I’ll preface by saying I’m 31M, wife is 27F, SIL is 34F and Niece is 15F.
My SIL is low income, working part time in retail and has her ex husband and mom paying her bills. She wants to use her tax refund that she set aside to go on vacation.
She invited us along, obviously to help subsidize the trip, and wants to get an Airbnb together. Didn’t really ask if we wanted to, just assumed we would because my wife is usually down for stuff like that. I’m not a fan of traveling with them. They’re just lazy, complain the whole time, intrude on plans and then claim they’re too “broke” to pay for anything (in an attempt to manipulate and then not pay us back).
Anyways, I received a promotion about a year ago which more than doubled my salary and put me over $100k a year. I live in Ohio so it’s pretty huge for us being in a LCOL area. My wife makes $60k as well. No kids, but wife is pregnant. Not bragging about money at all, just sharing because it’s relevant. Prior to that we had traveled with them once before just to share costs, back before her divorce and when I was only making $40k a year several years ago.
My SIL and wife were brainstorming vacation locations when SIL said it would be split 2/3 since “you and your husband will take 1/3 and I’ll pay 1/3, it’s only fair”. She was pretty much shooting down every suggestion my wife had too and wanted to go where she wanted to go (somewhere that doesn’t require much walking, basic beach locations which I’m not a fan of either).
My wife said “yeah, no thanks, not happening”.
Niece said “she’s a single mom! Why would you expect her to pay half?”
At this point I chimed in and said “how are you going to invite us on vacation and then tell us we’re paying for most of it? If that’s the case then why wouldn’t we just go without you and pay for the whole thing ourselves, so we can go where we want, when we want and do what we want the whole trip? I don’t need to have my trip subsidized by someone else, I’m at a point where I can afford to take my wife and I where we want.”
I was called an “asshole” after saying this and “oh great now we get to listen to him brag about being rich” but it’s just the truth. I don’t NEED someone else to share costs to afford it, so why would I when the arrangement isn’t ideal?
My wife took my side but she’s had other family members reaching out to complain about us “bragging” and “hurting a single mom when she’s down” or “why don’t you just pay for the trip and help your sister out”.
Comments
NTA – her being a single mom isn’t your fault or problem!
NTA, if SIL wants a subsidized vacation she needs to accommodate
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NTA …. SIL is childish and entitled.
NTA…Why don’t they all pay for sister’s trip and help her out? Oh no? Then tell them where they can put their opinions.
How does sister get that you and wife pay for two thirds? There are four people. That makes payment for a quarter per person. You pay for you and wife and sister pays for her and her child. The child is a person.
No one has to do everything together all the time. You could each do separate things. But, oh, then sister would have to pay for what she and her daughter want to do.
Will not listen to ideas about locations? But, expects others to pay for her wants?
Yep. Money has nothing to do with going on vacation with your SIL. Asking, instead of expecting you guys to pay for the majority are two different things. Expecting that you and your wife get no say in anything on this trip is also another reason not to go.
The others state that you are bragging about your money. No, but you are not letting someone else tell you how to spend the money that you earn.
If they don’t mind doing that, then they all can go on vacation with sil and her daughter.
NTA.
The person who invited someone else on vacation just to get them to cover more than their fair share of the costs has no leg to stand on in this situation. Her intentions are transparent and now she’s throwing a fit when you called her out because she’s facing the reality that she’s going to have to actually pay for her own vacation.
If family is calling you an AH for this tell them to pay for SIL’s vacation and leave you guys out of it.
ISH. Not wanting to pay for 2/3rds doesn’t make you an AH, but how you told her that is borderline. Also, I’m assuming 15N is coming too, so who is paying for her portion?
SIL, enjoy your vacation, by yourselves.
We’re out.
Family can step off. I’m assuming they blew up your phone and took sides?🙄
It didn’t need to be said quite so bluntly-just the last sentence really. But, a dude can only be pushed so far. Tease the bull, get the horns.
NTA. Stay strong in this or you’ll be floating her till you die.
NTA just scrap the idea and you and your wife go where you want and enjoy doing your own thing. She sounds selfish and entitled, also her daughter is 15 so it should be split 50/50. Updateme
Is the SIL expecting to share a room with her daughter? If not they would have 2/3 of the rooms while paying 1/3? Same with food, it’s still 4 people.
NTA. She and her daughter are half the people on the trip so it’s SIL’s responsibility to pay half.
When my youngest sibling wasn’t working and we were doing stuff as a group, the other siblings would split the bills equally (and I would still help pay their share when they were just starting out), but they would NEVER suggest something crazy expensive and expect the rest of us to cover the bill.
You should have stopped at “when we can go on our own trip where we actually want to go and do and see what we want”. Of course her expecting you to subsidize the trip is insane. It doesn’t need to be said. You had a hundred other valid reasons to say No.
NTA. Things would even be different if her daughter was a child – but she’s not. Both of these girls are old enough to work and contribute to a vacation – or choose one within their means!
No. It’s one thing to go on a trip and it be equal input…but you’re basically funding the majority of your sil’s trip to be miserable.
I’d have just said honestly…sorry the plans aren’t something we enjoy and we feel it is a lot of money for something we don’t want to do. You and niece go and enjoy yourselves and we’ll do our own thing.
NTA – tell anyone who reaches out to you that THEY can pay for her vacation. I bet they shut up then.
NTA, she’s a leech and is grooming her daughter to be just as bad. They just don’t like being called out on it
This single mom has been “down” for 15 years.
At some point she needs to take responsibility for herself and her kid.
Her kid has heard the excuses so long, she thinks it is a life style choice.
Sound like your wife didn’t enjoy the trips with her sister any more than you did.
NTA
NTA, They can’t be offended you acknowledged being able to vacation without them while also expecting to use you to fund their own vacation.
Yeah, don’t travel with them. Let SIL downgrade her expectations and go somewhere she can afford.
NTA
Of course she went to family to air her side. A one sided story is just that a story.
She wants a great vacation subsidized by others. Almost every family has one.
You’ve been honest but a bit of an asshole the way you presented it. I’d simply tell her, “Look…you make it difficult to want to go on a vacation with you because you keep pushing to do exactly what you want, you complain about everything and continually play the “i’m broke card” and expect us to pick up expenses along the way. The bottom line is you aren’t fun to go on a vacation with so no…we aren’t planning on subsidizing your vacation. It’s a bitch to be broke but if you were fun to be with and tried your hardest to make it fun for everyone we’d much more apt to consider it.” that may end your relationship or it will cause her to think about her behavior but somebody needs to tell it like it is.
NTA. I would just tell her “we have different visions about how we want to spend our vacations and what we want to invest in them. Since they don’t align, it’s probably best if we take separate trips this year”. Am guessing she cannot afford to go without yall
NTA. She invited you then tried to dictate terms and make you cover most of it. Thats not how invitations work. If she wants a trip she should plan one she can afford not expect you to bankroll it. You were honest without being cruel and your wife backed you. Family guilt tripping you is just them wanting you to subsidize her lifestyle. Youre about to have a baby and your money should go toward your family not a beach trip where you are miserable.
NTA. I’m a single mom with LCOL and median income – I have travelled more than most folks I know both with my kid and solo (while kid stays with trusted family). Maybe she should figure out her budget better. Being a single parent isn’t as hard as some folks think, it’s freedom to live life on your own terms with a super side kick. Like yesterday (Sunday) we had fun driving weird country roads for medieval weapons training. Life is what you make of it, and negative energy draining folks can imo go live far from me.
Even if SIL didn’t come up with this BS split of the costs, I would not waste my precious PTO, hard-earned money and vacation enjoyment on travel companions who are: “just lazy, complain the whole time, intrude on plans and then claim they’re too “broke” to pay for anything (in an attempt to manipulate and then not pay us back).”
Husband and I traveled with difficult travel companions a few years back. Never again! Plan your own vacation, just the two of you, and create wonderful memories you can look back on years from now.
NTA
NTA. Do not go on any vacation with her. This is straight up manipulation.
Congratulations on your promotion.
You deserve it. Not her. YOU. You put in the work to get it. So, it does not belong to her. It belongs to you for you to use for YOUR family.
Nta. Just don’t go with them.
NTA. Do NOT go on vacation with them.
NTA. Just because she’s a single mother doesn’t mean you have to give her things.
If she’s spending her entire tax return on a vacation I’ve seen this story play out many times, and it usually ends the same way. Once she stops getting money from the ex she’ll whine to you about how hard life is, bills etc and try to bum money. Later on down the road when it’s time for her to retire, since she squandered those fat tax return checks on BS like vacations and other splurges she’ll expect family to save her and give her a place to live and contribute nothing.
Don’t focus on the cost. Focus your responses on not going on a vacation that doesn’t fit your desires and needs.
NTA
Why don’t they just pay for her vacation? 100% never vacation with them.
Your SIL put herself in that situation. Probably not the marriage part but her money management skills. She clearly can’t manage her own money and is showing her daughter the same habits. She could put money aside to work for her but instead wants to blow it on a vacation she can’t afford and then gets mad at the obvious. She could do much better, but her victim mentality is not allowing her to move forward. Single mother or not, there are plenty of single mothers, strong and intelligent women out there making ends meet, putting their money to work because they want a better life. Your SIL loves her champaign taste on a beer budget and wants to stay there letting her older mother and ex pay her bills.
NTA
SIL needs to realize she can’t depend on other people’s wallets.
Niece needs to stay out of adult conversations.
Wait…so split the costs 3 ways? For FOUR people (I’m assuming your 15 year old, which is considered “grown age” per travel rules, is going, too). Nuh-uh. If 4 big people are going, 2 people in each party, then the bill is split half and half. You and your wife know damn well that you’d be shouldering wayyyyyy more than 50%. Her being a single mom is not your responsibility. She needs to take her tax return and use it wisely, not blow it on a vacation.
NTA and I’d be going LC since SIL is a mooch and she’s grooming her kid to be a mooch, as well.
Updateme!
If others are paying her bills..why is she going on vacation. I’ve either your means. The entitlement is over the top.
Get a better job or use the money for an education to get a better job.
I would not take a vacay with your sister…
Forgot to add: Since the other family members are so keen on paying the full vacation ticket for the SIL and niece tell them they are more than welcome to do so to “help her out” because you will not be.
Nta-truth hurts but know what I don’t understand? Why does every AH seem to have a contingent of flying monkeys? Every.Single.One.