I (M32) found out today that my wife (F28) cheated on me.
Yesterday we spent a bunch of time together, talking and relaxing together. At some point we were going over what we’re happy with in our marriage and I mentioned that “I love that we can fully trust each other and be honest with each other”. I meant it yesterday when I said it.
I guess that got to her, because today this morning, she sits me down to tell me basically that a year ago, she had sex with a guy while she was drunk, when she was travelling abroad. It was a one-off thing and apparently meant nothing and she tried to forget about it but wanted to be honest with me.
I asked her if it ever happened again or something and she said no, which I believe because actually, if she hadn’t told me, there’s no way I would have ever found out as long as I live. I had no suspicion of anything whatsoever and up to this point had complete trust in her.
So I was pretty blindsided. Anyways now I am thinking well, somehow I CAN trust her because she volunteered that information without needing to, but on the other hand it’s so fucked actually to cheat and then lie for a year to me.
I’m really torn on what to do. I have basically ruled out divorce as I think we have too strong of a connection, we run a business together and I think I can somehow get past it.
But at the same time how do I move forward in a way that this doesn’t ever happen again?
She is super sensitive and has been trying not to cry all day long, and I’m trying not to be too harsh because I want her to feel somehow safe being honest with me. On the other hand I’m really hurt and honestly don’t know what to do beyond just “move on” because what even is there to do?
Anyways, I’m just curious if anyone else has been in this situation, and has it ever improved from there? Has anyone been able to successfully recover a marriage after this? I don’t want to think that it could be a lost cause (we’ve only been together for 4 years) but at the same time I wonder how much it’s even possible to recover after that.
Please reddit, if you’ve been through similar id love to know how you resolved it, what was the outcome, if you were able to recover things, and if you have any advice for my situation.
Thanks in advance
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Do you have kids?
You don’t forgive the lies. She lied for 365 days. 365 lies. Not one.
You’ll never really get over this. She didn’t volunteer this because of the goodness in her heart. She felt you’d find out, or maybe suspected, and wanted to get ahead of. Remember, for over a year she was content in keeping you in the dark. This will always be in the back of your mind.
I’m not saying you should leave, but you’re not being honest with yourself about the situation. You want to downplay this so you don’t have to face what it actually means. I don’t believe she’s being completely honest either.
Therapy is a good place to start
Above Reddit pay grade. Yes, you both need a therapist or three. Sorry if this is down voted, but internet randos are not going to cast a spell and fix it.
Honestly I’d be more worried if you found out on your own. She confessed because it ate at her. I don’t personally know you guys to really make a judgement but it seems like she’d be more likely to do it again if she didn’t feel guilty and didn’t confess. It’s not a local guy. There isn’t competition. You have her and nobody else does. I hope it’s not bad advice but I’d say forgive her and continue loving her. Her guilt and tears should be all you need to know she’s genuinely sorry and unlikely to do it again.
I think honest people deserve second chances but lying for a whole year is insane. She’s only confessing now because the guilt is destroying her. She’s doing this for herself not for you.
Eh you should look into what trickle truthing is.
It’s just as likely that she’s still lying to you as it is that she’s told you the whole truth. Essentially she may confess she has cheated on you, but only admit to the one time that you’re most likely to forgive her for, in reality though the women who has cheated once has done many many things that would upset you. It alleviates her guilt while ensuring that she isn’t blowing up her life.
It’s very common and nearly all of us do it.
What advice do you need if you’ve already decided to stay? Almost everyone here will say you’re making a mistake.
And btw staying and being so nonchalant about it, ur already disrespecting yourself.
Friend ..sorry you are here asking this, but it is good you are. You are likely still in shock and the journey is just beginning. Your mind and heart will try to start putting all the pieces together and it will bring questions to your mind (unless you are an Avoidant person).
I highly recommend that you go to this person’s YouTube channel and start pouring through the content. He is an expert.
https://youtube.com/@drjakeporter?si=YsCEhfxkJqKHw4Or
Also…..get the book….”How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair’ by Linda MacDonald and both read it.
You can get some anonymous group support from very experienced people at the following sites. I highly recommend this….I needed it and it helped.
https://www.affairrecovery.com/
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/
Make sure to join the discussion forums on both sites.
Do not “Rug Sweep”…..to truly heal….you have to go through this and it will take a great deal of work.
No….right now you CANNOT TRUST her. She crossed TONS of lines to sleep with another man. And really …you have no clue if there is more right now. She may have just told you the “tip” to assuage her screaming conscious. But she may not have told you nearly all the truth.
You can get through this. There will be tons of ups and downs. There are many ready to help.
Finally, what helped me survive was seeking God like never before. He was faithful. 🙏
Edit: Definatly get therapy….but definatly NOT a normal marriage therapist or counselor….they often do way more harm than good. You will need a therapist who specializes in Betryal Trauma. Make sure of this.
Updateme
It’s definitely possible to go back to a healthy situation.
But she needs to stop minimize what she did. It wasn’t just a one-off she’s trying to forget and is now kinda offloading onto you. There’s a significant behavioral problem with how she dealt with that situation she needs to own up to and fix.
That means digging up the past, understand how the situation occurred, understand what are the steps she needs to take to fix the problem. And act on it. That might mean quitting alcohol, not allowing flirty contacts, etc. A range of actions she can take that would make sure this never happens ever again.
The thing is, if she just wants to forget the whole thing and act as if nothing has happened. She also didn’t learn anything from it and you have nothing to work with that would make you believe it’ll never happen again.
She needs to show commitment, and take actions to fix her problem so she can grow trust again.
If she offers up one of her hot friends to bang, then you’re even and can move forward.
She cheated and lied because the guilt became too much. She would have kept the secret if you hadn’t of rattled her. She will possibly cheat again and you need to ask yourself if you are willing to take that chance. Personally she would be out the door if it was me. Every time I looked at her I would think of what she did. As to it meaning nothing so fucking what! That just makes it easier the next time.
I think you both could use a therapist to talk openly about your feelings and the best way to move forward together. I think you can save it if you get a therapist involved and you’re able to talk openly about your feelings. I hope this helps.
You can’t move forward in a way where this may never happen again, not in your mind anyway, because you weren’t responsible for it happening the first time and won’t be the second, third or fourth time. I mean it is the same person, she is just feeling a little guilty at the moment, but trust me cheaters get over that feeling pretty quickly, and if you try to be business as usual then you have taut the cheater that there are no consequences for cheating. With that in mind if the situation presents itself again, why on earth wouldn’t she cheat again. Now your wife might be different, but do you want to sign up for a lifetime of living with the doubts around her past and potentially future cheating, I mean seriously she fessed up that she is capable of cheating and lying for a year, I don’t really understand how you think you can trust her completely going forward. Anyway mate I have rumbled on a bit here, I’m sorry you are having to deal with this and wish you well in the future.
So, how long will you withstand the selfishness?
She acted selfishly by sleeping with a random dude, she a fed selfishly by covering it for a year, then when she couldn’t “carry the burden anymore” she decides to tell you to ease her conscience. Not a single thing she has done has been with your wellness in mind. Is that a pattern or is this a series of selfish actions that aren’t common to her?
Trsut will be very hard to rebuild because she acted so well you didn’t suspect a thing, so you don’t really know her lying cues. She’s the one that has to work to get that trust back, will she be willing to put in the work?
Everyone is different but in my opinion, cheating is a HUGE betrayal and is the most heinous form of disrespect. There are two immediate self-destruct situations in my marriage: cheating and physical abuse. Those are “no second chance” situations, once is one too many times.
Yea dude, idk why you’re catering to her feelings right now. That says a lot about how much you value yourself. Friends/family you can stay with? That’d be my first move, take a LOT of space to think about the entire thing. I’d block her temporarily too tbh. Her emotions and guilt are her problem rn
Hmmm. This is a tough one. Probably go to therapy. If she is the breadwinner, have her buy me something super nice since you don’t have kids. I think a lot will be uncovered in therapy to help you guys. That will also give you the “safe space” to say how disappointed you are in her and that you love her, but the hurt will take time. I think your approach is solid. I believe an itch needs to be scratched, and therapy can uncover it and improve the relationship. You guys are young. Communicate even more because it’s not enough. We men don’t communicate enough in general with our spouses. Ultimately, this makes you guys closer if you communicate, and your personality type seems “anti-crash out,” so you won’t be decimated while hurt. Good luck!
From experience, I can tell you relationships can survive way more than just ‘she got drunk abroad and accidentally slept with some guy.’ Not only survive, but actually flourish and get stronger over time. And the best part? Zero therapy bills involved.
It really takes both of you actually loving each other, being in love, talking openly, and pulling off the rare Olympic sport of forgiving without secretly keeping score.
Stupid of her to,confess! She should have taken it to the grave with her and spent the rest of her time with you making it up to you! All confession did was hurt you and relieve her conscience. Shame on her!
She’s not the one for you as much as you paint her to be. You were open and honest and vulnerable and she could have said something that moment but instead had to contemplate the whole day after to do the right thing. She wasted your time for over a year. Think about the totality of that before you think divorce is off the table
You already treated her like the victim and have to soddle her, with what you have already shown us, we know you ain’t leaving her, she has you under her foot. “I CAN trust her” oh, because she decided to tell you after a year and after you without knowing giilt tripped her into telling, yep, real trustworthy. She treated while she travelled, not even when the relationship was in a bad place, what about when stuff does get tough, seems almost certain she’ll cheat then, or what happens if she travels again, just going to get bored alone and want someone else? Can she ever be trusted to travel on her own? Id say she has forever changed the relationship in a negative way, for literally no reason at all, she betrayed you for no reason.
If it were me, it would be over. There is zero tolerance for me concerning cheating. The first time is the last. There are ZERO valid reasons to cheat.
At the end of the day, only you can really decide what is best for you, what you will tolerate and what you want to do.
I feel for you buddy. I hate to tell you that moving forward is going to be REALLY difficult and painful for you. Trust in your wife will most likely never fully return. Your sex life will be deeply affected. Your self respect and self image as a man will be deeply affected. And not just of the next few months – more like for the next few decades. You will regularly be triggered by something and snap back to feeling exactly like you are feeling now. It is natural that people rug sweep and want things to go back to normal asap. Betrayal like this just doesn’t allow it. It will bubble to the surface one way or the other. So at least you’ve been warned of what lies ahead. Very rough road ahead.
You’re the only one who can know if you can get past it. Take your time, be honest with yourself.
Definitely go for counseling if you want to work it out.
Get a divorce and work on yourself, find things you like to do(hobbies and such).
You thank her for her honesty and leave her without ever looking back.
You know I was gonna ask did she cheat when you were married or before ?
Like if that matters
She broke all trust , that pretty face doesn’t mean anything . With a heart like that
She cheated because what ? She was over seas , while you were at home ??
I wouldn’t even play the nice guy act , or care about her feelings . Now she wants to act super sensitive ?
Just because someone admits something doesn’t mean it’s okay .
Jeffrey dahmer admitted to how many people he killed , does it mean he can get away scotch free ?
updateme
Don’t rug sweep this.
It’s very fair to ask her for a separation while you work through and process this. If she cheats on you gain or goes on dates with other men while separated, you end it immediately.
Only you can decide if you can forgive. I could never. If she really respected you and loved you, she wouldn’t have even put herself in the position to be unfaithful.
Can you really trust her again? How does that look to you? What if she is not telling you the whole truth. You don’t have the connection you think you do, if you did she would not have cheated on you. Cheating is a conscious decision it is not an accident. Being drunk is not an excuse. I used to drink a lot and would go out with my friends but even drink I never cheated on anyone I was dating.
Dude, your life with her ended the moment she decided to screw someone else. And you. No amount of therapy will ever erase the unease and distrust or the disgust of what she did. No amount of forgiveness can make the feelings you have right now go away. No matter what, your feelings for her are forever changed. You can pretend if you want, but eventually you realize it’s all a show.
If it were me, and I ruled out divorce. I would ask her what he thoughts of me having a one sided open marriage until I get it out of my system? If no.
Then I would ask her what her thoughts are about me having sex with other women in front of her while she watches? If no, then
I would ask what her thoughts are on finding a unicorn for threesomes? If no.
Then I would say I don’t think this marriage is going to work anymore.
But I am me op, and you are not me.
I do not know if this helps. My husband and I are high school sweet hearts, we have had our struggles but have overcome so much. I messed up during a rough part of our relationship around 9 years together, never married. We have three kiddos by this point. My husband and I were in a very hard situation, living in two different cities and I honestly thought we were over. We had a brief split which I slept with someone else and have always felt like I cheated. After that I made him come home and started the process of communicating the issues and after a year I told him about my infidelity. It was so hard. The guilt crushed me everyday for years (and sometimes still does) I felt I deserved to be treated the way he was treating me which was never bad just distant and we both have our toxicity making things hard. Yet today we have been together for 16 1/2 years (married for 4) and our love has grown in ways we never imagined we would love each other. My husband said he could not imagine going threw life without me and honestly forgave me, he had to choose to love me. Someone’s mistake is just a part of what happened, it’s how they handle it afterwards and if they show true remorse. Cheating is honestly apart of life and forgiveness is soo important to live your life with someone. If you feel like she could do it again and it not impact her than move along, but if she shows in her everyday motions that she wants to be better, LET HER! Maybe ask if there was a reason, if something didn’t seem right during that time and see if she is holding something back that you both need to work on together to become a stronger couple. Allow time to heal and learn to love with the pain and it will work the way it is intended to work out.
Does she still drink? Did he wear a condom? Has she done an STD screening since?