My first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/ET8Lo4nrvz
Hi, and thanks a lot for all the comments and verdicts in my first post, far more than I had anticipated, enough that my husband came across it too. First, I do want to clarify that my husband never said I was an AH, he said he agreed with the facts, that our daughter’s name had had nothing to do with MIL, just the timing of it. But like a lot of the comments had said, perhaps setting the record clear in the moment had been the right thing to do.
My MIL had been bringing up the encounter to him in passing repeatedly since then, and she was also emphasizing the way and place and time that I corrected her, she was not claiming to have recommended the name any longer.
Yesterday, because my husband was having to deal with the bitterness of the situation, I had a call with my MIL. She said she was in shock at the way I had gone about it, that its not what she’d expected of me, how fond she was of my daughter, and that decisions like these are family decisions in spirit, doesn’t matter the origin of the thought. I said I understand and deeply regretted the unpleasantness but it was a name close to my heart since I was young and had read the books so that’s why this was different to me than any other decision, like the choice of stroller for instance. My MIL brought up that I had sent her a link of how it was a very popular name back when I had told her about it the first time. I said that yes but I’d done that after the fact, just to show it wasn’t a completely out there name, and that I didn’t even know what the result of the popularity of the name would be when I’d searched for it, but this name was from my heart. She said she understands and again reiterated how much she loves our daughter and I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it.
I think I’ve handled the situation well. My husband too seems content after my call. A sincere thank you everyone who took the time out for my issue.
Comments
Original post here
Still kind of feels like you and your husband are underreacting, but as long as you’re content with how things are working out, that’s all that really matters.
> She was in shock at the way I had gone about it, that’s not what she expected of me….
She’s chastising YOU because you didn’t just swallow your food and let her lie and boast and exaggerate her own importance as she fully expected you to
Yeah…total narcissist
It is good you stood up for yourself and that you reached out to ensure future good relationship with MIL. She will probably think twice before spinning tales in the future knowing you will fact check her in real time.
“in spirit”. Petty ass me would’ve waited until every single time MIL gets compliments for something she did and I would’ve been like “thanks, we all as a family decided in spirit.”
But didn’t you have to convince her of the name? To then go on and say she recommended it isn’t just “making a decision as a family” even in spirit, that’s just a straight-up fabrication. She can go around telling people she “approved” the name if she wants, but even that would rankle me, because decisions like a child’s names are not “family decisions in spirit” to begin with– they’re the parents’ decisions.
I’m glad you’re okay with how things panned out and I hope this is a one-off. But I’d be on the watch for my in-law (a) in case of further revisionism streaks; and (b) in case she decides other decisions that should be mine and my partners suddenly become “””family decisions””” in spirit or otherwise.
Do not let her wiggle her way into having veto power over your decisions as a couple or as parents.
Fact checking a pushy MIL in real time for the win. She is a right lively one isn’t she?
BTW OP, did anyone in MILs family help name your SO or your SIL?
edit, NTA
>and that decisions like these are family decisions in spirit, doesn’t matter the origin of the thought.
What does this mean?
Well, at least you’re on good terms now. I didn’t see an apology from her side, but you’ve convinced her to get over it so hopefully that’s the end of it.
DARVO and the victim just accepted responsibility then apologized.
I would just keep asking her why she lied and not let her act like the victim
This update doesn’t help your MIL.
No, names aren’t a family decision in spirit or anything else. They are between the parents unless they decide to include others.
Even here, your MIL is trying to take some credit.
She’s the one in the wrong and has managed to make you feel about how you handled it. Think about that.
Info: do you have other issues with your MIL ?
I totally get why what MIL did rubbed you the wrong way. It’s like when someone at work takes credit for your idea.
You did the right thing by calling her out right then. Same with apologies…if someone embarrasses you in front of a group, they need to own up in front of that same group. Saying “sorry” privately doesn’t really cut it.
Glad you got it worked out. Your daughter sounds precious.
Hopefully your husband develops a spine after reading these comments, because ouch.
Also, NTA
Your MIL sounds absolutely exhausting… if this is her biggest problem in life, then she is a lucky woman.
Glad it worked out. Ignore her bs explanation. You know what would have happened if you didn’t call her out. I bet she would have eventually told your daughter that she was the one who came up with her name. Screw that.
Family decision in spirit? So the entire family had “involvement by proxy” of naming your daughter? Does that include aunts and uncles? Third cousins? Fourth cousins? Father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate? Your family?
Your MIL is an ah for trying to take credit
, then gaslighting you into an apology, and making you think naming a child is a group effort in spirit when there was in reality NO GROUP.
Your husband is an AH for saying you were in the wrong for putting his mother in her place for lying, then not telling his mother to touch grass when she bitched about it.
You are an AH to yourself for accepting this and apologizing. You are an AH to your daughter if you allow her to be raised thinking this shit is healthy or acceptable.
Let’s hope this was a one off for MIL overstepping the line and she will stick to the truth now.
Your daughter is loved, and as long as you are all happy to draw a line under this and move on then so be it.