Recently my husband has been hiding more and more from me. Deleting messages, photos and data files. He’s wiped everything. I still knew of some things and found a picture of a women I know a year before our wedding date. My husband is a very sexual man and I am bi, we have shared women together. He used to be so open and honest with me that if a girl did tempt him he’d tell me. After 5 year dating /engaged we got married and have been for 4years. There were 2 instances when married that I know of that wasn’t cool, he didn’t cheat but still wasn’t the best action. I text the girl I found the photo of and she says that they’ve always flirted. That he asked her to have sex, like a last chance, before we got married. I ask him about everything and he FLIPS out. I know its bc of guilt. He tells me he doesn’t care about what happened before we were married. That it was too long ago anyways, he doesn’t remember. That I know how much he had to change to be with me. That our commitment didn’t start until we were married. I tell him that’s bs. That her # is encrypted on his phone to which he acts like he has NO idea what that means. She just texted him in June. She did last year too. Last year it was hey this guy looks like u. This year it was a selfie, oops wrong person. Most of the emtexts are deleted but he asked if she was at work. When I brought this up to him he flipped out. Acted like I’m crazy. I don’t believe he has done anything physical since we’ve been married. I’m not sure about before. i know he the texts went back n forth.
I don’t believe in divorce.. we have been having issues too which he is using to avoid addressing this.
What would you do? How do I get him to open up?
For the past year he has been pretty cruel in general. I was depressed and he was calling me a piece of shit. When I asked him to be nice hed say he dosent care. Since then he has been very selfish and flippin anything I say back around and make it my fault. Then uses my love as a way to control the situation. If he doesn’t get His way he threatens divorce. I’m going crazy.
Comment Response:
Why did I post this – having the feeling of no one to talk to is difficult. I know the advice I’d give someone else, I know I look weak and stupid. I also know my husband. He was going through his own depression, issues at work and doesn’t know how to handle stress. It doesn’t make him treating me poorly during my low time ok but he’s willing to go to therapy to work on it. He’s never acted like this before.
I just need the truth and get back to the man who was open and honest with me. I understand he might have never been fully honest but there was something there between us that seems gone. Marriage is also very important to him, I do believe that once we got married that he worked on that part of himself. That he hasn’t cheated on me since. He is trying now. He knows he needs to seek help for how he has been lashing out and cruel. He did recognize that what he did hurt me and he’s sorry. But he still hasn’t talked to me about it. He finds ways to avoid it which makes me think the worst. I won’t be able to move on until I know the truth. So this may destroy us, which sucks. I do love us but I don’t love the me right now.I guess I was hoping that someone knows some physiological way to get someone’s mind like that to flip the switch from defensive to sharing.
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He doesn’t care about you, and he knows you won’t divorce him no matter what he does.
He has no reason to be nice and he has no reason to open up and he has no reason to listen to your concerns – because he doesn’t care.
If you cannot figure out a way to convince yourself to walk away from this man, he is going to destroy your life and your self esteem.
You don’t believe in a divorce, but then do you believe in personality transplants?
Why don’t you believe in divorce? If i may ask, because honestly you deserve a life where you are not constantly miserable.
You don’t believe in divorce… So really what do you want from us? Any rational person would divorce this loser, how dare he speak to you like that? The person he is supposed to love more than anyone else…?
He is 100% psychologically abusing you.
But if you don’t believe in divorce then.. I guess stay and put up with it?
Are you happy?
Stay with trash, don’t be surprised if your marriage is a dumpster.
Not sure how to help you because you don’t want to correct answer: divorce him or get used to him cheating?? We can’t force him to talk about anything unless he’s wants to.
I hope you start to believe in divorce. This guy is a manipulative AH.
Might be time to start looking into the religion of divorce.
Well if you don’t believe in divorce… welcome to the rest of your life.
He’s got you now and you’re not going anywhere and you’re already used to sharing him. You’ve shown him that he doesn’t need to respect you and that you don’t have any for respect yourself. He’s out chasing around someone else that he thinks highly of behind your back that he doesn’t want to share you with.
You better start believing
What are you asking? Saying you don’t “believe in divorce” in this situation means you believe in infidelity, poor and abusive treatment, cruelty, name calling and any other crap he throws at you.
Either accept that, or start changing your mindset. There’s no third option.
The best way to improve your life is to start believing in divorce. You were dealing with depression, and he decided to emotionally abuse you instead of helping you. That’s not a man who even likes you, let alone loves you.
Your husband doesn’t care about you and he is showing you this and you continue to stay why?? It’s time to grow up and accept that your husband is a selfish and toxic person as it will only get worse.
Save yourself and get out now.
The fact that you are being emotionally and mentally abused needs to trump your disbelief in divorce honey. He will not change for you. He does not love you. Please speak to a therapist if you can, they can help guide you in the right direction. Love is not supposed to hurt you like this.
Sounds like a very narcissistic man. Dont let anyone hold anything above your head. And if he’s deleting things quickly, I feel like he’s got something to hide. I’d choose a time when his defences are down and act all chill about it and see what he says. Do you really want to stay in a relationship where you can’t trust your husband and he’s not honest with you? Next it’s gonna be him spending your hard earned money on her.
“I don’t believe in divorce.” Sounds like you’re okay with being treated like shit though so have a good time with that.
What’s the point of being with a person like this? He acts like respecting your relationship and you are some kind of massive burden that he should get credit for, as if it’s not something most men gladly do without asking.
“Had to change for you?” No, he chose to be with you and he knew what that meant and he needs to take responsibility for his failures and weakness
The stuff about being cruel and yelling…he doesn’t sound like he even likes you. He sees you as a burden. He probably cheated and you’re clinging to hope that he hasn’t since you got married, but he probably did it or if he didn’t, he will. What’s stopping him? He doesn’t like you, he doesn’t respect you, and he knows you don’t respect yourself enough to leave.
Get some pride for yourself, seriously
Cheating. Emotional abuse. Anger problems. Name-calling.
Get out of this situation asap. This person is risking your mental and physical health, and he’s not going to change just because you’re upset (or he would’ve already). He doesn’t care about you.
Also, you don’t know that he’s lashing out “because of guilt.” You’re just projecting that to paint him in the best light because you’re codependently attached and can’t imagine leaving. He also knows this, which is why he’s treating you like shit. Wake up.
Why would you post this if you aren’t willing to actually do anything about it?
No one wants divorce, but sometimes it’s what people need because the marriage is no longer healthy. Your husband is no good for you and your mental health. You deserve better, and divorce, while not easy, will set you on a better path.
He doesn’t love or respect you. It’s time to seek out a lawyer and start believing in divorce!
Since you “don’t believe in divorce”, and my advice would be to divorce this horrible man, I have no advice for you.
Should you re-evaluate your beliefs, you should divorce him as soon as possible. He is dishonest, cruel, untrustworthy and abusive (emotionally…for now). He doesn’t love you, respect you – I don’t think he even likes you. You will be happier by yourself than living with him.
You should look more into this idea of not believing in divorce. You can’t force someone to do the right thing.
So in those situations if you’re against a divorce you’re accepting poor behavior. I’m not saying you think the behavior is ok, but either you’re going go make the problem go away or you’re not.
That being said, I’m not saying you should absolutely get a divorce, but this does seem beyond your ability to fix. He has to be on board. Get marriage counseling, and depending on the specifics because there could be more info he may need his own counseling in additoin to the marriage counseling.
If he refuses to see a profession and/or you don’t believe in it, then you just have to accept this life or get a divorce. Once again, I’m not saying accept means “agree with”. I’m saying you’ve chosen staying and living with this and hoping he sees how he’s wrong and is willing to change over leaving.
OP you don’t believe in divorce and he doesn’t believe in truth or trust, and believes that the past doesn’t matter.
He’s hiding a doozy. Get yourself tested and consider some therapy for yourself.
I didn’t “believe in divorce” either in a way because I felt like I only got married once and I needed to give it 110%.
I have now been divorced for ~3.5 years after I caught him cheating. Life isn’t perfect but my only regret is that I didn’t get a divorce sooner (or never marry him to start with!).
“I dont believe in divorce” is the reason he knows he can do whatever and treat you however he wants because you are trapped.
Have some self-respect and leave this piece of crap before it gets worse. He doesn’t love or respect you. He just sees you as his doormat. Gross
I hope you don’t have children with the person because you are teaching them to accept this kind of abuse and mistreatment.
You think keeping him is more important than being treated with kindness, care and respect. He agreed.
He throws crap at you, you verbally object, he throws some crap until you back down. You go back for more and he gets his way. Why would he care about you, more than you care about yourself? If you cared about yourself you’d remove yourself from the situation.
People respect those that respect themselves. Nobody respects a doormat.
I’m really asking: what exactly does it mean when someone says ‘I don’t believe in divorce’? Like I can’t wrap my head around this saying.
It’s not something to believe in, it’s not the Holy Ghost ffs
This guy knows he can do whatever he wants to you and you’ll just lie there and take it, and you’re here affirming that stance, so what exactly are you hoping to hear from us? “Yeah, just stay with him, he’ll get better if you just stick by him”?
Believes in polygamy but not divorce. Ok.
You cannot force someone to talk to you. All you can do it decide how much you are willing to put up with the consequences of the choices made.
You DO need to get mental health help for your depression and your husband’s emotional abuse of you.
You deserve better. You do not deserve to be emotionally abused or cheated on. How much will be too much for you? I hope rock bottom for you isn’t too low to realize that you need to leave and protect yourself.
Do you have kids? If so, what life would you want for them? Or what life would you want for friends or family members?
Divorce IS a reasonable option when only one person cares about fixing the relationship. Your abuser doesn’t need to fix anything because there are no consequences.
Why don’t you believe in divorce?
Why would he when he knows you’ll never leave.
You’re not weak, you’re hurt. Being married doesn’t fundamentally change a person and sometimes nor does therapy.
Respectfully, I think he’s feeling trapped and unable to adjust to a monogamous lifestyle.
Marriage can’t be based on sex, it’s an important component but for its lifetime duration it’s minimal, respect & commitment is needed to help a couple get through the tough times.
You say, neither believes in Divorce while this is admirable, if the marriage becomes insufferable it might be the last resort, no one should remain married when it’s become unsustainable.
> I was hoping that someone knows some physiological way to get someone’s mind like that to flip the switch
If such a thing existed, there wouldn’t be a need for the divorce you don’t believe in anyway.
Honestly, it’s not up to you to psychologically flip the switch in someone else’s mind – not even your husband’s. Any psychologist will advise you not to expect anybody to change to suit you.
Instead, try flipping the switch in your own mind. Seek out therapy to help you decide how to move forward. You don’t believe in divorce under any circumstances, so therapy and other resources may be able to help you find a way to live through this with no expectation of change from anyone other than yourself. I truly wish you the best.
Good luck!