
Ywbta
I’m betting there was a very good reason your brother picked a summer job that was so far away and was low contact while he was gone. His decision to move out again is his business. He doesn’t need his brother to tattle to mommy and daddy. YTA.
YWBTAH. Do not tell them. Tell him instead that he has to tell them in the next week or you will and that you don’t want to keep secrets. Your mom NEEDS to learn to let go. It is healthy and normal for a 21 year old to NOT want to live at home. BTW even if he is living there, that doesn’t mean he can’t / won’t go on the family trip. Once he tells your mom, I suggest you mention he is WAY WAY more likely to stay close and do things like this family trip if he isn’t guilt tripped and pressured.
it’s not yours to tell it’s his. if he is old enough to rent an apartment he is old enough to tell them. he most likely told you so you would blab and he wouldn’t have to start that difficult conversation. keep it to yourself and let the chips hit where they may
YWBTA but if you can keep news from your brother to yourself then you need to tell home to stop telling you things that he doesn’t want your parents to know. It’s very strange that a 21 year old has to hide moving out of home from his parents. That’s a perfectly normal thing to do. What kind of “normal” did you think life would go back to? And how long did you and your mum think this would go on for. This doesn’t sound like an entirely healthy family dynamic.
Normal is a person who has grown up and being an adult wanting to have their own place to live. If your parents are guilting you and your brother about normal things like growing up and leaving the nest, then there’s something wrong with them. YTA
YWBTA
He’s an adult and this is not your news to share.
No, you do not. Your brother is an adult and has trusted you with this information. Keep your mouth shut. He will lose faith in you if you don’t. Hopefully, you are in school too, and looking forward to the future. And perhaps ready to move out as well.
Your mom certainly loves you both but is holding on too much, which is why your brother is keeping it secret for now. You’re adults and ready to move out and get on with your own lives. You could suggest that your mom check with everyone for this vacation prior to making actual reservations. And that’s it.
It’s not your secret to tell. If he chooses not to say anything until he’s in the process of leaving, it’s on him.
YTA your brother is seeking independence from mummy, she needs to realise he’s an adult and not her baby boy
No, this is his news to tell your mother. He’s made an adult decision and he needs to tell his mother.
Also, I think you should go to him and tell him not to tell you and the secrets. It’s difficult for you to keep things from your mom and the best way for you not to betray his trust is for him not to tell you anything.
I didn’t even know you could sign a 4 month lease
TA mind your business. You sound like a total joy… not. You have some mommy issues that YOU need to work out. Your brother is living his life. You mind your own. Rather simple.
YTA
It’s your brothers news to tell. He can give his own info and reasons where you can’t.
You’d just be upsetting everyone for no reason.
Also, moving away for college is normal. Don’t enable her going backwards when you all should be looking forward. Time to grow up.
YTA
YWBTA if you tell your parents that your brother signed a lease. It’s not your place to tell. Your mom will find out soon enough and then it will be his issue when they find out.
YTA
It’s not your place to say, your brother will tell them in his time.
YTA
Not your story to tell. If you don’t want to lose the relationship with your twin, don’t betray him.
But you should consider WHY he thinks it is necessary to leave and NOT tell his parents until he is gone – and maybe you should do the same.
YWBTA if you tell. It’s his news and he has to share them. Talk to him about it, about trip and what you think about him keeping it secret, push him to tell it, but don’t do it yourself.
Ywbta if you told parents without letting bro do this first. Set a deadline, tell bro to inform them by then, or you will feel compelled to. Day or 2 past this deadline, feel free to blab
It is not your secret to reveal, if you break your brother’s trust YTA.
YTA. He’s an adult. He wants to live on his own. This IS normal for him. But if your mom is the kind to be deeply affected by the fact that her adult child is growing up, all you’d be doing is making his life harder by springing him into conflict with her before he’s ready to face it.