I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 year, and I was honestly planning to propose soon. But there’s one thing that’s starting to feel like a big red flag: she uses sex as a bargaining chip.
She frames it like she’s “doing me a favor” whenever I do something around the house or go out of my way for her. To her, it’s playful and “sexy,” but to me, it feels transactional and honestly kind of demeaning. I’m a grown ass man!! I can cook, clean, handle household stuff. I don’t want it presented like she’s sacrificing something every time we’re intimate.
I told her I think sex should be fun for both of us, not something handed out like a prize for good behavior. She insists I’m being too serious and that it’s just her “way of being flirty.”
Now I’m stuck wondering if this is just a mismatch in how we view intimacy or if it’s a big enough red flag that I should rethink the whole proposal.
So before I take the next step (like proposing), I suggested therapy. I framed it as couples counseling to make sure we’re on the same page and have the right tools before committing for life. She didn’t take it well she said it’s insulting and makes it sound like something is “wrong” with her.
Now she’s upset, and I’m wondering if I screwed up. AITA for recommending therapy before moving forward?
Comments
Therapy? Why? You two are a total mismatch. Don’t fuck up your life, dude.
Nta, I would also be turned off if sex was treated like a gold star or a lolipop.
NTA
Dump her, block her and never look back.
Anybody who uses sex as a bargaining chip is to be avoided.
NTA.
Have you explicitly told her that you don’t think it’s flirty or attractive, you think it’s manipulative and transactional, and it has the effect of turning you off?
Most women would hate it if a man said “I did the dishes, now give me some ass!” so why does she think it’s cool to basically pimp herself out in exchange for chores? Gross.
It’s not going to get better after you marry. Save yourself the cost and heartache of divorce and do it now
Narcissistic behavior. Run away and don’t look back!!
If you need therapy as this is a way she handles sex , it’s time to say bye , it will
Never get better. End it and maybe she won’t try it with the next victim
NTA.
Sexual, Financial, and Spiritual are all major poles in a relationship that you want to hammered out before getting married.
Take infidelity for example – where are the lines drawn. Physical sex, Kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips, Only Fans, Porn, Sexting, Trading Pics, Masturbation, Having Very Close friends of the opposite sex. Different people will say yes or no to difference situations. You don’t want to have a gray area where one partner says yes and the other no without a conversation – or it could leave to a very difficult situation.
NTA, too many red flags to be considering marriage.
I’ve been married to someone who used sex to punish and reward. It’s not healthy and you don’t want to marry someone who does that.
As for counseling, I don’t know. Her attitude towards sex is unhealthy. Changing that is going to require that she accepts it’s unhealthy, and that’s unlikely.
Sounds like you’re already married
Is all of the sex with her based on something you have done for her? Do you have sex with her that is not transactional too?
That red flag 🚩 🚩 🚩 covers a whole dang continent.
Have a conversation with her about it and if she still sees it as being flirty…..bounce.
It will only get worse with time. Either she needs to understand it’s not flirtatious or you need to learn how to say goodbye.
You are young, so I forgive you.
Even if you didn’t plan on getting married to this girl, you would see that 98% of young ladies use their cooter to manipulate men. Don’t get me wrong, they all do it to get what
” THEY” want, and we’re so dumb and whipped, we’re drooling and just go, DUH, OKAY. You’ll get to see it later, when you least expect it.
Dude – never EVER hook up with someone who treats sex as bargaining chip. That is a serious red flag screaming at you she has no capacity to have any real feeling for you and when, not if, the chips are down, she’ll dump you in a heart beat. Also highly probable if she meets someone who will give her more than you.
Move on.
How is that flirty? Tell her therapy is your form of flirting. Just because you say it…..
YTA that is who she is, this is who you are
NTA, but i don’t think counseling is the answer. good luck, though.
Your question was if you were TA for suggesting couples therapy before marriage. No. Idk anything about how she feels for real tho so I don’t think it makes sense to condemn her either.
It sounds like it would be a responsible and wise choice to get on the same page before making a larger commitment to each other. It doesn’t sound like you really understand each other’s wants and desires in this area. Couple’s therapy is a good idea.
Sex should never feel like they are doing you a favor!
Dude! If the woman isn’t at least hinting for a proposal, she ain’t feeling it! When a woman is INTO you, and you’re doing more things right than wrong, she wants sex MORE than you do! YTA, to yourself.
EWWW. As a woman I totally dislike the sex as a transaction vibe. That alone.. I guess maybe OK in some weird flirty way, but my real issue is her issue with counseling. It isn’t something wrong with her per say, it is an issue on alignment in communication and respecting each other. In general if you NEED therapy before even being married, I think the relationship is doomed. BUT some pre-marital counseling to have a neutral third party double check that you two have had ALL the compatibility discussions and also coach people through fighting fair can be seen as a good investment in your future.
In this case, if she won’t do good faith counseling with you, I would 100% not marry her.
NTA
It sounds pretty great to me but I’m a weird guy
Sex should not be transactional. Unless she is a hooker and you are paying for it. But then the relationship should be treated as such.
In a healthy relationship sex is something both people genuinely enjoy. And your needs should be matched reasonably well. It shouldn’t ever be withheld as punishment or dished out as a reward. I have gotten special favors for my birthday before, but it was still fun for the both of us and it wasn’t transactional in any way. Just slightly out of our normal routine.
Your GF seems to have unhealthy views towards sex. In my experience, those types of issues are next to impossible to fix. So you need to either be OK with it like it is, or run away. Personally I would run away. Life is too short to not be sexually compatible with your partner.
NTA but the biggest red flag is she’s not willing to work and find common ground.
Women are raised to believe that men want sex as a reward for literally everything. Took out the trash? Sex. Did some dishes? Sex. Made her favorite dinner? Sex. Folded the laundry? Sex. Any of that without being asked or told? Anal. So that part makes perfect sense.
When presented with the information that you actually don’t want sex as a reward for domestic labor, and want intimacy to be based on something that is actually intimate, she not only rejected your view but defended her own.
If I were you, I’d ask one more time. Lay it all out and tell her that if she refuses, she’s proving you two to be incompatible so breaking up will be inevitable.
Good luck, man. You sound like a solid dude.
Big red flag. NTA. Walk away now before you ruin your life.
“I dont like it when you do that, but you wont stop so im going to stop this relationship because you wont knock it off” NTA
NTA. Marriage and kids don’t make things better.
NTA if you dump her. Stop looking at the good parts of the relationship and look only at the fact that she is transactional about sex and refuses therapy. Don’t believe her lies about being flirty. This is not flirty—it’s scary. Please oh please OP the internet stranger, walk away from what is sure to end up as a dead bedroom marriage. You deserve better. Don’t ruin your future because your love was blind and deaf. Get out now before she gets pregnant and you really find out how bad things can get.
Don’t marry her.
Run. Do not walk. If you stay, you WILL pay.
Just don’t propose man. This will be a lifetime of pain.
Well…. that sounds like a horrible marriage. And no to therapy? So, she thinks shes perfect…. lol. This is kinda fucked, i know what I would do, or not do….
NTA but your GF is acting like a whiny woman-child. She dismisses you and makes out she is the victim. She is not ready to get married. If you are maybe you should move on to someone more mature. Good luck with your decision
NTA (kinda). therapy might be a little extreme. That’s a real conversation you need to have. Intimacy is not a one way transaction earned through good deeds. It’s each others physical desire to express your love and attraction
You should tell her that your way of flirting is enthusiasm.
I wonder how she would feel if she didn’t get porked, unless she did something for you. Maybe that’s what you should ask her.
Dude it sounds like she’s trying to be kinky in my opinion. Does she have any like “good boy” kinks in the bedroom or have y’all ever explored that side of the spectrum so to speak? Lol. Maybe talk to her about it in a way that’s respectful to you both. If she reacted like your treating her like somethings wrong with her for the way she’s initiating sex by using it as a reward system for something she may just deep down be into…it kinda reads like She’s maybe exploring a kink she’s picking up on or always had.🤷♀️Like don’t shame her if she is trying to find herself in that area but also you should never be manipulated or made to feel demeaned in anyway, unless your into that 😈😜I hope y’all can work out whatever the root of it is, and if it is a kink area tryn be open to exploring it with her before you completely shut it down. You may surprise yourself at what your second head may find appealing 😂good luck an hopefully she’s not just being shitty an manipulative✊🏼
I don’t think you did anything wrong, however, I would tell her if she’s not interested in couple’s therapy then she needs to stop using sex like some kind of bargaining chip or weaponizing tool… it bothers you enough that it chips away at your stability within the relationship. You would like to take this relationship to the next step but it cannot include her using sex in that way. That’s all I would say , and then the ball is in her court. If she stops her behavior great then I would propose… if she doesn’t i think that’s a sign that she has no value for your feelings and does not take you into consideration and that eventually, she’ll be withholding it as some kind of punishment when you do something wrong
Wait so…. You’re mad that she finds you attractive when you do stuff??
Where is the bargaining chip aspect???
Like it sounds like you’re just mad she finds you attractive when you’d rather be cleaning or something. It’s not like she’s using sex to bribe you into doing things for her or buying her things.
She just sees you being capable and finds it sexy and it makes her wanna get intimate….. You know that’s normal right? My bf just fixed an issue with a trip were going on and he handled it so well I’m probably gunna try to see if he’s down the second I see him next.
Being capable is sexy. It would be weird if she were demeaning you do things. But it sounds like she isn’t so what is the issue???
YTA but should probably break up with her if you can’t get over the fact that she’s attracted to you and wants to get intimate
Eta: wait I just reread your post and realized I missed the sentence that said she frames it as doing you a favor. Maybe just have a conversation and say you would rather hear that she just really finds you attractive right then and would want to have sex, instead of freaking it as a favor
Maybe you ought to flirt back and see how she responds. The one thing that most men misinterpret and misunderstand is that intimacy is not limited to the bedroom. So you doing all of these things is a positive that gets her in the mood. I would suggest you keep her and you keep doing what you’re doing. Because on the other end of the spectrum, there are men that aren’t getting any sex because they don’t know how to stimulate a woman’s libido way ahead of production.
It doesn’t seem like something you should go to therapy over. Therapy won’t fix your compatibility with each other. If you spoke to her about it and she shrugged it off and you still have issues with it then you aren’t really compatible. Marriage doesn’t make relationships stronger, quite the opposite. Small things become big things.
Nta, unless it’s like when someone uses “asshole” to mean a gullible person. Don’t marry that shit. Run as fast as you can.
NTA. I think your girlfriend needs help.
To offer another perspective, it might have something to do with self-esteem rather than manipulation or narcissism. Does your girlfriend have deep rooted insecurities about her self-worth? If that’s the case, it’s possible that every time you do something nice for her, she’s triggered by internalized guilt that’s founded on a belief that she doesn’t deserves anything good. The guilt is probably what makes her treat everything you do as a transaction.
And if she has a traumatic background, like perhaps an abusive ex, it would make sense for her to think that she only deserves to be treated well if she gives sex in return. If this is the case, you’re going in the right direction by recommending therapy.
NTA. My ex did the same. Pulled the asexual card later. Then basically I’m in /divorce_men on Reddit.
Nta your boundaries around sex need to be respected. She may not realize she’s coming off that way but I would be really direct about it.
NTA, however run. Using sex to manipulate a partner is one of the lowest power plays out there. Narcissistic disorder springs to mind.
I think couples therapy before getting married would benefit most couples. It’s a bit like talking to your bank before looking for a house.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone using sex as a bargain chip either. The biggest red flag for me though, is that she doesn’t take your concerns seriously and she’s not willing to work on the relationship.
I might try to have one last serious conversation with her before I make my decision.
🚩🚩🚩🚩. You are right about your feelings, about the therapy (couples or individual), and about not going forward until you feel comfortable with her behavior.
If she won’t go to therapy, you can still go by yourself to get answers to any questions you still might have.
Dude, do not marry her unless she recognizes this & changes. How many Reddit posts have we seen from people who have been living that misery for years & have kids with the person doing it?
This is who she is and how she is. This is what your sec life with her is and how it is! IT WILL NOT CHANGE!
Just leave
Call it premarital counseling.
And I get why her attitude squicks you. And it sucks that she continued to do it after you told her it bothered you.
You may need to lay things out very clearly for her. “I don’t like when you bargain chores for sex. It makes me feel like a john and that you don’t really like having sex with me. It’s really not a great feeling. I get that you’re kidding but I don’t like it.”
And “I think every couple contemplating a lifetime commitment should go through pre-marital counseling so that we are on the same page about important things such as finances, children – having them and raising them, career moves, extended family time, household duties, future goals, etc. There is nothing wrong with either of us but I want us to be fully aligned before we make our union permanent.”
NTA
Your gf doesn’t care how you feel about her manipulations over sex. That you find it demeaning? Too bad. It’s enough that she thinks it’s sexy.
Your gf is likely upset about therapy because it threatens her ability to have free rein to do and act as she wishes. But that’s what a serious relationship requires – compromise and also respecting what your partner needs & wants. That type of flexibility and consideration might be more than she’s willing to give.
Your gf is not receptive to what you want or to change. Your request for therapy is a good idea. But even if you can get her to go, she’s likely to deflect and react defensively and would be unlikely to see it through.
Her behavior over sex and lack of caring towards you is a huge red flag. The same is true of her resistance towards therapy and her reasons.
Anyone that has a negative view towards therapy especially as a partner or would be insulted by it is a big red flag that they aren’t open minded about learning, growing, and changing for the better.
NTA. Most of the time I hear about men bitching and moaning about their wife or girlfriend withholding sex when the actual reason they aren’t getting any is because she just doesn’t feel like it after working all day, coming home and doing all the cooking and cleaning, and then taking care of the kids while he sits on his ass and relaxes. That I understand, and for some reason, those men can’t grasp the fact that if they helped, they would probably get laid a lot more often. In your case, it sounds like you are pulling your weight around the house and in the relationship in general, and that’s what makes this confusing. If you are doing those things already, I’m not sure how she could consider it transactional. It most certainly isn’t flirting. I would be upset too if my partner acted like they were having sex with me as a favor for doing my normal portion of the chores or as a reward for trying to do something extra for them because it implies they don’t actually want to have sex with me. Also, if it’s still happening after you discussed it with her, it shows she didn’t give your feelings second thought. If she won’t go to therapy, I wouldn’t propose. I wouldn’t even stay in the relationship if it continues to happen because you shouldn’t feel like intimacy has to come with strings attached.
Run now!
Relationships are transactional, just usually not in an acute way. “Action for action”
But over the course of hours/days/weeks/months all of your interactions are adding or subtracting points from an unseen tally. That tally total is how they feel about the relationship.
When you said she used sex as a bargaining chip, I was expecting to see some pay to play. “If you don’t buy me this purse we’re not going to have sex for a month”.
Big difference between “when you wash the car, I get so turned on, let’s have sex” and “ok, you washed the car, so you get sex Tue night. Wed-Fri are still up for grabs so don’t slack off”
She’s using sex as it’s meant. She
Do you own a pair of running shoes? If so, put them on now
YTA real men don’t say transactional
What exactly is it that you feel is her using it as a bargaining chip? Sounds to me like she just wanted to bone and you gave her an excuse. Also every relationship is transactional, once you learn to accept that then it’ll be much easier
I actually think it’s an even bigger red flag that she was insulted by the prospect of couples counseling. Means she thinks everything is a-ok and she has nothing to learn or improve.
NTA. best wishes.
NTA – run my friend.
Hey, don’t rush into anything, okay? Wait a bit and see if things actually sink in. If nothing changes after a while, just let her go, man. Your sanity is way more important.
NTA. Couples counseling should be a non- negotiable. My husband and I did it before we got married and it was so worth it! If she refuses to budge on this, then you shouldn’t marry her. All those problems WILL get worse over time.
NTA If She’s manipulating you this much now, wait until you’re married. Trust your inner voice.
No therapy. Get out of this relationship
Nta. Sex is not a favor. Your partner should want you. I can hardly contain myself around my man cause I want him so badly all the time. If I wouldn’t get arrested for it, I would jump his bones in the middle of a busy road. Or a grocery store. Or everywhere. Honestly, I kinda don’t really care if I get arrested, I just don’t want to get him arrested.
red flag.
anyone that with hold sex as a form of bargaining is manipulation.
NTA. Just run dude. Weaponizing sex is not flirty or sexy.
This will only get worse from here.
If you’re seeing signs of this now, the worst is yet to come.
As sad as it is, cut your losses now and find someone who values you the way you value her.
NTA. That seems weird and manipulative idk that would creep me out and turn me off as well. Sorry you’re with someone like that.
You “can” cook and clean. However, DO you cook and clean?