I (29f) recently found out that I’m pregnant with my second child who is due in April. I have a 3 year old son as well. My mother (59f) has been really excited about it. She insists that after the baby is born we need to do an updated Grandchildren picture to hang up in her living room. She does this whenever there is a new baby in the family. For context she considers her boyfriend’s (50m) children and grandchildren her step kids/grandchildren even though they aren’t married. I do too. I have 2 step sisters and 5 step nieces and nephews. As well as a biological brother and Niece. I told my mother, I of course would be fine with that however we won’t be doing individual pictures of each grandchild with my baby. She got upset because she had wanted to do that too. I explained that it’s because of one of the step grandchildren, we’ll call her A. When my son was 10 months old my mom wanted to take a picture of my son with A who was 6 at the time. It was at a baby shower for my cousin. I didn’t have a problem with A at this point so I allowed it however as soon as my mom stepped back to take the picture A smiled and let go of my son. He fell and hit the hard floor and he started crying. This caused A to smile harder. I was very unset by this situation but everyone around us keeps claiming that it was an accident and that she’s only 6 so I shouldn’t make a big deal about it. I tried to forgive her and let it go but something about that smile still makes me nervous to this day. There are other incidences where they would be in the same room playing and A would “accidentally” throw a toy at my son or she would “accidentally” step on his hand when walking by him. I usually don’t let him out of my sight when she’s around but if I take my eyes off of him for even a second then there’s usually an “accident”. I explained all this to my mom and she says that I’m overthinking things and that A is 9 now and will be better at holding a baby. I put my foot down and said that “if she wants a picture with any of the other kids then that’s fine but under no circumstances will the little psychopath be holding my baby.” My mom said that I was way out of line for “bullying a child”. I responded that she’s okay with it when it’s A bullying my son.
So AITA for not letting my mom take a picture of A with my baby.
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I (29f) recently found out that I’m pregnant with my second child who is due in April. I have a 3 year old son as well. My mother (59f) has been really excited about it. She insists that after the baby is born we need to do an updated Grandchildren picture to hang up in her living room. She does this whenever there is a new baby in the family. For context she considers her boyfriend’s (50m) children and grandchildren her step kids/grandchildren even though they aren’t married. I do too. I have 2 step sisters and 5 step nieces and nephews. As well as a biological brother and Niece. I told my mother, I of course would be fine with that however we won’t be doing individual pictures of each grandchild with my baby. She got upset because she had wanted to do that too. I explained that it’s because of one of the step grandchildren, we’ll call her A. When my son was 10 months old my mom wanted to take a picture of my son with A who was 6 at the time. It was at a baby shower for my cousin. I didn’t have a problem with A at this point so I allowed it however as soon as my mom stepped back to take the picture A smiled and let go of my son. He fell and hit the hard floor and he started crying. This caused A to smile harder. I was very unset by this situation but everyone around us keeps claiming that it was an accident and that she’s only 6 so I shouldn’t make a big deal about it. I tried to forgive her and let it go but something about that smile still makes me nervous to this day. There are other incidences where they would be in the same room playing and A would “accidentally” throw a toy at my son or she would “accidentally” step on his hand when walking by him. I usually don’t let him out of my sight when she’s around but if I take my eyes off of him for even a second then there’s usually an “accident”. I explained all this to my mom and she says that I’m overthinking things and that A is 9 now and will be better at holding a baby. I put my foot down and said that “if she wants a picture with any of the other kids then that’s fine but under no circumstances will the little psychopath be holding my baby.” My mom said that I was way out of line for “bullying a child”. I responded that she’s okay with it when it’s A bullying my son.
So AITA for not letting my mom take a picture of A with my baby.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I called my niece a little psychopath and refused to let her hold my baby when he/she is born
2. Because I was apparently bullying a child.
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NTA trust your momma instincts
NTA
Stand your ground. That’s also asking for your baby to get a cold, or worse.
Nah. FTK. Protect yours.
NTA that’s alarming there’s been that many incidents where she’s harmed your child. Have you spoken to A’s parents about it?
NTA
The denial is strong with that one.
With kids that age behaviour like that can sometimes be fixed (didn’t want to use that word, can’t think of another) but allowing it to go unchecked is dangerous.
She seems to pick on the youngest. Is this a jealousy thing? Because if yes her behaviour is only going to be worse with the new arrival
NTA. There is no good reason the little psycho has to be holding your baby in this picture.
Honestly, your mom is minimizing this way too much. Kids can make mistakes, but a pattern of accidents that always hurt your child is a huge red flag. You have every right to set boundaries, especially with a newborn. I wouldn’t let A hold the baby either. A 9-year-old who intentionally smiles at another child’s pain isn’t just “being a kid.” It’s concerning behavior and you’re wise to trust your instincts
NTA. If it was one incident, that could be pardoned. This is a pattern.
If you wanted to choose peace. You can say you don’t want any children holding your baby.
NTA. Your niece might still be a small kid, But even at that age most of them know that hurting a other child is wrong. Follow your gut and don’t let her near your baby.
NTA. The truth hurts.
Hard no, NTA. That kid is exhibiting dangerous behavior and your job is to protect yours.
NTA for protecting your baby from any situation that makes you feel even mildly uncomfortable about your child’s safety. It’s not even necessarily personal, it’s just you looking out for your baby.
Might be a tad overboard calling a nine year old a psychopath though. Don’t water down your conviction by sullying it with anger and insults toward a child. Just hold your position on the grounds that if you’re not confident something is safe for your child, that’s the end of the discussion.
NTA. If you don’t want someone to hold your baby, they don’t hold your baby. That’s up to you as the mother, not anyone else; letting kids hold young babies is already risky because of germs and clumsy hands, but especially when that child has a pattern of nasty behaviour!
Protect your babies. And great job standing up to your mom! That can be so hard to do!
NTA
NTA. You have a right to set (very logical) boundaries.
NTA. Six is more than old enough to understand that you can’t let go of a baby you’re holding, and old enough to know that if you hurt someone, even by accident, you apologize. Then there’s the pattern of “accidents.” No way.
And you weren’t bullying a child. You were explaining to another adult why you will not let a child who has previously dropped and hurt your other small child hold a newborn. She dismissed your concerns and you said something mean about that child–but you didn’t say it to her or in her presence.
NTA. I’ve seen that movie “The Good Son” too many times I guess.
NTA. Hold those boundaries. You have no reason to trust that child.
NTA. Your babies, your boundaries, no one else’s opinions matter here.
Also, she totally does sound like a little psychopath…
NTA. Kid’s fucking psycho, don’t doubt yourself.
I think you’re right to stand your ground on this. It sounds like your niece might have some issues. It’s certainly not safe for her to hold a baby. She has already demonstrated what she is capable of. I would never trust her again either.
NTA. That child is a danger to other children. That’s a horrible thing to have to say, but it’s true!
NTA. It is unlikely but possible that you’re wrong but keeping your children away will do your niece no harm.
If your mother has any more to say on the matter then let her know she has already said quite enough.
It is unlikely, but you could observe your niece a little more. She may be acting up to get more attention from you in particular.
NTA. Photos are optional, and you are under no obligation to let them hold your kid. Your instincts might be wrong, but if they are right, the harm can be real.
Nta.
Your mom can pound sand. The fact she doesn’t support you in this is wild.
INFO: this kind of sounds like classic kid jealousy, especially around a new baby taking up lots of the adults’ attention. Has anyone ever tried to talk to A about her feelings?
I don’t think it’s fair to label A as a “bad kid” or “little psychopath.” But I also don’t think A should be allowed to hold the little ones until her feelings are addressed by a trusted adult. When family dynamics change it can be very confusing for children.
Your child your rules! You are wise to be careful with this one!
NTA. She sounds like a budding sociopath. Hurting others, especially a baby, is not OK. Even a 6 year old knows this. And to smile instead of become upset and/or cry? She’s not a safe child to be around. Further, put your foot down and say if she’s around you and your family will not. No pictures with her again, ever. No play dates, nothing. Your mom can be upset, but you are protecting your children. Don’t budge.
NTA, your baby your boundaries.
Do they have pets at A’s house? The grandma might be blind to this but if there are small pets at the house A lives, her parents might be aware of these concerns and be open to an objective discussion.
However if you are the only one who sees these things, whether you’re right or wrong, you won’t be convincing anyone. They have to see this themselves, psychopathy is way too out there for a third party to convince anyone of it especially parents.
And if they don’t see it, don’t double down in trying to convince them. They’ll only get defensive about it and look for counter proof instead of considering you might be right.
NTA. That’s your job, protecting your children. Your mother is not seeing reality because she doesn’t want to start a problem with her boyfriend and his family. She is falling down on her job as a grandmother, which is protecting the children.
NTA. Of course. Protect your children.
NTA
NTA, kids are weird, but speaking as someone diagnosed with ASPD, only people in our realm of personality disorders tend to give people smiles they find creepy. My roommate once told me to stop looking her in the eye when we talk because it makes her feel like she’s being hunted. I’m also not allowed to ask her wife about her job as an EMT because I get “way too excited to hear about a kid being hit by a car”.
NTA. Your priority is the health and safety of your child, not a step grandchild’s feelings. Further, imparting your feelings about A to your mom is not bullying A.
NTA – y’all need to check on the neighbours pets and check under the bed for “science experiments”
NTA, absolutely not the asshole. Note: you still aren’t the asshole if you tell your mom that if she goes behind your back, you will cut her out of her grandchild’s life as well. And that you will get CPS involved for her willingly and deliberately endangering your child.
Ok, so what your accusing this child of is very serious. If she is indeed a individual that has antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) then this is very serious and the child needs help because if caught young there are medical professionals that can help her.
So INFO you mentioned that the first incident happened when she was six. Whether or not there is a significant pattern really depends on when these “incidents” happened and how far apart they are, how frequently she’s around her cousin and if they happen with other children. For example. My nephew has bitten my son, given him a blackeye, thrown things at my son, once shattering a picture frame (he is 18 months younger then my son). Now if I type that all out. It could look really bad. But let me break down two of those “incidents.”
The blackeye, was given when my nephew was six and my son was almost eight.
The bite happened when my son was eight, almost nine and my nephew was seven.
Do see you the reason context matters? These boys see each other often but these “incidents” are spaced out. Now you don’t obviously have to have anyone hold your newborn that makes you uncomfortable whether your being paranoid or if there is something wrong with the little girl. Newborns are fragile and your comfort when it comes to your child is important but you are making a VERY SERIOUS accusation in regards to this little girl and if she does have ASPD it needs to be reported.
If she does not then you need to take a deep breath and consider what your accusing her of. Smiling by the way after doing something like dropping a baby may be a sign of anxiety like people laughing while nervous. Its actually not as abnormal as you think. There are tons of medical conditions connected to it that aren’t ASPD. Heck it could be a sign she’s on the spectrum as well. It could be a number of things but calling a child a “psycho” and believing she has ASPD. That’s not a light accusation.
NTA and keep protecting your children.
NTA. This was not an isolated incident or innocent accident. There are many examples. The kid has a problem. You have valid concerns and it’s your baby. I wouldn’t let her near any of my kids alone.
NTA
Yet, labeling the kid a psychopath is not ideal. She might be (or become one), but it is also quite possible that it is far more fixable issues at play here. And by assuming the worst, it makes her parents less likely to seek help.
NTA. Gotta keep your guard up fulltime when A is around. Don’t let your mom walk away with the baby if A is in the area. It’s sad your mom is so quick to accept all these “accidents” are truly accidental. A makes it a point to hurt your son and she’ll do the same to the next one.
Was the girl the youngest grandchild when your son was born?
No. I’d feel the same way.
YTA for the accusation towards a child. It’s perfectly fine to not allow her around your child, but calling her a psycho is asshole behavior.
NTA. Follow your instincts, Mama Bear. Protecting the cubs is Job 1. Accident or purposeful, it’s more than enough reason to keep Niece away from your little ones.
Is A a psychopath, or just so incredibly fumble-fingered that she can’t interact with your son without hurting him, as your mom claims?
it actually doesn’t matter because in both situations A cannot be trusted with a baby.
In other words, even if we accept your mom’s story completely and uncritically, A can’t hold the baby.
Thanks for agreeing, Mom!
You’re NTA for this, although … why do you even allow A around your son at all? Why subject him to abuse? You’re a kind of an asshole for not refusing to keep him safe. Do better with him.
NTA
Trust what you’re seeing and protect your babies
Mom can deny it all she wants, but it won’t be real for her until something terrible happens, and that will be at the expense of your kids. It’s not worth it.
I would outright ask that child why she keeps on trying to hurt your son? She thinks she’s getting away with it and you need to make clear to her you see what she is doing.
Y t a for calling her a little psychopath… but NTA but having a boundary about your own baby being held.
In some states all adults are mandatory reporters. See if yours is one. This kid needs some intervention.
NTA
Not even a little. Your children’s safety comes first. The small things she’s “accidentally” done add up. I wouldn’t trust her. Not one bit.
Follow your instincts. That is not normal behavior for a child.
NTA. Your baby cannot advocate for themselves, so it is your responsibility to step in and be proactive just as you have done. Not to mention, you can easily have nice photos of the entire family that don’t involve this troubled child holding your defenseless baby.
NTA. Trust your guts and the many, quite unsettling, facts that you noticed and listed. She might just be jealous for some reason, but the sad truth is that children, no matter how young, can and will be little AH.
NTA
And perfect response to your mom that A’s bullying seems to be just fine by her
NTA. You’re picking up these vibes from this kid for a reason. I would also be deeply unsettled. Some kids are just bad, there’s no two ways about it. Your mother may not want to admit it, but at the end of the day, you need to protect your own kids. Trust your gut.
NTA. I was 6 years old when one of my cousins was born, and I took that shit seriously when I was allowed to hold him. There’s something wrong with that kid, something that needs to be nipped in the bud NOW before she graduates to something worse (next step might be killing small animals/pets). You’re doing the right thing to protect your children.
NTA
Have a look at this recent news story. You’re right to be careful.
https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/crime/france-baby-killed-boy-hospital-lille-b2790118.html
NTA. You are right to keep your children away from a psychopathic child.
NTA – That is your child, you are the one who has the day who has contact with your child, it is also your job to protect your child, and if protecting your child comes at the expense of a nine year olds feelings who also happens to have ‘accidents’ with your other children, even if you are overreacting in some weird world, its better safe than sorry.
No. That reminds me of my ex step kid, although she was much older. I’m still married, but the kid is gone and won’t ever meet the baby I’m pregnant with. Some kids are truly just psychotic or dangerous and you need to trust your gut. When I was younger (maybe about 10 and in fourth grade ) I was very careful with babies and had been taking care of my younger sister since I was much younger than six so I knew how to hold babies and was always very gentle but when my grandpa married a much younger woman she wouldn’t let me hold the baby. It made me mad because I was trustworthy and cautious and it was stupid, but it was her kid even though she had no good reason to make this rule. You do have a good reason and your mom is ignoring a dangerous situation.
NTA. Protect your children. Maybe the girl is jealous. But whatever the case don’t let her hold your baby.
NTA. But in my family, the older child(ren) gets wedged into a chair/couch and the little one gets added in for the picture. Adults just out of frame on both sides. Picture gets taken, little one removed, and the older go off on their way.
You aren’t bullying anyone. You didn’t call the child a psychopath to her face. And you aren’t wrong for protecting your children. NTA
NTA
I would not allow her around my children, ever!
Nta but also look into not even having them around your children. The dropping the child then smiling is like serial killer pre disposing behavior.
Have you considered banning them from the house?
NTA You are not bullying a child. That child has issues and you are right to protect your child, regardless of whether your mother likes it or not. Let A drop someone else’s child on the floor and see how that child’s parents react. Your mother has blinders on and sacrificing your child for a picture is just not going to happen. Your mother needs to learn how to deal with not getting her way.
NTA protecting you baby comes way before a stupid photo
This story has been posted before.
Serial k****r in the making, sounds like a JD Robb (eve Dallas character) I had read, the child was 10. Yeah that was fiction, but ya know how close fiction can relate to real life.
So HELL no!! NAH
You are not bullying a child. You are protecting a baby from a child who is not safe. That is your job as a mother.
NTA
NTA. Trust your own judgement. Your mother is willing to put your baby in harm’s way to satisfy her own selfish reasons.
NTA as long as all the “little psychopath” talk is nowhere near that child.
You’ll find Children often meet expectations, and if you are treating her like an abusive psycho, she will prove you right.
That said, there’s enough smoke to hold your ground and not let your child alone with a person displaying risks such as this.
Just don’t become an influence that ensures she becomes what you suspect she is
NTA! A has issues.
NTA it is your job to protect your children, even from family members. Hold the line here.
NTA and I wouldn’t trust your mother anymore either.
It sounds like only you and your mom were around for this conversation?
NTA for not wanting her to hold your baby, and no judgment from me on your phrasing unless any of the kids could hear you.
I do think it would be inappropriate/TA behavior to tell either the child in question or any of the other kids in the family that she is a “psychopath” or otherwise be disparaging about her. Whether it ends up being true or not (she’s far too young to diagnose now regardless) it will only make anything she might be struggling with worse.
NTA because I understand where you’re coming from; it does sound like A can’t be trusted with the younger kinds based off what you said but also, has anyone in the family addressed this with her?
Maybe someone needs to sit down with her parents and have a discussion with them on how to address it and get her a professional that cool asses what’s going on. I don’t think she can get diagnosed at that age but it would be good to keep an eye on it