My boyfriend 31m and I 30f have known each other for 1 year and 9 months. From the first time we ever hung out we could not keep our hands off of each other. I enjoyed this immensely because a huge reason my ex and I divorced is because I was genuinely not attracted to him and our sex life was virtually non-existent (among many other things that are irrelevant here).
Now, during the first 14 months that we knew each other things were complicated because he is an alcoholic. But we always had sex. Sex was our way of comforting each other, connecting, and was genuinely enjoyable. We would fall asleep naked, his hands on my chest or butt, just completely comfortable with each other. We would sext and flirt and talk about what we wanted all day while he was sober at work, but he was drunk or tipsy 80% of the time when we were actually together. He slept with a couple of other women during this time, I see it as cheating because we told each other we loved each other all the time, but we never really defined our relationship until after he got truly sober. It really fucked with my trust of him and my self esteem, and I left for a while, but it only took so long before I could no longer resist him. It wasnt until January after he was hospitalized 3 times in a short span that he finally got a grip on his addiction and stopped drinking. He spent a couple months showing me everything he was doing to stay sober, stay trustworthy, and how commited he is to me before I asked him to move in with me to help me financially as well as get away from roommates that still drink heavily.. I know in my heart he loves me, and I love him immensely. He’s funny and intelligent, strong and capable. Gentle. Understanding and willing to learn and change and grow and continue to be a better human. We have gobs of fun together, traveling and going to concerts and camping and just enjoying and experiencing life together. He finally met the rest of my huge family and loved them too. Our realtionship has improved in every single way… except our sex life.
Its awkward now. It feels like he doesnt find me attractive any more. I admit I have gained weight since we met but I do think thats partially due to the birth control I started after we met and I realized I was really actually gonna need it. So part of me thinks he thinks I’m gross now that he always sees me through sober eyes. He avoids touching me in any sexual manner. For example, we were cuddling this morning and I moved and his hand slipped to my breast, he immediately repositioned it to my shoulder. And every time I try to start a conversation about sex, he changes the subject, or shuts it down in some way.
I admitted to him how much I miss our sex life, in an effort to find out why but he stayed silent and it feels like its only gotten worse. I don’t know what else to do. In the back of my head I wonder if he’s seeing someone else but it would have to be only an online thing, cuz he literally never has extra time to go anywhere or have anyone over. He lives with me as of June, and I live in the middle of nowhere, so he doesnt leave on his days off, just flies on his flight simulator and I would know if anyone else came into the house, its my house and I have cameras at the exterior doors.
Honestly, this feels a bit like karma. I left a marriage because I wasnt attracted to him, and now I get to feel what its like on the other side.
How do I restore a previously ideal sex life? My patience, trust, and self- esteem is wearing EXTREMELY thin. We are building a beautiful life together in so many ways.. but.. I like sex! I am trying so hard to be patient. How do I bring this up again without sounding like a broken record and/or worsening the issue again?
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Being an alcoholic lowers inhibitions, it’s possible that now you’re seeing the authentic him and maybe he doesn’t have the confidence that he did while he was intoxicated.
Try a sex therapist, try telling him how attractive you find him, or try non sex related touching sometimes.
Sorry, but you lost me at “he was cheating”. How low is your self esteem if you’re willing to put up with this?
I drank a lot, I’ve been sober not a drop for 14-years.
When you drink daily your view of the world, your personality, revolves around the alcohol, you literally become a different person. Being 200 days sober he’ll need to rediscover who he actually is and that person you knew might be gone completely.
That might mean he’ll think differently about people, partners etc.
Overall since he stopped drinking would you say things have improved or gotten worse? Pushing aside the bedroom activity.
Oh my God, where on earth is your self-respect? Staying with a cheater? Who would ever lower themselves to that level?
Hm, I’m a 45 year old married male who has a troubling relationship with alcohol, and for what it’s worth, it’s the opposite for me: 2-3 drinks and I have no desire and/or poor performance with my wife. And yes I find her very attractive. I’m much more in the mood when sober.
I thought part of recovery in AA anyway, was to leave relationships unless you are married. Reason for this is the addiction can transfer to the bf/gf. I stand to be corrected.