Now my dad (parents in their 70s) says I threw him a curve because I (40f) don’t want it the way my brother (41m) says to do it.
The thing is I have never felt the freedom to express that with them, except to back up my mom’s promise often repeated to me that everything be divided equally.
My brother is extremely vocal about how “dumb” my mom’s ideas are (selling everything and splitting the proceeds) and has always insisted he wanted land.
My dad asked me 15 years ago if it was ok for him to leave all his property to my brother and me to get investments instead. It wasn’t then and it isn’t now. I definitely felt my dad was not backing up my mom and wanted to favor my brother.
So my dad asked me again this week and I told him. I want to split the land and the investments, and I would prefer to own outright, without it automatically passing to my brother’s child (I don’t have children).
It seems like I upset my dad. I guess I was just supposed to accept whatever my brother chooses to grant? I wasn’t raised with this much gender inequality.
I posted in another sub and a lot of people said I shouldn’t be asking for an equal amount because it’s not my decision.
AITA for responding to all this?
Comments
I don’t know who the people are who said “it’s not your decision.” Well, in the end, it’s NOT your decision, BUT you were ASKED for your opinion. When you are asked, you can give your truthful opinion. If your dad didn’t want to know what you think, he should not have asked you! Your mom is right, though…everything should be divided equally.
Nta it should be split 50/50 have you asked why he doesn’t want to do that?
Is the land roughly equivalent to the investments? Is this a “golden child” situation where you dad simply want to favor your brother?
NTA
NTA – he asked and you answered. The only caveat I would throw in is …. Tell him you believe the fairest and most unbiased solution is to divide everything in half . If the brother wants the land he can use some of his portion of the investments and buy you out
He asked you to rubber stamp your brother being given preferential treatment so he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it. He should feel guilty. If he wants to favour one child, that’s his problem to deal with the fall out, especially if it goes against your mum’s wishes and everything is half hers.
Your brother, and father, are both selfish AHs. I’d guess they both know they’re trying to screw you but are too cowardly to admit it
nta
I am sooo happy to live in a country where something like that isn’t allowed (exceptions are possible, like if an offspring tried to seriously harm sibling or parent or worse. Also sometimes other reasons, too complicated for here)
You got asked. I feel there should not have been that question, equal share is IMHO what should be normal / law everywhere. But that includes IMHO also chosen family people, but then again, equal split then too
NTA. In no way could you be the asshole except your dad and brother are sexist
NAH – The will should split all the assets 50/50. If bro wants to buy you out for the land he can. Get the land professionally appraised – will cost you $250. Then offer to sell it to him at present market value. If not then you can force the sale and split the proceeds.
Well, whenever my parents died, grandmother, etc. It cost me money….so I would take anything, lol. But if there are 2 of you, everything should be divided equally.
Listen just give your opinion and then leave it. We are lucky to get any inheritance from our parents.. And this might not affect you for another 20 years.
Live your life. It’s between your mom and dad.
Ya hour brother and dad are divks. Surprise surprise, men generally suck.
NTA.
You were asked how you wanted things split. You answered honestly. Your parents are, of course, free to do whatever they want, but being upset that you’re asking for a fair split instead of favoring your brother is ridiculous.
NTA. You were asked and you answered honestly. I understand your concerns. Are the investments the monies they will need to use if either your mother or father require long term care? Does your dad expect you to accept a diminishing asset (investments) in exchange for an appreciating asset (land)?
dad asked, you answered. ultimately it is your parents’ estate so they can do whatever they want, but they can’t get upset at your opinions when they literally ask for them lol. hoping this works out for you 👍
NAH
If course you want an equal share but sounds to me like your father doesn’t want the land to be split and sold (what you seem to want to do) and rather keep the land in the family. So he is trying to give you something else without sentimental value to him.
Your dad should leave everything to your mother and then she decides. That’s what happens usually. Your mother’s will should have everything to your dad.
There is another way to look at this. There is a distinct possibility that he may pass before your mother. I assume she still will retain ownership until she passes. When your father is no longer around your mother can change the will. Maybe? I’m no lawyer.
INFO: To me, it sort of depends. In my family, there is a family farm. It has gone father to son since the original land grant, which was a gift from the government for service in the revolution. Someone in my family has lived, toiled, bled, and eventually died on that property since before 1800. My grandfather did not want to farm, nor did 2 of his 3 brothers. His sisters were all married, but none of them/their husbands were willing to take on the farm. The youngest brother had a good job and was able to work out a lease with neighboring farms that they would use the land for produce/livestock and the house/vegetable gardens next to it would simply be maintained. So, he inherited the farm, and the other siblings inherited the money that was left. All the responsibility of the farm went to the 1 sibling. When he retired, he moved there and managed the farm while living in the house. I love to visit the farm. If I won the lotto, I would like to buy a piece pof it to have a hobby farm, I can’t imagine the full responsibility of the whole thing. My great uncle has 1 son who wants to assume the responsibility. The other child will get what money/non land assets are left behind.
To me and the rest of my family, this works because we are all sentimental about the farm and want it to stay in tact. Because it has one owner and isn’t divided up, it stays in tact. For generations, it was about the eldest son usually, but at my grandfathers, it became who would take the responsibility. If one of my grandfather’s sisters and her spouse had been willing to live on it and take it over sooner than the youngest did, they would have received all the land. The uncle that now owns it only has boys and only has 1 who wants the whole thing. So, no brainer. No one wants it sold, so the value is irrelevant. it’s about keeping it all together and maintaining it.
If, your family has a multigenerational family farm and the goal is to keep it in tact as a working farm or lumber production, or whatever the land is doing and your brother wants the responsibility, while you receive liquid monetary assets, yeah y t a. However, if the plan is that it will all be sold and he gets a substantial value from the land vs. you getting a lesser investment payout, N T A
NTA. They asked and your answered. Whatever they decide, you will have to honor their wishes via their will.
However, you could try explaining to your dad this way: split everything 50/50 and if your brother wants to buy your share of land from you then he can do so with the investments/money from his share. Land value and investment values change, keeping it 50/50 keeps it split evenly regardless of current valuations.
If your parents aren’t dead, it seems odd to argue over their will. They can do what they wish. I’m guessing the father wants to pass the land to his son.
NTA. Please clarify the brothers child issue? If OPs brother dies before the parents then everything goes to OP, nephew gets zip? Is that her stance?
Not at all!!
NTA. 50-50 seems right and is likely what a court would do if I had to go to a court. Maybe advise that if your brother wants the land so badly, he can buy it from you.