My 14 year old daughter asked me for Victoria’s Secret underwear today, and I told her no because I truly feel that they’re not appropriate for her age. When I said no she immediately told me that I “never let her do anything,” which isn’t true. I set boundaries because I love her and care about her. On top of that, I simply cannot justify spending 20$ on a pack of freaking underwear especially when we have other financial issues. She also has a history of self harming whenever she gets upset or doesn’t get her way. Today was no different after I said no she harmed herself because I told her no. Every time I try to enforce rules or tell her no she reacts by hurting herself. She has learned that self-harm can be a way to manipulate me and to make me feel guilty or to get her own way. It’s exhausting because I’m constantly on edge sometimes I give in because it’s easier to give in than deal with the consequences of me telling her no. It’s like If I let her get everything she wants to avoid an emotional reaction I’m not teaching her limits or coping skills. But if I set boundaries I risk her harming herself and She can be SO manipulative in ways that make it very difficult to tell her no. I even told her today that her behavior continues, I may have to consider sending her back to residential care for her safety. It’s devastating to have to even think about that but I truly feel like I’m out of options.
AITA for wanting to send my daughter to a treatment facility?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA i’ve dealt with sh its not a way to guilt trip someone send her off for a bit
I’m sorry. This is so hard. My quick reaction- are you in therapy? Because I feel you also are being victimized by her manipulative behavior and could use support and parenting advice. I can hear the stress and worry in your post. So yes to therapy for you and while I’m no expert, if she’s still harming, sounds like help is needed for your daughter as well.
NTA at all. I hope it gets better! <3
She absolutely needs therapy, and yesterday. YTA if you don’t make that happen for her.
Probably be for the best. Like no one with a healthy mind goes to straight to self harm to get their way. Probably a personality disorder of some sort in play? Best left to professionals to help . Keep your chin up and keep trying to do what’s best 🩵
NTA
Self harm is never the answer, even if it’s to get her way. You care about her a lot and make sure she gets the help she needs. And I agree that she is a little too young for VS, it really isn’t worth it, until maybe when you are older
One of my worst fears if I ever had kids. They will go to extreme lengths just to get the things they’ve been convinced that they need by outside influences.
Nta. Self harm over underwear… Inpatient therapy seems like a reasonable course of action at this point. At a certain point you need put yourself first for your own quality of life.
For the record 99 percent of Victoria’s Secret stuff now is no different than any other brand of underwear. Raunchy no longer sells, and they’ve had to pivot to comfort over sexy.
But no, you’re NTA if you think that she needs help from more qualified, neutral parties for a while.
It’s hard for me to read this because I self-harmed for over a decade. My parents didn’t know though. But it’s also hard to be hearing a young girl being referred to as manipulative if she’s self-harming. The only thing you can do is make her go to therapy. If she does it again, you need to have her go to inpatient care. If she truly is struggling she needs major help. If you think she’s manipulating the situation, she still needs help. You’ve reached your breaking point, age she needs professional help. I’m sorry you are both going through this. Sending lots of hugs and love. No one’s an asshole, you just need outside help for you both to be ok.
I don’t think her self harming is a way of her trying to manipulate you.
It might sound a bit morbid, but because she may feel that she has no other control in her life, maybe this is the only way she feels like she has control. Like she can try to relieve some stress and anxiety.
(I am not saying it’s healthy, I’ve self harmed multiple times from my teens into my twenties, it’s not fun or manipulative towards people when you do it, for people who do, it’s morbidly therapeutic and gives you some sense of control).
Also, I will say upfront saying to her that you’re considering sending her to a facility or “residential care” will only make her spiral even more.
I would suggest both of you get professional help. You have to do what’s best for both of you at the end of the day, even if it’s hard.
You’re the problem. A 14 year old with a healthy home life isn’t committing self harm
NTA, residential therapy is a huge step but a really worthwhile one, speaking from personal experience. i can’t imagine how much worse those behaviors will become in adulthood if not treated 🙁
Have her go to consistent therapy. Trust me, please. My best friend was diagnosed with bipolar.
NTA It’s fine to feel like your daughter is manipulating you, as long as you don’t say that to her or make her feel that way. This is something you bring up with her therapist. Maybe her meds aren’t as effective anymore or weren’t working so they need to adjust. Or the therapist can coach her through better coping methods. You probably should also get counseling to learn different strategies to deal with your daughters behavior as well. It’s gotta be tough.
She needs therapy – and so do you.
Your tone makes it sound like you have a lot of antagonism for your daughter.
Even your title – you aren’t talking about helping your daughter. You are talking about getting rid of her. If internet stranger can see that in your tone and word choice, you can bet your daughter sees it.
NTA, but as someone who’s a bit small up there, and most places don’t have much my size, VS is really oversexualized for just being normal bras, it isn’t overly sexual just because it’s VS
>I give in because it’s easier to give in than deal with the consequences of me telling her no.
Doesn’t look like it so far.
>I even told her today that her behavior continues, I may have to consider sending her back to residential care for her safety.
If your daughter is self-harming as a means of manipulating you, I don’t see how she would qualify for entering a residential care facility.
YTA. Get her checked out or follow the psychologist’s/psychiatrist’s advice, then tell her the consequence is still in effect. And don’t give in.
She is 14, maybe help her get a part time job so she can spend her money on the things she wants.
And get her some help, if she self harms she needs to be seeing someone.
Get her into a residential treatment program and get individual therapists for you both. It sounds like she may have a lot more going on than teen angst, and you need help navigating how to handle that.
Send her there.
Your problems are bigger than a reddit post. Your daughter is SCREAMING for therapy, and is likely challenging you in ways that she knows are not going to get her a “yes” specifically because she knows that you know she will self harm after doing so. You need to get her help.
NTA, She needs professional help, not Reddit help.
She’s at that tipping point age where she’s either going to start getting better from this, or much much worse. She’s not doing this out of depression, she’s using it to get her way, she needs help.
I think an important question to find the real answer to is: Why does she want sexy underwear?
Yes, extra help is needed. No, you’re NTA. But I think there’s something else going on you haven’t learned yet.
You need to tell her that cutting herself for attention when she doesn’t get her way is wrong.
Or she will end up always trying to be a victim in life because she will think it will get her things she wants
how aren’t they appropriate for her age? They make basic cotton bikini ones like Hanes.
Who’s going to see her underwear? Her and you because I assume you do the wash. Maybe she wants them because she doesn’t want panty lines to show when she wears pants. It’s underwear not some sexy outfit. And don’t come at me I’m I mom of 2 grown daughters and neither one jumped into bed with guys because they were wearing Victoria Secrets underwear. They’re now adults and mothers themselves.
Be very wary of inpatient treatment facilities for minors. The troubled teen industry is a multibillion dollar industry that abuses children. Go check out r/ttisurvivors before you decide to send her somewhere. Please
i’m not necessarily here to answer your question, but to tell you not to feel guilty for calling your daughter manipulative, as i know that can be a struggle among parents. when i was younger i was almost the same way, and one of the ways i snapped out of my behavior was my parents telling me straight up i was being a manipulative bitch. it’s okay to feel that way
INFO: Does she have a psychiatrist and psychologist?
Both of you need professional help
Sounds like you should also do therapy sessions WITH her and with a counselor involved on navigating all this WITH you
To preface this, neither of you are assholes. She is struggling to process and explain her emotions, and you are in a new, intense situation.
Im curious how many people commenting have firsthand experience.
I checked myself into a facility in college. My parents drove 2 hours to try stopping me but arrived as they were taking my phone away. I begged the receptionist to let me call my parents because they were downstairs. She refused and told me she didn’t believe me. That was my scared “straight moment”. It was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. A doctor overheard, believed me, and gave me his cell phone to use and get checked out. Worst 30 minutes of my life.
Inpatient is a last resort. Cutting may come across manipulative, but that’s usually not the goal. It causes a quick come-down from those hard emotions. They are dealing with crazy hormones as a teenager and she needs to learn how to process correctly. She needs a heart-to-heart plus some good meds.
Hiya! Former SH person here. Your daughter is likely going through a lot more than just being mad about underwear. For me, things would build up until it just got to a point where my underdeveloped teenage brain just had no more coping strategies, even the smallest thing would set me off when I was at that point. Talk to her, not about this conflict specifically, but about her life and try to piece together the whole puzzle. I’m sure you both will get through this.
PS: Victorias Secret is my wife’s preferred budget option because the packs are like 20 bucks. I don’t think they’re really the “sexy” brand.
$20? I think that was how much they cost for 4 or 5 pairs when I was a teen in the 1990’s. My mom bought them, they are just underwear and don’t show under clothes. You can let her know you can’t afford them right now, but it sounds like you said no with lots of judgement. On the other hand, her reaction of self harm is not normal too.
u/bot-sleuth-bot
I was a therapist at a residential treatment facility. These places can be abusive and make kids worse. Not saying that this 100% but some kids pick up more manipulative behaviors and other negative behaviors by being around other troubled kids.
It doesn’t sound like this is about the underwear as much as it is about the way your child reacts to no. She very obviously understands that her harming herself causes you distress and has learned that it’s a way to gain control of the situation. IMO this points to a larger problem in that your child feels she does not have control over her life and she is attempting to gain that.
Have you guys considered family therapy? It really seems like you both could benefit from structured conversations where you can both feel heard and understood.
Your NTA for feeling upset, wanting to keep your child safe. But, did you ask her why she wanted those specific underwear? If she bought them herself would you be upset? Again this seems to a bigger issue than underwear but you need to maintain open communication with your teenager or they’ll just do things behind your back.
Victoria secret has basic cotton in the Pink lineup. Although I’m well aware that isn’t your issue, but there may be some compromise since she is being bullied in gym class.
Whether or not to do residential treatment is a dual edge sword, as so many of those places end up being abusive or negligent or both. Be very careful about where you choose if you do go that route. And remember two things can be true at once, it can be manipulative and be the only way she feels she can manage her emotions with the release that pain causes.
Many hugs and prayers to whatever higher power you believe in. Having a child, even when they become adults, with mental health struggles is a long hard road. Make sure she gets the help she needs, but also make sure you get the help you need.
She’s not self harming because she’s malicious and manipulative. It’s because she’s in pain and doesn’t have anyplace else to put it.
You need therapy too. It’s a lot.
What she heard was that you’ll have her locked up if she doesn’t do what you want. You might ask her therapist about help communicating.
NTA 💔 please get her treatment; before she does something worse to herself 🙏
This is not about the underwear
as someone who had to go through treatment for SO many different things including self harm between the ages of 14 and 18, i can tell you from the bottom of my heart that sending her to treatment is the absolute right thing to do. don’t wait, the sooner you get her there the better, as this is a super unsafe situation for her. i’m sorry you’re going through this, but it can get better. good luck!!
NTA. And your daughter may want to listen to a song called, I Know Victoria’s Secret.
So you have money for a care facility, but not 20$ for underwear that will help your daughter feel like a self actualized person?
Coming from an 18 y/o girl – VS is totally over priced and unnecessary but you’re kind of weird for caring about what underwear your daughter has on. If it’s out of budget that’s totally understandable but if she wants a thong so her underwear doesn’t show through her leggings or whatever she should be able to get one with her own money. Nobody is going to see them anyways? If you’re concerned about that you have bigger issues. As for your daughter using SH against you or at all, especially over UNDERWEAR, she does need to go to a treatment facility. That’s completely abnormal.
Is she in therapy, if not that and family therapy would be good. I say this as a mom with 2 teens in therapy, in solidarity, no judgement
I don’t think the issue is about the style of the underwear, so recommendations for more age appropriate designs won’t get to the main issues here. This is a 14 year old, who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, self harms and is in therapy, who struggles with boundaries. The fact that she is adopted is likely to figure as well. It would be helpful if you could work with her and her therapist on a set of rules which she agrees to follow, because you have explained to her how you feel, and that both you and her therapist agree would be helpful for you both. This should be done when she is not in a significant ‘up’ or ‘down’ phase in her disorder. I think you should also have her medication reviewed as she is likely to be growing quickly at her age. In addition, if she does need some inpatient care, don’t see it as a failure. It’s treatment for an illness, just like going into hospital for a physical illness.
I would let her get VS underwear since you said kids are bullying her for the ones she has, but not the ones you posted a link to. VS has plenty of other more practical underwear.
You should be in family counseling, and you’d both likely benefit from individual support as well.
But you definitely need to see someone together to work through the relationship issues.
She doesn’t need a facility, she needs to be able to communicate exactly what’s wrong and have a parent who can engage in those conversations
Hi! Around her age, and even years before, I struggled with self harm while also on my medication and even in long-time therapy with someone I trusted. I also grew up around my father, who had severe trauma, CPTSD, and was also medicated for bipolar. I was exposed to this all very young.
Reading this, I don’t think she’s trying to be manipulative every single time. This is about more than just underwear, and this is larger than just a Reddit post. You shouldn’t be looking too much for advice here. This is serious. This sounds like more than just her, too— I don’t mean that in a way that’s saying you’re a problem. I think this is just something that’s not easy to handle at all and that both of you need desperate help.
She’s a child. I’ve read your comments about her disorder and her therapy/medication. That will not solve everything, and it doesn’t seem to be soothing anything at all. It also sounds like you’re thinking of using a facility as a last resort— which my parents did to me. When they no longer had any idea what to with to me. She sounds like she’s likely in pain, and with no control of her disorder, it amplifies it. I can understand you being overwhelmed or stressed.
Facilities are not inherently bad; but depending on the person, they could be traumatic or healing or a plethora of other experiences. If you plan on doing this, please please PLEASE research where you plan on sending her. Look at everything, and I mean everything. The worst thing that could happen is a grudge starting. You want your daughter to be safe, and it’s okay not to know how to handle it.
TLDR: NTA. You sound like you care about her, and you just don’t know how to go about this. I recommend that into therapy for either you on your own or both of you together. If she trusts her therapist, do not switch her out. You need to learn coping skills together. If you decide to send her to a facility, make sure double time that it’s trusted and actually safe for someone like her. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. Stay safe.
My daughter did this around the same age.
Do NOT respond to her self-harm with giving her what she wants. It enforces the behaviour.
Respond to it with help for her problem. Therapy/medical intervention.
My daughter would get taken to urgent care and have to sit there all day, then do multiple follow up appointments with therapists/clinicians each time. It only took 2-3 times before she realized she was not going to be able to manipulate me this way, and stopped.
NTA for taking the self harm seriously.
While you are waiting for treatment, react to the self harm as little as possible. Use the same strategy, treatment facilities will use if patients self harm: Take care of the injuries (if stitches are needed, take her to a doctor), but do so in a very calm way, as if you were putting a bandaid on a very small cut. Don’t make a fuss. Don’t discuss how she’s feeling and why she did it. Give this behavior only the necessary minimum of attention.
Leave everything else to a mental health professional.
“Sometimes I give in”
Not how that works! Ab so lutely not.
You beed to be consistent. If things can’t be done they can’t be done.
If you give in you lose credibility. Go and get therapy for both of you.
Your behavior is as much the problem as hers.
I’m a therapist and my gut check to hospitalize a youngster was always “to take the mothers temperature.” If mom was at the end of her rope, it was time to hospitalize.
What your youngster is doing now is no different than a kid trying to stay home sick from school to play on the internet. My rule if you are sick enough to stay home from school was that we headed straight to the doctor, and you had a quiet day in bed, no distractions and a nap in the afternoon.
My kids never missed school after those rules were set in stone. Stick to your guns. Her self harm is now a behavioral manipulation, and as such you should take yourself out of the equation so that the reinforcement no longer is given.
Stick to your guns mama, trust your gut.
If you are considering sending her back to a residential facility then I’m going to guess she has more issues than self harm, like suicidal ideation? Is she in any programs that can offer support?
What about locking up all the sharps you can find? No, it doesn’t stop the self harm, and it’s a pain in the butt, but from experience with my own teen who just got out of residential treatment themselves, it can help slow it down.
It’s so frustrating to have a child who both has mental health needs AND is willing to engage in these destructive practices for manipulation, I know.
Do you have support for yourself as well?
This sounds really hard. Trying to balance being caring and responsive to her trauma history but not allowing her to bully you and guilt you into decisions is exhausting and I’m sure feeling never ending.
Good for you for keeping her in therapy and being supportive of her work with the therapist and psychiatrist.
It will likely be near impossible for you to get her admitted to any kind of inpatient facility. There is such a need that there’s always more kids needing beds than space available so unfortunately unless she is actively suicidal or homicidal she probably won’t meet criteria. And if she’s smart enough to play adults the way she sounds, she’ll safety plan and agree to not self-harm, use her coping skills, agree to more therapy etc. anyway. She might be admitted for short term but it doesn’t sound like she’s in crisis so she would be in and out quickly with a focus just on stabilization, not long term treatment.
My suggestion is to 1- get therapy and an adoption focused support group for YOU. This is a long and difficult journey! And 2- look for an in-home mental health or family support type service. Depending on where you live, there may be some that need to go through an insurance referral, school, DHS, etc but many also take parent referrals. I’ve worked in multiple programs like this in 3 states and they can truly be life changing. The support workers are able to help with the day to day struggles and see how you actually function in your home. Of course there are some terrible and ineffective services out there but overall, an in-home intensive program I think is going to be a better option than looking for a facility.
You are NTA, you’re a parent whose frustration is maxed out and it’s clear this is not just about VS underwear but your fear for the impacts of her trauma on her relationships and decisions. Good luck 💜
You’re being weird and sexualizing her body as her mom…….you need your own therapy