Title. My mother (46) is in jail for tickets she hasn’t paid, she was finally pulled over night before last and arrested. She used her only call to call my sister who has no job, nor does her significant other. Sister calls me and tells me the bail is $4000 and asks if I can pay it to which I respond obviously not. I’m 22, I live in a duplex with my fiance who does work, I work in the plants as a hand and I am “comfortable” for my age but still below middle class on a tax bracket. Point being I don’t have the money. So I said no. Today she asks me to put In. $200 towards the bail along with others (there’s not many others that can or will put in towards it so even if I did it would be for nothing) and I responded no, it’s not for me to be punished for her not handling her own responsibilities. She’s battled with drug problems, chosen abusive unhealthy relationships regardless of me or other family pleading with her to leave and better herself, as well as the previously Mentioned guy also having a known current drug problem. She had a job, it wasn’t great but it was a job nonetheless. Idk what to do and I’m morally conflicted
Tl:dr
Mom arrested,chose not to pay tickets, bail is $4000 said we could all put in $200 but I’m the only one I can imagine putting in $200.
Comments
NTA. You don’t owe her anything
Don’t bail her out. Choices were made.
NTA –
You’re the child not the parent it isn’t your responsibility to bail your mother out of situations she puts herself into, she made her mess she can deal with it.
>it’s not for me to be punished for her not handling her own responsibilities
Looks like life has caught up to her.
You said no. No one can afford to pay for her mistakes, monetary or otherwise. The price tag for her life choices can only be paid by her.
NTA
I understand it’s your mother and this has to be hard for you, but honestly it’s probably better she stays in there without bail, at least you know she won’t be doing anything harmful while in there for now, she made her choices which ended her up where she is now this might actually give her some time to reflect on those choices.
Thank you all for assuring what I had believed to be the right thing, it stresses me out to imagine how she will act afterwards. She will surely have resentment at me for not doing it and that’s going to make our relationship difficult. Nonetheless thanks for your wisdom.
NTA, she ignored her tickets, ignored everyone’s advice, and now wants you to pay the consequences.. That’s not helping Family that’s subsidizing bad decisions.
If the rest of the family won’t chip in, that tells you everything you need to know.
Can you bail someone out without a job? Shouldn’t they be giving you the money to get your mom? And u just put the last $200? IF and only if they come with the other 3800$
Her choice was made, and so is yours, you guys are even
Helping her make bail, money you won’t see again, is a way of guaranteeing generational poverty. A good argument against cash bail, but your mother is a scofflaw so it’s tough.
She can sit there till tickets paid, her choice. All good.
Maybe a stint in jail could help sober her up a bit.
I mean it’s bail so putting in $200 might not be so bad as long as you get it back
I could not ask any of my children to bail me out of jail. I’ve never had to bail any one of them out of jail . Psych ward, yes, but not jail, lol they are 34, 32, 30, 28. Your mom should not be going thru other child to get to another one of them kiddos…either way, sorry she’s like that I’d call it block head syndrome. But think she knows all about it…
I think it’s time for your mother to get a bail bond
I mean it’s there exactly for situations like these
Obviously she will put up the entire amount for the bond
Oh obviously you’re turning her in if the bounty hunter comes by
If this was a situation where someone stole your mom’s identity, or she was arrested for some unpaid ticket she never know about, then I could see bailing her out.
She knew this was where the road went. She could’ve turned around, stopped, turned on another road. She took the risk and it caught up with her.
Don’t feel guilty at all for not bailing her out. She needs to learn her lesson. It was her fault she got into this. Eventually she’ll be out. So don’t spend your hard earned money on her ungrateful ass
NTA, she’s been making bad decisions all your life, she’s not your responsibility.
Is that $4000 using a bail bondsman? They usually charge around 10%… that would mean her bail is $40,000. I think mommy dearest is lying to you. What kind of traffic issues cause that high bail without leaving someone dead? I suspect either her charges are more serious than she’s telling you, or she wants some cash when she gets out. Have you tried looking up her court cases online? Assuming you’re in the US, go to the website for your state’s DOJ. You can look up her pending cases
NTA for letting her stay in jail. And if she has a problem with it when she gets out, I’d block everywhere and go no contact. Her bad decisions are not your problem.
You won’t help her by teaching her other people will bail her out (literally) from her problems. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.
Back in the day in Texas, that was a way to pay for your tickets. You spend a few nights in jail to pay for the tickets. Pretty solid system when you don’t have money.
Her stupidity not your problem
She needs the time in lockup. She’ll get sober, and she’ll have time to reflect, and eventually they’ll let her out.
My mother was picked up for public intoxication. Police called me to come and get her. When I asked what happens if I don’t they said she’ll have to stay here all night. Knowing what an obnoxious drunk my Mom was I laughed and wished them a good night. Not my circus, not my monkey.
Longer she stays better chance her drug problem is fixed. And who gets that 4000 if she shows up to court? If she doesn’t you can all kiss it goodbye. And im guessing nobody is able to cosign on a bondsman but you.
If anything say that they have to give you the money as the responsible one and if it gets to 4000 you’ll bail her out otherwise who knows where that money will end up. You can give everyone their money back if it doesn’t get to 4k or you could keep it and use it to pay her tickets instead of bail her out. Should have the same effect
I’m all for helping family, but there are a pair of conditions. First, you need to be in a position to be able to help. Second, the person being helped needs to be working to fix the situation. You’re off on both. NTA
I could pay the $4k multiple times and not even bat and eye, but hell no I wouldn’t pay it. She made those decisions she needs to learn. If it were my mother I’d let her sit in there and not think twice about it.
She can work it out with her attorney / public defender and the court. No need for you to spend money or otherwise get involved in mom’s business.
If you bail her out, you’ll only be enabling her behavior. Plus, you will likely never see that money again.
NTA
If you contribute anything it will just pull you deeper into her mess. When you don’t have the money to spare, that is the end of it. More money is not just going to magically appear in your account.
This is something she needs to get herself out of, primarily by recognizing her problems and getting treatment.
Let her do the time for the ticket fines. Should be about a week
NTA She needs to quit breaking the law! Don’t even consider putting $200 to her bail until someone else also does so. My dog, what is she being charged with to get a $4000 bail?!
NAH
Obviously depends on your relationship with mom. Seems growing up was rocky but not dreadful. $200 isn’t a crazy amount to get her out on bail
[deleted]
NTA. She’s just paying her dues
My kiddos know if they fa they fo. We will make them stay in jail at least overnight. But your mom is an adult. She needs to solve her own problems.
Mom knew what could happen. She’d going to have fewer people willing to help her as time goes on. Just because she’s your mom, it doesn’t mean that you have to keep doing the equivalent of setting a fist full of cash on fire.
NTA. She made her bed, now she can lie in it.
nta. she needs to hit rock bottom to want to change. If you bail her out, she’ll have no reason to change.
It’s not your responsibility to bail (or partially bail) her out. She is an adult and is responsible for her actions. They are called consequences. I guarantee you will never be repaid if you do.
NTA. At least you know where she is tonight. She won’t be putting other people in danger.
Bail for unpaid tickets is ridiculous. That’s PR at best.
This sounds like you’re missing something or leaving it out.
Call your family lawyer and let them deal with it. They should be able to get that reduced or waived.
Good for you
Seems fake, or else OP doesn’t have the whole story. I can maybe understand serving an arrest warrant, but what jurisdiction sets a $4k bail on an unpaid fine misdemeanor? Generally what happens here is you end up with a default judgement and garnished wages.
If this isn’t fake, then Mom is lying about the offense here.
While sad, addicts that make poor decisions constantly and not trying to better their life aren’t entitled to being rescued.
Sure mom won’t be happy you don’t get out of jail, so don’t worry about it. You will be better off.
Going no contact will be a blessing tbh
NTA – Mom spun the fafo spot on the prize wheel. And chances are not zero that your sister will keep any money you give her.
Not your monkey, not your circus.