For context, my wife and I tried our hands at an open marriage. We determined it wasn’t for us. One of the rules we had was to be completely honest with each other during it. Turns out my wife couldn’t bring herself to be completely honest with me about it. It blew up into a whole thing and we’re still working to recover from it and ultimately we closed our marriage again. I gave her one more chance to tell me about anything that happened during our time open. She swore she told me everything after I found out about the initial lie.
Fast forward nearly a week and we’ve closed our marriage again. After we finished laying out new “rules” for how to regain trust one of them was that we would allow each other unfettered access to our phones. Previously we had never gone through each other’s phones. I never felt the need to go through her’s and she never felt the need to go through mine. Well tonight she said something that didn’t sit well with me. I chose to exercise my new “right” to look through her phone. I found the conversation she offhandedly mentioned and I found a lot of…damning messages in it.
This is the same person who, while we were talking trying to reconnect with each other, during a vulnerable moment she prioritized responding to a text message over talking to me. I was sitting right next to her. I “mean the world to her”, “I’m her everything”, and she responds to him while I’m being vulnerable with her. I was already upset about that and I had spoken to her about that already.
Fast forward to today and I find these messages. I saw red. I was also eerily calm. I tried to talk to her about it. I broke down. I’m just so hurt. I haven’t felt loved or wanted or needed by her in months now. What made us think opening was the right idea I’ll never know…
Our conversation was interrupted by some other responsibilities but we’re going to talk later when we’re free up again. I honestly don’t know what to do or say when we do get back to the conversation. I want us to get past this. I just don’t know how I can trust her now…
Comments
Time to leave … opening the marriage never ends well
You’re a dolt for thinking an open marriage will actually work.
NTA
No excuse by her should be acceptable, sounds like your relationship is completely broken if this has happened twice in such a short time. Open marriage is never the solution to an already broken marriage. It doesn’t fix anything and actually causes more issues as you are seeing. Im going to go out on a limb and guess she is the one who first brought up the idea?
Can I try and clarify something? To me this reads that you opened the marriage and it didn’t work – but you two HAD started new relationships.
Then she messaged the new relationship to break it off because YOU are more important than anything but didn’t outline this specific conversation, where she chose you over them, and now you’re mad.
Did I read that wrong?
Back up your words. Time to be done!! She clearly doesn’t deserve any more effort from you. You gave her a chance and didn’t take it, then kept texting a rando. Just hell no!!!!
The marriage is dead when you think opening it up will solve things.
Your marriage is over. No way to repair it when your wife can’t be honest. She’s betrayed your trust multiple times, even after you gave her another chance.
Sounds like this marriage is more important to you than you partner. If she is not being honest with you, there is a very slim chance things will pan out!
NTA. But I wonder if you still would have felt hurt about her seeing other people even if she had been totally forthcoming. It sounds like you agreed to an open marriage despite not really wanting that for you or her, whereas she jumped at the opportunity to go meet other people. And even though it’s open, there’s still room for either person getting hurt despite agreeing to that arrangement initially.
So it may be the marriage has run its course, but at least this situation leaves no doubts about where you’re both at mentally which maybe paves the way for a cleaner break. Wishing you best of luck, peace, and healing whatever decision you make.
Your marriage was dead the moment you opened it.
NTA.
Simply, you ain’t loved.
If it’s her who suggested opening the marriage, 100% she’s cheating with the same guy before and hoping g to legitimized it. She only fuck him. She is satisfied fucking him more than you. Time to leave, have some self respect.
The problem is people try to use opening a marriage as a means to fix what’s wrong when it should only be used as a means to enhance a strong relationship where honesty and respect come first and both parties are 💯% on board.
Just curious whose idea it was for an open marriage?
Both assholes. Dumb ones. Neither one of you was smart enough to say no to this stupid idea.
😅😅😅I have no sympathy when this happens to people who agree to open marriage. Human emotions is something uncontrollable and collapse of marriage is inevitable
Sorry but your marriage was over when you opened it. Get legal advice and STD tested. I’m sorry
OP.
She wants her cake. She’s testing until she knows she can leave for sure.
Of course you’re devastated. I’m sorry for that. But you need to pull yourself together. No one wants an open marriage unless they’re already halfway through the door already.
Tomorrow quietly see an attorney and get your house in order.
Ffs, another open marriage gone wrong!! It’s just consensual cheating. All cheating = lies.
Stop with the talking. Its not resolving anything. She sees you as too weak to divorce.
Step back take a breath.
Always judge people by their actions not their excuses or promises.
Shes clearly emotionally bonded with her lover. And shes lying to maintain it.
In addition, shes proven she can lie to your face.
Must humans can’t live like that – but she can.
Now that she’s proven to be untrustworthy, you can’t believe:
I dont love him – lie.
Im not in contact with him – lie.
I was about to break it off – lie.
You can trust me – lie.
YTA for not leaving the first time. I never understood open marriages because someone will always get hurt.
Opening g the marriage is the death kiss to marriages. When one partner suggests it, it’s time to file for divorcd
Updateme
Open relationships aren’t for everyone,
and the simple lies beget bigger ones. My situation has been stellar, but we have that honesty.
How many did she fucked during the brief open period? And you had zero?
It’s not like you could have known that opening the marriage would ruin things. /s
I mean, you have a Reddit account and presumably see all the posts and whole subs that show how opening most existing relationships/marriages ends in misery.
Who proposed the open marriage
I’d say that most poly relationships or open relationships only work if they’re talked about as an interest or established since the beginning. And even then, I’ve seen/heard of most failing long term… The high majority of the time that it’s never brought up or discussed until you’re about to try it for the first time, it’s a mistake and will end the marriage. If a person never once had the mention of that lifestyle or interest then out of the blue wants to try it, I feel like they just aren’t ready to fully commit to a break up but wants to sleep with other people. Or have already and don’t wanna feel bad. Or have someone specific already in mind and just wants permission… Also… if you’re trying it just to try to “save” the marriage, “spice up” the marriage, or “salvage” what you can of it, that’s literally the worst solution to problems that exist. If you’re already having serious marital issues, sleeping with other people isn’t the solution lol good luck though man.
Sorry dude , if you open your marriage, you get what you get. Don’t be surprised when funky stuff happens. Grow up and take the hit or leave.
OP, divorce lawyer up now. You mentioned she was the one who suggested the open marriage? Well she probably already found someone and wanted an excuse to cheat without getting in trouble.
Rip the bandage off now.
You’re so vague
You probably think this response is about you
NTA
OP… i gather SHE suggested opening?? In that case, you need to consider she did this with THAT guy in mind… and possibly was already cheating before..
And if thats the case, possible shes not stopping…
OP… stay vigilant… wifey NEEDS to accept full NC with ANYONE she saw, while the marriage was ooen, and yes, block everywhere…
Continue you path – demand honesty.. but be clear with yourself what you intend to do when the unpleasant truth comes out…
NO ultimatums unless youre prepared to follow through.. setting an ultimatum and NOT follow through, with harm you in the long run…
And… i’m not screamin divorce, but… your wife is being shady as fuck… prepare – seek lawyer for advice and options… and to prepare…