My (20M) girlfriend (21F) enjoys sexual play that involves power and humiliation. During sex, she sometimes provokes me in ways that make me feel vulnerable or humiliated, and that turns her on.
For me sex is about connection, love, and validation. I’ve tried explaining how this affects me, but she downplayed it as “just erotic play” and said I should already know. She even called me insecure for “not handling vulnerability.”
I don’t want to lose her. When I expressed how felt our emotions were still running high we haven’t had a chance to talk it over with a clear mind.
How can I separate the erotic play from my real emotions? How can we find balance?
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Sounds unhealthy
Yeah this is not how kinky play should be and you should find someone who respects the way you feel. Im an avid kinkster, and the first rule is that everyone is happy
When it comes to sex everyone has the right to, at any time and for any reason, to stop. If your partner doesnt respect your decision to not want to do something then they don’t respect you as a person.
Consent is not just for women man. You’ve asked for a boundary and she told you she’s not going to respect it that’s probably why you don’t feel comfortable doing that with her to begin with. You need to decide if you’re willing to not be heard and your feelings invalidated just to stay in this relationship. I’ve been with women that have similar kinks and never once did they just RP without talking to me and letting me know what they wanted to try before hand
She really said vulnerability is the same as a degradation kink whaaaaat 🤣
You’ve set your boundaries and that’s the right thing to do. I’d say try talking again when you’re both levelheaded. This seems like a minor issue in terms of it being an easy compromise. If she can’t understand your perspective, you might want to consider that this might not be someone looking for long term partnership.
No, this is not how kink play should go. Telling someone who doesn’t want to be provoked in a way that the person doing gets turned on by — and then saying that you are insecure for not wanting that? She sucks at this.
Hard nope. She is utterly violating the first commandment of kink.
You don’t have to separate erotic play feelings from your real emotions, that’s not how it works. Kinks are supposed to play on your ACTUAL emotions in PLAY scenarios. You did not agree to play, so this is just bullying.
She has a degredation link, which she’s allowed to have, but she is NOT allowed to force you to participate. In the same way if you had a slapping kink, you can’t just slap her around to get your rocks off without her express and continuous consent and enjoyment. If you told her in that scenario that she’s just weak and can’t handle her physical vulnerability, you’d be a legit monster. She is doing the same thing to you emotionally and it is not okay.
Talk about it again in a calm, sex free environment and if she can’t agree to stop the degredation until you’re comfortable and consent (even if that’s NEVER) then she is not someone you should be allowing access to your body. You matter, don’t forget that.
The thing about kink is both parties have to consent to it. If you voiced you don’t like humiliation and she disregards you that is not okay. Just because she likes something doesn’t mean you have to. You voicing your discomfort should’ve been enough. She doesn’t get to basically tell you to get over it. You need to have a discussion with her and let her know this is a boundary issue. You do not like it, you don’t like the way it makes you feel and if she can’t respect that then maybe you aren’t compatible.
Run
Tell your girlfriend that she knows nothing about kink and that she needs to educate herself. She’s trying to bully you into accepting treatment that you don’t want, and that’s just fucked up. Plus, I bet if you did the same to her she would probably burst into tears.
Break up. You’re not sexually compatible and that’s a big deal. Let her find her own willing sub and you find yourself a gal you can enjoy banging without being humiliated.
Don’t put up with that stuff at all role-play insect fun is one thing but humiliation and stuff when you don’t want it is not a good thing
Okay, can I offer a middle ground?
For link play, maybe you need very heavy and clear scene cues and very tight birthdays and bookends.
Look up opening and closing rituals for scenes.
Look up options for signal /costume wear
If you create a tight enough container around it, that may work as a way to have it, but keep it from bleeding it other aspects of your sex life or regular day to day relationship
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is not how kink is supposed to work! It needs to be consented to by both parties, in advance, and you still have the right to withdraw your consent if it’s not working for you! Your girlfriend is being a jerk.
I need a better example of how she picks on you. It doesn’t make sense right now.
Any type of humiliation in bed needs to be approved by both people. Some men enjoy it, you obviously don’t. She knows you dont like it, and I get the feeling she enjoys that you dont, since it makes it all the more real for her.
You need to set a boundary that is clear and firm. “I do not like being humiliated in bed. Do not do it anymore.”
If she continues to try to shame you for not liking that, then she is not worth sticking around. Sex is already vulnerable, you dont have to be willing to be belittled to be considered “vunerable.”
Women can get addicted to crazy porn and this can be a result of that, they want to mix fantasy and reality. If you say NO that means NO
“I don’t want to lose her…”
Why? Do you enjoy being sexually humiliated? And don’t give me some bs how “otherwise our relationship is perfect”. The woman literally dismissed you and brushed off your concerns.
You should do some reading on sexual dynamics. I’ll save you some time. The only way to deal with a woman like that is to psychologically (or psychosexually, to be precise) overpower her into submission. The guy who does that will own her heart. Among other parts. You are not that guy.
Long story short – you are fundamentally incompatible. Staying with her will bring you nothing but misery. Don’t say nobody warned you.
The most important part of any relationship is consent and if you don’t give it, that thing doesn’t happen. End of.
Her attitude is gross and you should break up with someone who has no respect for your boundaries.
Why do you think you cant find someone who likes what you like?
This is not how it should be. She knows how you feel about it and if she loves you she would not continue to do this knowing how it upsets you. She’s being incredibly selfish and disrespectful by ignoring your boundaries. Love making should always be between equal minds no matter the kink. You need to put your foot down about this and demand the respect you deserve. If she won’t entertain that then I’m sorry but she is absolutely not the one for you.
Reverse the power. Take her doggy style and slap her ass real hard –
“You like that? Huh?”
Slap again, harder. Leave your hand imprinted in a cheek.
It’s a bold move. But I suspect she’ll love it.
Why are you trying to gaslight yourself into staying with a toxic abusive trash human? This isn’t erotic/kink play, it’s abuse. She’s gaslighting you and manipulating you. She’s entirely dismissing you and how you feel. She’s manipulating you so much that you’re on here asking us to help you be ok with abuse. That’s sick. Dump her and seek therapy.