Title. Im 29f, so is my bff. I was living with her when she started this rship with the guy last year, a 34m called Pete for the sake of this post. None of us knew he was married at first, he told her he was single and when it came out that he had lied (when her mom saw him at a wedding just after thanksgiving with his wife, dancing and making out) we all guessed it would be the end of it. We did makeover + girls nights, the works trying to get her out there and finding a better guy.
But after months of her acting mad and betrayed, now it feels like she’s rewriting history and trying to tell us all what a great guy he is again. AFAIK they’re not together, but she keeps talking about how hes planning on leaving his wife soon and theyre going to possibly give things another try. Shes talking about she might need to end her lease early and move out so she can move in with or nearer him. I hate this, and I hate Pete. Hes done nothing but lie to her and its now f-ing up my living situation with someone I used to love more than anything. Now I just look at her and get sad and pissed that shes not getting that this guy is a total user.
The hardest part for me is shes wasting good years here. I set her up with cute guys, we go out with friends and the whole times (yes even on dates) she talks about Pete. Shes a broken record and I hate what happened to my friend.
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So I can sympathise with both sides of this, and it’s a hard position to be in to watch it happening (and to be the friend lol). To put ourselves in your friend’s shoes:
Anger, in general, takes a lot more energy to hold onto than other feelings. It is EXHAUSTING trying to hold onto feelings of betrayal, mistreatment, etc. long-term. You end up looking for the quickest way to relief, which is often to start rewriting history and convincing yourself that actually maybe you also had some part in this, you were also to blame, it was just poor timing/circumstance/whatever. And that lines up handily with the other thing your mind is yearning for – to reconnect with your ex and reset everything to when you were last happy.
For you, this is obviously unbearable to watch. It’s painful to see a friend allow that kind of treatment, frustrating to see them demonstrate that there’s literally no consequence for lying, cheating, etc. My experience in these kind of situations (again, from both sides – I’m not immune to this thinking) is that there’s really little you can do to convince her otherwise. Logic won’t reach someone who’s longing that hard and whose thoughts are pretty securely tied up in this person.
It’s heartbreaking to see someone you care about so deeply stuck in a cycle of pain… but holding onto someone who’s already committed to another person isn’t just unfair, it’s a disservice to the future you both deserve, and it’s time to push her toward the life she’s capable of living without looking back.
I’m gonna by an ahole.
Your friend is the lost case. EDIT: I guess just be there for her so that she doesn’t completely isolate and that she has a person to turn to if/when things go badly.
Tell the wife – you will make a good deed by warning her about her husband being a cheating POS, and maybe you will even “help” your friend, if his wife kicks him out.
I know that I am not responding to your main problem, but really, all I can think about is his poor wife.
Sorry to pop your hope too early, but you can’t beat sense into someone at this phase of their delusion. The pull from the other side is way stronger, and i bet the guy is actively feeding her hope.
The best you can do is distant yourself so as not to build up frustration or resentment towards her. Keep your healthy distance while making sure she knows she has you as her support network if all fails.
If you insert yourself now, you will only damage your friendship from both ends. She will fight back and get annoyed at your effort of stopping her from self-destruction. You will get hurt and frustrated to the point that it’s only healthy for you to cut her off. Then, she will really lose the support she needs to get out of the abusive situation. That’s when she’s the most vulnerable to his manipulation.
People accept the love they think they deserve. Start planning your exit because your friend will only snap out of this when she wants to.
Whenever she says something good about him hit her with “remember when he lied to you about being married”, “your whole relationship he was also with his Wife, and still with her”, “ if he cheated on his wife he took vows with, what’s to stop him from doing that to you?”.
There’s honestly nothing for you to do. It’s up to her to move past it. I’d get a firm answer from her on the living situation though so you can plan your life accordingly.
These women can’t be told. Go and look at theotherwoman sub and see all of the women who are there who are still convinced their married man will leave when the kids go to college, and they wait 15 years, and then on no the wife is sick so they hang on till she’s better and then there’s financial difficulty so they hang on for that, and so on. It’s tragic, but they won’t come out of it until the man is caught and drops them like a hot potato.
you are to good to her, let her hit a wall a second time…some friend just need to be hitting rock bottom to understand their own situation…just be there to lift her up when she is a shell of herself….no cheaters will ever change for a side piece..and your friend is a very good naive side piece to this POS. good luck OP
You can’t save your friend. All you can do is to warn her about her choices, and be there to support her when this relationship inevitably fails. Sometimes support includes withdrawing resources, like, not setting her up on dates that you know she is not ready for. Some people just have to learn from experience to understand how they are their own worst enemy.
It’s heartbreaking to see someone you care about so deeply stuck in a cycle of pain, and while you can’t force her to let go, you can remind her that she deserves more than a life filled with regret and second chances for someone who clearly isn’t ready to commit, what if she starts focusing on what she wants instead of what she thinks she needs?
Tell his wife – if they are truly divorcing soon, then there’s no harm done. If not, then they will be soon anyway.
Also tell your friend that starting a new relationship built in lies and betrayal never works out very well.
Oof. “If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you.”
They are still together. Tell his wife anonamously , the sooner it blows up the sooner it blows over.
She’s probably a lost cause. All you can do is be her friend.