New account, as my family knows my main account.
I (35f) have been with my husband Luke (35m) for 13 years, married for 10. About 8 years ago, we bought an old farmhouse and renovated it using my trust fund (from my late father’s life insurance) and our mutual savings account.
My stepdad Ryan (67m) has a genetic condition and will likely need a nursing home soon. My mom, Maddie (63f), will then be alone, so Luke and I renovated our basement into a mother-in-law suite for her. And, while Maddie and Ryan have seen the completed renovations, they do not know that it was done for them.
Last month, Luke’s mom, Debbie (60f), moved back to town. She bounces between California and here, never with stable housing or income, incredibly dependent upon her four children. Recently, she has been staying at a local campground and a friend’s house. Recently, a storm came through our area, ruining her tent, so Luke paid cash for her to stay for a week in a hotel.
Last week, we were attending a family event, and my sister-in-law mentioned the mother-in-law suite in our basement, and Debbie assumed it was for her. At the time, we did not know this conversation had even taken place until Debbie showed up at our home on Saturday evening. Luke explained that it was for HIS mother-in-law, not his mother, and so she blew up, called us ungrateful, and refused to leave until I called the sheriff’s department.
Yesterday, Ryan and Maddie came to our home for our weekly lunch, and we told them about Debbie. And, when I explained why we had renovated the basement, Maddie said that she was touched but didn’t need to move in yet. Instead, she suggested that we should allow Debbie to stay temporarily, as she is in a more urgent need of a place to stay.
Luke and I discussed the situation, and I stated the honest truth: I’m selfish and do not want to live with her. Luke agrees with me, but we are now torn. Debbie’s friend kicked her out, and our basement is empty, but it was intended for my mom. AITAH for refusing to let Debbie stay?
EDIT: A couple of people have asked about pooling money for an apartment. I did respond to a comment below, which might provide further insight. “Last year, she moved back suddenly and was staying with my brother-in-law until he deployed. In exchange, he offered some money, and the remaining siblings matched the amount so that we could pay a security deposit and the first month’s rent on a decent one-bedroom apartment. She got a job and seemed to be doing well until she had a fallout with my sister-in-law (her daughter), and then she just packed up and moved back to California suddenly.”
Comments
This is a difficult ethical problem and a less judgemental and absolute sub might be better for it. Unless Debbie has actually done unpleasant things to you and your husband, and it isn’t just that you find her a bit annoying and wish she would get a job, I think your mother is right. And especially because the accommodation was intended for her, I think you should give her opinion more weight.
At 60, there are fewer and fewer jobs that would employ Debbie, so it is not the same as forcing a healthy but feckless 30 year old to get a job.
NTA. My guess is that there’s quite a few reasons you’re truly hesitant for having your MIL live with you, also the cops being called and not respecting that feels like a red flag.
Are there ways you can help her find housing outside of the MIL suite (buying her a new tent, camper trailer, hooking her up with a different friend, or woofing for housing exchange?) OR give your MIL some boundaries like 2 weeks max? What about your siblings?
It’s a poopy situation, but also it’s her fault she’s not capable of being an adult to a certain extent
I’m wondering if buying a new tent would have been less expensive than a week in a hotel? (Heck, an upgraded tent that can weather a wind storm wouldn’t be very expensive.)
Since Debbie bounces so often, it really doesn’t matter who the basement is intended for. Not to mention that Maddie doesn’t want to move.
IMO you protect your peace. My home is my sanctuary from the world.
Any way that Debbie’s children can split the rent on a studio for her to live in?
There’s no info as to why she’s homeless. Are there mental health/drugs/ alcohol issues?
You’re not selfish you are a sweetheart, but your thought process on this is completely wrong.
If you had not one but two separate rooms on either side of your house that were empty you don’t owe anything to an entitled bitch .
The fact that you had to call the sheriff to get her to leave validates everything you’ve been thinking .
Once she’s in there, she can dig in like an Alabama Tick…. Now you have:legal problems, landlord, problems, mother-in-law, living in the same house problems, and a host of other problems from her erratic and chaotic behavior…
You and your husband should call all of his siblings now and very very calmly. Explain that you love your mother-in-law and that you are not interested based on her lifelong and recent behavior in any solution where he she is under your roof.
And to prove it put up on an amount of money that you could afford … if there are three siblings let’s just stay $500.
And you say …right now we can contribute $500 (so with all of us that’s $2000 in my example) for temporary housing for mother-in-law so that we all equally share the cost until she settles down somewhere, but I want to repeat it is not with us.
So, It is not that we are heartless. We either do this all together or in one of your houses… and we can count that as a contribution from whoever wants to do that ….but not here.
We simply do not have the bandwidth for someone so erratic that we had to call the sheriff.
Period. There is no other solution involving us.
All you people telling her she’s not an AH are a bunch of liars.
I’d sooner help her purchase a proper camper van. There are a ton of folks who do that. Gawd knows it is all over my SM feeds.
Maybe making a space for that van so she can visit but still be independent.
NTA
It would have been ok if she had asked. But mil assumed it was hers. That’s entitled. So it’s a no go there.
Anyone who thinks they deserve something because they are entitled to it…don’t deserve what they expect
maybe a used camper?
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After causing a scene and being so obnoxious the police had to be called, why would you even consider allowing her to set foot in your home?
If you let her stay temporarily, good luck getting her out when you want to. NTA.
if she is gone, then problem is solved.
As for the original problem, if others were throwing her out it was for a reason, Having to be removed by the police, even once, ups it from No, to Hell no
Do not let her move in as you will never get her out. She will be ruthless with you as this is family and her son
NTA She is owed nothing. She’s an adult & can figure it out.
I am 100% behind everyone telling your oh hell no. Don’t let her through the front door and for god sakes. If a piece of mail shows up with her name, do not give it to her. Take it to the post office and write across the front of it. No such person at this address. Unfortunately in some areas if they get mail delivered to your house it is proof of residency meaning they have a right to live there until you legally evict them. It’s extreme but people have been tricked into it that way. They let somebody be there for a few days and they get a piece of mail address to them at that address. That proves residency in some cases. So whatever you do, if a piece of mail comes in her name, do not give it to her. Take it to the post office and be very very clear. This person does not live here. The address is incorrect. Return to sender.
If this woman was 80 or handicapped disabled I might feel differently but I doubt it. There is zero reason for you to put up with this person in your home, regardless of whose money paid for the renovations. You’re a couple. You own it together and even he doesn’t really want her there. And throwing money at it. Buying her a vehicle. A camper, a band camper an RV isn’t the answer. It just gives her an excuse to park in your yard and invade your privacy. I suggest doing a little exploring of what resources may be available. If she is old enough to collect any kind of social security or disability or retirement or whatever, it sounds like her age may put her near. Being someone who an office of the aging may be able to be helpful. I’m not 100% sure what age they start at some communities. People over 50 can get help from them. Others you have to be over 65 but it doesn’t hurt to call them. They may know of senior housing opportunities. They may be able to help with paperwork. They may be able to find resources they may be able to help even if she isn’t on some kind of social security. If she’s old enough she may be able to get some kind of a disability income or that which of course will make it easier for her to be able to get. Maybe some low-income housing or something. I am all for spending some time making a few phone calls and seeing if there are government resources available to help. I am completely against letting her through your front door ever again. If you had to call the cops to get rid of her you should get and order of protection or restraining order to prevent her from coming back. At this point, you need to protect yourself and arranging that you only ever meet her in a public place is likely to be your safest way to proceed.
We can love our parents and our grandparents. It doesn’t mean we should be in a house with each other. I have a sister whom I love dearly. I would never live as adults under the same roof as her. We have different personalities opinions, viewpoints on things, styles of doing things and we get along best when we don’t see each other much. And some families are like that. And it’s okay
NTA. You’re not responsible for her. She seems to make bad decisions and sounds like she has a falling out with people on a regular basis. Her moving in would be permanent.
Nta. If you let her move in, she’ll never move out and won’t pay rent.
NTA, she made herself homeless, anyone being negative, thank them for offering to house her. from her point of view, it does seem unfair that you are treating your mother so much better, is there anything else you would be willing to do to assist? what about a trailer or tiny home on your and(not that you are obliged)
Why is this on you at all? Why isn’t your husband writing this? He’s sitting right there and she’s his mom. It sounds like he’s fine with his mom being homeless. He knew her situation and he’s making a place for your parents.
You let her in, she is never leaving!
Debbie will never move out and sounds like the kind that will take advantage of your kindness by the way she has been acting….
Do not let broke people into your home
You didn’t let MIL become homeless. She made herself homeless with bad decisions, poor planning, and burned bridges. Her homelessness is not your fault and should not be your problem to fix.
She’s what we used to call “flighty”. Why not pool money for a camper van? She can get up and go when ever.
She just needs a list of the campgrounds like KOA and she’s good to go. NTA.
You’re not the a* hole. If she moves in you will never ever get her out. She sounds like she has mental health issues. Imagine raising a child around her behavior.
NTA. The MIL can get a job and get her own place instead of leeching off other people. Do not let her on your property and definitely do not let her on your home under any circumstances. Issue her with a trespass notice especially as it took the police to remove her last time.
NTA. If you let her in she will never leave.
If this is even true as who calls their mom by their first name? You could be NTA however, when you become elderly you do need help and I’m sure you would like to be helped if you were in that situation, regardless of how you got there. Your own mother even feels you should help her. You have the space. It’s okay to help your mom (who doesn’t even want the help yet) but not his? Btw, just because you used your trust fund to renovate or even put money down, doesn’t make it any less Luke’s home. It seems like only what you want matters
NTA.
NTA – she sounds irresponsible and entitled and like she plays the victim. You are not obligated to help her. If you want to help, get her a campervan, send her on her way. But if you let her in, she will never leave and drive you crazy.
NTA. Debbie is mentally unstable. Her kids are desperate to unload responsibility for her housing and your basement seemed to be an easy solution for them. This is an entire family problem. You need all parties involved about Debbie’s housing. Don’t allow her to move in or you will own her future housing and her kids will wash their hands of it.
NTA. She’s a leech & sucks off the lives of the people around her that she expects will be generous to her (and feel sorry for her). Don’t get sucked into her web of manipulation!
Save your marriage and don’t let her in. She doesn’t deserve to bring chaos to your life and being a MIL is not synonymous with entitlement. NTA. She sounds like an enabled freeloader.
Your mil has the life she has chosen. You two deserve to have the life you have chosen for yourselves. You want stability and won’t have that with her there. Plus you know she will most likely not be willing to move out when it is time for your mother to move in. If she does she might decide to destroy things in the basement before leaving. Her friend kicked her out for a reason. She doesn’t sound like a good person at all.
If you let her move in she will then live there and you would have to evict her if she refused to leave. Everyone is enabling her. She made her bed
“Last year, she moved back suddenly and was staying with my brother-in-law until he deployed. In exchange, he offered some money, and the remaining siblings matched the amount so that we could pay a security deposit and the first month’s rent on a decent one-bedroom apartment. She got a job and seemed to be doing well until she had a fallout with my sister-in-law (her daughter), and then she just packed up and moved back to California suddenly.”
Set her up again in a apartment somnehwere. for the eventual move to California.
Nta. Fact you had to call the sheriff’s to get her to leave means she never needs to live there. Ever. As she will make you legally evict her.
If you let her stay she will never leave. Nope
I see in other comments you and family had already set up and paid for an apartment and she had work, then she just up and left anyway.
So essentially she’s not a stable person to try to provide housing to regardless? Does she have a mental illness or neurodivergence? Is this dementia or just her personality?
I think it’s ok to say no and to be firm about it, because it’s likely she would flit in and out and never be out permanently and it would never be available for your mother.
You had to call the sheriff? She’s a scam artist. She’s gonna lay around and lay up on anyone she can. If you invite her over she’ll have to be forcibly removed. She’s a parasite and completely invested in squeezing people
She will never move out or contribute to the house.
NTA.
NTA it doesn’t sound like your husband wants her to move in any more than you.
But I would make sure your husband has the conversation with his siblings.
Sounds like maybe MIL lives more of a gypsy life and likes it. But as she ages you might get stuck with the hot potato. I really dislike the unpredictable so I am sorry for your predicament. Don’t let her move in. It will be a decade of drama lived first hand. Keep her drama second hand.
NTA. If you let her move in you will be miserable and she will never leave.
NTA. Compatibility and behavior are critical factors to consider in whether or not anyone can live with you regardless of space, or need.
She threw away a 1 bedroom apartment you all financially helped her get. This is not any of you guys’ problem anymore. Never forget her ungratefulness. She should still be in that one bedroom. I know I would be.
YTA of course you are super selfish for letting your husband’s mother be homeless. Have a heart!
Updateme
I would get all the siblings together and everybody would contribute to a fund every month until she gets her s*** together she needs to be living in her own apartment and that’s not with you. If you let her move into that downstairs basement apartment she will never and I do me never leave you will have to evict her because she was not going to give up her space so that your mother can move in trust and believe that
NTAH. When MIL decides to skip back to California, tell her to stay there for good.
YTA. Hope no one treats you how you treated her!!
You MIL has a history of instability in housing, often due to disputes. That will not change. I’ve been there done that with my in-laws. Please protect your peace and mental health.
Ungrateful for what? A leeching squatter? This woman isn’t your problem, don’t make her your problem.
NTA
Buying a new tent would be a whole lot cheaper and less stress for you. Maybe even a pop-up camper if it’s in the budget. But no, someone who cannot manage to keep any housing, no matter who she is staying with, does not need to be living with others. They need to be in a singles living situation.
NTA if she comes to stay with you, she will never leave. Do not let that lady in your house. If you have the means buy her a camper or a small RV and let her go on her way.
NTA. You’re not selfish, your mom kinda is. You don’t have unlimited money pool to splurge on ungrateful people, you’re willing to do it for your mom but your mom tried to guilt trip you into taking in a crazy btch… No way.
There is a valid reason her friend kicked her out. Believe then. Don’t do it. NTA
NTA. She showed up to move in without even talking to you (much less being asked), and you even had to have the sheriff come to get her to leave.
Now imagine if you actually let her move in.
Let’s face it, MIL is choosing to be homeless. She’s a moocher.
She owns her actions… if she were down on her luck ok… but sounds like lack of housing is her way of life… is she mentally unstable maybe? Eligible for disability?