I feel like she won, and I’m still angry about it. Do I need to get over this issue and move on? Is this even worth fighting for anymore?

I’m Sorry about any sort of Grammar/format issues, I actually typed this on my computer, but posted from Mobile, sorry if it messes anything up 🙂
My JNGma, who I’ve written one post about before, and I (21F) have not gotten along very well for years now. One of the biggest points of our contention is the fact that I do NOT like having my photo taken. My self esteem is admittedly very low, and I’m trying to work on that, but part of it is something specific about my face that I’m insecure about. I won’t be particular because it’s identifying, but it’s been a major thing for me since it developed in early middle school. I won’t lie, though, I dislike basically everything about my physical appearance besides a few small features I think are pretty.

This year, around Thanksgiving, she decided that she wanted family photos done. Not professionally, just a family member of mine taking them. With a lot of reluctance, I agreed to it with a few boundary terms, mostly for my dad’s sake. My dad is the only one who she even sort of listens to at all, and even that’s a fight on his end with her. It’s been like that for my parents’ whole marriage, and now he has to fight her on my behalf, because she never listens to me. Or comes to me with anything?? She won’t ever express her problems with me to me, just to my dad? I don’t know why.

Most of the boundaries I think I set about the photos were decently reasonable, at least compared to my outright refusal to have it done at all that I had for a while, Until I decided to do it for my dad and not her. But next to none of them were followed, at all, with maybe the exception of one. And that’s setting aside the fact that she decided to have us take them at like, 3 pm, when the sun was right in all our eyes, and I can’t look at the photographer straight on because of the light, well done there 🙄. Minor annoyance at best, but those little things build up. Most of Thanksgiving was, pardon the language, a Shitshow thanks to her anyway, and especially the two weeks leading up to it, where I was shopping for clothing for the photos, that was awful, and full of a lot of bad feelings towards all of it pretty much, including nearly bawling in a dressing room, that was not a fun time. I know that’s not really her fault, but that whole time was very stressful for me, and MAN she was not helping.

She had pushed it with me in May of last year, after forcing a photo on me after I Had just lost my dog. As in, put her arm around me and physically trapped me with her body to take the photo on her phone. I think I held a grudge for that during this as well.

My problem is that it’s been over 10 years of me fighting to keep this boundary in place with her, and 10 years of feeling disrespected by her and hurt, and now part of me, the angrier part of me, feels like she’s “won” in some way, with these pictures. For the record, it’s not just her that doesn’t get photos, she’s just the only one that’s been THIS mean about it, on either side of my family. The other part of me, now, is starting to feel really bad for my dad, and feels like I should let the whole entire Photo thing go, even with my feelings on it, for his sake of not having to fight her because she won’t come to me directly. I’m afraid to rock the boat with her, because she’ll make it everyone’s problem if I confront her directly, and this isn’t really anyone else’s business in this family. I’m just a bit lost on what to do, and tired of trying with her, because it feels like its sat stagnant for years at this point no matter what I do. Sorry if any of this doesn’t make sense, I tend to tangent when I talk. Advice is welcome, just, please be nice about it, I’m not in a good space with her and it’s become an increasingly sore subject with me.