For the first time in my life, I (28F) got into a big argument with my dad.
Context: my parents got divorced when I was 5, he almost immediately moved in with her. I lived with my mom, went there every other weekend and half of school holidays.
The best moment of the weekend was the drive back and forth since, most of the time, it was only the two of us. The rest of the time was spent with my stepmothers and 2 of her children.
To today: my wife and I are buying a house and I asked him if he could check it out on Wednesday. His answer: just trust the estate agent, he doesn’t have time because he may watch my stepsister’s kids (he’s watching those kids every fucking week on the year, he’s been doing that for years and always complains about how much energy it takes).
I felt let down because he rarely has the occasion to show me that he cares (we have a cordial yet not deep relationship), that was one of the biggest steps of my life and he didn’t even try to be a part of it.
I thought that maybe he was hurt by the fact that we didn’t invite him to our current house so I told him it wasn’t personal, that I had nothing against him but that I didn’t feel like having my stepmother at my place because she’s always been mean to me but he was welcomed to come by himself. He refused, got offended that he discovered that I didnt like his wife (like open your eyes, she hates on me all the time??).
He said I needed to let go of the past. Offered to get dinner some day soon to talk it out. I insisted to talk it out on the phone because I didnt feel like seeing him and that it was no conversation to have in a restaurant.
Here are some examples of why I can’t stand her anymore (are they exaggerated? Is he right and I should let go of them?) :
* When I was doing ballet (5-6 years old), she’d say that I was too fat to dance
* She forced me to get my armpits and legs waxed at 10 because she was afraid that me shaving would look bad on her wedding pics (it hurt like hell by the way and I still remember how I felt like shit)
* Didn’t like me staying at home doing homework, reading or playing video games so I had to go out and hang out with my stepsisters friends
* She made homophonic comments about gay marriage when she had the chance after I came out
* She encouraged me to get sleep with men « in case it turned me straight » (14 at the time) (I never told my dad)
* Called me too fat when I was 16 for a whole summer
* Called me too skinny at 18 (I became super self conscious of my body and lost a lot of weight)
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She undermined all my successes, especially school related ones
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She talked behind my back a lot to other family members
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She would always disagree with me about EVERYTHING
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She would spend whole dinners talking about her me being a vegetarian is wrong and stupid (never said a single wrong word
about her son’s vegetarian girlfriend though) -
She gives me the cold shoulder very often or just acts super cold when I’m around
23 years knowing her and 1.5 years old therapy later, I finally unloaded what I had to say.
My dad thinks he did his best as a dad, that she has nothing against me and that I’m still in the past.
He’s now blaming my wife for my changing behaviour (I used to be afraid to speak up for myself). I’m not « his girl anymore » because I don’t smile as much as I used to (I’m done putting up a nice face when I’m being walked all over, thanks).
Well dad, it’s called therapy 🤷🏻♀️
Was I wrong? Am I really living in the past? Should I have accepted his invite to talk about it face to face?
Comments
You’re not wrong. You’ve had to protect yourself from an openly hostile stepmonster for far too long, and yes, based on what you’ve said here, he chose his new family over you.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. The feeling of exclusion and watching him be happy with them must have been excruciating.
Your stepmonster is a terrible person. Basically bullying you for existing. I don’t think that’s about you personally at all. It’s because you’re a reminder of your Dad’s previous marriage. I would not be surprised if she was the reason your parents split up to begin with.
NTA Tell your dad you’re done being abused by your stepmother
It’s time you protect yourself from this vile woman and your dad’s tolerance of her treatment of you. The things you have described are abhorrent and any parent should want to protect their kid from it. You have every right to decide to keep her away from you and to tell your dad why. The claim that you’re “still in the past” is just victim-blaming and a way for your dad to avoid taking any accountability for allowing these behaviours to happen. We can only move on and forgive if those who have wronged us admit their wrongdoing and actually apologise.
You’re not wrong for how you feel, in fact your dad has no say in how you feel! He sounds as toxic as his wife. It’s too bad by the time your dad figures it out- it’ll be too late. He will regrets his decisions one day… good luck to you! NTA
nta. i don’t feel like you’re exaggerating at all. it’s not ‘living in the past’ if a friend did this to you and you refused to talk to them anymore, you’re not living in the past for being validly upset about genuinely hurtful things being said to you repeatedly.
‘let go of the past’ is such a bullshit excuse.
does she still treat you like that?
if she does (and i’m betting she would), it’s not the past.
NTA, ya know there is an alternate way to go about this and that is to ask you dad some questions. Like when is a time he remembers your step mother being generous or kind to you. Asking him why he didn’t have the energy for that but he did for your step kids. Ask him why about things that are not settled, things he should have done and why he didn’t. What does he expect? Does he expect you to take care of her when she gets old, him too? Why would you be willing when he has neglected you? Ask questions, out the burden of responsibility for his behavior and lack of time for you in him by asking him to explain it to you. Making statements about how it was can be argued, defended and deflected but asking questions is different.
NTA. Have you told your father all of this? If so, and he isn’t willing to acknowledge the harm done to you, it might be time to go low contact.
NTA, your dad made his choice, now you need to make a choice about whether you want someone that is going to defend your abuser in your life
NTA After 20+ years you’re allowed to admit you don’t like someone. Especially when they’ve been monopolizing your dad’s time and attention of your whole life.
You didn’t insult her.. you just finally said out loud what’s been obvious for years. That’s not being an a hole that’s being honest.
The whole living in the past thing is stupid. You’re carrying the weight today, and he can relieve u if that today. And if it were me, and he wouldn’t, I would still drop the weight, only it’d have to mean dropping him too. And id tell him that how he treated u, and how this woman has, is not your cross to bear, it is his… And the only way he is seeing u again, is if he lifts it up.
The past is your history. History is a lesson. Tell him you can’t change or undo the past. Damage is done. She fucked up and is a horrible person. Dad you have shitty taste in women but I guess it was worth it to you to get laid.
Sucks that was your best because you failed big time. You did not watch out for me or protect me. But all you cared about is getting laid. Doing her was kind of though you were desperate.
Such a horrible women and still is.
“You’re right dad I am living in the past, because in the past I excused your shit parenting and failure to protect me. So now I’ll just cut your lame excuse for a dad and your shit wife off, have the life you deserve.”
NTA.
NTA. He failed as a parent. His denial runs pretty deep here. Accept that this is as good as it gets with him and move forward accordingly.
You’re not wrong. I suggest you share this with your father. Word for word. And then tell him if he wants to discuss it, he can give you a call. Otherwise, just go no contact for a while. I’m so sorry this happened.
you are not wrong. and it’s rich that your dad keeps saying ‘you’re living in the past.’ when it doesn’t sound like his wife has ever taken responsibility for her actions or even apologized to you.
My heart just aches for you OP.Childhood inequities are not suppose to happen .
They are happening to a new virtuous heart that has not seen evil before ….
May God draw close to you and heal those hurts.May your joy increase as you age and experience love from your wife .May you have peace .
Hurting people hurt people is a true statement .
But some people are not bad because of past pain but because they are selfish .
Knowing them teaches us to not be selfish.I bet you are a wonderful friend ,a kind neighbor .
May GOD COVER YOU IN BLESSINGS ❤️
I think you need to stop trying to have a relationship with your father. He’s clearly not interested in having one beyond surface level. Just stop making first contact. See how long he goes without reaching out
He’s not the man you hope he is. I’m he’s a selfish as hole who is more concerned about getting his dick wet than having a meaningful relationship with his child
He’ll reach back out when he needs money or a kidney from you. Or his wife gets sick of him and leaves him and he needs somewhere to live after she takes him to the cleaners
He can’t even pretend to be a Disney dad for fuck’s sake
Let go, protect your peace
UpdateMe
If I was your mum I’d be giving stepmonster a nice piece of my mind! Your father is massively to blame here and I think he knows it, which is why he want s to blame someone else because god forbid he should take any responsibility for his shitty wife and his uncaring silence! NTA. But we know who wins that prize don’t we!
You’re not wrong for your interpretation of what happened, but choosing to talk about it on the phone instead of face-to-face was not the best decision. F2F means people have to LOOK at each ..there is no hiding or fidgeting and it would have been valuable for your father to see how you truly felt, and for you to better understand whether he cares. You will never have a breakthrough (or closure if that’s what you want) in your relationship with your father if you try to conduct life via text message or in a phone call.
NTA. If your dad truly thinks that this was the best his parenting can do? Yikes. Buying a house is a HUGE deal. Idc how old I am I want my parents advice and help the whole process. I’m seriously so sorry you had to grow up in the most influential years of your life being body shammed and homophobia. Waxing a child at 10 is fucking insane. You told your dad the truth about the hurt and mental and emotional abuse you faced from his wife and he tries to blame your wife. Fathers who take sides with their wife’s in these situations is so pathetic. I’m so happy you are in therapy and taking care of your mental health and trauma.