This is probably going to sound like the opposite of a problem to some people but it’s making me feel really uncomfortable and I’m not sure what to do.
I (36F) have been dating a guy (37M) (let’s call him James) for just over a month. Everything has been going really well, we have loads in common and he’s really easy to talk to. He compliments me a lot, asks me questions and seems genuinely interested in listening to my answers. Most of the men I’ve dated in the past have been the type to play it cool and not seem that interested in me or my opinions. My longest relationship (7 years) seemed fairly indifferent to me, but at the time that seemed good to me because my first serious boyfriend was abusive and anyone not abusive was amazing to me at the time.
James is also a gift giver. He bought me flowers on our first date, my name is a flower name and the flower I’m named after was the main one in the bouquet. We’re both nerdy and play magic the gathering. I mentioned that I collect foil lands. On our next date he gave me a set of foil lands (would have cost less than £5). After I told him about my obsession with anything raspberry flavoured he sent me a box of raspberry cupcakes. So far those just seemed to be really thoughtful little gifts, but I was already feeling a bit uncomfortable because I’m not used to being given gifts or having men be this nice to me.
On our last date when we were walking back to his car and I saw a really pretty necklace in a store front. I half turned around to look at it. He stopped and asked me which one I liked. I pointed it out, he said it was really nice and then we walked on. I didn’t think much of it.
Yesterday morning the necklace arrived in the post with a card from him. This necklace was £950! I’ve texted him to thank him, because it was incredibly generous, but it’s been playing on my mind ever since. He owns his own business, so I think he can afford it, but it still seems like a ridiculous amount of money to randomly spend on someone you’ve been dating for about a month. We’ve been on 6 dates, we’re not officially exclusive yet, it still feels like early stages of dating to me. I wouldn’t expect him to spend that much on my birthday, let alone a random gift.
I’m worried he thought I was telling him to buy it for me by stopping to look at it. I wasn’t, I’m just easily distracted and it caught my eye. I’m also worried it might be love bombing, is this too much too soon?
We’re going out again on Tuesday and I’m not sure if I should bring it up with him. Does this sound like love bombing?
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IT MAY BE NOTHING, and I don’t want to jump to crazy conclusions. But regardless, you need to be mindful. Usually, it’s a red flag when people try to buy expensive, over the top gifts for you so early. It’s a way for the person to love bomb you and lure you in fast and to make you feel guilty about potentially leaving one day.
I would have a conversation with him about gift expectations and boundaries when giving gifts. Open communication is very important. If his response is dismissive or out of proportion it could be a red flag. I would feel like he’s love bombing me if he flipped out about me setting some boundaries.
Lucky you!
Are there any red flags other than this?
As a person who is used to getting compliments & presents during dating this would be normal for me. Sometimes people treat you well. Enjoy it!
(Make sure these gifts have no strings attached & he has no expectations of behavior based on the gift giving)
It may not be that expensive to him. Let it play out a bit and enjoy the necklace!
I think you are a very smart woman. I would give it back with a little kiss, and a smile. Put yourself on a pedestal, and see what happens.
Hmmm tricky one, while obviously we all love gifts etc that is a pricey one for someone you have just met but then maybe his love language is giving.
I would personally just in a light hearted way say it was super thoughtful and generous of you but that is a lot to spend on someone you just met…then if he doesn’t offer up any explanation as to why…just follow with you are extremely grateful for it though but it really just isn’t something I was expecting or am used to at all so caught you off guard
It sounds to me like love bombing, usually it’s not a good sign.
Trust your intuition.
Have a chat with him about the gifts and ask him to hold back on such expensive gifts.
Be honest with him. Tell him you love the necklace, it’s beautiful, etc but you cannot accept it as it is far too expensive.
Keep it simple. Keep it honest.
The old-fashioned rule was that people who don’t know each other well don’t accept over the top gifts or amusements or vacations from their new Beau. It makes it seem like your favors can be purchased. It makes it look like you will owe him for being so profligate with his gifts. Would you feel free to stop dating him, since he’s bought you such an expensive gift?
He either has no problem affording it or has some crazy credit card debt 😅