We’ve been together for 8 years, I love him I really do. I don’t want to loose him but I think that’s going to be the outcome, the past few years sex is unappealing to me, I couldn’t think of anything worse. It feels like a best friend not a boyfriend. During the first few years on the relationship we were pretty active, as I grew up I lost interest for it. Just now we haven’t been active for 7 months. If I could change this I really would, my head just isn’t in it when he tries to touch me, it’s a repeat when we stay together what’s gonna happen and it just puts me off. To add I have never orgasmed, I’ve tried multiple times but there’s a mental block I can’t cope with the feeling
How can I help myself?
He admitted today that if we don’t start having sex the relationship is finished and have I have fully ruined his confidence due to rejecting him for sex. This makes me feel horrible that I’ve hurt him this much.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you
Comments
How often are you intimate versus what you used to be?
Is the thought of sex unappealing to you in general (ie: with anyone), or specifically with him?
Is sex the only way you build him up? You can build someone’s confidence without having sex with them.
If I knew my partner did still find my attractive, loved me and I never questioned those things I likely wouldn’t have my confidence effected by lack of sex. Why would I, I still know my partner is the same loving partner they’ve been.
Is it possible that he also might not be making this as clear as it should be? Would you be more interested if he did things that made you feel like things a “boyfriend” would do rather than a best friend.
To me it makes it seem like sex isn’t the only thing that is different than it used to be and the lack of sex is the outcome of this
Two questions:
Why would you NOT want to have sex with your boyfriend?
Why do you want him to REMAIN your boyfriend given that you don’t want to have sex with him?
Honestly, sounds like you would be better off as friends.
JFC that post history. Just break up already
i am not fully sure what your situation is but if you think this is a permanent thing and not something temporary its time for the tough talk, sex is an important part of a relationship and you cant blame your boyfriend for the current situation.
How old are you? And have you ever had your testosterone checked or other hormones?
I know people think that its a male only thing. But it plays a big part in female sexual desires too. Finally, if your bf wants sex and after exhausting the reasons why you don’t and that’s where you are. Then it sounds like the relationship is over
You and he need to talk and work this out.
It sounds like he needs sex and sexual intimacy as part of a solid relationship.
It sounds like you aren’t attracted to him at all. You aren’t very clear whether you aren’t only feeling this for him
> It feels like a best friend not a boyfriend.
Or, if you aren’t feeling any sexual urges at all / feeling revolted by the very idea of sex with anyone
> he past few years sex is unappealing to me, I couldn’t think of anything worse.
He is hurt because he doesn’t fully understand. He is in a position where he thinks he is the problem, which is why his insecurity and his confidence is affected.
If he were out having sex with other women, then he wouldn’t worry about his own abilities or performance. He’d know the issue was with you – or with the relationship between just the two of you.
If he was clear and could put a name to what you are going through, whether something medical like “menopause” or “multiple sclerosis” – or even old fashioned “frigidity”, then he still wouldn’t be happy about the lack of sex; BUT – he wouldn’t be feeling like it was undermining his confidence.
You need to speak to him about this. Do you feel 100% healthy, mentally and physically? Do you think that not wanting sex at all, ever is a perfectly normal and healthy thing – or are you just not turned on by your partner anymore?
People change – we all do. We change physically, emotionally, mentally whether we want to or not. Sometimes we aren’t aware of how we are changing.
If you have regular medical checkups, bring up your level of sexual activity and desire at your next checkup. Many women go through hormonal changes – sometimes at ages well before they’d be “expected”. Sometimes they need to press their doctors on this to be taken seriously.
If you don’t treat this as a problem, then others around you won’t either. Your doctor/gynecologist won’t explore hormonal changes or depression unless you really make a case for them to look. Your therapist, priest or marriage counselor won’t help you rebuild intimacy with your partner unless you bring that up as something you want to work on. Your partner doesn’t know what you are feeling (or numb to, not feeling, need to feel) unless you calmly and clearly share this with them.
I understand the basic idea. Maybe you probably don’t feel terrible. Maybe you don’t want to make a big deal of things to upset others. Maybe you don’t want to impose on others. Maybe you usually try to please others. But this is something you just have been putting off – sex isn’t any fun and you were hoping it would pass. Maybe you’d feel different, or maybe he’d stop asking.
My wife had Multiple Sclerosis and depression. We talked about it before it got to the point of “if we don’t have sex the relationship is over”. I was unhappy, and we talked before it got further.
You really need to talk to him about this. All of it. Your feelings, your condition, how you still care for him and want him in so many other ways (if you do?) even if sex is something you don’t want or can’t do.
You need to decide if you think living without sex and intimate contact (with him, or at all) is something you think is normal, and if you want to live that way – or if you want to try to do something about it. Figuring out why may be difficult. Addressing it may not work, or may not be possible – but are you going to try?
Then you need to talk to him about how to go forward. If this was something clear and obvious – like you were paralyzed and in a wheelchair or a coma; unable to have any sex at all – he’d probably feel differently or cope differently.
This is about several things: his desire for intimacy with you, his overall drive for sex, his desire to remain faithful to you/this relationship, he perception of your action/choice in rejecting sex.
I hope you can navigate this. Dealing with your own possible medical issues, dealing with relationship issues, and coming back from already feeling like you’ve hurt a loved one is not a great position to be in. Life is complicated. If he wasn’t worth it, or the relationship wasn’t – then this wouldn’t be so difficult. I’m glad you have important things worth fighting for.
Since you cannot force yourself having sex I guess it’s over then. Why is he even telling you that instead of breaking up?
Are you on any medications like antidepressants or antispasmodics? What about birth control? You should consider getting some bloodwork done and see what your hormone levels are at, especially testosterone. Women are actually supposed to have testosterone levels about 10× higher than estrogen and low T can definitely cause someone to feel how you describe.
The problem isn’t that you don’t want sex.
The problem is that you don’t want sex with him.
It’s not a reflection on your moral character. You can’t make yourself get aroused by someone, no matter how much you try. We’re all victims of our own hardware.
Women in their early twenties are still figuring out what they want and don’t want. You’re not different.
I guarantee you if you go back to being single you will find other men you do want to have sex with. And/or women. And the chances for orgasm are way better than zero.
Relationships are like racehorses. They don’t last forever, and sometimes you have to take it out back one last time. It’s for the best.
If you love him, you should end the intimacy part of the relationship. You’re keeping him from being his best self with someone else who is turned on by him.
So my wife and I went through a really rough period with sex like this. Emotionally is has been traumatic for both of us. She is asexual sex averse. I am have a very high libido in general. The underlying issue for us was communication, and it still is the problem. I think we would of had less fights if we just broke up. But I also love her enough to look past sex. But that’s now. Before I wouldn’t of. There is a level or growth that is necessary to understand that sex isn’t everything. Admittedly im not there yet, but im working on getting there. Communicate, if you two aren’t compatible it better to get it over with sooner than later. Holding off will just making fighting happen more and you will question yourself. You are completely valid, dont let him tell you otherwise.
Sorry but sex can be a important role in people’s relationship, I too would leave a sexless relationship.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a mix of emotional and physical disconnection from sex, and it’s completely understandable that this is causing distress for both of you. First, try to take some of the pressure off yourself—this isn’t about you being broken or deliberately hurting him. Sexual desire and compatibility change over time, and you’re not alone in experiencing this shift.
It might help to start by exploring why sex has become unappealing to you. Is it emotional (feeling like best friends rather than romantic partners)? Physical (hormonal changes, stress, mental block around this)? Or a mix of both? A sex therapist and gyane could be really beneficial in helping you navigate this, especially since you’ve never orgasmed and feel blocked.
Your boyfriend’s frustration is valid, but it’s also important that he understands this isn’t about rejecting him. Instead of focusing on sex as an obligation, try reconnecting in other intimate ways—cuddling, massages, or even talking openly about fantasies or desires (without pressure to act on them).
If sex is something you genuinely want to enjoy again, therapy, experimenting with different forms of intimacy, or even checking in with a doctor about possible hormonal factors could help. But if deep down, you feel like your attraction to him has fundamentally changed, it might be worth reflecting on whether this relationship is still fulfilling for you too.
You don’t orgasm and you’ve hinted at not liking the way he engages sex. Are you sure this isn’t a communication problem compounded by your sexual needs not being met when you do have sex? Have you never orgasmed ever, or just as a result of your partner? Like, can you orgasm on your own?
The number of women who loose their loved ones because they cannot do a simple hormonal check with their doctors 🤦♂️
I would see a doctor to get your hormone levels checked. Also check any medications you may be taking as it could cause lower sex drive. Exhaust all medical options first
Second, ask yourself: do you want to have sex with other people? If you watched porn or saw someone hot on the street, would you want to? If not, it may be something mental going on. Seeing a therapist could help resolve it. Maybe something in the relationship is happening to turn you off.
Also, your boyfriend should approach this differently. Sounds like he’s throwing blame instead of having an adult conversation and being supportive. Telling you do this or else isn’t a healthy approach to solving this either.
You are 23, and you have been together/sexually active for 8 years. Assuming he is the same age as you, you both started having sex at 15 and assuming monogamy you’ve only had sex with each other during that time.
It’s extremely possible that you haven’t had the opportunity to explore what you like and don’t like about sex. For reference, I’m a guy, and when I was younger I had no idea what I was doing sexually. I thought I knew how to please women but looking back I wouldn’t be shocked if none of my partners ever orgasmed.
It’s only been through extensive communication with later partners that I feel like I have some idea of what I’m doing and some confidence that I can please my partner. And I definitely got there way later than 23.
I would recommend having an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about what you’re feeling. If you’re open to it, maybe even suggesting trying different things or going to a sex therapist that can help you both figure out how to work with one another.
Girl……same
Sounds like you’re not attracted to your boyfriend. You should do the both of you a favor and end the relationship.
Us people from r/deadbedrooms say hello. It’s really brutal on your self worth when your partner doesn’t want to sleep with you. Sure, it’s technically your partners problem to work out their feelings, but that’s kind of a core partner of relationships.
I suggest doing what you can to try to figure out why you aren’t into sex. Might be time to breakup, might be time to try new things. Have a conversation with your partner with honesty, empathy and kindness.
Find a new man