I (27F) was raped at 19 while I was in college. The boy who raped me lived in my same building and we had been friends for a few months (met at orientation). I was stupid and didn’t know how to handle alcohol, and one thing led to another and he walked me back to my dorm after a party and raped me for several hours.
I’ve mostly healed from the trauma itself, but I find myself still hating this person. The only “justice” I ever got was him being kicked out of school for ONE semester. His family is wealthy and paid for two extremely good attorneys, one flew in from New York.
I find myself now -nearly 9 years later, hating him. He married a girl who I somewhat knew at the time, but turns out my family know all of her family. The two of them got married in my grandparents’ church. They live in my city. The rapist works at fucking Boeing as an engineer. I find myself just keeping tabs and it makes me sick every time I see their stupid fucking faces. I almost messaged his mother today (I’ve never done anything like this previously ever) just to tell her what a piece of shit her son is, she is, and that my life has been permanently altered.
How can I just get past this? It’s become an obsession over the years and I really want this last bit of residual hurt to end.
Edit: I have been and obviously still am in therapy. Telling me to go to therapy is so unhelpful. I do that. It’s not helping.
Comments
Contact me privately
I want to grab you by the shoulders and make sure you hear this: none of this is your fault. Not then, not now, not ever. You didn’t “let” this happen, you didn’t cause it, you didn’t deserve it. What he did was brutal, vile and cowardly. The blame sits entirely with him and him alone.
Of course you still feel this anger. Of course you obsess sometimes over his life. He stole something from you, left scars that still ache, and then walked away cushioned by wealth, connections and privilege. That is an injustice that would eat at anyone. You are not weak or broken for feeling it — you are human.
But here’s the hard truth: focusing on him keeps you tied to him. He’s already taken too much, and he does not deserve even one more second of your peace. The obsession is not proof of your weakness, it’s proof that your mind is desperate for justice it never got. That’s a normal trauma response.
The shift comes when you start saying: “I don’t want him in my head anymore. He doesn’t get that power.” Therapy can help build that wall. Journalling can help pour out the poison. Even small rituals — writing his name on paper and ripping it up — can remind you that you’re reclaiming control.
You survived. You’re still here. That is strength. And one day, the thought of him will be just another shadow that passes by instead of something that claws at you. Until then, please don’t carry the shame or guilt that belongs squarely to him.
You are not the problem here. You are the survivor.
I’d encourage getting in touch with communities of women/people in general that share similar experiences. Not necessarily a rehab group or, yknow when everyone sits in a circle in a dimly lit room where you all talk to each other. Just learning that you’re not alone with a experience like this, I think can be really encouraging in a lot of ways, especially when you encounter someone who used to be in your position but has since had their life majorly improved.
Also, the second thing that’s also very important IMO, is to redirect your anger not so much over the personal life of this monster, but to redirect it at the systems that allow someone like him to be in a position like he is. Something that is actually productive. Learning how a culture and hierarchical system like ours can even begin to allow someone like him to exist as a normal member of society. Do something productive. Anger is like energy. It can’t be created nor destroyed, but transferred. Transfer that energy to doing something that helps not just yourself, but people who have faced similar circumstances to you. Affect change. Feeling angry towards him will only continue to hurt you, and more importantly isn’t productive.
Also therapy and stuff but I assume you already do that.
one of these commentors below is horny the other is a litteral bot (i’ll let you guess which one is which).
you got raped and you should go to the police and file a report whith preferably the name and last name of that person and an account of everything that happened to the best of your memory.
people get raped and years later (5,10 even 20) they contact the police. an investigation is launched and the accused gets trialed.
its never too late to put his ass in prison. he commited a serious offence and normally it will be treated as such regardless of what year it happened.
I know everyone says therapy, but I’m in the middle of EMDR and its really clicked for processing my unhealed trauma, especially when we don’t get justice and the dialogue we tell ourselves in those quiet moments. You deserve, and can have, and will have, a life you can live, a life where you can breathe. Yes these things leave scars and yes they change us, but they don’t have to end us. We just write a new chapter. You don’t know the experiences you’ll have or the lives you’ll touch or any of those things. Its coming. Please give it a chance
Dm me, I’ve got advice
Find out where his parents live and seduce his father to break up their marriage
I dunno… therapy maybe?
Get revenge, focus on how you can ruin his life legally without getting your hands dirty, even if you have to build him up just to remove his foundations, do it, but remember whatever you do should give you peace
What happened was not good. And they should feel ashamed for doing that. Life sometimes isn’t fair, that’s why you are upset.
It’s about you now because they obviously moved on in life and now you need to move on.
Oftentimes, victims of abuse get effected and mentally they have abnormal beliefs ans feeling of jealousy and envy – because it’s only fair to want to be happy.
And the abuser seems to be happy so now you’re having troubles accepting the fact that you really need to let things go – because honestly, you don’t know what karma they are having to deal with because of their actions??
i will always say go for the revenge unfortunately🤷♀️ send the legal files of the case to his boss or his wife anonymously and watch what happens! (nooo go to therapy of coursee healing blabla)
edit: ofc i dont know how realistic that is, but i wanna say youre completely reasonably still enraged. if there is any actual way to get revenge it would only be justice, and youd be completely justifiably happy and relieved to see his life crumble! just do it in a way that doesnt incriminate you, he doesn’t deserve to win some legal battle over this!
I was raped at 15 by a “family friend.” For many years, I blamed myself for putting myself in such a position and for “making him think it was ok.” It was more than 20 years later that I remembered him trying to kiss me prior to the “sex” and I refused. Why did I blame myself?
Because that’s what women do.
You didn’t cause your rapist to assault you any more than I did. And we shoved down the disgust and anger and pain, turned it into self-loathing. We have nothing to be sorry for or ashamed of. I understand. Too many of us understand.
Makes total sense that Boeing hires sociopaths lol
The best revenge is in you moving on from that trauma and being successful. Pursue him legally but focus on your own development.
The only answer.