Okay so some backround information, I met this guy on some online website and we just had like some flirty talk maybe some spicy conversations like back and forth. We talked on and off for a couple of days then he introduced me into coding and then i proceeded to spend alot more time with him. Mind you, this was IN MAY its now mid August and I talk to him on the daily. I say goodmorning to him he says goodnight we tell each other how our days are and we just have a great connection. We live states away and because of this, we decided its not going to be an online relationship.
The issue is, I think I’m falling in love with him. No matter how often I remind myself he’s just some guy I met online, I always think about him when it comes to music, painting, even just talking to friends. But I am scared, the last time I dated someone was some girl for about a year and it ended really badly. Aka I had to go no contact and it really screwed up my perception of love. Because of this I find myself like finding ANYTHING to ghost him.
For example, I didn’t want to code one night then proceeded to still do it anyway and because of that I held resentment and overtime it became this “big problem” when in reality nothing was wrong. I have had about 3 almost break ups with him over stupid shit that I now realize, didn’t even matter. I found anything that was a problem and turned it into this whole thing.
I don’t know if i just have a avoidant attachment style but I don’t know if i sound like insane. I want to have him part of my life and i want to experience things with him and i really really like him.
TLDR: Struggling with pushing a potential lover away due to past relationship trauma. Struggles with wanting to commit and figuring out if I’m the problem or he is