Every year in our family, we celebrate birthdays by taking the birthday person out to dinner wherever they want to go. This year, my stepdaughter wanted her mom to come along.
In the past, we have allowed her mom to attend events we’ve hosted. Every single time she has been rude, dismissive, and on some occasions has even made negative comments about me to others. Meanwhile, she hosts events for the kids and has never once invited us. Despite that, we’ve continued to extend the invitation to her. The last straw was when she told someone she wishes something would happen to me, after that we stopped inviting her. We don’t want someone at an event we’re hosting if they have so much hate for us and are going to bring negativity and badmouth us.
Last year, we hosted my stepdaughter’s birthday a week early so she could spend her actual birthday with her mom. Still, she was upset that her mom couldn’t come to our celebration. She tells us herself how her mom constantly talks badly about us, but when it comes down to it, she still wants her mom included in our events but never the other way around.
Now, after already celebrating with her mom yesterday, she asked if her mom could also come to today’s birthday dinner. When we said no, she told us she’d rather spend her actual birthday with her mom instead of coming to dinner with us. My husband is really hurt because he feels like she’s treating him as “second best” and holding us to a standard she doesn’t hold her mom to.
I understand that kids often give the less involved parent a pass while holding the more present parent to higher expectations. But it’s exhausting and honestly painful to feel like no matter what we do, we’re always second fiddle. We’ve done almost everything for the kids while their mom does the bare minimum, yet she gets the praise, and we’re made to feel like the bad guys.
So we’re contemplating not having the birthday dinner at all this year (Daughter is 17 btw). AITA?
Comments
YTA
NTA. You’ve done more than enough. Just cancel and go on with your life.
It’s not daughter’s fault these two people decided to have a kid together.
When things are as bad as this, her loyalty constantly gets tested and she asked for none of that.
So stop blaming her.
NTA for not inviting the mom, though.
YTA for cancelling her birthday dinner. You may have had a leg to say no and explain why you wouldn’t be inviting her mother but taking your ball and going home is immature.
YTA – Keeping a child away from her mother, who she wants there, and calling it a birthday celebration is an asshole move.
“Sorry honey, your mommy is flawed. Happy Birthday!”
NTA
The daughter needs to understand boundaries. You are not obligated to have her mother at your parties. I have friend and family members with divorced children. The children celebrate these events separately. A situation like your step-daughter’s wedding would be different.
If she’d rather spend time with her mom than celebrate her birthday dinner with you, then she is entitled to that. You are entitled to your feels. Keep loving her anyways. I would give her her birthday presents, but if she doesn’t want to celebrate with you then don’t push it. No need to feel guilt over that.
Keep showing up for her and hopefully as she grows into an adult, she’ll come to value the relationship with her dad and yourself. In the meantime, her mom is influencing her, and there isn’t much you can do about it at this point.
NTA- You don’t owe her a birthday dinner. She is the one choosing not to go.
YTA – You would be punishing the child for the actions of the mother. Just suck it up and deal with her for while. Or, do what you are planning and watch as she withdraws more and more from you and your husband in favor of her mother.
> we’re always second fiddle.
You are not mad about being second fiddle, you are mad about not being top fiddle.
NTA, you invite daughter, and just daughter, to dinner. Daughter can accept or decline as she wishes.
NTA, but this isn’t your call at all.
Your husband needs to sit down and talk to his daughter about how she is neglecting her relationship with him by not wanting to even see him around her birthday. She’s chosen her mother twice, rather than choosing him once and her mother once.
He should tell her to please act like she wants him in her life, because she’s acting like she doesn’t, and he’s really hurt by it.
Then, after that discussion, he should ask her if he should cancel the birthday celebration he had planned for her entirely. That should be a discussion between the two of them.
And he should make it clear during that second discussion that her mom doesn’t welcome him (or you), and he (and you) no longer welcome her, and that fact is not his (or your) fault; it’s her mom’s fault.
So Daughter really does need to split her time if she wants both of them in her life. And your husband should re-iterate that he’s really hurt by the fact that Daughter has been acting like she doesn’t want to.
NTA, but step back. Give your husband counsel and support, but let him and his daughter solve this problem between them.
NTA for not allowing the mom to be there but YTA for canceling the dinner.
Stepdaughter wished not to celebrate with you by giving an ultimatum. Give her that wish. Consequences that sting are lessons learned.
NTA. I understand exactly what you mean. The actual problem is that your stepdaughter is ashamed of her mother. Keep steady & do the family thing sans the ‘mom’ & later on she will thank you. I’m sorry you are going through this!!
NTA
Also you don’t need to give her a party. She can take her bratty self to her mother’s for a party.
I feel like you stepdaughter is old enough to know what her mom is saying is wrong and quite frankly disgusting. Make her live with consequences of her actions.
Edit: everyone the daughter is 17. She is almost an adult. She knows better.
NTA-If I was her dad there would be a come to Jesus conversation about what she wants. That way expectations can be clear the older she gets. You stay out of it but that is a dad/daughter situation.
At 17 she’s old enough to understand things like reciprocity and not biting the hand that feeds you. She knows how her mother is and you need to tell her we don’t want that kind of negativity around you.
How long have they been divorced? If she is very young I would understand it, but if she’s a teenager she’s old enough to reason with. If she refuses to do dinner without her mother, then she’s being difficult. You are NTA, clearly birth mom is.
Oh dear God. Reading this, I thought the daughter was 7! This is way too much from a 17 year old. Stop trying to please her, she’s her mom’s puppet.
The kid is holding you hostage.
Let her have what she wants.
Your husband has to grow up and realize this isn’t about HIM.
This is about his daughter and his ex manipulating the pair of you.
Stop feeling bad. Let the natural consequences of her choice become apparent.
NTA
NTA Just don’t do a celebration meal. Give her a gift and go on a date with your husband.
NTA. She is old enough to not play that game. Time for your husband to give her a wake up call once she turns 18. Respect goes both ways.
She’s 17. Have you 3 sat down to have a conversation?
Some of this may actually be coming from her mom thru your stepdaughter
I’d celebrate it with her on another day
NTA – but he is right, she is choosing her mom over him. It maybe time for an honest talk to her since she is 17. Tell her it hurts you and her dad when her mom makes those comments. (she is old enough to see it). It hurts that she doesn’t want to celebrate with dad and you without her mom. Ask her if she is scared of something? Tell her it hurts your dad, but he understands why you are not invited to her mom’s party with her, but she expects dad to share the special birthday time and celebration with her mom. Ask her if counselling to talk it out would help.
NTA at 17 she’s old enough to understand and I’m thinking mom is pushing for this because she knows it will get under your skin
Cancel it
NTA. I’d simply tell her she can have a birthday dinner with you guys and do something with her mom without you guys. Unfortunately some people can’t coparent to where the kids can have everyone together for events.
ESH – The ex is trying and successfully getting under your skin using the 17 year old daughter as a weapon. Do not let that happen just yet, as the daughter will hopefully realize who are the people who are actually supporting her. As a divorced person myself, negotiating all the issues involving the children can be like navigating a minefield. Now that my children are grown, they have realized who did the heavy lifting (they just took me to Europe!!).
NTA – why don’t you explain why you guys don’t want her there. Why hide the way her mother really is.
Have a nice romantic dinner with your husband and leave the daughter at home.
Also stop planning and paying for things for your husband’s child. That’s his job and maybe part of her and her mother’s resentment is coming from you picking up his slack when it comes to his child.
My guess is the mom uses manipulation to make your stepdaughter feel badly for her being ‘left out’ when she isn’t invited. While she is only 17 and probably somewhat recognizes she is being played by her mother….. it is still her mother and the manipulation works. She is also old enough to understand that her mom and dad are no longer together for a reason, while in the future yall may need to be together for big events such as graduation, weddings, et….A birthday does not fall into those large events categories and you will not be sharing those times. If the daughter really wants to skip her dinner and be with her mom, let her.
No party for the spoiled brat.
NTA. Choices have consequences. Not only her choices have consequences for her, but her mother’s choices (badmouthing OP) has choices for her mother – and as a result for her. Her mother’s choice.
17 is old enough to be considered adult – albeit while keeping in mind that regression can (and will) occur. Adult on probation ;). And part of that is that her mother’s choices have these consequences. Of course, she already knows that for the big choices and unavoidable choices, such as divorce of parents. But also for other situations, from which she has been sheltered up until now.
Another point to remember is that we act out to ones that we deep down really know that love us – because they will forgive us. Much more risky to offend somebody who maybe not really loves us, they may just leave us.
NTA. Something I’ve realized is when we get older, we see our parents for who they truly are, the good and the bad. She’ll understand one day, inevitably.
I agree with the cancellation of the dinner and I’d just get her a small cake, present, and send her to her mom’s for the day if it’s what she wanted instead.
NTA. Much depend depends on how old your stepdaughter is. If she’s seven or eight years old, she wants her mom and I can’t blame her.
If she’s 13 or 14 years old, that’s a horse of a different color. At that age she understands that people who are mean and trash talk others are bullies and you do not wish to invite your bully to an event. Sorry that the bully is your mom.
Unless there is some relevant history left out of the post (e.g., you were her father’s affair partner), NTA.
Unfortunately it never gets better. Your step daughter will always want/crave attention from her mother however she can get it. My husband & I raised my step daughter from the time she was 6 weeks until 18. We bought her a car, Mac laptop, you name we bought it.
We hosted every sleepover she ever had, I would have impromptu bday parties when her mom would back out last minute or break promises. However that being said what her father and I did was always expected therefore it was never special. Her mom could literally do something as small as show up to a soccer game and she acted like it was Christmas morning. Meanwhile her dad and paid the soccer fees took her to every practice and provided a team drinks or snacks twice a season. It’s tiring and exhausting, but at the end of day she needed dependable.m parents too. I will admit my feelings got hurt a lot….
Let her. Don’t do a separate dinner. It’s her choice.
Hand her a cupcake and whatever present her dad wants to give her.
NTA.
Cancel the dinner and tell her to go celebrate with her mom. Then you and your husband go somewhere she would have LOVED — and maybe invite some other people she would have loved to have been with. Have an amazing time. Take photos. post on social media.
NTA It is definitely time for your DH to have a talk with SD about the situation. Reiterate that he loves her and wants to celebrate her birthday. You will never ask her to choose between her parents or put pressure on her to make her mom include you in celebrations. That is not fair to her. BUT as she is well aware, her mother does not treat them well and is abusive (or choose your own word) to them. You will not invite her mother to a celebration so that she can be rude & abusive & ruin the event for the two of you. That is not fair to the two of you. You can either celebrate her birthday on another day or forego the celebration. You will not ever willingly put yourself in the line of fire unless it is a once in a lifetime even, such as a graduation or wedding.
ETA – She may be 17 but she is far from an adult. And having a high conflict parent is very rough & stressful. I didn’t recognize my mom’s manipulation & bullshit until I no longer lived with her & was in my 20s. You don’t have perspective when you’re in the middle of it all. Give her grace.
Before I got to the last line saying that she was in fact, 17 years old, I thought she was maybe seven or eight or nine. She is 17 years old and she knows what she’s doing. She allows her mom to talk badly about you and makes sure that you know that her mother talks badly about you.
You’re doing the right thing. Cancel the dinner and let her spend the day with her mom.
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NTA! You and your husband can’t and shouldn’t spend time with anyone who is verbally abusive to you. That’s all there is to it. If your stepdaughter prefers to spend her actual birthday with her mom then let her and go have a dinner out with your husband instead.
Tell her that her mom isn’t invited, mom is having a separate celebration, and because of things stepdaughter had mentioned, mom (who is probably putting her up to it) no longer is included in the celebrations you throw for her.
Give her the choice. Celebration without mom or no celebration. Her choice. And then that’s it.
17 years old and doesnt understand the issues her mom causes at your celebrations??
I’m sorry but your SD is acting just like her mom and your husband has every reason to be hurt.
Her mom is living rent free in her head and at 17 she should understand the difficulties her mom causes.
NTA and I can see why your partner is upset that his daughter has chosen her (seemingly unpleasant) mother.
It’s fine to explain that mom’s comments are hurtful and you need to have a break from them this time.
Don’t get into a fight on this. You won’t win. Daughter feels love and obligation to her mother and likely will excuse her poor behaviour as mom has excused herself on the basis of emotional response etc. The mother sounds immature and daughter may be feeling she has to look after her emotionally.
Therefore you and her father do an important job in being emotionally reliable and not responding in kind to any emotional outbursts. This is very important – she’s still mentally growing and will learn more from your calmness than angst.
Just say sorry can’t do the dinner on her birthday this year – have her fave food and nice cake at home when she’s next with you.
Go without her and enjoy yourselves
NTA she is old enough to understand why you wouldn’t want her mom there, especially if she tells you how she talks badly about you. She should learn to appreciate you guys and what you do for her.
NTA
And you should read up the parental alienation syndrome. Badmouthing the other parent is child abuse.
NTA. The kid will learn life once she is 18.
Tell her to piss off and live with her Mum if she loves her so much. She’s old enough. NTA.
Updateme
You realize it’s because you’re the safe parent/household that she has different standards, right?
She knows she can rely on you and her dad to be there for her no matter what.
Whereas her mother’s relationship feels like it’s on shakier ground- that her mother’s love is conditional. It requires more performative actions on your stepdaughter’s part to keep it solid.
I mean, all of this is conjecture based on what you’ve shared. But this is often the plight of being the stable/high road party.
Nta- at 17 she is old enough to be told that unfortunately because of how her mom has spoken about you and treated you in the past you aren’t comfortable inviting her, especially wishing that something happened to you. Apologize that it upsets stepdaughter and tell her you guys would be happy to celebrate without her mom or skip the dinner. Let HER decide. I wouldn’t make it a huge fight, just explain why and then let her decide how she wants to celebrate. Keep communication open and tell her you guys will always be there for her/love her just it’s not safe for you to be around someone who wishes harm on you. Let her know you don’t want it to affect her relationship with her mom because it is really between her and you guys. Essentially explain your boundaries and love for her, but it’s ultimately stepdaughter’s decision on what your relationship will look like as she is so close to 18.
Follow her wishes not to have that meal out. Have a cake, card and gift for her. Any other Expectation is a moot point. ❣️
NTA. I would just cancel the dinner . And just state you understand she rather spend the day with her mother . That is her choice . But I would make it an actions have consequences choice . I would not be doing a birthday cake and the likes in your home before or after she goes. She is old enough to understand the choice she is making .
My step kids alternate their Christmas between ours and their boi dad’s house the Christmases they are not with us we hold off on doing our Christmas day until St Stephens day when they are collected . Their dad has been trying to get them to go visit his new inlaws for Christmas break. ( Always on the year it’s our Christmas ). We explained to the kids if they want to go that’s not a problem . But we will not be holding off our Christmas day till the new year . Their presents and the like will obviously be waiting for them when they get home. But we will have already our Christmas during the Christmas break .
She asked for her mom to come, you said no. She now doesn’t want to go. Cool, cancel it. It’s called natural consequences. She doesn’t get to treat people like shit and still get celebrated.