How to tell my friends (37M) girlfriend (27f) that he cheated?

r/

My friend since elementary school (37M), has a wonderful girlfriend (27f). They live together. She is fully expecting marriage and children, they’ve talked about it, they’ve looked at rings.

I found out that he’s cheated on her, more than once, and this is the final straw for me. He’s always been on the wild-er side, and had some girlfriends along the way but none this serious. I always half-joked, you’re going to be alone forever because you have a problem with commitment. We all thought he turned a page, realized the opportunity to build a life with a great person, and finally settle down. But now I’m just thinking he’s just a scumbag at heart.

The stakes for his GF are very high – is she going to waste her 20’s on this man? This is her first serious relationship, they’ve been together almost 4 years, and she’s made it very clear that she wants marriage and children.

Before anyone says: sounds like OP like’s her. I’ve been married 11 years, two kids. I look at it through the lens of someone doing this to my daughter and his friends covering for it. I don’t want to be a part of him robbing this poor woman of the opportunity to find a man that does love and respect her.

If you were her, how would you like the information delivered – anonymously, or directly?

Edit – fixed for clarity

Edit 2 – I don’t have proof without involving another friend who was there. Complicating matters. Now, I was there earlier in the evening, I saw the way things were headed, I even pulled friend aside and told him to chill with this other woman. Then I went home, the cheating happened after I left.

Comments

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  2. BuddyInevitable638 Avatar

    Either one. As long as as you tell her. She has a right to know. Sounds like you don’t mind if the friendship ends, given that he has a poor character.

  3. OkExperience749 Avatar

    Bro, it’s not your place to tell her. This is coming from someone whose wife cheated on me. Your place is to tell your friend in very serious terms how you feel about his cheating and encourage him to tell her.

  4. Forward-Attempt5096 Avatar

    You cant trust a liar/cheater. Says a lot of their character. Youre a good person for wanting to tell her so however you choose to tell her, as long as you do, youre doing it right.

  5. UsuallyWrite2 Avatar

    How do you know? Do you have proof?

    I ask because it’s very likely he will deny it and she will believe him because she really wants to if there’s no proof. If the only thing you have is an “I heard” even if he’s the one who told you, he can easily spin that into “he’s just jealous because I have a hot young GF and he’s stuck in a boring marriage with kids.”

    When you really want a relationship to work, it’s not that hard to accept even the most barely feasible excuses for things that are big red flags.

    And sending it anon will make it even easier for him to deny. Then it’s his ex or one of hers screwing with them.

    Tell her what you know but don’t be surprised if she does nothing about it or he turns it all into you being the bad guy.

  6. Ponytail77 Avatar

    Directly. Yes, it will be awkward and terribly uncomfortable to give her this news, but she will know you’re being serious and have her best interests at heart. After all, you will be jeopardizing your relationship with your buddy too by revealing this; it most likely will end. But this woman deserves to know.

    Anonymously raises too many doubts…crushing news without knowing if it’s true, if someone just wants to hurt her, if if if.

  7. Hunihime Avatar

    Call her or meet face to face. Bring any info, receipts that you can because these type of situations could easily backfire and/or she might deny it. Might be best to have your wife there when you break the news.

    Expect this friendship to blow up, but honestly, if this guy is willing to treat his fiancée like this, he’s
    probably not worth keeping around anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

  8. YourRAResource Avatar

    To back up, it’s honestly unnecessary to provide your disclaimer. It wouldn’t matter even if you did like her. Reality is reality.

    To again be honest in addition to that, as a happily married guy with a daughter, in the nicest of terms, I find it fucking ridiculous that THAT is the lens you’re looking at it through, as opposed to it being completely surface level as it has always been. Meaning, why not look at it through then lens of “someone doing this to another human being…?” I digress.

    So now, if this is the “final straw” for you, that suggests that you’re done with the friendship, no? If so, tell her directly. It’s also weird to ask how we’d think she’d like it delivered, as if that’d matter. Be direct, and what will be will be. Good luck.

  9. Retlifon Avatar

    >My friend (37M), since elementary school has a wonderful girlfriend (27f).

    Huh?

  10. Competitive_Tale_799 Avatar

    Directly, and with proof. Then block the “friend” and find someone who isn’t terrible to be friends with.

  11. WhiskeyGinger32 Avatar

    A 37 year old dating someone 10 years younger is a cheater? Say it ain’t so /s.

    I would rather directly because I prefer cheaters to have as little wiggle room to manipulate as possible (“babe, it’s my ex trying to sabotage me”), but go with whatever you believe she would believe more. I’d come with receipts whichever way (send them if its anonymous. show them and send them if it’s not anonymous). Make sure you emphasize that you don’t appreciate cheating and wanted to do what you would do for your daughter (so wires aren’t crossed in the intention bc she will be hurting and in a vulnerable place). I’d take your wife with you, if I were you. To show solidarity and have the intent firmly across of your personal intention (gives less room for his manipulation as well. “He is just doing that because he wants you, babe”)

  12. slimwizzle420 Avatar

    You just tell her and she’s gonna be pissed and upset but that’s just part of it, not a reflection on how you delivered it to her but a reflection of how he’s made her feel. I WISH MY HUBBY HAD FRIENDS LIKE YOU TBH

  13. Psydop Avatar

    However you tell her, make sure that there is proof able to be given before any accusations. You will simply end your friendship, and change nothing without it. Nobody will trust someone over their partner without proof. She will assume you are jealous and hate you if you don’t have proof.

  14. Lilac-Roses-Sunsets Avatar

    Unless you have proof and witnessed it yourself do not tell her rumors. This cannot be second/third hand information. Again if you have seen it and have proof you can give her then tell her.

    Also what does your WIFE think about this? How does she think it should be handled? Does she know you have been thinking about this woman and telling her about the cheating?

  15. pric07484 Avatar

    Creates a fake profile and sends her a message saying he cheated on her. And send proof.

  16. Fragrant-Date4899 Avatar

    Your second edit tells me that you 100% watched emotional cheating long before physical cheating and that alone is still something I wouldn’t want as a woman to be happening without my knowledge especially if I’m intending to marry this man.

  17. oldatlas Avatar

    I cant be friends with someone like that. Had to drop a family member/friend recently that cheated on his wife multiple times.

    If the ONLY person you have sworn an oath to be honest and faithful to cant trust you, how the fuck can i? I think people make too light of cheating. It really does say SO much about a person’s character.

  18. Gullible_Fun_1410 Avatar

    One thing I do know is that you are definitely not his friend and yeah, you want her

  19. yardiekno Avatar

    Your friend is messing up bad, but their relationship is non of your business, it’s not up to you to save her.

    The only thing you have control over is your friendship with your friend. A good friend would call him out on his BS and if he doesn’t change or gives pushback, you should end the friendship. You have to hold him accountable so that he can see that his actions have consequences.

    You being the one to break that to her tho, is not the move. That’s gonna backfire immensely.