I figured I’d update since a lot has gone down since my last post.
Quick refresher: my dad (50) randomly told my mom (46) he wanted a divorce because he was “in love” with his 21-year-old coworker. He left, then came back the next day saying he was in some kind of “fog” and wanted forgiveness. My mom decided to take him back, but I said I wasn’t interested in repairing things with him.
Fast forward to my birthday trip, about 2 weeks after the initial situation. We were going to the beach with me, my mom, my brother, and my best-friend. My dad was staying home because we have a lot of animals and it was easier for him to just stay than to pay for them to all be watched. I was actually really looking forward to it because it felt like the first time I’d get a break from all the chaos with my dad. Then my dad decides to drive seven hours to our Airbnb as some kind of “grand gesture.”
My mom claims she didn’t know he was coming until he called her while already three hours into the drive, but I don’t really buy that. The plan was apparently for him to stay the night, and she had already paid for an extra spot so he could come with us on the boat tour and dinner. So it’s hard for me to believe she had “no idea.”
Here’s the kicker: she wasn’t even planning on telling me. She literally wanted it to be a “surprise” that he just walked in the door. The only reason I knew was because she brought it up to my best friend (I’ll call her Jane) that morning. Mom says she asked Jane if she should tell me and Jane told her no, but Jane straight-up told me all she was asked was if she thought I’d be upset, and she said yes. Later on while we were out, Jane told me what was happening anyway and that my dad was about an hour away. My mom got pissed at her for telling me.
When I found out, I was devastated. I had explicitly said I was excited to get away from him on this trip, and instead it turned into this whole thing. My mom was mad at me for being upset and kept saying things like, “it’s still your dad,” “you’ll have to get over it eventually,” and “he’s trying to show he cares.” She even tried to spin it like maybe he was doing it for her, to prove he cared about fixing their marriage by showing up for us. She kept saying, “well I feel happy he did it,” and I just felt like screaming because this was my birthday, not hers.
My mom said he was coming to give me a birthday card, so I was expecting a long thoughtful written card. He drove seven hours to hand me a card with two sentences in it. “I’m sorry for what I did. I will make it up to you.” That’s it. After all that, he stayed for maybe a few minutes, then turned right around and drove all the way back home because I was so upset. There also wasn’t even enough room in the Airbnb for him to stay, so they didn’t think that through.
That was mid July. I’ve gone back to talking to my dad “normally,” but only to keep the peace. I don’t want to, but if I start ignoring him again it’ll set my mom off, and I don’t have the energy for more fights. So I’m just stuck pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s exhausting to constantly have my boundaries pushed aside, and I genuinely don’t get how they think that’s supposed to make me forgive him.
My parents’ relationship seems to be better. I am only viewing it from the outside, but they’ve been going on dates, been more touchy feely, spending more time together, etc. If they really did fix things permanently, I am happy for them. My mom deserves to be happy. However, I feel that him changing his behavior doesn’t erase the things he did in the past. I don’t feel like I want a close relationship with him ever, even if he’s changed. Am I in the wrong to not move on and forgive, even if he has truly changed?
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Legitimate_Process90:
I figured I’d update since a lot has gone down since my last post.
Quick refresher: my dad (50) randomly told my mom (46) he wanted a divorce because he was “in love” with his 21-year-old coworker. He left, then came back the next day saying he was in some kind of “fog” and wanted forgiveness. My mom decided to take him back, but I said I wasn’t interested in repairing things with him.
Fast forward to my birthday trip, about 2 weeks after the initial situation. We were going to the beach with me, my mom, my brother, and my best-friend. My dad was staying home because we have a lot of animals and it was easier for him to just stay than to pay for them to all be watched. I was actually really looking forward to it because it felt like the first time I’d get a break from all the chaos with my dad. Then my dad decides to drive seven hours to our Airbnb as some kind of “grand gesture.”
My mom claims she didn’t know he was coming until he called her while already three hours into the drive, but I don’t really buy that. The plan was apparently for him to stay the night, and she had already paid for an extra spot so he could come with us on the boat tour and dinner. So it’s hard for me to believe she had “no idea.”
Here’s the kicker: she wasn’t even planning on telling me. She literally wanted it to be a “surprise” that he just walked in the door. The only reason I knew was because she brought it up to my best friend (I’ll call her Jane) that morning. Mom says she asked Jane if she should tell me and Jane told her no, but Jane straight-up told me all she was asked was if she thought I’d be upset, and she said yes. Later on while we were out, Jane told me what was happening anyway and that my dad was about an hour away. My mom got pissed at her for telling me.
When I found out, I was devastated. I had explicitly said I was excited to get away from him on this trip, and instead it turned into this whole thing. My mom was mad at me for being upset and kept saying things like, “it’s still your dad,” “you’ll have to get over it eventually,” and “he’s trying to show he cares.” She even tried to spin it like maybe he was doing it for her, to prove he cared about fixing their marriage by showing up for us. She kept saying, “well I feel happy he did it,” and I just felt like screaming because this was my birthday, not hers.
My mom said he was coming to give me a birthday card, so I was expecting a long thoughtful written card. He drove seven hours to hand me a card with two sentences in it. “I’m sorry for what I did. I will make it up to you.” That’s it. After all that, he stayed for maybe a few minutes, then turned right around and drove all the way back home because I was so upset. There also wasn’t even enough room in the Airbnb for him to stay, so they didn’t think that through.
That was mid July. I’ve gone back to talking to my dad “normally,” but only to keep the peace. I don’t want to, but if I start ignoring him again it’ll set my mom off, and I don’t have the energy for more fights. So I’m just stuck pretending everything’s fine when it’s not. It’s exhausting to constantly have my boundaries pushed aside, and I genuinely don’t get how they think that’s supposed to make me forgive him.
My parents’ relationship seems to be better. I am only viewing it from the outside, but they’ve been going on dates, been more touchy feely, spending more time together, etc. If they really did fix things permanently, I am happy for them. My mom deserves to be happy. However, I feel that him changing his behavior doesn’t erase the things he did in the past. I don’t feel like I want a close relationship with him ever, even if he’s changed. Am I in the wrong to not move on and forgive, even if he has truly changed?
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Link to original post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1lp43ix/aita_for_refusing_to_forgive_my_dad_or_speak_to/
It depends on whether you want a relationship with your mom and the rest of your family or not. Because clearly they’ve all moved on.
I wouldn’t say you’re the AH, but you sound very young. The world isn’t black and white. Stuff happens.
NTA, but you are being immature about this. Your dad didn’t do anything against you, personally. What happened is between him and your mother. You losing respect is just fine and if you didn’t that would be odd. You are stuck there until you leave home when you are old enough so behaving like things are ok is about the only way for you to live peacefully. What you can do is continue to hold your dad accountable for his actions. Ask him, about the birthday card, promise / declaration, that he will make it up to you, ask him how he intends on doing that, exactly. You can see the effort he is making with your mother, but what can he do to make it up to you? Buy your respect with some shiny new object? If that is his plan, isn’t that really a way to make himself feel better? Just what can someone do to regain respect from someone that has lost theirs? Time, good behavior, consistency in his good treatment of your mother is all I can think of. He can’t really make this up to you directly, can he? Shame is what you are feeling and that will take a long time to fade. Forgiveness is for you, not him. It is so you can let go of the hurt, let you have some peace, let you move on with your life. Forgiveness is not an eraser for what anybody me has done, it is a way for you to heal from being hurt.
I have to tell you what I learned growing up. You need to separate yourself from your parents’ relationship. That is your mother’s husband and if she forgave, she forgave. Whatever they have in their relationship, it is their choice.
He is your father. Think of that relationship. Has he been a good father? Not a husband. We know he is a horrible one, but as a father to YOU. Not his relationship to your mom, just to you. Your parents’ relationship happened before you. It was defined and formed before you were born. Your relationship with your parents (mother or father) should not be dependent on that. Fix that Father role. He is not your husband, he is your father. The betrayal was not yours.
My parents had their ups and downs when I was growing up. I wished they would divorce. My dad had various girlfriends, but my mom would forgive him. Everyone told her to leave him, but she wouldn’t and he wouldn’t leave her. However, he was a good dad to me and my siblings. I learned to separate those roles in my head. He was a horrible husband (l learned what not to look for in a partner), but a good dad who loved and taught me to be independent.
Nta.
NTA – you can continue to be upset and not talk to your dad without pressure from your mother. It’s not fair she fights you about it. Your mother is a doormat accepting him back but that’s her issue. You being mad at him just embarrasses her for her decision to take what he’s done and forgive easily that’s why she just wants you to forgive too. I’d go no contact with your dad given he’s let you down a lot over the years. Talking normally gives him the impression everything is fine. He should just leave you be but he’ll keep pushing you (keep that in mind). Have you made plans to move away for college? That’ll give you the break you need but you’ll have to think about how not talking to him will affect the relationship with your mother and brother. Not sure what your brother’s relationship is like with your dad.
He came back because the 21 year old said no. That’s it. Maybe your mum needs that explaining to her.
NTA. Your father did not just hurt your mother. He hurt you equally. Neither one are entitled to tell you when or if your grieving process should end. Nor are they able to force you to change the way you feel about your father after his betrayal.
Probably the only good thing about this is you can choose where to live and who to associate with when you turn 18.
NTA, he’s love bombing her and she’s wilfully ignoring it. You don’t just get over your husband cheating on you in a few months!!
He’s back because the 21 year old didn’t want him permanently. And he’s gross that 21 year old could be your sister age wise🤢🤢🤢🤢
I’d just get a job, if you don’t have one, save up and move out and then go LC/NC, they don’t care about your boundaries or the effect it’s had on you. I’d be the same as you only my face would show how I think he’s a POS
Updateme
Stay in your lane you are young focus on your life, your too in your parents business get a girlfriend and focus on school
I’d be so damn uncomfortable if I were Jane. That age gap is in sniffing distance of PDFilia.
The “fog” he was in was being delusional that a 21yr old would be interested
Update me
If he leaves her again for another 21 year old, or even an 18 year old, I wouldn’t be surprised. I least you’re old enough to legally not return home if you decided to crash at a friend’s house.
Damn, your mom kept picking up garbage like she’s paid to do so 🤦🏻♀️ not an ounce of self-respect in her