Throw away but my fiancée (50M) and I (31F) just had a baby – a little out of order but we’re thrilled to pieces and so are our most of our family. Now, he has two teenage girls from a prior marriage. Neither have come to visit us yet – we live in a different state than their mom.
Instead, myself and their dad would normally visit 1-2x a month, staying at a hotel but going to take them shopping, out to eat, etc. I’ve opted out of 2/3 of the joint activities to make sure his girls have their alone time with him, and it seems like they’ve appreciated that.
Their mother is not my biggest fan. She and I are opposites in almost everything and she has made it clear she really wants nothing to do with me. That said, he and his ex are on civil terms, not best friends but fine coparents.
His older daughter (18) and I get along really well, and she’s planning to come and visit next spring for a couple weeks. His youngest (14) doesn’t openly dislike me, but is very introverted and attached to her mom which I can understand and empathize with, being a child of divorce.
My partner is desperate to spend more quality time with his youngest while she’s still growing up which I wholeheartedly support.
Now comes the annoying part – as mentioned above, we just had a baby who’s almost 6 months. His younger daughter has said she’ll come to visit too if it’s just him and her sister – no me and no baby. I’m not sure what planet they live on where this is a reasonable request. It’s not even his house, it’s mine.
He asked half jokingly if I would entertain the idea and I told him point blank “no”. He didn’t get angry but became a little moody and it totally set me off. I was so angry about the request and the fact that he would even entertain it, that I effectively stormed off. He’s since apologized and I feel badly now just given the stress he feels to spend time with her, but I can’t help feeling justified that this is my house and I have a very young child – I am not going to uproot just on the whim of a teenager.
Thoughts?
Comments
NTA – you shouldnt have to leave the house WITH A NEWBORN so the other kid can visit. This was an unreasonable request.
You are not the AH. He could do a vacation or rent a place where they could all stay. Uprooting you from your home with your 6 month old is totally unreasonable.!!
I’d tell him he can keep the baby with him and send you to a spa for the week!! Haha. Let ALL of the kids be his problem.
It is unreasonable for him to expect you both to leave your house.
NTA.
He’s a 50 yo who wants to kick out a new mother and her baby out of her own house?! The audacity!!
Even if it’s temporary, he should’ve never entertained it. He can rent a place using his own money if he wants because it’s your house. No one decides who’s welcome in it other than you. Not even a 14 yo who wants to spend time alone with her dad.
He can take them somewhere for vacation or rent out an apartment for some family bonding. But don’t you dare leave your own house. What’s she gonna ask for next? Is he her doormat?!
Why don’t you live in a house you co-own by the way. Are you the breadwinner? What does he bring to the table other than disrespect.
NTA. If he wants a week alone with his older children, he can get a hotel for a week.
Nta. He can leave and spend a week in a hotel with them. That’s your house. Do not leave it
NTA. As you note, it’s your house. He wants this, he can go rent someplace else to do this with on his own dime.
Show your fiancé the door. NTA
NTA. I don’t care whose name is on the deed. It’s where you and your baby live. If younger daughter wants alone time with dad and sister, he should plan a quiet get away for the three of them somewhere, maybe near a mountain or lake or beach where they can do activities outside or in, without distractions.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩
Absolutely NTA. He can get a hotel room or temporary rental when the girls come to visit.
NTA. He needs to nip this crap with his daughter in the bud. She doesn’t have to like you but she cannot come to your house and expect you not to be there. She can either come and spend time her dad at your place and be civil or he can make other arrangements but I wouldn’t put up with that crap. So to appease his younger daughter your child is going to lose their father for x amount of time because he is being a moody teenager. Let me tell you that stage doesn’t end until they are maybe out of college. They think they run things and know everything at that age.
You absolutely should not have to leave your house with or without a six month old child. He can go visit her or they can take a trip somewhere or something. Ugh. The nerve.
It’s shocking that he is so open to making your life more difficult, that he can’t see other options., ie., him leaving the house for a week. Having a discussion with youngest about why that is her demand, and how it isn’t going to happen. Actually enforcing his custody schedule and telling daughter that it’s not her decision if she’s going to visit or not.
He deserves some stress. He made a selfish ask. You have helped him facilitate his relationship with his daughters in the past, and will in the future, you sound like a decent human being. However his child’s demand, and his ask is unreasonable. NTA.
Why is the younger one so opposed to spending time with you and the baby? I obviously understand you don’t want to leave your house w a baby. That is totally understandable but I’m thinking long term. Were you the affair partner?
NTA
Absolutely not and he should have shit that idea down the very second it came up. Even if it wasn’t your home, and if you hadn’t just had a baby. That is where you live.
NTA it doesn’t matter how old your child is, you leaving your house is an absolute no. He wants to spend time with him then he can do it on his time somewhere else. You’re not gonna have family bonding time. The youngest does not want that.
YTA for banging your grandpa.
NTA teenagers should not be ruling the house. It’s actually unhealthy for them to be given that much power. Teenagers do better when the rules and boundaries are clearly drawn.
If your fiancée wants alone time with his kids, he can take the baby and teenagers to the zoo for the day. Go get a mani/pedi or massage.
Obviously NTA.
His daughter is checking boundaries to see what her dad is willing to do for her as 14 y/o do. He needs to calm down and have a talk with her, not freak out and go to the weirdest possible solution. He can promise they’ll spend plenty of alone time, but explain that it’s not a reasonable request. Maybe he can also ask the oldest daughter for her input first to understand more where the younger one is coming from before he talks to her.
nta you could however take advantage of the situation and get him to pay for a nice trip away somewhere somewhere worth being asked to leave your house for, maybe with a friend that he will pay for too
NTA – he needs to figure iout how to spend time with his kid that does not involve uprooting you and the baby from your own damn house. Essentially it is his problem. That is utterly ridiculous.
He can get a hotel room with her. Bam, done, maybe they’ll get a pool even for entertainment.
Absolutely not to you leaving your own house …
Don’t marry this jerk. He has a super AH.
NTA – It’s your house and you have a baby. It’s unreasonable to suggest that you leave.
If he has money, suggest that he get a short term rental (Airbnb or a sublet) nearby for a month so he can host his youngest there.
This is why he with a woman young enough to be his daughter. He thinks he can manipulate you into having his way.
I am not sure why a14 yo is dictating the terms of the visit.
NTA…that’s your home and the baby needs stability. The more he feeds into the youngest and her mother’s demands the more they will disrespect you. He needs to actually parent his kid instead of trying to be her friend.
I have one thought- he can rent an Air BNB for a week. He is going to let his daughter get her way, he can accommodate her by renting an Airbnb. He shouldn’t uproot a newborn baby or an infant and mother from their home even if you do own it. She can visit her father in a stranger’s house.
Absolutely ridiculous.
He can book a hotel for him and his daughters when they visit. If the older daughter wants to visit you and baby she can. NTA.
He’s the asshole for even suggesting that. But you are the one who is dating a man old enough to be your father. You gotta deal with this shit. Don’t complain about your choices.
YTA for having a kid with someone old enough to be your father. Wtf.
Yeah, I’m more about the age gap. I get that your frontal lobe is fully formed now and all that, but jeez. I got rid of my daddy issues in my 20s. Realizing why his ex-wife and kids are standoffish.
That aside, he’s an idiot for even entertaining the idea, unless he sends you to an all-inclusive hotel where you and baby get waited on hand and foot the whole time. Tell him to hand over his credit card, and you’ll see him after his brat is gone. (She’s a brat for the ridiculous demand, not for wanting to spend time with her father.)
They can rent an airbnb and have all the solo time they want. Or he can go visit her.
Why would you date this old man let alone have his baby, let alone marry him?
Yes, but she shouldn’t have to. Snotty teen should not be making the rules.
Absolutely NTA. How dare he even “joke” about entertaining that ridiculous idea…it’s a damn good thing for him that he came to his senses and apologized to you. That girl’s mind is likely just poisoned by her mother, but she’s old enough to use her brain and know better than to suggest some cruel and outlandish shit like that. She needs to learn asap that you and your baby are family now and to at least respect that, she doesn’t have to like it. I have a horrid stepmother who hasn’t let me or my sister spend a freaking moment alone with my father since they even started dating, those girls don’t know how good they have it with you. Keep firmly standing your ground. She will likely come around like the older one eventually.
NTA. in no world should you be expected to leave your own house with your very young baby. tell him to get a hotel room or rent a house if his daughter is so set on not seeing you when she visits.
NTA. If you’re ok with him leaving for a week, suggest hebtake.his girls are on a trip. That would be something that could make great memories. It could be anything from aumesment park like Disneyland/world to renting a cabin, going fishing and having bonfires under the stars to going to the beach and learning to surf together or whatever works for their interests.
This would create a special moment just for the 3 of them where they could make special memories they wouldn’t get at home.
Of course, only suggest this if you’re ok with him leaving you and your 6 month old for a week. If you’re not ready for that, suggest it but have it happen further out. The benefit to that would be making it a nicer to trip to somewhere really awesome.
You’re a good wife, mother, and whatever the girls want to call you. So many people have a hard time when it comes to a spouse having a relationship with the bookies that are not fans of them. I know its not easy, but it shows how much you care about him and their relationship. The request was absolutely unreasonable, although the reason for the request is understandable.
Talk with him and come up with ideas that would allow him that daddy daughter time in a way that’s respectful to you and your shared child. Also, suggesting he take just a weekend with his youngest may be a good idea, too. Maybe when the oldest comes to spend some time next year he and his youngest can go do something. Go to NY and see Broadway shows, or Vegas to see magic acts or, again, whatever fits their personalities and interests. As long as the two of you work together and respect each other, the two of you can figure out ways to make sure he keeps and strengthens this bond with his older children without hurting his relationship with you or bond with his youngest.
NTA. At all. Sure, you can be sympathetic to his dilemma, but don’t feel bad for standing up for yourself and your baby. Glad to hear that he apologized for even considering it.
14 y/o daughter doesn’t need to come if she doesn’t want to. 18 y/o can, obviously she’s okay with it..
Amazing that people will bend over backwards for a 14 y/o who needs to understand that her dad is married to another woman, and now has a baby.
Dad can continue to see her, do Zoom/Facetime regularly, and send the continuous, loving, consistent message that “I understand that you don’t feel ready to meet my wife and your new sister, and that’s totally okay. It’s your call. But Own-Inspection should not be expected to leave her own house with a 6 month old baby – that would not be fair to them. So we’ll continue to keep in touch and I’ll come over when I can.”
I know you guys are just trying to help OP and her infant child, but it doesn’t seem like anybody has empathy for the teenager who’s unfortunately had to go through a lot in her young life. Of course she doesn’t want her stepfamily around. I’d say that as adults, both OP and her fiance are the AH’s in this case. It’s the fiance’s fault for going off and starting a family with someone else while he has a minor child who needs her father. OP is the AH for getting with, and having a kid with a divorced father, and not thinking about how his children would feel.
This is a complication that comes from having children with someone who already has children.
Perhaps he could book an Airbnb and spend the time with them there. They could come and see you and the baby but would still have alone time with dad. You could all meet at a park and spend time and then they could go off on their own again. Seems like it could be a good compromise.
I mean they could literally spend time together, somewhere else,….. but asking you to depart your own home with a 6 month old child is preposterous.
NTA 19y age gap and he’s the immature one here. In what world is it acceptable to throw his 6m out for his 14y. 🤦🏻♀️ the audacity and it’s not even his house. Boy bye! 😂
Of course you’re not the asshole here and letting a 14-year-old kid make the rules is just dumb. I don’t understand why her request would even be entertained.
Also, it sounds like he’s got money, so why wouldn’t he just rent a room? That way, his 14-year-old kid can boss him around for the whole vacation. It’ll be fun!
The 14 year old is probably making difficult demands due to mom being in her ear. Dad needs to sit down and explain that he’s not leaving OP for an extended time due to her demands and they need to find a suitable compromise. NTA.
This 14 year old needs to learn some mad respect. She has no idea what it takes to raise a baby and in years to come will look back and realise how absurd a request that is. Your husband is an idiot for even entertaining it! If she wants to spend time with her dad, she can pipe down and do her best around you and the baby. Her new sibling btw!
Sometimes the kids aren’t in charge, how about that? The 14 year old should come because that’s the visitation agreement and the kid and the ex wife can suck it up. The husband needs to grow a pair and put his foot down about this. You are NTA.
He can plan a mini vacation with both girls for a couple of days at the end of the trip. They can get an Air BnB and have a blast. The girls are at your home for a few days and they have the private time with their dad to look forward to. Meanwhile, invite the older girl for a spa day with you sometime during the first part of the visit. The younger girl is welcome, but not required to go. If she sees her sister having fun with you, she might be sad she’s missing out on girl time and adjust her attitude accordingly. Your husband can have some time with the baby and maybe his younger daughter, while you and one or both of the girls get a spa day. Some fun for everyone.
This isn’t helpful but…Dang, you’ve got a lot you’re dealing with. And it sounds like you’re doing great trying to be a good step mom, good wife, good mom. Keep up the good work. NTA.
You are now a blended family. It is absurd that you and baby should leave, and it would be absurd if the father took her somewhere else for their visit. She needs to learn that this is the reality of life and she can be taught that in a very loving inclusive kind way.
NTA it is fine that the kiddo wants to spend time with just dad but that’s not fair for him to even ask you to leave for a week especially with a baby and it being your house. I can understand making yourself scarce when they are around like maybe you and the baby go to mommy and me classes or go hang out with your girlfriends during the day but you should absolutely be able to come home to your own house and put your baby in her bed. My (38f) wife (42f) has four kids when we first got together we had all of her kids ( 23 m, 18f, 17m, and 15 f) but we lost our living situation and had to send the 3 youngest to their dads in another state. The 17 y/o won’t come to visit but our girls do and they spend some time with me but I try to make myself scarce so they can just hang out with their mom. My wife would never ask me to leave our home
Why would you have a kid with an old man who lives in a different state than his kids? Does he have a custody agreement and established time with them?
Anyway, ESH.
You reproduced with a man who doesn’t even live in the same state as his kids, stop expecting him to put his children’s needs before his own comfort.
NTA.
He asked because you made all the other visits possible. My guess is you made all the accommodations etc. And did the planning.
You said no, and he can figure the rest out.
The youngest daughter is trying to drive a wedge and have a pick me moment. Don’t let her.
NTA! He needs to get his daughter in check. She can’t make demands like that. If he wants more time with his kids, he needs to make hotel reservations. Not have his current partner and baby leave for a week. And it’s not even his house?! The freaking audacity!!!
Are you okay with it if he goes to visit his child and leaves you at home?
This is his daughter trying to flex and manipulate as children that age do and he needs to have a conversation with her about it. There is no world where you leave your house with a newborn for the comfort of a teenager. She is setting up an unwinnable test where to prove his love he has to abandon his wife and kid for her. That’s not something that you entertain that’s something that you confront. Just because she’s not the youngest anymore does not mean you have to cave in to crazy demands. Wanting 1:1 time is totally acceptable. Within reason. Y’all need to nip this in the bud asap.
OMG. I thought this was one of those “my SO wants to travel for a week but it’s too hard for me to leave the house with baby” posts.
But nope. He is batsh*t crazy to have even told you she asked that. If he wants to do that he can go stay in a hotel with her. Or he could be a grownup and tell her he’s part of a new family unit that he’d love her to visit if she wants more than just one on one activities with him.
NTA.
Tell your fiance to rent an Airbnb for the week and he can CATER** his entitled, brat Daughter and his eldest Daughter can spend time with both of you if she wants.
Your fiance is behaving just as entitled as his youngest and I’d strongly recommend that you have a serious conversation with him about this latest unreasonable demand. Trying to kick you out of your own freaking house? The outrageous chutzpah of the man is truly hard to stomach!
I’d be reevaluating the relationship when you’ve got a 50 y/o man allowing himself to be manipulated by a teenager. And STOP contributing to these trips and spending money on the little beeotch! NTA!
NTA.
He can go rent an AirBNB if he wants some alone time with his daughters, but you won’t be taking care of your baby away from YOUR OWN home because the teenager has some ridiculous request.
Lmao these age gap relationships always make me laugh.
YTA and get what you deserve. Having a baby with a 50yo man??? Dude will be near 70 when the kid graduates high school. You both should be embarrassed
NTA, but OP NEEDS to STOP feeling badly for her ‘husband’. He put his youngest daughter above his wife and youngest child in a home that isn’t even his. That’s some disregard for his present family.
OP you NEED to sit down with him and put down FIRM boundaries. His relationships with his older kids are entirely on him, NOT you. He needs to do what he need to do elsewhere if that’s what it takes to be able to see them.