Hello, I (18m) am a freshman at uni and there was this guy (19m) I thought I was befriending and his whole group. He even invited me to his dorm and we had great conversations on engineering and improving our infrastructure and roads, we talked about history and the impact of sociological issues for hours. We even took the train for the first time and headed into the city. I thought we had a ‘’connection’’ as friends. On the train he called his parents and they said hello to me and we chatted. He told his parents where I’m from, which is a very liberal city whereas he’s in the more conservative part of the state. When I hung out with him in his dorm yesterday night he began asking me pretty personal questions like if I’m straight or not. That stuff to me is pretty personal and I found it odd he was asking me when I never saw him like that. He kept insisting to know and I told him I am straight. He then said “Good, because I don’t swing that way.” He then began to talk about how he doesn’t want to be associated with anyone lgbt. That his parents were ‘’warning him’’ about me given that I’m from a more liberal city. He mentioned that if he could build a better society he would make anyone who outwardly expresses their opinions that he disagrees with to wear a collar that would shock them, conditioning them to not say those things and stop them from spreading corruption. In my head I was in total disbelief and shock. I quickly left the dorm and headed to mine. I was very angry. To me it doesn’t matter if someone is left or right. But I was also so sad, crying even. I thought this was becoming my go to person. To share ideas and innovations instead he showed me his ugly side and now I don’t hang out with him. His friend group has become cold to me. They don’t text me anymore to eat out with them. I’m thinking he told them how he felt like I was ‘’developing feelings’’ for him. When truthfully I wasn’t. Just because I’m nice he must have taken that the wrong way. Now I’m pretty lonely again and it hurts, I don’t understand how things went wrong really fast. Personally I’ve never lost a friend like this, someone I connected with so well. How do I move on?
On the bright side I’ve joined my uni’s robotics team and they all seemed pretty welcoming.
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The truth is, his reaction says more about his own prejudices and insecurities than about you, and losing someone like that isn’t really a loss, even if it feels like it right now. It’s normal to grieve the connection you thought you had, but moving forward means focusing on spaces and people, like your robotics team, who actually value and respect you. Over time, you’ll find deeper friendships built on trust and acceptance, not judgment.
This is the difficult part about making new friends. Everyone is someone different at the start of a friendship. I would even say you don’t really know someone for the first 6 months. I do feel bad for you but it’s the reality of meeting people at uni. People put on their best facade to make friends at the start because everyone wants a big social circle. It’s the place to have it. Once they get comfortable that facade slips and you see who is beneath. It’s up to us as individuals after that to determine if we want to carry on this friendship or not. The fact that the others in the group have gone distant with you without even asking your side of the story shows you dodged a bullet with him and that entire group. You’re still early days. Befriend your robotics club and go out and meet other people. You’re at probably the best time in your life to meet people and make friends. Don’t let this one bad experience leave a bitter taste
Honestly, it was never a you problem it seems. Just that your different people with different views. At the end of the day it would have come to light at some point. Moving on will just come in time, seems like you’ve already found a way to make some new friends so just keep going with that.
Most of us have been in your shoes, OP. You had high hopes that he’d become a good friend, since you shared long conversations on subjects of mutual interest. But those initially high expectations crashed and burned, as you learned more about his personal character and his attitudes about people.
You’ll soon find other friends who share your values as well as your interests, and the robotics team is a fine place to start. Who cares if this ex-friend has told others like him that he thinks you’re gay, and that’s caused them to shun you? IMO this is a case of the trash taking itself out. You know who you are and what you stand for, and you are far better off without these haters. Your college years will have many character-defining moments like this, and you will learn and grow by standing up for what you know is right. Over time, you’ll form lasting friendships with less closed-minded people. Good luck!
Was he your friend in the first place?
And here you have an example of how the bell curve applies to social beliefs. There are crazies at both ends of the LGBTQ and political spectrum.