I’m currently trying to conceive with my husband. However lately at night I’ve been starting to worry about having a child with special needs. I’m a teacher and see how hard it is, everything from physical disabilities to learning difficulties etc. it’s very hard on parents but more so, I’d never want my child to feel lonely, sad, or isolated as I know so many (especially kids with ADHD, anxiety, autism) do.
Of course, we would love them all the same and I know people can still thrive. But it is very tricky to parent a special needs child and I feel really guilty being so worried about it.
Comments
Can you afford genetic testing for the both of you to see what exactly is risky for you two? Are you and your partner on the same page as to what you would do if early in the pregnancy the fetus is determined to have certain traits? i.e. Would you both wish to end the pregnancy? No judgment from me here.
I was worried also when I first had my baby. Some thing that should make you feel better that as a reality you can never 100% know if your child will be disabled but the reality is more children are not disabled whom are born in comparison to disabled children! As long as you don’t have an unknown genetic issue you might be able to pass down to your child the odds are in your favor as most children are born without disability.
It is a real fear that everyone has. Pregnancy and parenthood is a wild ride, since you have no idea what will happen. There is a comprehensive test you can get a 9 weeks that can alert you to major chromosomal disorders. There is also a comprehensive scan at 20 weeks that will catch other things. Some people find out they have to terminate the pregnancy then (half-way) because the fetus has something that is incompatible with life. All you can do is take it one day at a time. But know that this fear is normal. And also know that parents of kids with disabilities love their kids to pieces, just as they are.
Hey, OP. Mad respect for ur honesty. Parenting’s no joke, esp. with special needs kids. But remember this, people ain’t born strong, life makes them that. U’ll step up no matter what. Guilt ain’t worth it. U got this, sis. Life ain’t predictable, live for the mystery! 😎 #StayPositive👊👊
The reason I’m children free is because I worry about this too. Having a disabled child is expensive, children are expensive anyway but if you have a child who needs a full time carer it’s crazy.
There are some things you can test for, so most genetic issues you could look into but then there are others that you can’t.
And when you’ve seen kids who have high special needs, it makes it more real when you think about the risks.
I have possibly two with autism(the 17 month old is waiting for a diagnosis) and my 4 year old is going into prek4 tomorrow. Autism is a spectrum for a reason no kid is going to be just a like. My 4 year old is very shy BUT makes friends with everyone lol my 17 month old is the friendliest kid on the planet the problem with that is he has no sense of stranger danger. I’m Audhd and’s know first hand the bullying that comes with it but so far my oldest has avoided that and is the most popular(in his last class he was and his new class will have 3 other kids from his last class)
It’s scary and at the same time a huge relief when your child gets diagnosed because it gives you a way forward. My kid has ASD and ADHD. He is thriving. I credit Early Intervention and all his wonderful teachers.
You and your husband can receive genetic counseling if you’re anxious about having a child with special needs. You’ll likely pay out of pocket unless you have an abnormal blood screening after conceiving. Insurance covered my genetic counseling because an initial screening showed a risk for trisomies. It turned out my son absorbed his nonviable twin and is a tetragametic chimera. I don’t know if there’s any link to his diagnoses.
Ok I was about to be mad, but I read that again and I kinda get you. You imagine your kid being rejected and sad, no mother wants that. You know a special kid will have special needs, and no one wants to be surprised with 3x the work on anything. (Don’t let any single disabled person you care about know this fear, though, we’ve all got one or more relative whose eyes wished us dead our whole life and thats all we can see.)
Every successful and socially well-adjusted person stands atop a pyramid of love and support. The disabled are no different. Watch the Temple Grandin movie, might make you feel better. If your kid is disabled, they have a community to rely on locally and they just need help finding them. Especially elders with their condition. I don’t know what I would have done if a fellow autistic didn’t tell me to look at noses when looking at eyes feels too intense (special ed is autism networking hour).
My father would use my meltdowns as an excuse for a smoke break. I would watch the tension rise in him, and watch it fall once we were outside. Sometimes I’d “start a little early” if I didn’t think he would make it. Pretty sure we both had autism and he was too proud to admit it. I think the world began one of those nights in the quiet, chill night air together. No words, just poking sidewalk worms and the occasional whiff of tobacco. The crowd bubbling, just waiting for us, like the world actually had time for me. We were a normal dad and a normal kid doing normal things; bonding and learning to cope with the world. We just happened to be autistic. And thats how it’ll be.
Much of the world is disabled or different in some way, and we can all find lovely places in it. It never has to get in the way of happiness. Eugenecists will sell you the lie that there are good genes and bad genes. Sickle cell anemia prevents malaria. Monocultures and genetic bottlenecks lead to inbreeding and mass plague death. Every gene is a piece of resilience against the unknown. Every mind is unique and capable of things only it can do.
Your kid will be special, supported, and loved. They will be clean and fed and safe as well as you can provide. If you believe that deeply, a disabled kid is just a kid. Different, but not at the heart.
The thing about having children is you have to be ready for anything if you have in your head that you only want a perfect baby boy. I think you shouldn’t have kids. And I’m serious about that to anyone who is dead set on only one gender only one type of kid only one type of life they’re imagining with that kid because that’s just not realistic. I did everything I was supposed to do I had zero caffiene I took real good care of my baby the moment I found out I was pregnant 3 years later it was apparent that he wasn’t exactly normal 5 years after that I had to wrestle with the idea that perhaps it would be better to try medication. The first psychiatrist was brutal she said ” he needs to be medicated and the sooner the better” I couldn’t believe that! I know plenty of adhd adults who aren’t medicated and who do fine. But its case by case I guess. Anyways this stuff it happens maybe you’ll have a perfectly normal child but disabilities can happen at any age your perfectly normal child could jump into a shallow pool or get into a car accident and become physically disabled. Your perfectly normal child could get so sick the fever harms their brain, and they become mentally disabled or your perfectly normal child could choose to do drugs one night with friends and become mentally disabled in that way. I think if you’re wanting to become a parent you have to be at least a little prepared for all outcomes. Children are born with cancer, sometimes you know? You’ll probably have a healthy child, you’ll probably get to raise them to be an adult who can function in society and make other people’s lives better, but having a child always comes with the risks and responsibility that you are responsible for them it’s a deeper commitment than marriage it’s bringing a whole person into this world and vowing that you’ll take care of them and guide them til they can be on their own if they can be on their own
I was worried and felt so guilty about it. I should not have. It seems like a natural human response to want a perfect kiddo.
My son was born a preemie, born medically complex and on O2 for the first 2 years of his life but is fine now, fights a feeding disorder (PFD, similar to ARFID), has ADHD, and while I wouldn’t wish our hardships on anyone, I wouldn’t trade him as he is now for the world! He is the smartest kid I know, he is 8 years old but at a 10+ year old math level, 9 year old reading level, and he is absolutely hilarious! He has the biggest heart ❤️. He wasn’t supposed to make it, and was saved many times when he was younger (by CPR, medical intervention, etc). He’s a living miracle.
He is our only child, partly because of all of it, but he gets 100% attention and love and guidance. My son is thriving.
ETA: oh and he makes friends so easily! He’s an extrovert with a ton of charisma, so he has lots of friends!
i know it sounds kinda harsh, but if you’re unprepared to care for a child with special needs, you shouldn’t play the genetic lottery. Adoption is always an option and I’m sure there are many lovely kiddos out there with good temperaments who need a good home. I myself lost the genetic lottery and despite my love of kids can’t see myself actually being able to a) carry one to term, b) use a surrogate with my own eggs for fear of damning them to a life of pain, or c) take care of them they way they deserve. I’m just not stable enough. This would be a great thing to go to counselling about and make sure you get a solid support system and action plan in case you do decide to have a child and it does have genetic abnormalities or mental health issues.
It doesn’t seem crazy to worry. The rates for some things are high. If you are a person that prays try that. Eat healthy. I have a theory that some ppl eat too little animal products. Take vitamins. Avoid smoking, alcohol and other bad stuff.
I have a theory that might be full of it. I am convinced neurodiverse folks are attracted to one another…Certainly true in my family. most were not noticeable until they start school, but with every generation the issues become more severe. In the past that was not true…neurodiverse folks often did not marry. if you have met old men in a monastery…whoa..so many are obviously autistic. Examine 18th century science geniuses…. so many were considered odd. Newton is a great example. there is no doubt he was autistic…and he never married. There were dozens like him. at Oxford and Cambridge, the highest academic honor was “fellow” and by accepting that designation…you agreed not to marry. many would be considered gay today , but many would be seen as autistic. I read as much 18th century history as I can find, sometimes including history in the form of novels. the historian Andrea Penrose wrote a series of books that were romance, murder mystery and history of science. fascinating little books. I found a bibliography for her work..major hitory tomes and have read several.
It’s completely natural to have those worries, especially with the experiences you’ve seen as a teacher. What matters most is that you already care deeply about giving your future child love and support, and that foundation makes a huge difference no matter what challenges may come. Try not to feel guilty for worrying. It just shows how much you want the best for your child.
Given the rates of autism (1 in 59 in the US) among other issues in children (ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc), it’s not out of reality to assume you may be faced with this if you have kids. Just prepare for it.
It’s a totally valid fear. Some of the stories by parents of special needs kids over at r/regretfulparents are just harrowing… Lives absolutely get ruined. It’s crazy, in some US states at least, how little support there is available for these poor people.
I have anxiety, depression, and adhd, and I suffer enough. I have a hard time understanding why people knowingly bring children with disabilities into this world. IMO… someone who terminated those pregnancies have wayyyy better morals and is exactly what I would do. I fear a child with disabilities as well. I’m not sure I could physically handle it with the psychiatric challenges I have myself :/
I wouldn’t worfy about it. I have learning disability and anxiety emotional disability. I still had a great life. I am 43 years old now. I graduated h.s and have a college degree. Just focus on being a good parent and love
It scares me so bad. I’ve seen it first hand within my family and it keeps me awake at night. I can’t talk about it with anyone. No one understands. They judge me. But the truth is I am not cut out for that and I know it. So it’s better to do anything I can to avoid it.
Yes, I can hear what you’re saying. But.. even if children are physically healthy, they have the capacity to become horrible people! Who make terrible life choices, or inflict great harm on others. Having a ‘healthy’ child doesn’t mean life will be all roses. Sorry to share that perspective but it’s true.
This is a normal understanding concern. A highly unlikely scenario. Keep busy. You are going to be so thrilled to see your baby.
If it happens, (highly unlikely)you will do what all parents do, learn how to manage and love them. ADHD is manageable.
I’m AuDHD and I want to let you know something: it is far more important to us as children that our parents are never ashamed or treat us differently or as unusual because of our differences than we are concerned by how those who are outside our home treat us. I am never as hurt by my coworkers or classmates as I am by my mother denying my disability or my sister for getting angry at me for my disability. One person who supports us outside our families is enough to offset 10 who condescend us. I don’t care near as much about the trainee who thinks I don’t hear or notice her badmouthing me behind my back after I spend hours training her as I do about my single coworker friend thanking me for helping her restore a document on her computer.
I don’t know if helps you to know that. But considering the concern you expressed about a special needs child being isolated, I thought it might. I hope it does help a bit at least though.
I’m also ttc and have similar but not identical worries. I have bad emetophobia (fear of vomit) and worry a lot about not being able to show up for my child when they’re sick or if they ended up being born with a condition that causes them to vomit often. The way I see it is we learn for the people we love. In my case im still ttc knowing pregnancy will likely make me sick so its step by step. You as a teacher work with special needs children every day and are still ttc so deep down you know you’ll be okay if they were born with additional needs
Everyone telling you not to have kids if you’re worried about this should pipe down. This is a real and common concern for anyone TTC.
Of course people worry about their children being born with different disabilities, that’s why people pray so hard for a safe and healthy delivery and baby.
You’re being honest with yourself and this forum, and those who get it, get it.