Relationship feels “off”, is this normal? 29F, 28M, 5yrs together.

For starters, our relationship has been rocky from day one. We have had our fair share of ups and downs, close break ups. We still managed to work through 99% of our problems and we would flourish during the good times.

We had a day that started this whole thing off. My fiance (28M) always felt like he was the one to initiate our intimate time. Where I (29F) always felt like our intimate moments always overshadowed every other aspect of the relationship.

Our day had started pretty normal, we were busy through the day with our children and didn’t have really any time. When they fell asleep, we layed down to cuddle, and he tried to initiate for intercourse. I personally didn’t want the first interaction of our day to be that, I wanted more quality time since we hadn’t spent the day together.

For him this upset him because of the fact he always felt like he had to initiate and that we would not probably have time later in the day. So for him this was the only opportunity we had. He also thought the way I said I didn’t want to have intercourse came off as callose.

I didn’t understand his thought process, and assumed he was only upset for the fact I didn’t want to have intercourse. Because of this, an argument followed. We were both upset, and are both terrible at talking when emotions get involved. The argument escalated to the point of him telling me to leave. I packed some stuff, went out with his mom to try and allow time to cool down.

At the same time, his male friend of 5 years had told him he was going to be coming into town and wanted to meet up. This has been discussed prior to the argument, but no solid plans had been made. This was their first time meeting in person.

After spending some time with his mom, i rented a hotel room for the night because conversation with him at the time was non existent. I knew he was going to be dropping one of our children off with his mom so he could go out, as I had the other two.

I worry about him, with us being in such a larger city. So around the time I thought he was going to be dropping our child off, I peeked at his location and noticed he was at the bar – which had been discussed prior to the argument that he was not going to go out to a bar with his friend – and right after I had seen this, he turned his location off.

I did say, that the next time I had gotten a hotel that I would be completely done with the relationship as this had been a thing that happened often. So for him, he saw me at the hotel and assumed that this was still the case.

I tried to call him, and ask him if we could talk, and also tell him that i was hurt that I had seen his location at the bar. Also to try and resolve the argument earlier in the day, but he was still upset and the conversation was not making any improvement to the situation. The phone call ended with me hanging up on him because he said he was going to just hang up, because I kept saying the argument earlier was just about me saying no to intercourse. Which now we know was a missunderstanding, at the time neither party was being listened to.

I stayed at the hotel, and we didn’t speak until the next day. While i was at the hotel, I had called my mom and told her I wanted to leave. I am in a different country to my parents, so for me to leave would require a lot more effort than just leaving a normal relationship if you dated within the same country. I told her that i wanted someone there with me, as again, I moved here and quite litterally have no one else other than my fiance and his family. They were traveling and wouldn’t be able to come, but my dad said that he could come when they got back but they would figure something out.

The next morning I had to look for another hotel room, My parents with the trip coming up in just a couple days, were unable to help finacially with the room. So they had asked my ex who they live with to pay for it, and he did. So i moved my stuff to the next hotel room, and after I had unpacked and got situated, my fiance got in contact with me and we had a conversation about the argument and the events that followed.

I had told him I still wanted time to think, I was hurt by everything and wasn’t ready emotionally to come back to the house. He said that was fine and would allow me time to think and process what I needed. He came to the hotel room a couple times while i was there, i invited him over. We talked some more, had intercourse a few times. In the end he left, and I stayed. He told me he got home safely and I fell asleep.

The next day he had called me in the morning to talk some more, but realized the constant communication wasn’t really giving me the time i needed to think. So he had said he was going to back off for a bit and wait for me to get into contact with him. So after this call, I sat in the hotel with the kids, and spent time to myself thinking. Around mid day I got a text from my mom saying that they had helped my ex get his way to my location.

I was a bit confused as to why this had happened, but he had made his way 5000 miles to get to where I was. He had come to the hotel and called me telling me he was here, and I came outside to meet him. He tried to hug me during our first interaction, but I refused. And we went inside to talk as the kids were still in the room. We had spent an hour at the hotel talking about the situation I was in (Not in depth but just that it sucked, and I wasn’t sure what to do). He said he would look for another hotel with better arangements for the children as the heat was bad in the one i was staying in, and he was going to try to find him something that was in a nicer part of town.

I told him I was going to pack up and head out to walk around in the meantime, and I packed. He had asked if I needed any help, and I declined. As I left the only thing I had asked him to do was fold up a cot that the hotel provided as I wouldn’t be able to go back in after I had taken the kids outside into the pram.

I left and he stayed to do that. I walked around for a while until I recieved a call from him saying he had found somewhere that would be easy for me to get the pram in and out as well. We met up and I walked with him to the hotel, we had talked some more about the situation, mine and his kids as we have two older children, his relationship, and the area we were around. He had said he needed a few things, and so we walked passed the hotel to see what shops were down, as there were a couple. I had asked if I could go ahead and check in to put my stuff away so I wasn’t pushing a heavy pram. We walked back to the hotel checked in and put everything away. He had left his stuff there as well, so he wasn’t dragging the suitcase around and he would look for a hotel when he got back. We walked to the shops, got him what he needed. He asked if my fiances kids or myself were hungry, and I said yes. We got food and went back to the hotel. He sat down to eat, and I was feeding my son. We had talked some more, and then when I was eating my food I had mentioned to him that I wanted to tell my fiance that he was here. Right after, my fiance had called me.

I stepped outside to talk to him, and he was crying on the phone telling me he missed me and didn’t want to break up. I was scared of what his reaction would be to me telling him that my ex had came and he was at the hotel, I assumed once he knew that he would be done himself. So I asked if we could meet up, He asked if we were actually breaking up, I answered, Yes, Due to me thinking he would be doneafter telling him about my ex,

He had called again to see if he needed to leave or if I was coming over to his place, and during this phone call, He had asked if someone was with me, I went silent, He asked if “He” was there, I replied yes and that this was the reason for the meetup so I could tell him in person and not over the phone, He was upset, Hung up, and blocked me on everything,

My fiance was upset that I hadn’t told him I was with him 6 of the 9 hours he was there, my fiance was with our daughter having a hard time about the space I needed and hurt, because I am assuming I didn’t care about our relationship and I asked for space and used most of that time talking with my ex.

We eventually talked through it all, with a mediator, his friend. And I went back to get my things, and came home.

Since all this the relationship has felt awkward. To me it feels like we aren’t meshing as well, and that there is an emptiness to the air. It has only been a week, but our communication is probably the best it has ever been, the time together is the most we have ever spent together, and all the previous problems in the relationship are minimal. I asked my fiance about this and he says he feels the same way,

My depressionhas also got way worse and I am feeling a detachment from him and my kids, He feels the exact same way.

This is our deepest argument emotionally, We are in a better place but feel worse in our situation,

Is this normal?

will this pass?

or

Will it get worse?

is this the end?

TLDR

We has an arguement, Got a hotel, Broke trust on both ends, Made up, Relationship feels different.