I’m currently on maternity leave from my job as a social media manager at a small start-up. When I went on leave, my friend actually took over my position (she only joined the company because of me).
Since then, she’s been messaging me constantly. Every other day it’s either questions about work, venting about colleagues, or sending me the content she posts so I’ll like or engage with it. She messages me through both the company account (which I’ve muted) and her personal one.
On top of that, she often asks to come over and “help”; cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, whatever I need. It’s really generous of her, but the problem is that whenever she’s over, the conversation turns into work. The last time she came, she stayed for FIVE hours, and 80% of what we talked about was her job. I even ended up helping her do work because she was stressed, and she straight up asked me to join a meeting with her.
I feel so stuck. I don’t want to hurt our friendship, and I know she’s just trying her best, but this is supposed to be my maternity leave. I’ve already had to tell other coworkers to respect my time, and she even backed me up on that… yet she doesn’t seem to realize she’s doing the same thing.
So lately I’ve just been ignoring the work-related messages (she doesn’t seem to get the message). I’ll still reply if it’s something personal, but if it’s about work I don’t answer. Now I’m worried I’m being rude or unsupportive, since she’s obviously struggling and looking for reassurance.
AITA for ignoring her work messages while I’m on maternity leave?
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I’m currently on maternity leave from my job as a social media manager at a small start-up. When I went on leave, my friend actually took over my position (she only joined the company because of me).
Since then, she’s been messaging me constantly. Every other day it’s either questions about work, venting about colleagues, or sending me the content she posts so I’ll like or engage with it. She messages me through both the company account (which I’ve muted) and her personal one.
On top of that, she often asks to come over and “help”; cooking, cleaning, walking the dog, whatever I need. It’s really generous of her, but the problem is that whenever she’s over, the conversation turns into work. The last time she came, she stayed for FIVE hours, and 80% of what we talked about was her job. I even ended up helping her do work because she was stressed, and she straight up asked me to join a meeting with her.
I feel so stuck. I don’t want to hurt our friendship, and I know she’s just trying her best, but this is supposed to be my maternity leave. I’ve already had to tell other coworkers to respect my time, and she even backed me up on that… yet she doesn’t seem to realize she’s doing the same thing.
So lately I’ve just been ignoring the work-related messages (she doesn’t seem to get the message). I’ll still reply if it’s something personal, but if it’s about work I don’t answer. Now I’m worried I’m being rude or unsupportive, since she’s obviously struggling and looking for reassurance.
AITA for ignoring her work messages while I’m on maternity leave?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ignored my friends messages.
Ignoring friends is usually considered to be bad but I am conflicted since this is related to work.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but why not just tell her you’re on work leave and don’t want to talk about work off work? Even she needs a break, she’s letting work take over her personality.
NTA but parenthood requires boundaries in all kinds of ways. You need to start setting them. Let your friend know that you’re on maternity leave and want to focus on your family. You do not want to talk about work or hear about work because it stresses you out. If she accepts that, and you want to see her, let her come help. Also, set a time limit. “I’d love to see you from noon-1 but remember no work talk please.”
When she inevitably starts talking about work, say that you’re tired and she unfortunately needs to go.
And never do work on leave. You’re not getting paid for that.
She already hurt the friendship with colossal self-involvement and insensitivity. You can very nicely go with, “Friend, I’m so sorry, I realize that work is stressful. But I’m on maternity leave and I need serenity to bond with my baby and cope with the challenges of new motherhood, so I can’t really hear one more word about it until I get back. I know you’ll understand. Thanks!”
Then, if she starts again, go with, “Remember, nothing about work. Sorry.”
And if she persists, she’s not really friend material, is she?
NTA
NTA. Since being subtle isn’t working I’d recommend just being direct with her. Remind her you’re on mat leave. You’re not working. So you can’t help her (which you did for free!) with her work. Since your not working. Cause you’re on mat leave. Just keep saying it. “I’m still on maternity leave”. You don’t have to be mean to be direct, but you also don’t have to be a pushover.
Also congratulations on your baby!
NTA she is treated you as an unpaid coworker
If you want to try to salvage the relationship, text her (so you have it in writing) that you are on leave and unable to assist with work matters during your recovery time
Otherwise -just send the message and email her work email stating above and CC or BC management or HR
If she can’t do the job, she can’t expect you to complete her work for free
If you work while on maternity leave you’re putting her job, your job,and the company at risk for breaking labor laws. It is illegal for you to work when you’re not getting paid for it.
Be honest. “I’m so happy to see you/hear from you but I absolutely refuse to think about work until my maternity leave is up and I’m back at work. I’m using this brief time to focus on my baby, my family, and my wonderful friends like you. No work talk, no exceptions.“
If she doesn’t have children, and she lives for her job, she may be legitimately trying to keep you in the loop. No harm, no foul unless she persists after you have been explicit with her about not wanting to discuss work.
NTA. If you’re really friends then you need to tell her. Be blunt. Be firm. If she doesn’t want to respect your request, then I guess she wasn’t that good of a friend.
“Sorry friend, my brain is in baby mode and my body is healing, so I’m not able to give you the kind of talk you’re wanting right now. I think you can use a break from talking about work anyway since it’s stressing you out.”
I know some people might take issue with including “sorry” and I get that. It’s whatever to me either way.
NTA she sounds super draining. I’m sure she’s normally great otherwise you wouldn’t be friends with her. Hopefully she can get her head out of her butt for your sake and hers.