I will try to be as objective and unbiased as possible. Here’s the scenario.
My wife and I currently live a 19 hour drive from my family and a 12 hour drive from hers
We live in the south in a major city. We are both very unhappy in our current jobs. We are both no longer happy in this city.
We have a 1.5 year old daughter. We would like/ are trying for a second child.
We have previously discussed moving to a small city 2.5 hours from my parents/ 1.25 hours from my sister and her family. In this city we also have other friends, family, and other acquaintances
Pros other than mentioned: We really like the city size, what it offers for education and quality of life
Concerns are: colder climate with “true” cold winter, further from her mother
We have also discussed moving ~2-3 hours from her mother, unsure of an exact small city. We would know no one else in the area.
Pros: Being closer to her mother. Less harsh winters than other option. My wife grew up in this state and generally finds it “pretty.”
Concerns are: much less job opportunities, unsure of what city we’d actually be in
We’ve discussed this off/ on over the years. We have both looked at job opportunities in both areas and nothing has panned out. Recently, while discussing again, my wife suggested moving to the small city more near my family citing having our daughter close to cousins, grandparents, and aunt/ uncle. Also attracted to the cost of living and positive change in quality of life. I will be frank here, I have not at all pushed moving here because I know it takes us further away from her mother (would be an 18 hours drive).
After her recommendation we actually visited the town and had a great time. I checked again on her thoughts and with her approval I submitted applications to two jobs in said city. Both are amazing career advancement opportunities with a significant salary increase and improved quality of work life. I also applied to two other fully remote jobs. I was unable to find anything near her mother that would have not been a pay cut. Of note, my wife would like to find a fully remote job – which is feasible for her.
Both of the location-based applications I have submitted have worked out. I am in near-final interviews. We’ve started to get affairs in order to sell our house and have started to make plans to buy buy/ rent if needed, in the new town.
So, we told our families. Mine being unexpectedly happy with the decision. Her mother, not so much.
Now, here’s my question. AITA for applying to jobs and how successfully getting through the interview process and encouraging this move?
Her mother has been quite angry about this. She has accused me of almost coercing my wife in to the move. She has also said I’m just a money chaser and that it doesn’t matter we know people there. We can “make friends anywhere.” It has been mentioned I’m “stealing” her grandchild away from her.
I wouldn’t normally let this bother me as this is our decision but the acquisitions have really bothered me this time.
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I will try to be as objective and unbiased as possible. Here’s the scenario.
My wife and I currently live a 19 hour drive from my family and a 12 hour drive from hers
We live in the south in a major city. We are both very unhappy in our current jobs. We are both no longer happy in this city.
We have a 1.5 year old daughter. We would like/ are trying for a second child.
We have previously discussed moving to a small city 2.5 hours from my parents/ 1.25 hours from my sister and her family. In this city we also have other friends, family, and other acquaintances
Pros other than mentioned: We really like the city size, what it offers for education and quality of life
Concerns are: colder climate with “true” cold winter, further from her mother
We have also discussed moving ~2-3 hours from her mother, unsure of an exact small city. We would know no one else in the area.
Pros: Being closer to her mother. Less harsh winters than other option. My wife grew up in this state and generally finds it “pretty.”
Concerns are: much less job opportunities, unsure of what city we’d actually be in
We’ve discussed this off/ on over the years. We have both looked at job opportunities in both areas and nothing has panned out. Recently, while discussing again, my wife suggested moving to the small city more near my family citing having our daughter close to cousins, grandparents, and aunt/ uncle. Also attracted to the cost of living and positive change in quality of life. I will be frank here, I have not at all pushed moving here because I know it takes us further away from her mother (would be an 18 hours drive).
After her recommendation we actually visited the town and had a great time. I checked again on her thoughts and with her approval I submitted applications to two jobs in said city. Both are amazing career advancement opportunities with a significant salary increase and improved quality of work life. I also applied to two other fully remote jobs. I was unable to find anything near her mother that would have not been a pay cut. Of note, my wife would like to find a fully remote job – which is feasible for her.
Both of the location-based applications I have submitted have worked out. I am in near-final interviews. We’ve started to get affairs in order to sell our house and have started to make plans to buy buy/ rent if needed, in the new town.
So, we told our families. Mine being unexpectedly happy with the decision. Her mother, not so much.
Now, here’s my question. AITA for applying to jobs and how successfully getting through the interview process and encouraging this move?
Her mother has been quite angry about this. She has accused me of almost coercing my wife in to the move. She has also said I’m just a money chaser and that it doesn’t matter we know people there. We can “make friends anywhere.”
I wouldn’t normally let this bother me as this is our decision but the acquisitions have really bothered me this time.
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I am sure I’ve missed a detail in that background but will update as discussions evolved. Thanks.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) AITA as I’m trying to move us closer to my family than to my wife’s. 2) It makes me look like an asshole because it’s not going toward the direction of my wife’s mother.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You and your wife agree on this. I understand her mother being upset, but she’s being awful to you, suggesting your wife doesn’t have her autonomy in this. I would stay out of this and let your wife handle her for now.
NTA. You and your wife are doing this together. It was your wife’s suggestion. Just because your MIL accuses you of something doesn’t make it true.
Nta the only person who has a problem with the city you are moving to doesn’t actually factor into the equation because isnt moving.
Your wife wants to move there. You want to move there. MIL needs to get over herself.
And her response to this is another reason NOT to move closer to her.
Your wife needs to deal with her mother.
(You’re moving closer to wife’s sister, is she not family??)
NTA
NTA. You have to do what’s best for you and your family, and being able to financially support them should be #1 on the list. Finding jobs that are an advancement is fantastic, being closer to other types of family is just a perk. MIL will just have to learn to accept it.
NTA. Your wife’s mom is letting her emotions turn her behavior ugly. Her disappointment is understandable — her reactions are destructive.
Come up with a plan with your wife for how to address this. Example: Your wife: “Mom, I fully support this move. I need you to apologize for what you’ve said about OP and not speak that way anymore. I had been planning to talk to you about the possibility that we would like to cover plane flights a couple times each year since the distance between us will now be greater — more like the distance OP used to live away from his family. I don’t want to talk about that until your unkind words about OP have stopped, though.” And your wife may need to know that you have her back while she is being put under this type of pressure. And ideally she will have your back too.
You’re actually not that much further from her mom. And you’re not living your life for her mom. And if you’re US, we routinely drive 12 hours in one day to see family. And of course planes. And she can move. I don’t see people who live 1 1/2 hours away very often, though. It’s a long day. Need a good reason. You’re probably overestimating that visit frequency.
NTA. Maybe approach it in an arbitrary way – You apply for his and her jobs in your city of choice. She applies for both of you in her city. Whichever hits first is where you go. I bet you win
It seems that you and your wife have approached this situation as full partners from the start. (Kudos!)
It seems that your wife is on board with the plan the two of you have pursued.
Your mother-in-law doesn’t get a veto.
Let your wife deal with her mother; you’ve done nothing wrong.
NTA.
Honestly, it sounds like you and your wife talked this through for years, she even suggested the city near your family, and you’ve found better job prospects there. That’s not coercion, that’s teamwork. NTA man
NTA. Airplanes exist. Two of my children live 12 hours away from me. Another child lives 2.5 hours away, but is looking to move about 18 hrs away. The kids do what they need to do. Sometime I make the 12 hour drive, sometimes I fly. I honestly don’t see the closer child much more than the further children.
NTA. Which city has the best airport / most flights?
NTA. Your wife needs to tell her mother she made this decision with you. If you let her dictate where you live, you’re handing her indirect control over your career, your child’s schooling, and your household. Set the boundary now, or you’ll never be free of her grasp.
NTA
It sounds like your wife is on board with moving closer to your family.
How often does your MIL see your wife and child currently?
Is your MIL the only member of your wife’s family who lives in her city/town? Is she still working, or has she retired?
NTA.
It’s not like you were neighbours to begin with, her mother was 12 hours away (most likely flying to visit) and now you’re going to be 19 hours away (still flying to visit attract distance).
Now her mother could always look at moving closer to her daughter if she really wants to see the grandchildren more often.
NTA. As written, I get the idea that you applied to jobs in both areas and that MIL is upset that she is losing control over her daughter.
NTA but it does suck for the other family. My family is the other family. My brother moved closer to his wife’s family and we miss him and our niece so much but I just go visit every 3/4 months to make sure he doesn’t feel secluded out there.
My parents had to weigh the pros and cons several times when I was a kid, and it’s not easy but you do what is best for your family. You weighed it out and there wasn’t much positive to move near her mother. She’s taking out her disappointment out on you. Your wife needs to have a talk with her mother and explain everything and that she’s fully on board with the decision you made together. And she needs to tell her mom to stfu. NTA
NTA. This reaction would have me running even further away and maybe not sharing the new address.
NTA You have made this decision together and the move makes sense for your jobs AND you’re closer to family. I am not sure why MIL is so upset. You already live 12 h away. It’s not like you were next door and now are moving across the country. 1. Let your wife handle this-it’s her mother. 2. encourage wife to discuss future visit opportunities with her. Will she help you move into your new house? Watch your child while you unpack? Keep it moving forward and assure her that you will be visiting her in the future and that she will be welcome in your new home and this should work out.
Don’t let your mil’s attempt at manipulation stop you from doing everything in your power to improve your life situation for your child(ren), your wife and you.
The only opinion that matters in this life changing decision is your wife’s.
Mil can support your decision or she can truly be the grandmother you see less frequently. Her attitude will determine if you ate willing to maintain a long distance relationship with a visit to her every other year for as long as that works with your family’s schedule or, if she’s lucky, if her daughter can be bothered to give her a call for her birthday after any shenanigans.
NTA do what works for your wife and kid.
NTA — Your MIL isn’t making any sense. Before you both let your families know that you were moving, they knew where you currently live which is 19 hours from one family and 12 hours from another, so not exactly driving distance where you can visit regularly on the weekends or go over for dinner. However, if you move and get a higher paying job not only are you doing what is best for your family, you will always be more likely to be able to save some extra money to either buy plane tickets to go visit her or buy her a plane ticket so she can visit you. But if she would have things her way, you would move closer to her, take a pay cut and then you would be much less likely to drive the extra distance to visit your parents because you wouldn’t be able to justify taking the time off from work for a long road trip if money was tight, and paying for plane tickets for your family to visit your family or for plane tickets to fly your family out would also be harder to justify financially with a lower paying job. So I’d argue that your MIL is actually being very selfish and bordering on being TA for butting into a decision that she has no business being a part of.
NTA. Your wife suggested it. You both agreed. Her mom’s just mad it’s not about her
I’m a 60 year old grandma and I say NTA. However, maybe make a room for her mom in your new house? Let her know she is welcome for extended visits.
You wife should handle her Mom. You should not engage or respond to her.
Your wife should be handling this. For her mom to accuse of coercion? No ma’am.
19hrs and 12hrs are basically identical in that you are either flying or driving for two/three days.
Pick a life somewhere with family/friends nearby. And with everyone else so close you might be able to justify visiting her mum more often. On the other hand she sounds a little deranged so maybe that will be a good excuse to not visit.
If she likes her grandkids enough, she can move and find new friends near you.
NTA
N
I’m pretty sure that what you’re chasing is a better life in a place with more job opportunities and a whole lot of friends and family. Sorry, but your MIL sounds like a bit of a piece of work. She already lives a 2 day’s drive away from you; it’s not as if you lived next door and now you’re decamping to Mongolia.
Offer to pay for her airfare, train, or busfare to get to your new home city, so it will be easier for her to get to you after you move than it is now. If you can live though the visit, you wife-relocating, grandchild-stealing fiend. Then move and have a wonderful life.
NTA
NTA, but your wife needs to set the record straight with her mom. This was a joint decision.
NTA it’s easy to make light of money when you’re not the one at risk of not having enough of it. She is only thinking of herself. If mother in law cares so much, she can move closer.
Nta the difference between a 12 hour and 18 hour drive isn’t going to make a difference in how many times a year you see each other.
Funny how parents try to micromanage our adult lives. This is you and your wife making decisions together, seeing the bigger picture. I would tell my mother in law she is welcome anytime she drives over. She can even spend the night. It was nice to consider location in proximity of in-laws but life just didn’t work that way.