I’ve been low income my whole adult life. I moved out at 16, I’ve been homeless and I have 5 kids with my husband. I recently started making enough $, by $400, to not qualify for food stamps which is a huge win for me, but put a lot of stress on our finances. I’ve also started investing in me by going to college (2 years ago) because husband has a disability and isn’t expected to live much longer. I wanted to make sure the kids and I would be set for if/when the worst happens. Husband’s parents moved to be closer to us and because husband’s bro was consistently moving in with them with his kids. His bro has asked for money a lot in the past and I’ve have no issues giving a few dollars here and there, even bought a hotel for a week once, but he blames us for stealing his parents. The Parent’s car broke down and it’s been on us to give his parents rides to doctors and work. It’s put us in a hole, but we do it. They won’t even help w/ gas (say they can’t afford it). I’m usually at work so I’m not there and husband can’t sit in a car that long from disability, it hurts him. It’s just been so hard. Now, I get great grades in school and because of that I’m getting an extra $10,000 in grant money and my husband was really proud. He told everyone that bc of my grades I don’t even have to take out a loan this semester. I was thinking of getting my own car with most of it and saving the rest for living expenses. We are STILL low income, just not as bad as we’ve been in the past. We also need a 2nd car because my classes are in person and my husband needs something for him and kids. It’s too hard on him to drive me, go home, go get our son, then go across town to get me. So, his dad got it in his mind that if we get another car I’d let him use it and that isn’t the case. The few times I’ve driven with him he’s hitting curbs and has admitted he can’t drive to see at night, but he wants to use one of our cars once we get it to do doordash. His bro, knowing we are getting $ has also been calling EVERY DAY THIS WEEK asking for money. I’ve been stressed bc I haven’t gotten the money yet and I feel like everyone else is trying to spend it. We still have our own needs but no one seems to care (car ac broke, kids need clothes). My husband will support my decision, but I also know it stresses him out for his family to be doing so bad. I lost it recently and told him I was done. My account is currently overdrawn by $550 and even though I know I’m getting money I just want to save it so if things happen we finally have a savings. I told him his parents need to figure it out with Uber and stop spending their money on stupid stuff because we can’t keep supporting three families on a $46,000 salary, especially since we aren’t getting food stamps anymore and have another bill. He agreed but he’s been all mopey, so AITAH for going off like that and refusing to help anymore?
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I’ve been low income my whole adult life. I moved out at 16, I’ve been homeless and I have 5 kids with my husband. I recently started making enough $, by $400, to not qualify for food stamps which is a huge win for me, but put a lot of stress on our finances. I’ve also started investing in me by going to college (2 years ago) because husband has a disability and isn’t expected to live much longer. I wanted to make sure the kids and I would be set for if/when the worst happens. Husband’s parents moved to be closer to us and because husband’s bro was consistently moving in with them with his kids. His bro has asked for money a lot in the past and I’ve have no issues giving a few dollars here and there, even bought a hotel for a week once, but he blames us for stealing his parents. The Parent’s car broke down and it’s been on us to give his parents rides to doctors and work. It’s put us in a hole, but we do it. They won’t even help w/ gas (say they can’t afford it). I’m usually at work so I’m not there and husband can’t sit in a car that long from disability, it hurts him. It’s just been so hard. Now, I get great grades in school and because of that I’m getting an extra $10,000 in grant money and my husband was really proud. He told everyone that bc of my grades I don’t even have to take out a loan this semester. I was thinking of getting my own car with most of it and saving the rest for living expenses. We are STILL low income, just not as bad as we’ve been in the past. We also need a 2nd car because my classes are in person and my husband needs something for him and kids. It’s too hard on him to drive me, go home, go get our son, then go across town to get me. So, his dad got it in his mind that if we get another car I’d let him use it and that isn’t the case. The few times I’ve driven with him he’s hitting curbs and has admitted he can’t drive to see at night, but he wants to use one of our cars once we get it to do doordash. His bro, knowing we are getting $ has also been calling EVERY DAY THIS WEEK asking for money. I’ve been stressed bc I haven’t gotten the money yet and I feel like everyone else is trying to spend it. We still have our own needs but no one seems to care (car ac broke, kids need clothes). My husband will support my decision, but I also know it stresses him out for his family to be doing so bad. I lost it recently and told him I was done. My account is currently overdrawn by $550 and even though I know I’m getting money I just want to save it so if things happen we finally have a savings. I told him his parents need to figure it out with Uber and stop spending their money on stupid stuff because we can’t keep supporting three families on a $46,000 salary, especially since we aren’t getting food stamps anymore and have another bill. He agreed but he’s been all mopey, so AITAH for going off like that and refusing to help anymore?
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> I refused to help husband’s family out financially and went off on my husband about it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTAH but your husband needs to set them straight. Your money is YOURS!
You are working extremely hard and facing being a single mother of FIVE CHILDREN for God’s sake!! WTF is wrong with people anymore?!
NTA
Oh good grief!! You are NTA. You have to say no, why are your kids going without for his mum, dad and brother to have things? Don’t be guilt tripped, and your husband may be stressed and ill but he is not the one earning the money to have to give it away. Look after you and your family. Good luck, and congratulations on your studies.
NTA. This is for your husband to handle. Also, he has to keep his mouth shut about money. They don’t need to know you have scholarships or any other source of money.
In fact, you should lie about receiving those funds. Tell your in-laws, or have your husband do it, that the funds fell through.
NTA you need to make sure you and your family are OK first before helping others continually. If nothing else if you don’t have cash to give, then you give nothing. No dipping into credit cards, or overdraw accounts, to help out others. If you all fall into a heap, you will be in a much worse situation & will never be able to help them in the future either.
NTAH – good for you getting yourself off food stamps. Don’t let anyone stop you from making a life for you and your kids – not even your husband. it’s your money, your achievement, you’re creating a future for your family – you are great role model for your kids.
Paragraph spacing pleeeeease.
Time to cut contact with a lot of people… and at the very least, cut financial aid for your inlaws
What is your husband’s family doing to help YOU? NTA.
NTA. Make it clear your grant money is for school-related expenses, including transportation. You’re doing the right thing for yourself and your family.
NTA
You have done so well! Congratulations.
What a pity your husband spread the news about your hard work resulting in more financial support. He is not very worldly wise.
You are perfectly entitled to put your immediate family first. Your husband should tell his family where to get off. But if he won’t, you must.
It’s outrageous that you are now in debt. On no account let your FIL use your car. He is unsafe to drive. And who would be paying the insurance?
But most importantly, you are considering getting another car because you NEED it.
You are absolutely NOT the AH! Your in-laws are however a bunch of leeches. They can smell loose change in the couch cushions from a mile away, and they are circling you just waiting for that grant to land. If you want to see any of that $10K, here is what you need to do: First, do NOT tell anyone, not even your husband, when you get that grant check. As soon as you do get it, go to a new bank, one that nobody in your family uses, open a new account, and deposit all of that check in said account. Don’t use it for anything other than a car for yourself. If the kids need clothes, take them to a thrift store. New clothes are an unaffordable luxury for your family right now. Anything left over can be a little cushion for the really, really hard times.
You need to realize that $10,000 is not that much money. It will be gone in a week if you start spending it on little treats for the kids, your husband, and yourself. Guard that money like your life depends on it, because it is a key to your future success. Do you have a specific goal in furthering your education? If you haven’t considered it before, please look into something called Career Technical Education. I think most states have something like this; the name may differ (look for the words “Career Education”), but the goal is the same: Teach students a career trade in two years or less, and get them into well-paid, high demand jobs as soon as they graduate. Included in this category are nursing (2-year degree), biotechnology, hospitality management, EMT, computer science, cybersecurity, and so on. Most community colleges offer this type of program, and it seems like it is tailor-made for you.
Good luck, and continue to stand your ground against your bloodsucking in-laws. They deserve NOTHING from you, and they will never appreciate anything you do for them.
Put the money in an account only you can access. I know it may be difficult because your husband will be angry and hurt but do it! There’s a very real possibility that he will give his family money without your consent if he has access. Don’t trust him to do the right thing when it comes to his family. If he refuses to financially cut his family off then you need to do it. No more rides. NO MORE. Either they support themselves or they’re homeless. It really is that simple. Tell your husband you refuse to subsidize his lazy family any longer because it’s hurting your family.
NTA, these are grown ass adults with their own two hands and brains to figure their lives out for themselves we are talking about here. You owe them NOTHING.
Your success is not their payday loan.
NTA leeches. They are leeches. They aren’t helping you at all. They are taking. If they are so broke the parents might qualify for Medicaid cab. Look into that. You don’t have any money until it’s in your account. You need to find out if your other scholarships will be taken away because your getting that money. With the government the way it is you could possibly lose it if you’re in the USA. Tell them alI your not getting as much as you thought. Tell his brother to get another job. I would open up another account in just your name so your husband can’t give them money. Also, never let his father drive a car he’s not insured on.
Definitely NTA
You’re right. Let them figure out THEIR own problems. YOU earned this not them.
NTA.
Your husband needs to shut his mouth about your and your family’s income, savings, general finances. You are not a Community Resource everyone can dip into whenever they feel like it.
Your in-laws can figure out their transportation issues for themselves, even their appointments and such. Public transportation is a thing! They obviously do not appreciate what you do and are acting entitled to your time, effort and services. Tell FIL that your car insurance does not and will not cover him, so it’s a hard no for him to drive your cars. Make sure there’s not a spare set of keys around for others to “borrow” and that your weak-spined husband knows the rules too. Honestly OP, if FIL kills someone while driving your car, YOUR family will suffer the financial fallout. Just say no.
You mention your in-laws work? Then they do have money and can figure out their lives without beggaring you. Do they believe they have “enough” money?- probably not, but you don’t either AND you have kids to feed and clothe.
Just stop with this handing over money to BIL willynilly. He’s a grown-ass man who can earn his own money without cadging from others constantly. Tell him to grow up and figure out his shit without involving you guys.
Start setting boundaries on all this now or it will only escalate when you graduate and get a better job situation.
And, consider putting together a spending plan with your husband so you both have a handle on your family finances, your bills, your responsibilities. It might show your husband that there is no extra money to slosh around to his leeching relatives without harming your own kids and situation.
Good luck, OP. And hugs to you in a frustrating situation.
NTA You are low income and your husband is disabled and you have FIVE KIDS. His able-bodied bro can get a job, take an Uber, get his own car, anything but pester the two of you for help you can’t afford to give.
NTA at all!!
I can’t even imagine living in this level of poverty and still feeling responsible for those leeches when you can hardly keep your own head above water!!
Your husband is a short sighted idiot. Just say no. Every cent you have is earned through hard work. And every one of those cents are for you and your own children. Not to the leeches in the extended family. Tell them to stuff it and don’t give a penny to them. And do not let your husband access to your hard earned money. He doesn’t help because he can’t. The least he can do is not to steal money from the mouths of your shared children you both have your first responsibility to, in order to fatten his lazy family!
My family would never do this to me. Your in-laws should be ashamed of themselves for expecting you to support them as well.
Amen sister, keep preaching it. Enough of this bullshit. Your money is your money for you and your kids. Kick those idiots to the curb..