Long story short, my best friend and sister-in-law (Tina) 26F has really hurt me. Over the years, we’ve both struggled with our other sister-in-law, Sarah 30F, who has been in the family for 10 years. (Note these names are fake just to keep anonymous) I’m a 24F.
Sarah has: • Lied, spread rumors, and never taken accountability. • Been rude, shallow, and self-absorbed with the family. • Copied my friends’ stories, outfits, photos, and even my work. • Tried to enter my industry by sabotaging me: spreading lies, stealing clients, pushing others out of jobs, and taking credit for work she didn’t do. • Bullied coworkers (the last incident was less than 6 months ago). • Even admitted to manipulating her husband into kids so he’d be stuck with her.
The family tolerates her to “keep the peace” and only deals with her as annoying/rude on a family level. For me, it goes deeper—because she has actively damaged my career and reputation. That’s why I see her as more than just annoying: I see her as a bad human.
Tina and I bonded over this for years, being each other’s safe space. But recently, she’s shifted. She told me she wanted less stress, more peace, and I assumed that meant being civil at trips and gatherings. Instead, she’s openly supporting Sarah’s new business, commenting on her social media like they’re good friends, and even messaged me defending her, saying Sarah has “changed” and deserves a second chance.
I admit I got defensive when Tina said that, and now she and I barely talk. It hurts even more watching her support Sarah more than even our mother-in-law (who is the ultimate peacekeeper).
I’m working on releasing my hate/anger so I can just be amicable for family events, since I’m the one disrupting the “peace” now. But I don’t know how to shift my mindset so I’m not hurt by Tina’s actions and don’t feel betrayed. I also want to better explain to my partner why this hits me harder than it does the rest of his family—it’s not just about her being rude at dinners, it’s about her lying, sabotaging, and bullying in my career and community.
I’m not looking for advice on confronting either of them, but rather on mindset shifts or ways to work on myself so I can stop feeling so hurt by Tina’s choices.
TLDR: My best friend/sister-in-law (Tina) and I bonded for years over how awful another sister-in-law (Sarah) has been—she’s lied, spread rumors, sabotaged my career, bullied coworkers, copied me in obsessive ways, and refuses accountability. The family tolerates her to keep peace, but for me it’s deeper because she damaged my professional reputation. Now Tina has flipped—she’s supporting Sarah’s new business, interacting with her online like they’re close, and even defended her to me. I got defensive, and now Tina and I barely speak. I’m hurt and feel betrayed, but I don’t want advice on confronting them—I need mindset shifts so I can stop being hurt by Tina’s choices and focus on controlling my own reactions.
Comments
You have to accept that you feel betrayed and feel it. The more you escape it and don’t feel it, the worse it gets bottled up. I know thats easier said than done, but as a guy, I had to learn how to do this despite stereotypes. It sounds like you need to accept that your friend has chosen to ignore stuff, so while you might not want to, you may need to try and keep the peace by biting your tongue in public with them.
As you said you would, find places to express stuff, as you will need to and let the trauma she has put on you fall away. You may need therapy too, as it is hard to deal with that kind of sabotage from people that care about you. What I do recommend is being clear with them that you will be civil with them, but that you do not like them.
What do you mean by “you got defensive”
What specifically has Sarah done to you…
Sounds like a lot of missing context.
I would go low or no contact. Don’t go to events they will be at especially the SIL. Let her find another victim, then the rest of the family might believe you