I host an end-of-summer dinner party at my house for the same friend group every year. There are 6 of us and we are all moms to tween to teenage kids. This is a “mom’s night out” type of dinner where we catch up on all manner of topics, drink wine, laugh raucously, and probably annoy my neighbors.
This year, one of the moms texted our group chat the day of the party: “Moms- would it be OK if [her 11-year-old daughter] joined me tonight? She was at sleepaway camp the past week and wants to be with me.”
For context, this friend has historically cited mom guilt about leaving her kids (who are 11 and 14) whenever we try to plan mom get-togethers and is the most likely of the group to cancel or not be able to join us. On occasion she has brought her daughter with us, like to a brunch or similar, where she is the only kid present.
When I received the text, I called her immediately, asked about how her daughter liked the camp (was curious because I was considering it for my own kid), and gently let her know that while I would love to see my friend, I want to keep the party moms only. I pointed out that her daughter probably wouldn’t want to hang out with a bunch of moms anyway, and that our conversation would likely not be appropriate for her ears.
She seemed a bit taken aback that I wasn’t welcoming her daughter to join. I told her I totally understand her kid wanting to spend time with her after camp, and that she should prioritize her of course and not feel any sort of guilt or obligation about not attending.
It seemed like she understood and everything was fine on the call, but since then she has completely gone radio silent in our group chat, even as we all chimed in and said we missed her and are trying to make plans for the next get together. I reached out to her 1:1 on text as well and said I hoped she had a good evening with her daughter and caught her up on a few of the topics of the evening. After about 8 hours she “hearted” the text but didn’t respond anything else.
My position is it changes the dynamic to have a kid at an adult party and I don’t want to set a precedent where kids are allowed to attend. And I don’t regret it, but I do regret making her feel hurt if that’s the case.
So… am I the asshole for not letting her bring her kid to the party?
ETA: Since the question was raised a few times in the comments – the mom in question has a great husband and a beautiful waterfront home; it’s not an issue of not being able to afford childcare or being in a bad situation at home. It does seem like there is some dynamic at play where she feels or is made to feel very guilty about spending time away from home. She is a wonderful person and friend and I was honestly very surprised at her reaction.
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NAH
You can decline to have kids attend, and she can also decline to attend herself.
NTA and she will get over herself.
She just told you that her kid was being very needy about her time.
Isn’t it likely she’s just busy and that’s why she hasn’t responded? Or that she’s a tad disappointed but not mad and taking time to deal with that?
Not everything has to be a giant conflict. Some of this stuff irons itself out with a little bit of time.
Not in the slightest. You know that. Her toddler level reaction is not your fault, nor something you need to accommodate to.
Hopefully she feels embarrassed later and apologizes for the childish ghosting routine.
NTA
NTA. Mom’s need their own time. It’s been the rule all of the years you’ve had the party. Kid needs to stay home.
NAH. You didn’t want her to bring her child and she accepted that. Her child may be being more than a bit needy and she’s dealing with that. Things should calm down soon or not. There really isn’t anything you can do.
NTA. She’s a tad bit entitled there.
NTA. If you bring one kid to an event that six mom’s organized as night away from their kids it’s pretty much ruining the point for five other moms. It was really rude of her to put you in the position of having to say no. Sometimes it DOES hurt to ask a question, especially if you are putting the person you are asking in a hard spot. If she wants to organize a night where you all bring your kids she can go ahead and do it, but making a kid free event a kid event, especially when five other women all arranged childcare, is just acting like she’s the exception to the rule.
Look, I was that kid. I was clingy with my mom, and she was fine bringing me out when she was drinking with her girlfriends and being loud and outrageous. And if you asked me at the time I would have said I would rather been with my mom, buuuuut… I was always super uncomfortable at stuff like that. I felt awkward, I overheard a lot of stuff I shouldn’t have, she drove me home drunk a bunch of times. It didn’t lead me to spend any quality time with my mom – and frankly now that i’m a parent I can acknowledge that she really should have said no to me a lot more than she did.
NTA. Being a parent means the kids come first even if that means giving up things you want to do. This other mom needs to learn that. It is reasonable to want to have a get together without kids. The only thing that I could suggest is that there are also events where the children are welcome so that if this mom has a very needy child where she can’t make the no kid events that she can still see all of her friends.
NTA. The poor kid will be bored to tears. I suspect mom doesn’t want to pay a babysitter more than anything else. Adult parties are totally different to family parties. They tend to start later and finish later, and family parties have other kids to play with.
NTA
If her child needed to be with her, then bringing the child to the party was the wrong move on her part.
NTA….She might have been hurt or upset, but the vibe changes when “that” mom just has to bring her little darling. You did not purposely exclude her. You just said no kids allowed.
But, I am wondering, by your wording, if she felt she could not come even without her child? Either she was upset by that or she was upset that she could not bring her child.
NTA
If it were me I would call you and let you know I would not be able to attend.
NTA. Let me ask you this – if another mom brought their kid to this mom’s only gathering and not her, would she have been peeved?
Even at an all-ages party, when a group of adults is talking and one of the group’s kid (usually an only child, interestingly) is sitting there listening, it’s a total bummer and it always amazes me that the kid’s parent doesn’t tell them to go off and play with the other kids or do something else. Maybe that’s Gen X of me but like… go be a kid, get into mischief, and let the adults have their alone time!
Your friend is a guest. Guests don’t get to invite guests.
NTA
I totally agree that having kids present changes the dynamic. Also it’s good for moms to take time for themselves though that isn’t choice you can make FOR your friend, keep encouraging her to come to moms nights without her child.
While she may have had feelings about not being able to attend with her child, it’s also important to consider the other moms feelings about having a night out without children! It was good of you to assert your needs (and the needs of the other moms) as being as important as the one mom that wanted her kid there.
Is the daughter a manipulative brat the needs to learn the meaning of no.
NTA. You did the right thing.
NTA – not sure why your friend would be upset, you gave her exactly what she wanted: an evening with her daughter.
NAH She asked, you said no, she respected the no.
It’s possible she’s in her feels about missing a fun evening with her friends but she’s not complaining, she’s silently working through those feelings.
NTA- Let your friend pout. If she’s really a friend she will understand and get over it.
NTA I do suggest you get together for a kid friendly brunch in the next few weeks. If need be someone can host with paper plates, ego waffles, whipped cream, sliced fruit, scrambled eggs, bacon etc. & mimosas for the moms. My point is even with kids you guys can chip in together and host a family friendly brunch for cheap. (Or go out to eat and have zero clean up.)
NTA. No kids means no kids. She has brought her child in the past – which is annoying – but was mostly accepted because she was a little less aware of the conversations happening around her. She is 11 years old now and you will have to sensor conversations around her because she will understand them and probably will want to be part of them.
I find it hard to believe that over the last decade, no one else has pushed back about her making herself an exception to rules everyone else must follow.
Reach out 1:1, one more time. Explain that you don’t want things to be awkward, but this isn’t the first time this has come up. Is there a reason why an 11 and 14 year old can’t be without their mother for a few hours? Does she not have a husband, or a support system to help her with her kids? If that’s the case, can she not afford child care? Is she experiencing some kind of anxiety when she steps away from them? Explain you are not judging, but this is coming from a place of concern because this isn’t normal…
NTA
NTA. Nothing takes the fizz out a girls night out than having a kid attend!
NTA
If she wants to spend time with her kid then she should skip this night and spend time with the kid. She shouldn’t drag the kid to something they won’t enjoy and then either force their child to sit there bored or pressure everyone else to cater to the kid
NTA.
Your friend wants to have her cake and eat it too. How was she supposed to spend time with her daughter if they’re at at adult party together?
We once invited a couple to dinner and they asked if they could bring their 11-year-old daughter. I asked them not to; they said she wants to meet your new puppies; I said they won’t even be here because they are getting neutered and are at the vet overnight; she said she wants to come anyway; I said, please don’t bring her; there is NOTHING for her to do here–she will be bored out of her mind–we don’t even have a TV.
They brought her.
Within half an hour, she was bored and asking her mother for something to do. I pulled out my laptop and put on a Masterpiece Theatre DVD, which is the only thing we had that was appropriate for her to watch.
We never invited them back.
No. Fuck that. I can’t stand that bullshit. Leave your fucking kid at home.
NTA – it’s wonderful that she wants to spend time with her kiddo, but she needs to deal with the fact that kids aren’t always welcome everywhere.
NTA. Kids do not belong at adult functions.
NTA. Snap out of it. It was obviously an adult only party.
It’s so tiresome when an entitled person tries to change the dynamic and acts as injured party when her inconsiderate request is denied.
NTA but this mom is getting too much attention and kindness. She tried to scam her way at the expenses of every other mom and she is not the one who should go radio silence
Nta, there is always one friend who tries to change things and not respect the adults only thing. If they cant make it fine, but its not cool to want bring kids to events clearly meant to be adults only
NTA. She asked and you answered. She can stay home with her kid if they missed each other so much.
NTA it was rude of her to put you on the spot but I think you handled it with grace by calling her separately, asking questions about her daughters camp and telling her kindly that is was a moms only event.
How she received the news is on her not on you as you did everything right.
I’d give her some time to work this out on her own as this is entirely her issue to sort out, and if and when she does make contact act like business as usual or try to touch base with her again when you feel the dust has settled or maybe there is another group get together that if she had to bring her daughter to it would be permitted as you don’t want to have to say no twice in a row.
NTA. You handled this exactly as you should have. You held the boundary you’d set, didn’t pressure her to attend anyway without her daughter, and have tried making more plans with her for when she was able to be childfree another time. If she’s got a bee in her bonnet about her precious babies not being welcome everywhere in the world then thats on her for having unrealistic expectations.
Shes more than welcome to spend quality time with her daughter after shes been away at camp, but she has no right to force her on the rest of you, especially when you left your own children at home.
Anyway, how is it spending time with her daughter to drag her to a dinner with a bunch of other grown women where she will likely be bored out her mind? My daughters are 10 and 13 and they would absolutely hate being dragged to event with all my friends and no other kids.
NTA. I host a spring party for ‘Ladies Only’ and on the invite I put ‘Invitation Only’. No spouses, children or significant others.
I had to do this because one friend would show up with her spouse and another with two kids. (My husband and son would leave for the day.) Each and every time I said spouse and kids could not stay which pissed them off. However, my other friends were happy I told them to leave.
If you want to host a party with everyone by all means do so. However, people need to respect boundaries of others and accept the word no.
Does she have a jealous husband by any chance? I’m asking because I knew someone who always had to take one of her children with her when socializing because her husband thought that would keep his wife from cheating on him.
It didn’t matter that it was a group of women she would be with, unless one of the kids was there she wouldn’t be “allowed” to go. I hope this isn’t the problem, but if it is she will really need her friends to help her through this (but not on the ‘moms only’ nights).
Regardless, NTA. Something else is going on here. Maybe she has social anxiety and feels more comfortable with her daughter there? IDK
Nope. If she wants to be with her mom then mom can stay home with her. It’s incredibly manipulative to text the group and ask when she already knows no kids allowed. She’s looking for one person to say yes so she can use that against the others.