Hey, throwaway just for anonymity’s sake.
Me (25M) and my partner (26FTM) have been together for almost 10 years now. We fell in love in high school, and these days we live together in a room we rent out from my parents in California. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, but we’ve always worked through them and come out stronger. This time, though, it feels different like we might not be able to move past it.
About 3 months ago, my partner started talking to someone new (let’s call them Charles). They clicked right away because they both love worldbuilding and pairing their OCs together. They are also both very artistically gifted (Partner even makes a decent income doing art commissions online). Honestly, I was glad at first cause although I share those interests too, I don’t match my partner’s energy with it, so I figured Charles could fill that gap. Plus, Charles said they’re aromantic/asexual and not interested in anyone sexually, so I brushed it off as just a friendship.
But things escalated really fast. At first they’d call every few days, then every day, and now they’re on call basically all day, every day, even while my partner is working on commissions. There was even a point where they planned a 3-week trip together, during my partner’s birthday, Halloween, and our anniversary. I didn’t even know about it until I overheard them talking. Originally it was just supposed to be the two of them, my partner flying out, for weeks, alone. My involvement only came up after I asked about it and about 2 months before when this trip was suppose to take place. Then suddenly the whole thing got “postponed” after that.
This made me uneasy, so I checked their texts (we’ve always had an open-phone policy, though usually we ask). What I saw really hit me: “I love you,” “I haven’t felt like this with anyone else,” and other stuff about how quickly their bond had grown. That felt like the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I confronted my partner about it. Asking a lot of questions like, what even is this? Are we poly now? Is this some kind of open relationship? Do they want to leave me? My partner told me it’s a “platonic partnership.” I’d never heard that before, so I asked what it meant. They explained it as some kind of committed relationship that isn’t sexual or romantic, but is stronger than a friendship. I said that sounded more like a best friend, but they were adamant about calling it a partnership.
I asked if this changes anything between us, and they said no, so I decided to try and sit with it. But within a week, things escalated again. Now they say “I love you” on calls, blow kisses, and the art they make together, art of characters that they create has gotten pretty explicit. Personally that feel like that’s a line crossed as I feel like anything you create is something that is a part of you in a way. And all of this is happening while they’re basically on call all day, every day.
At this point, it really feels like I’m being cheated on, even if my partner insists it’s not romantic or sexual. I told them how uncomfortable I was with this “partnership” and how far it’s gone, but they didn’t take me seriously. They kept saying “friend” didn’t feel right and “partnership” was the only word that fit. No compromises, no acknowledgment of my boundaries. So I gave an ultimatum: if they’re going to keep prioritizing this partnership, I can’t be with them.
That finally made them talk to Charles, and now they’ve “severed” the partnership label, for now, and are using other terms as work around, not a real bullet proof solution but I suppose a step forward. Also unsure about the de-escalation of affection between them will be followed through, guess I have to wait and see. My partner is clearly upset and I can feel resentment coming from them due to this.
So I’m stuck here wondering: AITA? Am I just being insecure and jealous, or are my concerns valid? I feel like what I’m asking isn’t unreasonable I’ve been with them for nearly 10 years, and they’ve only known Charles for 3 months. Should I have just waited till these strong feeling between them faded or was it the right call to bring this up?
I’m supposed to be talking to Charles soon, so I might update after that. We’ve talked only once briefly about the trip and the initial classification of “partnership” so I honestly have no idea how that’s going to go
Comments
NTA. Asking your partner to respect your feelings about their close relationships is reasonable. Your concerns aren’t jealousy, they’re valid.
This is an emotional affair given a “cute” name so as to not look as bad. I would not consider this behavior to be appropriate with someone in a committed, monogamous relationship.
Watch these messages like a hawk or leave. NTA
NTA. Your partner is having an emotional affair whether they acknowledge it or not.
You love your partner. At the same time, you express that love by trying to restrict the number of people that they love.
Your love restricting how much love your partner can express goes against that old saying that love is not jealous.
If you love your partner, their happiness should elevate you.
YTA
Your relationship is over. Sorry.
What your partner is doing IS a form of polyamory, and they went about it in an unethical way. Just because someone is asexual doesn’t mean they can’t have feelings, and it’s clear that the term “partner” matters to both of them.
They are having a new relationship. Saying “I love you” on calls, blowing kisses, creating explicit art together, being on call all day, every day. That’s NOT platonic.
Personally, I would have a hard time staying in this relationship because it took a “them or me” ultimatum, and I’d never really trust them again. They’ve only known Charles for THREE months and they were already planning to do a 3 week trip together during the period that covered your partner’s birthday/your anniversary?
Your partner sounds like they’re ready to monkey branch to Charles. They’re doing an extremely emotionally intense relationship with each other.
Yeah platonic partnership is just a stupid term for cheating. That’s what it is, they’re cheating.
This isn’t going to end well. You either tell them to cut the person out of their life, or you leave, OP.
Even if they convinced themselves that this isn’t romantic/sexual (Making art of their OC characters hooking up basically sounds like sexting to me) planning a 3 week vacation that overlaps with your anniversary is incredibly thoughtless and uncaring. It kinda shows you how much she values your relationship with each other.
NTA,you are being emotionally cheated on,did you guys discuss opening the relationship, or did they they do that behind your back?
NTA, your partner is lopping you into something you didn’t agree on. As soon as “partnership/partner” came into play they started to become more than friends and started a relationship. your partner also doesn’t seem to actually care about your feelings or concerns.
You’re now part of a relationship that has 3 people and only two agreed to it while making you the bad guy for your feelings and concerns.
while you’re focussing on the term “partner”/“partnership”, it sounds like the problem is more the connection between your partner and Charles, and the fact you have been excluded and eclipsed. After you’d voiced your concerns and discomfort, your partner should have ended their friendship with Charles, not just rebranded it. I know you have spent your entire adulthood (and more) with this person, but they aren’t treating you with consideration or respect. I would suggest couples counselling, but realistically speaking, this outsider thinks it sounds like your relationship is over and your partner doesn’t want to pull the trigger (concerns re acceptance as a trans male? convenience of living at your parents’ place?). I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but you might need to just end it so you can maintain your self-respect and find someone new who truly values you as a person.
There’s a reason it’s called emotional cheating instead of physical…either confront them, have them cut off all contact with couples therapy or leave.
NAH.
Your partner has found something that far too few people ever experience, which is platonic love. It can be a confusing thing, although I suspect it’s easier when the platonic partner is aromantic and asexual. Not everyone is comfortable being in a romantic relationship with someone who has found a platonic partner, though. In fact, I think that you’ve been more understanding than many, maybe most, people would be.
I don’t like ultimatums, and normally I would say you were the AH for that. I’m letting that slide, though, because I think the overall situation deserves my response and not just that one part. I do think ultimatums are AH behavior, though.
I doubt your relationship is going to survive. You clearly aren’t comfortable with the platonic partnership situation, and it’s caused resentment and distrust, which is hard to overcome. I don’t think your partner is likely to give up this friendship, though, because such a close platonic relationship is so rare. I think that’s largely because so few people are open to them, or often mistake that sort of platonic love for romantic love or sexual interest. Unfortunately for you it may be easier for your partner to find romantic love elsewhere than it will be to replace the platonic partner.
I hope I’m wrong and I hope the two of you are able to work things out. Your partner has found something wonderful, and if they can manage to keep that and their romantic relationship with you they are lucky.
Remind us in 3 months or less when you catch them cheating.
Updateme!
Your partner is having a full blown emotional affair. She can try to call it whatever she wants, but at the end of the day she’s simply cheating on you. Do you really want to stay with someone so callous that they would act this way with another man and not even stop to think how their actions might negatively affect you and your relationship?
I mean seriously, she was planning to spend your anniversary with another man without even telling you!
This sounds like an emotional affair. He is cheating on you with charles, even if it isn’t physical. Don’t let yourself be treated like that it’s absolutely disrespectful!
Updateme
They cheated on you even if this wasn’t physical (and again just because they told you that he is ace). You were put second in your relation and you know it. NTA your partner is a AH and I doubt they would have been happy if you were saying ” I love you” to a dear friend of you…
Leave, they are cheated and it’s clear he don’t want to put a stop to it
NTA this sounds fucking exhausting and I would absolutely leave
NTA I wouldn’t trust your partner anymore and I wouldn’t be comfortable with him having a friendship with Charles. Your partner was putting another person onto the same level as you. Your partner cheated on you with Charles.
NTA. Plenty of people have incredibly close friendships that transcend ‘traditional’ friendship boundaries. My boyfriend and I have a really close friend that’s at the point where at least one of us is talking to him every day and we make jokes about swapping partners or dating him and his boyfriend. We’re all really emotionally close.
The difference here is that everyone involved (me, my boyfriend, our friend, and his boyfriend) are comfortable and aware of the dynamics of our friendship and that we all have certain boundaries that we don’t cross, and that’s why it works. There’s nothing inherently wrong with very close friendships or ‘partnerships’ in theory.
The issue here is that your partner is explicitly crossing the boundaries of your relationship with each other. At the end of the day, you brought your concerns to your partner and they are refusing to acknowledge it/make any real compromises aside from a language change. By the definitions of your relationship with your partner they are emotionally cheating.
I really wish you luck OP with sticking to your boundaries in this and not backing down to keep the peace, and not compromising yourself to keep your partner happy.
They are cheating. Just leave. That’s enough.
If you have to check their messages and look over his shoulder – the trust is gone. Without trust there can be no healthy relationship. And of course there is no trust you never actually came together in a shared understanding of what is going on and what it means to each of you. He is cheating on you. He has a second relationship. Think about it – if you two stop having sex.. does that mean you are friends? Another question: what is another word for couple? Is it.. partners?
He feels resentment towards you for getting in between him and his partner.
And youre ok with him continuing this relationship because of the specific definitions they use? Because he isnt calling him his boyfriend but still effectively treats him as such and feels for him as such?
NTA, you just described an emotional affair. That is still cheating.
You’re in a monogamous relationship. That means if your partner wanted to add a partner of their own they should have had a discussion with you about things.
Because that discussion never happened they are emotionally cheating on you. They’re continuing to emotionally cheat on you under a new name. For this to even have a chance of working out your partner needs to cut off their affair partner and focus on your relationship. Your partner is neglecting emotional intimacy with you because they’re giving it all to their other partner.
NTA, no good partner plans to go on a trip with someone of the opposite sex alone, and especially not during such important days like you anniversary. Full stop. She has been emotionally cheating, and this trip is likely to become physical.
If she goes, dump her. Leave all her crap outside in the yard for her return and she can find somewhere else to live. Hell, do the same if she doesn’t cut off all contact with him one day when she leaves for an errand. Change the locks. She’s scum.
NTA this was cheating dressed up with a cute name. It was a violation of your trust and a disregard of your feeling. Considering the resentment. A platonic partnership is still a prioritized relationship outside your relationship that warrants a discussion of boundaries and comfort levels. If you are strictly monogamous then your partner having this intensity of partnership with someone else is a lot to take on without any discussion
NTA!!
It sounds very much like emotional cheating!
What your partner is doing is basically having a boyfriend that he had labelled as something “innocent”
Tell him exactly that he is resenting you for feeling uncomfortable and hurt that he is basically cheating on you emotionally. This is not a friendship! This is a relationship!
A queerplatonic relationship is still a relationship. Heck, my queerplatonic relationship is so thoroughly a relationship that we got married and have a kid together. We may not stare into each other’s eyes or go to sex clubs or whatever it is that allosexuals do in their spare time, but we are partners in life, which is the most important part of being in a relationship.
If my wife were to have another queerplatonic relationship with someone else, and I wasn’t okay with it AND fully kept in the loop the whole time, then it would be cheating.
So yeah, being ace is not a get-out-of-infidelity-free card.
It’s a very terminally online sort of relationship people in fandom spaces often have and it’s wrong of them to not take your feelings into consideration. It may be normalized in these spaces but that doesn’t mean you are going to understand or be okay with it. Nta.