I have a story and it’s true. I’ve never been on Reddit but I downloaded it tonight so I can finally talk about something I’ve carried with me for no goddamn reason the last 30 years of my life.
In grade school I was considered a dork. I wasn’t the dorkiest (that was J. Waldron) but I was only a few steps up the ladder. I had a few friends but I was pushed into lockers and had spit balls stuck to my back most days. That’s all ok now, in the end it made me stronger and helped develop healthy boundaries for bullies. Kindergarten thru eighth grade was mostly me on the outside wondering how I can say the magic funny words or do the great athletic thing that would open the doors to popularity. It was kinda sad and kinda lonely. So I turned to books and would escape in fantasy worlds and classics where the underdog would often “show them all” in the end.
During one of my deep nerd dives I discovered Shakespeare and , specifically, Hamlet. I fell in love with the language and read it many times over. So much so that I decided to memorize the “to be or not to be” soliloquy. I committed so much to it that even now as a 47 year old I can remember most of the whole speech. I kept it to myself and would rehearse in front of the mirror. Thank god there was no tik tok or instagram at the time because I’m not sure I could watch that time back.
I graduated 8th grade and in my town high school was 9-12 in a new building. I always dreaded moving to new environments and high school kids were adult and intimidating.
Sure enough the year started rough. I always wore the most popular clothes from last year and somehow always missed to memo everyone else got about the new thing. I was a poser and it was obvious. The first month of high school reinforced in me that this place would be no different. But, I was wrong.
As I walked down the hallway one day I saw a poster for this years school play. It was calling for auditions and open to all students. They were doing Hamlet. What the fuck!? I knew the whole thing in and out. I’ve never been on stage in my life and no real reason to have confidence that I could act but something just grabbed me and I found myself at the audition. I told none of my friends and none of my family.
When I got there I was terrified. There were mostly juniors and seniors and they all knew each other. Drama was not a dork club in this school. It was the cool kids. And chief among them was Dave Howley. This guy was easily the coolest most confident dude in school. All the girls loved him and all the guys wanted to be him. He had the grunge look but could make it look clean and expensive. He smoked cigarettes and ran track at the same time. To me as a freshman he was a god. I have an older sister who was already in high school and she had talked endlessly about the hottest coolest dude ever. Dave Fucking Howly. And here he is in the flesh also auditing for the play.
And so it went. Everyone was tasked to come forward one at a time and act afraid, then sad, then, happy, etc… when it came my turn I went thru the motions and left myself at the door. I figured if I was gonna do it then just throw myself in and forget about anything else. When I was done I looked back and Dave actually gave me a thumbs up! I couldn’t even believe it. Fucking shocked! Everyone finished and then the director said “if anyone has anything else they would like to share or say please do it now”. I looked around and no one moved. Maybe it was because I got a Dave thumbs up but I found myself raising my hand. When the director called on me I said “I know to be or not to be”. She looked surprised and said “ok, go ahead”
So I did. The whole soliloquy, and I didn’t miss a beat. She thanked me at the end and a couple of the kids patted me on the back. For the first time ever I felt accepted and didn’t want it to end.
A week later the cast list came out. Guys… they picked me for hamlet. The fucking lead role in the play! I was the first freshman in the schools history to get the lead and I had ZERO acting skills or practice or stage presence. (Dave Howly was cast as hamlets uncle… the other major male lead.) My life changed overnight.
Rehearsals were starting and I found myself surrounded by older kids with friends and girls and cars! The picked me up and showed me around and genuinely liked me! They had no idea that I was a total imposter and had no care at all that other freshman knew how awkward I was. I was in! And I even made them laugh! And , Dave Fucking Howly would walk up to ME in the halls and give me side hugs and say “this kid is awesome!” My sister was stunned. My friends were stunned. I was stunned.
And then came the day Dave asked if I wanted to hang out after school. Uh, fuck yeah I did. We took off in his car and went to his parents mega nice house by the beach. Laughing and joking the whole way. He had some weed and wanted to smoke up. I had done it once before and didn’t like it but I’m not about to say no. So we got really really stoned and walked on the beach and laughed at all the nothing.
You might be wondering what this all has to do with peanut butter and jelly.
Well, the munchies hit us both. So we go back to his house and he says “hey you hungry? We can make peanut butter and jelly”
“Fuck yeah man”
So Dave gets the bread and such and some plates and sets it all up. He hands me the jars and I put peanut butter on the bread and then grab the jelly and glob some on. This is not science. It’s a simple sandwich. I’ve made these all my life up to this point with no issues. But as I put the jelly on the bread…Dave changes. He grows stern and his energy shifted quickly.
“Whoa dude, that’s a lot of jelly “
“Nah it’s ok, this is how I make em”
“Uh… no” he says “ that’s way too much. You have to put some of that back “
I stared at him. Then smiled.
“Cmon, really?”
Dave, now clearly irritated. “Yeah dude, fucking really”
My world collapsed. Instantly. I mumbled “sorry” and started scraping the jelly back into the jar. I put almost all of it back as he watched. He just stared at me. No more smiling and laughing. An awkwardness sunk into the room and all the progress I had made as a “cool kid” drained away from my new found confidence. I was instantly the kid with spit balls on my back again.
We ate the sandwiches in silence and I remember the peanut butter being the only thing I could taste and even worse it was gluing my mouth shut cause the cotton mouth from the weed was already thick on my tongue. I don’t remember how I got home. I don’t remember anything else said between us. “That’s too much jelly, put it back” ringing in my ears.
Time passed and me and Dave didn’t talk much. He didn’t seem affected or that he cared but he also didn’t invite me out again. Because of too much jelly? What the fuck did I do? I was so goddamned confused but the show must go on. The play went well and I got applause and recognition and even got a girlfriend for the first time ever so I managed to distract myself from the awkward jelly incident and move on through school with more confidence. Later in that year my mom moved us to a new town so I once again had to start all over but the experience on stage and the popularity I gained helped build me up in confidence and I never fell to the very bottom of social situations again. Never hit the top either but I also didn’t want that.
So now… here’s the thing. For my entire life, and even earlier tonight, evertime I make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich I hear Dave Fucking Howly’s voice admonish me for how much jelly I’m using. Every time. This guy is living in my head and he does not leave and he seems to be there only as a fucking jelly conservationist. It’s still one of my favorite quick snacks so this is easily once or twice a week for thirty fucking years! And in my head he is still wearing his grunge bullshit with ripped jeans and a white shirt with some too clean flannel tied around his waist. Forever being admonished by an Eddy Vedder look alike over jam! It haunts me.
Sometimes I actually put twice the amount of jelly as I would ever want just as a silent fuck you to this phantom only I can see. But even as I eat it I hear myself agreeing and saying, that really is too much jelly.
There is no point to this story. There is no end to it as far as I can see. I do think I will cary dave to the grave. I might even write on my tombstone… “here lies Mike, just the right amount of jelly”
And if you’re curious, he is a real guy. I actually found him on Facebook about 7 years ago and sent a friend request. I thought I would tell him this story and see if he remembered or found it funny. But before I could he sent me a message. And holy Shit… Dave lost his mind somewhere along the way. One of my other buddies from back then told me that the rumor was Dave ate a bunch of acid and got weird after high school. I don’t know if that is the truth but I can definitely say he got WEIRD. The message he sent had no structure or continuity. It was absolute rambling and nonsensical. I didn’t respond right away cause I was trying to figure out what could even be said . The next day he started leaving comments on all my pictures and posts. I’m a professional artist now and he started giving critiques of my work but also saying weird shit like “I like horses” on a painting I did of some flowers. The next day there was even more and NONE of them made sense. I blocked him on the third day.
And now I have to cary Dave with me and I can’t get closure with him because his brain is jelly. I don’t let him hold me back and I don’t change how I make my snacks but he is always there and always admonishing me and maybe by telling this story I can effect one of you as well.
You use as much fucking jelly as you want. AND! For fucks sake do NOT scrape it back into the jar cause that is weird and gross.
Fuck you Dave.
Comments
Man, thanks for this. It’s exactly what I needed right now. All the baggage people carry around from some inconsequential experience that managed to etch itself in their minds.