I’m a frequent flier here but I had to delete my posts even though this is a throwaway account. My husband wants me to be nicer to my mother in law who is so over bearing and I cannot. I just cannot. They make my skin crawl because they have violated my boundaries and they genuinely have no awareness at all.
My family and I are leaving for a trip this weekend for 10 days (yay) and my husband is out of town leading up to this trip (also yay because I do not invite my in laws over and put a stop to it once he’s away). They wanted to see us before we left (because we only saw them a short 48 hours ago) and I said no we’ll be too busy and my husband agreed. Well, at 3:30 my husband tells me “my parents are coming over tonight and are bringing dinner. I know you won’t be here but I need to show them how to do things while I’m away.” We have a playdate (luckily) but his parents will be here during the closing shift and bedtime routine for our little one. This pisses me off because little one is already going through a sleep regression (he woke up every hour the other night), is just plain miserable due to teething or something and I just want to do the routine without a phone camera shoved in his face. My husband consistently leaves me no choice but to be the mean bride because I have to withhold the kid from them due to the routine. They get all pouty and my JNMIL takes it to heart.
I am tempted to just not return from our visit and stay with family for a longer period of time because I feel like a stronger consequence needs to be made. Sure you need to see your parents but we already discussed a no to dinner plans. Or go out to dinner with them if you want to. I already have a rule about not visiting after 6 pm and my husband bends and breaks all rules for his family. It’s like I don’t even matter at all. He doesn’t see it this way ofc and he sees me as just mean. I am willing to try couples counseling but he said he’s too busy. And I ideally want to get divorced but I do not want to split custody with him and let’s face it, parents. Because you know he will need round the clock help since he cannot even handle solo parenting for an extended time.
So I need random internet support to enforce a boundary so he actually freaking listens. Enjoy life with your parents who are clearly your main priority since you don’t give a shit about what we even agree upon. And when I get back we need to go to couples counseling with an actual good therapist who can point out how enmeshed you are with your parents and how you’re a shitty husband because of it.
It’s like I don’t even exist. And it’s made me hate his parents and my heart rate increases so much I even hear that they’re coming over to visit. I don’t ever feel respected. My husband can only visit my family for 5 days max and they live across the country because he hates where I’m from. And I respect that and he leaves. Then why is it okay that I’m subjected to seeing his parents 3-4 times per week and our infants schedule stomped on? I just don’t get it. It’s not fair and I am so sick and tired of being forgotten.
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Other posts from /u/BoatLoose4181:
A win is a win, 1 week ago
Was told they want a divorce and then another surprise visit from in laws. Help., 1 month ago
I am absolutely fuming, 1 month ago
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First: You’re not wrong to be so fed up. They are all trampling all over your boundaries and feelings, and telling you that YOU are the issue. Second: I think your plan to extend your stay to miss them is a good idea. Make sure he knows WHY you are doing it, he is blatantly going against what you BOTH agreed to. Third: Absolutely demand he find time in his busy schedule of groveling to his parents and ignoring his wife to make time for counseling, or you’re done. No more putting it off. Fourth: Just bc I’m nosy and hypocrisy drives me insane. What does he say when you point out that you respect his wishes towards your family, but he not only ignores your wishes but thrusts his family on you any chance he gets??
Internet strangers can’t get anyone to abide by a boundary. We can suggest what boundaries are and how the enforce them but the actual doing of it all is up to the poster.
You’re right, you don’t matter to your husband. He doesn’t listen to you and he won’t. You only exist for him for the various wife and mother duties you provide. Beyond that, you’re an impediment to him having a happy family with his parents. You’re a wife/mother appliance. Until your husband decides that you do matter to him, nothing will change from him.
You either need to figure out a way to live as roommates or divorce. He’s too busy with his parents to take any interest in his marriage.
He needs to honor what he agreed to, and therapy is non negotiable. I am so sorry for what you are going through. This internet stranger is sending you strength. You deserve respect, period. Make your own rules.
If you do go home, at 6:00 usher them out. Thanks for stopping by with dinner even though we said it wasn’t a good time for us. You know how lo is if his bedtime routine is interrupted, so we’re going to have to hold you to the 6:00 time. Let husband know that he should be talking to his mom about being nicer to you by following the boundaries you set. If she didn’t bust through the boundaries, I’m sure it would be easy to be nice to her.
I think you should consult with a lawyer on the sly before you go stay with your family. Find out how long you’d need to “stay” with them in order for you and baby to establish legal residency there in order to allow you notn to stay permanently while you initiate a divorce. Just talk to a lawyer about your options, if any such options exist.
Then, if he decides to finally prioritize his wife and child, he will have to come to you
Sorry you’re dealing with this. When my MIL was hanging around too much and sleeping over, I told my husband I was going to burn her overnight bag if he didn’t get rid of it. That was the first time he actually listened and tried to tell her to leave. Useless, though, since she just doubled down with the guilt trip.
Only thing that actually helped was therapy. I learned the hard way: nothing I say, even if it’s a full-blown (albeit melodramatic) threat, is going to change anything. He’s gotta want it and do the work. Hope your husband figures that out if he wants to stay married. You deserve better.
3-4 times a week!! Girl that sucks.
Tell him you won’t be coming back home until his parents leave. You said no visitors.
Or walk in the door no earlier than 7:00, “hey guys sorry I got to get baby right to bed”. Any protest can be matched with “it’s past his bedtime and we already discussed that LO needs to be in bed on time”. Repeat, walk past, and put him to bed.
Let your husband know either that it’s therapy or divorce. If he has time to visit his parents 3 to 4 times a week he has time for therapy!!!
I think it’s time to be blunt with your husband. “Why are you allowing them to visit despite us agreeing nothing at night and it wasn’t necessary? Why is pleasing your parents more important than supporting your wife?”
Take what he says as the truth. If he still has them over, it’s time to evaluate what type of relationship you want. Maybe talk to a divorce lawyer. Maybe offer counseling.
I would also be direct with your feelings. “I’m upset when you disregard our rules. It doesn’t make us feel like a team. It causes a lot of distrust/sadness/anger for me because I don’t feel important to you.” Again, take his reaction into consideration. Is he completely deluded or does he not care.
If you are around when they visit, maybe it’s okay to be direct with them. “You are putting a wedge between DH and I. We don’t like night visits. We just saw you guys. You are causing issues between us.” Fair warning, it could cause a big blow up with both DH and them. Not sure on the dynamics but if they had a shred of dignity, it would be a wake up call.
From my memory of your posts your parents are quite far away in a different state. (Same country? USA?) You were going by yourself with the baby to see your parents but now he’s joining. Can you go early with baby without him? Can you talk to an attorney as soon as you arrive? Can you trust your parents not to tell him anything? Can you trust them to set up an attorney appointment for you? With a little planning, you could have some leverage that you absolutely will not have if you end up doing this trip with your husband and he’s watching you the whole time and then drags you back with him.
And you are actually married right? If not, that does give you a bit of leverage as in the US if not married the mother usually gets 100% custody until paternity is established. Take all your important documents and the baby’s important documents.
If my memory is correct, this man threatened to divorce you and told you to go to “wife school.” Do not go back home with him. He is a misogynist who does not protect you and will sacrifice you to make his parents happy. Even if you end up doing amazing work with him and are able to get past this to a healthy place, I think you still need to physically separate from him to remove yourself from being the abuse target for him and his parents.
Good luck OP, I’ve been rooting for you.
He doesn’t care about your needs because his parents’ wants always come first. Stop playing nice.
It sounds like the husband wants to marry his mom and live with Dad.
Leave him to it and divorce him.
So if you are genuinely thinking about divorce, but resistant mainly due to custody concerns (very understandable), my advice is always to talk to a lawyer. A good lawyer.
Two reasons. One – it shows him that you are serious. When you come in insisting on counseling or divorce, and he tries to blow you off, it’s because he doesn’t believe you are really at the divorce stage. Consulting an attorney shows him that you are. Two – you need to feel more secure in all your legal rights and options. I completely understand not wanting to share custody when you feel that you are really sharing custody with his parents. But will that really be your best option? Tbh, I know many people who managed to move away after a divorce. Split custody was handled with summers and school holidays. There’s always this perception that you will be stuck in his hometown, coparenting with his parents. But that’s really not always the case, especially if the attorney can show that you are the primary parent, and should be able to move where you have family support, versus keeping young children where their non-involved father has family support.
And maybe you won’t like what the lawyer has to say. But forewarned is forearmed. You feel powerless, and that makes you feel frustrated and trapped. You don’t have to be powerless. Start figuring out your best steps, so you can feel like you are taking charge, instead of just being taken advantage of.
This internet stranger is giving you permission to unleash your inner bitch. They already think you’re the bad guy, so be the bad guy.
Your DH won’t enforce the rules so you need to.
First off your in-laws don’t respect your input as a parent that’s why they skirt around you to the weakest point- their son – who delivers them what ever they want. I would dare say they choose bedtime because it causes you the most friction, so to not only get under your skin but MIL can the. victimise herself that you’re controlling the situation and her grandkids. She doesn’t give two shits that a routine works best for your children and your parenting she wants to bend you until you break.
You need to tell your SO I’m prepared to put in as much effort into your parents as you do to mine and follow through. If you have to, continue leaving the house when they come over, pop down to the shops and don’t come back. Redirect all her messages to him and don’t go to their home for dinners unless it’s necessary, birthdays and such.
And for now, don’t go home with the kids after the play date until they leave. He will be embarrassed because his mother didn’t get what she came for and you will be enforcing a silent stand towards them, you will show him that you don’t bend to his families whims like he does and he will be forced to choose eventually. Or you make him do the bedtime routine with child that his parents have messed with and leave the house so you’re not tempted to step in.
Only natural consequences work with these kind of enmeshed men.
>I am tempted to just not return from our visit and stay with family for a longer period of time because I feel like a stronger consequence needs to be made.
If he’s frequently undermining you, it’s okay to make it harder for him to do so.
Do you have any friends in the area that can run interference? That can stick around for a glass of wine and make all kinds of comments about their behavior? Maybe turn on “Monster In Law” with the wine?
Otherwise, keep kicking MIL out- she’s coming over for a specific reason, (whatever husband is showing her) and she needs to attend to that reason or leave, because you and your husband have an agreement that there are no visitors in baby’s routine.
Your husband wants you to be nicer to his mom- lots of people in this group have agreements on that. They’re nice as long as there’s only 1 visit a month. Or something similar. I’d suggest you make it clear that if he’s too busy for marriage counseling, you’re too stressed to be nice. And set some rules for when you’ll try to be civil. Any visits that bend the rules means you’re telling her to leave. Or you’re growling. Make it clear to her that you’re happy to be pleasant when she gets an invitation FROM YOU.
You’re right, all of them need more consequences.
Can you divorce and move you and kids home to your family?? You deserve love and support and he’s too worried about pleasing his parents to be that. I’m so sorry!!
Marriage counseling is a must at this point. I hope I’m not beating a dead horse here, but are you in love with him?
Are you me? Seriously…
3-4 times per week…oh hell no.
Both are problems, but more so your DH. ‘I need to show them how to do things while I’m away.’ Like what? Plants, animals? Whatever it is you KNOW they will 100% be snooping through everything you own. I would pay someone first. Your DH is a real gem, reading through your history. He needs to get with the program (therapy, cut the apron strings) or get out.
Have him read this. And it’s time for ultimatums. Must go to marriage counseling. Must follow agreed upon limits to in-law interaction. You’ve laid out your case pretty clearly in this post.
Husband is the issue. Im sure if he respected your boundaries even 75% of the time youd have the opportunity to enjoy their visits.
Definitely stay longer at your parents. If it’s fine for him to change plans without consultation it’s fine for you to do the same. He’s changing plans to what you specifically don’t want, so I’d give him consequences each time he does. Personally I’d leave the house so he can do the bed time routine alone. Do it every time he changes plans without your agreement. He should associate doing that with extra work he can’t handle so make sure you don’t cook, clean or do laundry for him when it happens.
Hey, OP, please show this to your husband:
You guys absolutely MUST get marriage counselling. That’s the only way to clear up any potential confusion regarding priorities without involving anyone that will 100% be biased. It’s just the two of you and a person that’s dedicated their lives to helping couples navigate through hard times like this, backed up with years of studying. If you’re willing to bend over backwards to accommodate and entertain your parents, you’ll also be able to make time to go to counselling, or else be ready to sacrifice your marriage for the sake of pleasing your parents. That also means denying your children a home where the parents are able to act like adults, and say no to other people when necessary, in order to protect the unity of their family.
This sounds so rough. Start being really blunt with your in laws. “Oh you guys are still here? It would be best if you went home now so I can get LO done more easily.”
I think when you go home you should say you want to stay a while longer and then see a lawyer and get a divorce
Take all your important documents with you
The way he berates you tells you everything you need to know. Go visit your family more often, and stay for longer. You don’t need his permission to visit your family.
I can relate to this so much. Just want you to know you’re not alone.