I’m a 25f and I’m dating at 45 almost 46 years old man. We met at work and we started dating in March of 2023. He has a 8 year old son who was 5 when we started dating. It was cool at first because i didn’t really see him as a “stepkid” I decided to move in November of 2024. It was cool at first , we were doing just fine. His son stayed with us during weekdays and would spend weekends with his mother. But after almost a year I became really overwhelmed with his kid. Everything he did and still does annoyed me so much. I don’t even know why but everything he did was just so overwhelming to me and I tried getting over it but it just never seemed like I could get attached to him. I had to do mom things for a kid that wasn’t even mine and I was 23-24-25 helping raise a kid that isn’t mine and his dad always made it seem like it was my responsibility to do all of those things.
After a while , things just got bad. I didn’t want to go with them anywhere. No park, no restaurants, no kid places NO WHERE because i just wanted to be ALONE. Which started to cause problems between us and we had a lot of fights !!!! And the fights were always bad. And they would always start by random things.
Anyway , 3 weeks ago i decided to end the relationship and to move out. I got an apartment which was ready to move into 8/15. I found out i was pregnant 8/14, the day before moving out. FYI i still moved out!
I told him that I was pregnant and he seems excited and is making all this plans but i don’t know if i want this baby. I still love him because although we always fought, he still treated me right but i cant help but think that if he didnt have his kid, things would be better for us.
I am thinking about having an abortion and to just tell him that I had a miscarriage and move on with our lives. Go our separate ways.
Idk what to do.
And I know that the kid is innocent. It is not his fault that I am feeling this way. I don’t even know I feel this way. I just don’t feel attached to him. I feel like I like my dog more than I like this kid. IDK WHY
Comments
You’re not the asshole. It’s okay to choose what’s best for you and your life
NTA – you need to do whats best for you. This is YOUR choice.
Nta. Your choice. cut contact with him.
I’m hoping this story is fake, but if it isn’t, why were you with a man old enough to be your father? What did YOU see in him?
That’s what I would do. He’ll be just as bad a father with that one as he is with the current one, and foist care of it onto his next girlfriend.
Also, don’t get with men so much older than you. There’s a reason they aren’t with women their own age.
First of all, always make your partner use a condom if you don’t want children. Now you’re in the situation where you got an unwanted pregnancy. It’s not only your child. It’s also the child of your partner. He probably doesn’t want his child to die before it gets born. I would openly discuss this, and perhaps he will also be okay with an abortion
NTA. Your body, your choice. You were already planning to leave. You don’t feel ready to be a parent, especially when you’ve already felt overwhelmed to step into a step-parent role. Lying about a miscarriage is messy, but you’re not wrong for wanting to protect your peace and future.
Is this the second abortion you’ve had with this man? According to your history is not the first…
NTA. If he’s practically your ex and you’re already out the door he doesn’t get a say what you do with your body
Its your body. Do what is best for you. Don’t listen to any fundamentalist anti-abortion freaks.
Kiddo, no. He didn’t “treat you right”. He brought you in to be his unpaid bangnanny and occasionally lovebombed you in between fights so you’d stick around and continue parenting his kid for him.
Get the abortion, tell him you miscarried, chalk the last couple years up to a life lesson learned, and pick your partners better in the future. Pro-tip: a man who dates 20 years younger than himself is deliberately targeting women in a lower age bracket bc he can’t convince women his own age, who know better, to put up with his bullshit.
You are definitely NTA. You have to put everything aside. Do YOU want a baby? Do YOU want to be with him? This is your own decision and you are the one who will carry that baby. Your ex already lived his live to a certain point. He had a kid and a job. But your life just begins, do not throw it away for a 40+ year-old man…
Sort of sounds like maybe you just don’t want kids. It’s okay if you don’t. Not all women want children.
NTA.
Your body, your choice.
And even though he wants to be involved, that baby will tie you to that man for the rest of your life, one way or another.
Do you want that?
NTA don’t bring another poor child into this mess. Don’t tie yourself to this man for the rest of your life.
Your body, your choice. A 46 year old man dating a woman 20 years younger is predator energy—at the very least, he thinks he can control you.
You deserve better. You aren’t ready to be a parent and that is okay! Wait until you are, if that day ever comes.
Good luck with your decision. But you are NTAH.
I get why you’re overwhelmed, but being honest with him might help avoid bigger issues later. Have you thought about talking to him about how you feel?
Tell him you miscarried and abort if you wish. Youre NTA. He sounds like one, though. Groomer freak.
NTA – if you don’t want it and relationship is over anyway there is no reason to be honest, if you get the abortion tell him you miscarried
weird that he is excited you’re pregnant, doesn’t he realize you two broke up? potential gas lighting red flag, aka controlling
You are never the AH for making choices about your own body.
Nta. It still your body your choice.
Oof stop chasing after daddy and get an abortion. Date someone your age.
NTA. Do you really want to spend all of your youth raising a kid? It sounds like he made you his bang nanny to help him raise the kid he already has. With a baby, it will be full time and no life for you.
This is YOUR choice.
Sounds like the best thing to do. It avoids drama and allows you a clean break
NTA, sounds like this guy wants a young wife to help look after his son instead of an actual partner.
Nope. Be a grown up and tell the truth. Whether you like it or not, that’s his child too that’s growing inside of you. It’s up to you what you want to do, but you need to be an adult and own your decision. If you think it’ll cause problems telling him that you’re having an abortion, think about how much worse it’ll be if he finds out after you lie. Stuff like this has a way of coming out.
Terminate the pregnancy, and tell your ex that it was a miscarriage. I’m sorry it worked out this way, but you’re right that you should not be around the stepkid. It would be harmful to that child if you continue the relationship.
The heart doesn’t want what the heart doesn’t want.
He probably sabotaged your birth control since he knew you were leaving, now he feels like you’ll have to come back and be a mom to his kids.
NTA. Your body your choice. But I would tell him the truth so you don’t have that lie hanging over your head.
Again? You posted last month that you were pregnant.
Whatever you do, do not continue that pregnancy. Get the medical procedure you need and move on with your life.
Go take care of your body and say whatever you want to that makes life more comfortable. Whether that’s the truth or miscarriage. You owe no one explanation about what you do.
NTA.
Lying will make you an AH.
If you want an abortion then get one but there is no reason to lie about it.
Don’t go back. And if you keep the baby, he will pawn it off on another woman when she’s around. Take time to enjoy your freedom and learn yourself.
NTA. If you don’t want to be a mother you don’t have to be just to please him. He sounds pretty hands off leaving you holding the parenthood bag already. This isn’t going to make that easier.
This is your choice. Not his. Not anyone else’s. Do what is right for you.
You seem unhinged and it would be best if you didn’t have children. Go get your abortion and see a psychiatrist. If you do have the baby I hope he sues for custody. You seem like you might hurt the child.
NTA
Do you really want to deal with this person for the next 18 years? If you’re already thinking of an abortion, you know the answer.
NTA have that abortion if you wish. But No one here on redit can tell you what to do it’s your choice.
Yea the fact you moved into his and his child’s home before you got to know the kid shows you should probably wait a few years before having one of your own…and obviously leave the guy whoys kid you hate
Your feelings are understandable but the gift of pregnancy and the opportunity to bring a new life into the world is a miracle and a blessing. Whether you stay with your boyfriend or not, you will likely have deep regrets if you have an abortion. The way I see it, the issue of your pregnancy is separate from the issue of your relationship.
Whatever you do, make sure you really, really, really are certain about abortion if that’s the direction you feel like you want to go. It is something that will change you forever – – in the opposite way that having your own child will. You can have a baby and enjoy the gift of motherhood without being in the relationship you just left and that decision doesn’t have to be made immediately. You can feel it out.
EDIT: I read all of the comments to the bottom. A lot of nasty middle aged single/divorced harpies are responding to your post. Beware the Siren’s song they sing.
Children are VERY needy. It’s not just your stbx bf’s kid, it’s all kids. The problem is that you were put in charge of this child that you have no emotional attachment to and were not supported through it. If your boyfriend made you be in charge of this child that is not your responsibility, you certainly are not going to feel good about it and will grow resentful. Firstly, this ain’t the kind of person to have a baby with, second of all, you are young and should move on to have a relationship with someone who can treat you like an equal partner, not a babysitter for his child. Please do yourself a favor and cut ties with this man fully in whatever way necessary.
I stopped at you 25 dating a 46 year old. Seriously it is your body, your choice. You were crazy to tell him you are even pregnant. Have the abortion. If he asks tell him you miscarried or the test was wrong. Right now it isn’t a kid no matter what the propaganda tells you. It is a literal clump of cells.
A 45 year old dating a 25 year old is NOT a healthy relationship.
NTA
Good for you for leaving, and it sounds like your biggest focus right now should be you. NTA. You stated you entered this relationship because you were young and lonely (ugh 20 year age gaps of this nature – 22 and 42 is very different from 42 and 62). You are still young and it’s time to learn to love yourself more, and perhaps get some therapy, so you can avoid relationship red flags in the future.
And, really sit with if you want to be a mother or not in general. Feeling overwhelmed with a child can be a natural thing, or it can be an indication that you may not want children. Many adults who had a lot of responsibilities as kids end up not wanting to be parents themselves, but can be great aunts or uncles.
(Btw – things would not be better if he didn’t have this kid, he would still be him – that he made you responsible for his kid at such a young age, or at all really, talks about his character.)
He might “die for his kid,” but live for his kid? To be there at every game/meet/etc, for the homework, the bedtime and morning routine, the bumped heads and pukey bedsheets, the bad dreams and thunderstorms….you can only die once for your kid, but it takes a true parent to live for them every damn day through it all.
He might “die for his kid,” but live for his kid? To be there at every game/meet/etc, for the homework, the bedtime and morning routine, the bumped heads and pukey bedsheets, the bad dreams and thunderstorms….you can only die once for your kid, but it takes a true parent to live for them every damn day through it all.
NTA… this relationship seems incredibly toxic and the fighting will only increase 10 fold when that baby comes. I would follow through on your plan and tell him you miscarried. Get out while you can!
Yes.
Have the baby, sign sole custody over to him, and promise you will disappear from their lives.
Your Creator created a life inside of you, as the result of YOUR actions. What makes you think YOU have a right to terminate that life??
I hope you’re living in a blue state, if you’re American
The best thing for you to do is move on. When you date someone with children, they are a package deal and the kids can’t help you don’t feel connected to them. My brother got remarried to someone who never accepted his son and it has continued to cause problems for years. Fortunately they did not have children together but it affected his relationship with his own son when he felt he had to choose.
This sounds awful. You dont have to be pregnant if you dont want to be. Def get away from this turd and live your life
NTAH Sounds like you’re really bad with kids.
Do it. Have the abortion. If you don’t, not only will you be tied to a man who refuses to raise his previous kid, he will have some other woman raising your kid.
If that’s what you want it’s what you should do. Just be sure. And I agree you don’t need to tell, anyone your choice.
No. Just no. Hirl ho live your life. Dont let this old creep ruin your youth. Get away and fast.
I think that everything was overwhelming because he was expecting you to act like a 40 year old mother and you were a young 20 something. If he was forcing that much parenting off on you he is not a good father. Not a good partner. Objectively, this pregnancy changes nothing. You had decided to leave, for your own sanity I think you should stay the course. It sucks you spent so many years as this guys live in babysitter. But do you want to be tied to this man when he is 63 and your kid is graduating high school?
Ending a life because it’s inconvenient is not the way to go. And it’s only half your DNA. It’s not like you found his gym bag and you’re getting rid of it without telling him. It’s a whole human.
INFO: Were you on birth control while with him or taking any precautions to not get pregnant?
I ask because it sounds like your ex knew he was about to lose you and may have purposely got you pregnant. Especially with how happy he was to learn about the pregnancy when you guys are broken up.
Older single men with kids typically pray on younger women like you cuz they believe you can be “trained”. You’re job was to mother his kid and take all the parental duties, like his ex did probably (and that’s why she left). You’re rebelling, so he may have took measures to make you stay put.
You will be better off not having his child. Telling him it’s a miscarriage would simply just be self preservation, logically you will be better off without forever being tied to this man and his child that you can’t stand.
Do you want to share 50/50 custody of a child with him and his new 20 year old bang Nanny? Because that’s what’s going to happen. I see no reason to lie and say that you had a miscarriage if you tell him the truth that will be the nail in the coffin and you’ll never have to look back.
She chose to have sex. Not the same thing. Turn off Joel Osteen and Faux news and GET A LIFE.
NTA. Don’t tie yourself to this man. I didn’t really have to read any further than your age gap. A step parent/ child relationship needs work and building attachment over time. You were rushed into providing care for a kid who isn’t yours, understandable you didn’t automatically feel anything for the kid and possibly felt resentful of the responsibility.
There’s a reason older men date younger women, it’s about control and power, they can’t find women their own age to date because it’s harder to manipulate them.
You have moved out, if you don’t want to keep the pregnancy for yourself, don’t go through with it for him. You’re in control of this decision, abortion is healthcare.